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So a brotha went home this past weekend.

My mother recently retired after a career in financial services so her children (me and my three sisters) did what any party-loving, semi-alcoholic tendencied, black family from down South children would do. We threw her a retirement party replete with lots of food, family (something like 200 folks showed up), and alcohol. My oldest sister is something along the lines of an uncertified master chefstress. Good times were had by all.

That is not what this post is about.

You see, me travelling home, means that I had to fly. If you’ll recall (I’m too lazy to link anything), I’ve had some very, how do you say, fucked up travelling experiences lately. From delayed flights, to cancelled flights, to inclement weather, to radar malfunctions, to cargo distribution problems…well, you get the picture. Needless to say, I was a little intrigued by my impending travel as to what new adventures might befall our tragic hero, me.

Yes, I shall now, and heretofore be referred to as a hero. I’m laying claim to it before Kanye steals it. He’s already the savior.

They call me Panama…Panama Jackson. My daddy ain’t Joe, my mama ain’t Catherine.

If I may, if I might, I’d like to share what happened on my flights. So I will.

Let me start off by saying that nothing so dastardly as a cancelled flight occurred this time. No, this time were laughs, celebrities, and national concern issues.

For anybody living on the East Coast, and more specifically, the Mid-Atlantic and points north, you are aware that a massive snowstorm was expected (and hit). Perfect…as soon as I decide to head down South, my trip back North might be impeded by Mother Nature and her mood swings again. Moody muhfucka.

Little Known Panama Fact: You don’t want to travel with me. You know why? I’ll tell you why. I’m never in a rush. I get to the airport a good hour and a half early. And I check bags. Every time. Even on weekend trips. I do not like rolling a small suitcase with me. I like to be free to roam and walk as I please without a big ass bag. And I hate trying to find a spot on a crowded plane for my carry-on bag. I like to put whatever I have under the seat in front of me. Essentially, I will piss you off. I often piss of peopel who I travel with because they hate waiting for bags at baggage claim. Like I said, I’m never in a rush. You will hate me. Kiss my ass.

So…I had a direct flight from Washington, DC’s Ronald Reagan National Airport to Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. You can often tell when somebody doesn’t live in the DC area because they will refer to it as Reagan National Airport. Locals, call it National.

I had a friendly seatmate. We began talking as soon as I sat down. Which was good since we had a lot of time on our hands being as apparently we had one too many people on our flight.

You know what that means right? In today’s climate of terrorist threats and national emergencies…we weren’t going anywhere…for a while.

The flight attendants counted, and counted again, until somebody went Nino Brown and told on this one particular fellow who wasn’t sitting in the right seat. Luckily, it was the airline’s fault. They double-booked one seat…on a flight with empty seats. Some thirty minutes later, they clear it up. During that time I think I saw one white woman with a Republican hat on say, “see….that’s why we need to spy on them.” Clearly proving how gullible and non-sensical a lot of people are in today’s day and age. She was thusly pinged with a very hard pretzel by one liberally zealous jackass (pun intended) sitting a few seats behind her. Hilarity ensued.

And yes, I made up everything from “During that time…” forward.

But it would have been fun.

Other than that…my initial flight went off sans hitch. That is a success in my book. The fun began on the trip back.

Language and cultural barriers are quite the comedy to me. I don’t think people spend enough time enjoying the cultural differences of our great country. We also don’t spend enough time laughing at people who blatantly don’t give a shit about order and unconfusion. Such was my flight from Atlanta to Charlotte on Sunday.

As an aside, National Airport was closed for much of the day on Sunday. I didn’t know this. Apparently watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart for news doesn’t exactly give you everything you need to know. One helpful middle-aged woman who was eavesdropping on my conversation with my mother while I sat in wait for my flight from Atlanta to Charlotte…told me the airport was closed, sending me on a 10 minute scavenger hunt for information making sure that if I was stranded somewhere…it wasn’t going to be in Charlotte.

Moral of the story: When bad weather occurs, watch the news. You might get stuck in Chicago if you don’t and have to fly into Chattanooga instead of Huntsville, even though they are roughly 80 miles apart.

Anyway, there was a large Asian contingent on my flight to Charlotte. Apparently, they didn’t give a shit about where they were assigned seats. Nope…they all just sat down where they felt like sitting. And even further, they didn’t sit together. Nope. They were spread out all over the plane fucking up EVERYBODY’S seating. One man asked the woman if she was sitting in his seat. She looked at him, politely smiled, then just started looking out the window.

