Trapped In The Closet
Over the past few weeks, some brash and uncouth young lady has been coming thru this site with designs on getting me to come “out” of the closet.
Essentially, she thinks that I’m brokeback. Umm…no brokeback. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
The more you know.
*ding*
Well you know, she got me to thinking. Maybe I should come out of the closet. There really is nothing wrong with admitting certain things. People either love me for me, or not at all. As long as I’m okay with myself…that’s all that matters right?
Right.
Mama said there’d be days like, there’d be days like this, my mama said. It is time for me to just open up the closet door, and step out.
*sweating bullets*
Ladies and gentlemen…I’m…
…the sexxiest muhfucka this side of the River Jordan. And that shit ain’t in Chicago, jack.
Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be. And to think I was nervous telling people what they already knew.
However, old igmo got me thinking about the fact that there are some things that I probably should come out of the closet about, with this being Black History Month and all. Or as I so affectionately like to call it, the Annual Monthly Stoned Soul Picnic and BBQ, complete with the revolutionary Black Panther BBQ sauce courtesy of Fredrika Newton (Huey P. Newton’s widow), Burn Baby Burn Revolutionary Hot Sauce!
And no, I’m not making that up.
“Each bottle of Burn Baby Burn Revolutionary Hot Sauce will come with a tag noting milestones in the history of the Black Panther Party for Self- Defense, which was formed in 1966 by Huey Newton and his college classmate Bobby Seale.”
Oy vey.
I know that’s old news for some, but its Black History Month, we must rehash old facts.
Dr. Martin Luther Tha King, Jr. lived, had some dream, then died.
Fact.
That is all. You may now continue with European History.
So, without further ado (adieu…can somebody please tell me which is the proper form to use when saying “withour further…”)…I’m coming out of the closet.
*sighing in preparation for the long admit*
1. I don’t really like The Color Purple. I never have. I have seen it more times than I care to imagine, but even now, I get little enjoyment out of watching the actual movie. The last time I saw it, which was last summer sometime, I did find it to be much funnier than I remembered. However, I still wasn’t enthralled. And yes, I’m aware that I’m a man and I’ve heard more than enough “you wouldn’t understand because you’re a man and its a movie about women’s struggles” arguments. Frankly, I don’t give a damn. It’s ALSO a movie. Me no likey.
2. I can’t read. *OOPS* That’s from a taped conversation with Fantasia. How’d that get in here??
3. I like Mandy Moore. A lot. In fact, she is one of my favorites. This is not to say she can act. She has proven she can’t. I, however, pay that no mind. Just the other day I watched the movie Chasing Liberty because while I was flipping thru channels she showed up on my TV screen. I watched the whole movie because of her. She’s 5′10″ and 21 years old. She’s legal.
I only threw the 5′10″ thing in there because I can’t believe she’s that tall. I thought it was camera angles. Turns out, she’s just that damn tall.
4. I do not like chicken with bones in them. Yes, I’m a breast man. *rimshot* No really, I do not like wings, thighs, etc. Never have. I do not know why this is. However, if you ever want to make sure I won’t take any of your food, order some wings.
5. I was such a big fan of the show Friends, that I went to a Friends “Last Episode Party”. Yes, I was one of two black males there, with the other one only being there because I think he was trynna holler at the hostess. I also happened to know more about the show than the cascades of white people there causing people to whisper under their breath, “who’s that dashingly charming black bandana’d fellow of potential Latin American descent over there?”
Why, he’s Zorro. I, on the other hand, am Panama Jackson.
And, no brokeback to that entire paragraph up there.
6. Two of my favorite albums of all time are noted, footnoted, and notebooked as NWA’s EFIL4ZAGGIN and De La Soul’s de la soul is dead. However, what you don’t know is that if I have to chose between those two albums and Guns ‘N Roses’ Apetite For Destruction or Nirvana’s Nevermind, NWA and De La Soul might lose everytime. And they’re all going to lose if I can only take one album with me. That honor, goes to Splender Halfway Down The Sky. And no, you haven’t heard of them before.
7. Speaking of music, I just, as in three days ago, purchased Michael Jackson’s Thriller. For the first time. Some 24 years after its release. In my home, we had the album, but I’ve never owned my own copy. I purchased a Hillary Duff album, a 5th Dimension album (they had like ONE good song EVER), and two Lil Kim albums, before purchasing the 2nd best selling album in US history. I also purchased a reggae Best of The Best CD that I subsequently threw out of my car window for being so horrendously bitchtastic. I’m so ashamed at myself and I hope Michael Jackson can forgive me.
