A Lesson From Spiderman
[***ADMINISTRATIVE NOTE: This is actually pretty short by Panama standards. Don't worry...no need to skim today!!! I'm sexxy. And I've been working my buns of steel off lately. I'm back like velcro and Hammer-pants. Isn't it just arrogant to tell people you're back, which assumes they were missing you? Aren't I so so sexxy? Go visit Tom's Diner and drink a Mimosa. ***]
“With great power comes great responsibility.” ~ Uncle Ben, Spiderman: The Movie
And before him, some especially insightful fellow/fellowess who probably died penniless but who’d be happy to know that some 100’s of years later, their words would help others.
I’ve been jostling back and forth with a particular notion lately. It’s one that has affected everybody at least once at some point in their lives.
Hmm…I like the word jostle. It’s up there with the word supple and splackadocious as words that don’t get used enough but should be used whenever possible. In fact, I charge everybody to find a way to use the word “supple” in a conversation today. Ten points if you can do it and the person you are bequeathing doesn’t think you’re a perve.
On to the next one…
So, this idea for which jostlage has occured is the idea of responsibility. Moreso…responsibility when it comes to other people’s feelings and emotions in the context of a relationship. The only way to get straight to the heart (no one could…ever doubt…my loooooooooooove) of what I’m discussing is to lay out an example. I shall sacrificially lambsterfy myself for this (actually I won’t…this is a very general discussion here). Watch closely.
And for the record, Dick and Jane are soooooo passe.
Guatemala (my cousin) meets young lady. Let’s call her Bashley. Guatemala meets Bashley. The begin a courtship of sorts. There is no discussion of a commitment or anything, yet their actions and dates signify (like a monkey) that they might could be heading somewhere…together. However, it is clear that Guatemala’s feelings for Bashley are far more intense than Bashley’s feelings for Guatemala. Guatemala, in his love-induced stupor, maintains doing the things he would to show her he cares, and Bashley is accepting and even encouraging of such behavior. Unbeknownst to him, Bashley is dating other people, etc. Guatemala finds this out, asks her what’s going on between them and if they are headed anywhere to which Bashley indicates that, currently, she doesn’t want more, nor can she give more…and had Guatemala not been stuck in a love-induced stupor, he might realize he wasn’t getting much in the first place. However, she still wants to continue seeing Guatemala because she loves the time they spend and the attention he adorns upon her. He is devastated and jumps out of the second story window of his basement apartment and breaks his toe. The end.
Yes, I’m aware that was long and probably could have been shortened. But are you aware that in the time it took you to read that last paragraph, somebody’s car was stolen in this country?! Don’t be a statistic. Get insurance.
The more you know.
*ding*
Now, I know that in all truthfulness here, Guatemala’s predicament is largely his own making. Potentially he didn’t see the signs and was so caught up in his own romantic thoughts of a future with Bashley, that he was just blind to the facts being laid out before him. However, Bashley was encouraging of him to fall into this stupor. It was one of appreciation for her and adoration and other words that begin with the letter “a” that mean good stuff. She didn’t want to lose that so she might not have been 100 percent forthcoming with information and simultaneously encouraging of him to essentially, fall in love with her.
This all begs the age old question, how responsible should Bashley be for Guatemala’s feelings in this matter? You see, as people, self-interest is our taste du jour. We are, at our core, the most self-interested, agenda-toting, personal pleasure concerned, bastards on the planet. I know everybody wants to think that they are great people and their heart bleeds benevolence, but in all honesty, even in our most generous of moments, there is a hint of self-appreciation in it. Which is why people want credit for the things that they do. It is human nature and there is nothing wrong with that. So maybe it is non-sensical to think that anybody should bear the burden of considering another person’s feelings in their own dealings.
But…
…if you are aware that one person is head over heels in love with you and you do not feel the same way, should you consider the other person’s feelings and just cut them off? Yes they enjoy doing things for you and being there for you, but it’s all done in hopes that one day you will see the light and decide that you want to be with them.
Hmm…it’s a damn shame that this person is hoping that you’ll deem them good enough. But that’s another talk show.
