Three times in three days…bitches.

I’m feeling inspired right now. Not sure how long this will last or if this is the leadup to me ultimately saying fuck the world, don’t ask me for shit…because I’ll be late for that. Ishkabibbly doody wop.

The sad part of that entire last sentence is that if I was E-40, that would have been a clear, coherent, cogent, coagulated thought. And probably would have translated to “love is in need of love today.”

Or something.

Now that we’ve got the inane introduction out of the way, let us commence.

A thought came to me yesterday while I was returning from Quizno’s after purchasing a Triple Q combo meal that eye poppingly came out to $9.88. The thought was that niggas are dumb as hell with their criminal game at times.

Non-sequitor? Definitely.

Over the past few days, I’ve been in discussions with various friends of mine at various times about sundry criminal lacktastic skills that many people have. And quite frankly, it’s disturbing. The mere fact that people run their mouths AFTER committing crimes is dumb in and of itself, but its like people want to get caught most of the time anyway. With a little more thought, you too can become a better criminal. Let us delve into how.

Panama Jackson Presents Crime Without Punishment…How To Not Get Caught Up, Dumbass

I’m going to pick a few scenarios to discuss. Some you may have heard before, others you may have never considered, others may cause you to say that Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. You’ve been learndeded.

IAN Game (Ignore A Nigga) Game

This is one of those areas that you’d think would be simple, but for some reason, people are idiots. For instance, which is French for, for instance….say you have some chick/unchick that you are done dealing with. But they call you incessantly. Everybody’s phone has an ignore function. Right? If you hit “ignore” after the phone rings twice, they’ll know you’re ignoring the call. You either have to be quick on the trigger, or just let it ring. Kind of like letting it snow, only not the same at all. Nothing new here.

BUT…

…the dumb nigga syndrome kicks in when you KNOW that the person recognizes it’s you calling so they do what any crazy bitch (this is not gender specific here) would do. What’s that class??

*67 your ass. For those who live in uncivilized parts of the country (world), *67 blocks the outgoing number causing it to show up as either “private caller” or “unknown” on the receiver’s caller ID.

And what do you do?

Answer the gotdamn phone. Who does that? You know you’re ex is nuts…its the reason for their ex status. You know they will call you with a blocked number because they’ve done it before. Yet you answer…EVERYTIME. RIGHT after they just tried to call you and got ignored. To properly ignore a nigga, you must do exactly that, IGNORE A NIGGA.

Dumb ass.

Robbery

Humans are dumb. We want credit for everything. Which is why people will talk about the crimes they have committed. Dumb. There are 2 Simple Rules for Robbing A White Teenager or A Home (banks require more people).

1. Do it by yourself.

2. Shut the fuck up about it.

Somehow, nobody EVER follows those two rules. Niggas always want to commit crimes with their criminal friends. This is a bad idea. Do you know why it’s a bad idea? Because you can’t really trust criminals. Unless they are wealthy criminals who are doing it for sport…and usually white and run Fortune 500 companies or countries on their off weekends. Other than that, niggas will sing like Whitney if cornered and their freedom is at stake. We’d all like to believe there is honor amongst thieves…me…me no believey. There is a reason economists, and more specifically Game Theorists start off every discussion with the “Prisoner’s Dilemma”. This is the notion that if you have catch two criminals, separate them, there are 4 logical outcomes. Both will be silent, both will squeal, or one will tell and the other won’t, and vice versa. Likelihood that nobody will talk…very very low.

You’re already a criminal, why trust them? Save yourself right? You see, if you do your dirt by your lonely, you only have yourself to concern yourself with…as long as you also shut the fuck up.

Why this eludes so many people is beyond me.

Bank Robbery

Why ANYBODY would attempt this in today’s day and age of ridiculous surveillance and dye-packed money balls, etc. is beyond me.

If you must, I have no clue how to do this properly.

Little Known Panama Fact: When I was in 9th grade, a bunch of my homeboy’s were aspiring rappers, criminals, etc. Well these dummies ACTUALLY approached me (since I was the “smart” one) about drawing up plans for them to rob a local bank. I was informed that two of them said they wouldn’t go thru with it unless I was the architect. Must have been what Christopher Williams felt like in New Jack City. They never did rob that bank. About three years ago, one of these fellows DID however bungle a gas station robbery and is currently serving jail time.

Drug Dealing

I plead the 5th on this one. However, I do have some advice for aspiring drug dealers out there. If, and that’s a big if, you do manage to make some actual money doing this…don’t be so gotdamned visible. Real killers move in silence nigga. Buying cars galore while you live in the hood is not a good look. At all. Who WOULDN’T notice that? Police included. Of course, you will have to have a crew, which means that chances of having a squealer in your camp increases. Basically, you will go to jail or die eventually…but while you’re alive, the least you can do is find lucrative ways to…

Launder Money

Open a barber shop, or some business where money exchanges hands quickly and is largely cash based. When I saw Rush Hour 2 for the first time, I thought the billionaire who laundered his money through a casino was brilliant. I was actually proud of him for that.

You probably don’t have the money to do that. Landscaping is a good venture as well. Who doesn’t need their lawns manicured? The bottom line here is that you must find some way to get that money out of your hands into some venture where the money can be accounted for…quickly. As a smart criminal, this would be done. OR…move the money into offshore accounts…quickly.

And not by two Benzes. That is not money laundering. That is wearing the money. And you just might end up strip searched.

Prostitution

Just don’t do it.

There is never a good way to become a ho.

I think that is all for today. I charge you aspiring criminals, no matter how large or small the crime, to be smarter at your criminal endeavors…it is imperative.

Thank you and goodnight.