My mother too.
8. I hate hate hate black literature of the Zane variety. I think its filth flarn filth and utterly fuckin’ sucks. I’ve tried to read some of those books and just felt dirty and dumber. So, I chose to lump it all together. They all suck.
9. I never liked KRS-One. Ever. Still don’t. At all. Or Doug E. Fresh. And since I’m throwing rappers under the bus Terrell Owen’s style, I didn’t even like Tupac until AFTER he died. And I’m STILL more interested in the person than I am the uneven catalog of music that existed before his legacy was pimped Puffy style. And make no mistake, Puffy is pimping the Notorious B.I.G. like he’s in the running for Player of The Year. I hate to do this, but I’m almost convinced that Mrs. Wallace is too, though not as directly. Money might be short these days. I’m not saying I don’t understand, but that B.S. ass Duets album that has like, no duets, on it? Fuckin’ horrible and clearly a ploy to make money off a limited catalog and his name. And to quote the legendary B.I.G.:
“Number three: never trust no-bo-dy/
Your moms’ll set that ass up, properly gassed up/
Hoodie to mask up, shit, for that fast buck/
she be layin in the bushes to light that ass up”
Prophesy is a bitch.
10. I’m not a fan of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, or BET. There, I said it.
Oh right…no shit. Guess this one doesn’t count.
So here’s a last bonus:
11. I really have no problem with Oprah Winfrey. I’m just afraid of her. She’s the most powerful woman in show business and white people love her. She’s like Suge Knight except she doesn’t smoke cigars, isn’t a Blood, and hasn’t been to jail. Oh yeah, and white people love her. She loves HBCU’s and takes in orphans. What’s not to like? I hate…to stop from crying. And no, I have no idea what that has to do with anything.
The revolution will not be televised…except on UPN…where during Black History Month, lots of movies with black people in them will be shown.
Happy BBQ!
February 7th, 2006 11:56
You know the fact that you have disclosed that you actually purchased a Hillary Duff album will ’cause your “brokeback police stalker” to harass you even further, right?
Don’t worry. I got my blade ready just in case.
February 7th, 2006 12:45
I’m joining you in your “outting” (n/h and n/b),
1)I’ve never seen “The Color Purple” in its entirety. Even though I am a soul brother, I am not ashamed ny this fact.
2) I am not part of the black college student community that lack the literacy for complex tasks. Whew, that one was weighing on me…
3) I love emo chicks. Black hair and black glasses are awesome. I love that dirty look.
4) I, too, enjoy the breasts of chicken. I also like wings. Dark meat can go to hell.
5) I treid to watch “Friends” with my white associates, but failed to grasp its humor.
6) “Illmatic” and “Operation Doomsday” are my favorite albums.
7) I recieved “Thriller” just this Christmas. I still prefer “Off The Wall” over it.
Zane literature is horrible. I once feigned interest in that material to lure a chick into “liking” me (which means sleeping with me).
9) I never liked Tupac. He sucked and the beats were horrible. Do not argue this with me, its a fact of life.
10) I have not watched BET in a minute (like two weeks). Where else will I get my ignorant southern rap from?
February 7th, 2006 12:54
I am LAUGHING MY ASS OFF (no brokeback) at the Biggie quote!! You’re TOO hilarious for that one!!
The Duets album isn’t THAT bad…and BDP’s Edutainment is CLASSIC! KRS used to be my favorite rapper of all time before Cube and later Em and later Jay took that spot. Doug E. was never that Fresh to me neither.
Thriller IZ that CRACK!! Same goes for NIGGAZ4LIFE!
February 7th, 2006 13:02
Beloved…thanks for having my back…
Jules…I like emo chicks too…and I think “Off The Wall” is better than “Thriller” too…I’ve spent hours researching this topic.
Monk…the Duets album is THAT bad. Shit sounds like an ass necklace being sung by Urkel. And NWA rocks.
February 7th, 2006 13:08
Viva la Friends and Seinfeld!!
Zane? Horrible. On this we agree!!