Though they do things for you to make you feel good with the best of intentions, they want something from you. And something that you more than likely do not want to give them. Yet you keep them around because they make you feel special. Is that fair? I can see both sides on this one. If you aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings, then why should you cut them off. Hopefully, they’ll figure it out at some point that they aren’t going to get very far. But what about the hopeless bastard on the non-receiving end who is hopelessly and haplessly waiting around for the day you decide to be with them, exclusively?
It’s really a double-edged sword. In orer to consider other people’s feelings, you have to look past your own innate self-interest. Which is admirable. At the same time, being the you that you are, as long as no (visible) harm is being done, why ruin a good thing? He’s happy and you’re happy (or she’s happy, yada yada yada), what’s the loss?? Aside from the future hurt that might come, is there any downside? And if you’ve been honest at some point, isn’t it more or less, his fault if he gets hurt?
Should we make decisions for other people if we know they are leading themselves down the path into BET and ultimately into their own self-destruction?
Where do you draw the line and what are we really responsible for when it comes to affairs of the heart? I wish I knew, so I’m asking the question.
Inquiring minds would like to know…
February 21st, 2006 10:33
I think all parties should be honest from jump. If you want a boy/girl friend, i think it should stated that is what you/her are looking for. However, if one person states that isnt what they are looking for and the other person still chooses to catch feelings then you are on your own. There are plenty of fish in the sea so if she doesnt want to take it further with you, believe me there is someone out there who will. (or so ive been told, i’m still waiting to meet him as well). I say stop showering Bashley with your (umm i mean Guatemalas affections and leave her alone).
February 21st, 2006 10:37
I do want to say for the record that this actually has nothing to do with me.
This is the culmination of lots of IM convo’s I’ve had in the past few days with various people.
I have a girlfriend so this is all moot in my life. Shiiiiiiiiit…y’all ain’t gonna get me busted!!!!!!!
February 21st, 2006 10:57
First of all, I find it interesting that people in your family have South American names… LOL
But I digress…
*gasp* is this about ME??? *gasp* I feel so naked!!! ROFLMAO
But seriously, I’ve been in this situation before… where someone was MADLY in love with me and I loved them to death as a friend. I didn’t want the friendship to end because we had FUN together, hung out, were great friends… but he got increasingly clingy and demanding. I was never misleading… I was CLEAR on my position, but it became clear, despite what they said verbally that they couldn’t handle our friendship status.
When you are a true friend you can do things that don’t necessarily make you feel the greatest - or that are inconvenient to you - for the sake of the other person. And that is where I think the responsibility lies in this type of a scenario.
If you are aware that someone loves you to the point of not being able to handle simple friendship with the promise of nothing - it is your OBLIGATION as a friend to remove yourself. For their own sake.
It’s like taking the keys from a drunk friend and driving them home… I mean shyt don’t they SEE that damn perfectly good bottle of Maker’s Mark on the table and KNOW that you want nothing more than THAT with a splash of Coke, but there goes their dumb ass waddling and criss-crossing their way to the door. Go get those damn keys and drive them home… CLEARLY whatever would happen to them would be their fault… but why chance them being hurt… when you could do something to prevent it? Inconvenience, yes, but it’s worth it, and that’s the mark of a true friend.
But dammit the next time yo’ ass is taking a cab. LOL
X =)
February 21st, 2006 12:12
Responsibility lies within both parties…but I do agree with X, if someone’s feeling you like that and you’re not feeling them in the same way, it’s you duty to cut it off. Not saying that you have to NEVER talk to that person again, but even if you’ve told them where your feelings are, some folks don’t grasp the concept. Therefore, you have to physically show them by just separating yourself from them for a while. Once both parties get a chance to ‘breathe’, both parties may be able to JUST be friends.
February 21st, 2006 13:19
u continue to bring it folk
February 21st, 2006 13:23
1) People need to be honest with themselves and with others
2) As adults we need to be responsible for our own actions
BUT
3) If you can see a clear inbalance in a relationship and you know that nothing will tip the scales for you to get more involved with that person human decency dictates that you should be honest with the other person and drop the relationship completely if you see they’re not handling it well. (damm run on sentence).