That’s fucked up.

So you can just imagine the chaos that ensued. And when I say large contingent, I mean about 8 people. Which means that people didn’t even know they had to find a new seat until they walked into the cabin and were staring into the Seat Jackers. Oh yes…and it was a full flight…but nobody knew this, so nobody could just take any seat. No…people actually had to stand in the aisles and wait for available seats, FURTHER, fucking up the boarding process.

Then…one of the stewardesses kindly asked the Asian woman sitting next to me (I was also a victim of the Incredibly Missing Seating Assignment) to place her purse under her seat. What happened??

Nothing. She just looked forward and kept her purse right there in her lap. That was until she decided to clean out her purse, take off her shoes, and begin foot fondling me under the seats. Look, I’m as big a fan of foot fondling as the next man…but I didn’t know her. I was slightly offended. What? Did she think I was easy or something? She was not getting my goodies.

And oh yes, back to the purse cleaning. This was a 40 minute flight. She dumped out the WHOLE damn purse. And just started ruffling through shit. Maybe it’s just me, but why the hell couldn’t that wait? Who does that on a plane? Especially with limited space. It was bad enough she took off her shoes and started playing footsies with me, she’s also cleaning out her purse? Dumping shit onto my side of the arm-divider.

The Wrath of the Asian Seat Jackers was felt, tenfold. Man, was I happy to get off of that flight.

Only to find my way to my connecting gate and realize that I vaguely recognized 4 black urban looking gentlemen with Atlanta baseball caps on. I couldn’t quite place them, but something told me they were rappers.

And then it happened.

One of them stood up, he leaned with it, then he rocked with it. Then I saw his white tee. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was on a flight with Dem Franchize Boyz.

The sad part is that, of all the black folks on the plane, I might have been the only one who recognized them. Basically, nobody gave a shit. Of course, the So So Def jackets made people who have heard of So So Def take notice, but for the most part, groupiedom was at a lull.

But, they are quasi-celebrities, and signed to a major label. You know what that means right???

Coach.

Yes, these niggas were flying coach. Hell, 3 out of 4 of them sat in the seats directly behind me. And I ain’t no first class dude. I wonder what it feels like to be a non-recognizable, coach flying, hit-single having, celebrity. I’ll tell you what it feels like. No, what it sounds like, rather.

One member of the group, upon noticing the fairly attractive younger college to post-bac looking black woman who would be sharing the row with him began rapping lyrics…to his own songs. Yes, he pulled out “White Tee”. And then…”I Think They Like Me.” I don’t know if they were his lyrics, but he was rapping somebody’s lyrics, then he hit the chorus for the grand finale on both songs. Seemingly to no avail.

My question is this: if you are a major-label, album having rapper, is it ever okay to use our own songs to attempt to get attention from people in hopes they’ll recognize you? Or is that a cry for help?

Wow, this is getting long. Good thing it’s almost over.

Still reading?

Sweet.

One member, the one with the locs, was sitting in the middle seeat of the row behind me, between two sorority looking white chicks. Sucks for them. He fell asleep and started snoring…loudly. So loudly, people 10 rows up were turning around trying to figure out who was snoring. Much to the annoyance of all. The stewardess didn’t know what to do, but he was seriously impeding everybody’s flight experience. I just turned my iPod up all the way and hoped I wouldn’t have to become a new member of the class action suit against Apple for iPod’s causing hearing loss.

Even members of his group were looking around like, got damn he’s loud.

Either way, it was another trip for the books. Oh yeah, except for the fact that the snow in DC that began to melt turned into ice on Sunday night in the Economy Parking llot at National Airport, causing me to bust my ass on the concrete as I tried to walk to my car.

You know how in cartoons you see somebody’s feet go straight into the air? That was me. I saw my feet go straight into the air right before I fell straight back onto my ass. Twice. I also think I hit somebody’s car with my suitcase which went flying into the air as I slipped.

In closing, this wasn’t a bad trip…more humourous than anything. Just remember to lean with it, and then rock with it….and be on the lookout for black men flying coach.

They may be celebrities. That is all.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 14th, 2006 at 10:14 am and is filed under Panama's Travels. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.