I had to go back and re-read. Just wanted to make sure you didn’t say anything bad about Oprah. I know where you’re coming frmo about being afraid of her. There was a period where I thought she and Puffy’d sold their souls to the Devil. Puffy really did sell his for a lifetime supply of Proactiv! But Oprah makes a conscious effort to use her powers for good. Which is why she rocks!!!
February 7th, 2006 13:33
I thought I was the only one that didn’t like chicken w/ bones in it….people always think that’s weird
February 7th, 2006 14:24
Zane books are for those black college that can’t read. It’s the equivalent of white people’s romance novels (which are just as bad).
People who can’t read must feel like they are smart and gratified for reading, hence those types of books. These are the same people who think theater is Tyler Perry and art are those pornographic WAK paintings of a dreadlock’d guy boinking some chick.
Hate to sound like a snob, but a spade is a spade.
February 7th, 2006 14:30
Zane books suck and are horrible but Donna what do you mean by it’s for those in black colleges that can’t read.
February 7th, 2006 15:41
Hmmm… but how many of you people actually subjected yourselves to reading a Zane novel? I tried (n/b). Never again.
What about those books that are found in the “african american” section of Borders or Barnes and Noble? You know, the ones that have black asses on the cover? Yeah, I read one of those… and I lost my extensive vocabulary when I finished reading it. All that “nigga”, what’s crackin’” and other slang that loses its relevence after a year… makes a nigga go crazy.
February 7th, 2006 19:15
Zane’s novels suck ass. That’s all.
February 8th, 2006 07:48
You don’t like Wings? Didn’t you once tear up some wigs at Stans?
February 8th, 2006 07:49
oops I meant to say wings at stan’s.
February 8th, 2006 09:35
@Honest: I was afraid to not eat the wings, lest you all know my secret. For shame…
Plus, I was just hungry.
February 8th, 2006 11:09
I need you to do a guest spot for my blog. Let me know if you are interested. I’ve got a perfect topic I would love for you to touch on.
Email me later.
By the way. You’ve been on point lately, you been eating your Wheaties or what?
February 8th, 2006 11:15
i’m not a fan of chicken with alot of bones either, but i cant eat ribs unless i have to scrape the meat off of the bones. no real point here, just felt like sharing
February 8th, 2006 11:19
Panama,
No one here could care less if you were broke back or lemon lime. We think youre sexy, which is why we keep coming back.
February 8th, 2006 12:09
Well you know I will come to your grammatical rescue. The correct term is “Without further ado.” Ado means fuss… like in the phrase “much ado about nothing” where adieu, as you know means “farewell” in French.
*back to reading this Panama-length post* LOL
Adieu! =)
February 8th, 2006 12:27
Okay I’ve read and now I must comment… one by one.
1. That’s fine. I happen to like it, but I don’t need to revisit it 10,000 times like a lot of people do.
2. You’re an ass. ROFLMAO
3. We’ve discussed my disappointment in you ad nauseum.
4. Interesting… no wings for you? Clearly your maternal genes surfacing.
5. This is okay - I liked Friends but LOVED Seinfeld… and I think we’ve discussed how I feel about “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” OMG. LOL
6. Yeah umm… Nirvana’s Nevermind would beat those out for me ANY day of the week, I loved Guns N Roses’ Appetite for Destruction too… but Nirvana? OMG. And Umm… don’t sleep on Fleetwood Mac’s greatest hits… but we’ve discussed this. LOL
7. ROFLMAO crazy… I just bought it like maybe 5 years ago. So I can TOTALLY relate. I never really wanted it. It was so hackneyed and trite… ugh. Off the Wall was SO much better.
8. Amen hallelujah thank you Jesus. Totally agree. And if ever I read something like that, it would be at home, never in public. UGH… like you said, with every turn of the page, I could feel a brain cell die.
9. Now see this is where you take shyt too damn far. You don’t like KRS-ONE??? NEVER HAVE? See, I guess I’m offended because he is ALWAYS my #1 when we talk of the greatest rappers of all time… yes, yes, in FRONT of Rakim. I love Rakim… and he’s a GREAT #2. But KRSONE??? I”ll slap you. ROFLMAO Oh and I agree ono everything else… yeah, I agree… and I love 10 Crack Commandments. “Hoodied and masked up…” He was the greatest too… but not better than KRS One… *sigh* I’m almost as disappointed as with the Mandy Moore thing.