February 21st, 2006 15:10
what was this post about again????
February 21st, 2006 21:44
I don’t know the answer(s) to the question(s) you posed. All I know is that this statement “Though they do things for you to make you feel good with the best of intentions, they want something from you. And something that you more than likely do not want to give them. Yet you keep them around because they make you feel special. Is that fair?” is stepping all over my nine west boots.
I’m in a situation where I think i’m in love with my best friend. I’ve confronted him about my feelings, but he said he doesn’t want to explore that possibility–right now. So now I’m stuck dealing with my feelings and still being a good friend. Yes, sometimes I feel maybe the things that I do may seem as some sort of ploy to “convince” him that we should be together. I don’t feel thats what i’m doing. Maybe i’m doing it subconsciously? All I know is that when he’s happy, I’m happy.
Sorry for “posting” in your comments, I actually have written on this topic before. Some might think i’m a fool, but I can’t deny what I feel.
February 21st, 2006 21:47
Yes. You completely do have a responsibility…To YOUR-DAMNED-SELF to do the right thing. The way I think of it, I always, usually, sometimes, cut a person off if I see it headed down that road simply because (SELFISH ALERT) I don’t wanna feel bad about taking-taking-taking and not giving two shyts. You like how even in seeming to do the right thing, it’s still done for selfish reasons? Humans are selfish indeed! I am human. You do the math.
February 22nd, 2006 02:20
I’m very familiar with this, as one of my friends is in this situation where this guy she KNOWS she doesn’t want to be with is madly in love with her and she knows she don’t like him like that. And yet, she still lets him come spend the night (no sex involved, just sleeping), and take her out on dates. They’re friends. But the more I hear about the situation, the more I wonder is she being shady by keeping him around? Or is it dude’s fault for putting himself so out there?? Is it his fault for CONTINUING to put himself out there with no signs of reciprocity? After all, he should protect his own heart.
February 22nd, 2006 11:08
I do believe that the drug dealer is responsible for the addict. The addict is under a love spell and is totally high. They aren’t really in any condition to be reasonable. After all how reasonable is it to allow yourself to be used. On the same token, we are reponsible for our own actions as well. One thing about feelings, they do change, be it from like to dislike or hate to in love. You feel different everyday. I am one who has never had a man “grow on me”. I either like you or I don’t. I wouldn’t play with anyones feelings. I wouldn’t accept gifts and put out, if I know we aren’t on the same page. Ive been with some one who has pretended to want me and spent all kinds of time and in the end I was nearly a grand in the whole and in a corner crying like a lost child. Who was responsible for that shit!?!?!? Me?….Somewhat, I saw some signs, but I let him talk me out of them. Him? Hell yea! That fool won! In conclusion, the party who is “winning” is most responsible, because they are at an advantage, because they have the most power. The strong should protect the weak. God’s greatest commandments are “Love Him and others as we love ourselves!”
February 22nd, 2006 11:25
Yeah…see this is why I’m torn. There is an argument to be made on both sides. If you see that the dude/dudette you’re messing with is ready to marry you, and you don’t even want them to spend the night yet, why not cut them off? It seems like the only right thing to do. But I really can’t fault anybody for taking advantage of a situation…I know that’s jacked up, but I mean…if youre only real goal in life is to look out for #1, then you do what’s in your own best interest. And you can’t screw somebody unless they bend over right?
Just dificult to gauge all around…we’d all like to think we’d do the “right” thing, but for real…self-interest is a bitch in sheeps clothing.
February 22nd, 2006 12:47
In this world, there are 2 kinds of people..he one being f*cked or the one doing the fu*king, which one would you rather be?
I can’t remember where that quote came from, a movie, book, or something? Anyway..what do you think about that quote Panama?
February 22nd, 2006 12:56
Well…Ms. Diva…I’d rather be the one doing the fucking. But I’d like to think that after I’m done, I’d at least give them a kiss on the cheek.
Anything less…is uncivilized.
February 24th, 2006 12:30
Dude, this is so not short. I had to scroll twice, and my resolution is 1280×1024.
*sigh* Going back up to try and wade (read: skim) through it.