10. You know about 5 years ago, I would have agreed with you - I’m still not a big fan of Jesse’s. But Al is alright with me. Ever since he made that comment after 9/11/01 that went something to the effect of, “You were so busy watching the brother with his hat to the back that they were able to steal your planes and fly them into your buildings.” Wow. That was deep to me. aFter that I started concentrating LESS on the conk, and more on what he’s had to say over the years and when I READ him, I found that I really respected his point of view. (bad hair and Tawanna Brawley notwithstanding).
11. I love her. She can sometimes be a liiiiiittle out of touch, but a BILLION Fycking dollars can do that to you. I just look at all she’s OVERCOME, and all that she’s ACHIEVED. Good Lord. How can you NOT respect her. She’s outrageously powerful, inconceivably wealthy… it’s awesome. I swear, I watched her 20th Anniversary special and she made me cry with so many clips. Not because they were mushy, or sad, but simply to see where she’d come from, back in 86, to now… to see the ways she’s capable of CHANGING PEOPLE’S LIVES… it’s awesome to watch. And I love that she doesn’t sit on her azz and talk. She DOES SHYT!!! She helps people… and she did it not at her own, or our expense. She’s NEVER compromised her intelligence or her integrity for a dollar… I respect her. So I do NOT hate you on that one. =)
Good list. =)
February 8th, 2006 12:41
@X: #9. I suppose him being from the Bronx has nothing to do with your strange love for him. Better than Rakim…you must be smoking. And I don’t even like Rakim that much.
#10 Well they say a broke clock is right twice a day. Before technology introduced us to digital anyway.
February 8th, 2006 14:33
*sticking tongue out* pppppbbbbbbttttthhhhhhhhh
February 9th, 2006 12:31
The only reason white people are able to black people at all especially this day in age is because we are the race that created Oprah. This is fact.
I was a huge Buffy fan myself, as well as the show Firefly and the movie Serenity. Joss Whedon is the shit.
I never thought that reading literature about graphic sexual acts would be boring, but somehow Zane makes it that way.
Thriller is a current and frequent album that I play, I listen to it twice a week. This one and Off the Wall are almost perfect albums.
February 9th, 2006 14:17
Wow! This was a good post. You did nice work daddy. You almost had me until you said you liked Mandy Moore. See that’s what I mean baby. Like I said before, I’m a loyal fan regardless. Just come clean you will feel a lot better. And again I hope I’m wrong because you seem like you would be a lot of fun to turn out. Anyhoo smile and enjoy your day!
PS Zane is the shit! Freaky and nasty rowrrrr!
With love,
A concerned US citizen
February 9th, 2006 14:35
wuttup yo. long time. feeling octo-responsible (because i don’t wanna say semi-or quasi-) for the bit of black love i believe you’re enjoying, i’m glad you came out. can’t have my girl rolling with an ofra-lover unbeknownst, nahmean.
fabulous list though i *did* have a coupla thangs to say…
1. you’re trippin about the color purple. and not even because you’re a man. u should likey because it’s freakin brilliant.
2. mmm. you ain’t right. but what really ain’t right is the fact that… there were at least five ENGLISH/ENGL. EDUCATION majors in my graduating class at a certain unnamed HBCU…that couldn’t read. right.
3. “Saved” might have been one of the funniest movies i’ve ever seen. ever. i don’t think it was cuza Mandy Moore, but uh - she wasn’t bad.
4. chicken breast is ambrosia. wings are meatless. dark meat is just gross.
5. might be able to whomp yo ass in a “Friends” trivia game my mum gave me and my sister for Christmas. and yes, it’s show white. the first recurring black role doesn’t come until the second to last season?
“COME ON!”
- gob bluth. because i also watch Arrested Development and think it’s the smartest show on television since… i dunno. Chappelle’s Show maybe?
6. my mum told me and my sisters Gunz N Roses were racist so we wouldn’t listen to them. were we missing something?
7. thass alright. you ain’t hafta own it to own it.
8. when you’re lumping and hating on those zane-esque books, do you include omar tyree, terry mcmillan, eric jerome dickey types? CUZ I HATE THEM TOO.
9. uh, you’re trippin on KRS-One. and Doug E. Fresh? COME ON! i’m witcha on Tupac, though. do you know a brother tryina holla at Best Buy one time freakin turned around and walked away mid-sentence when i said i wasn’t a Tupac fan! and do you know i know more about the real Tupac Amaru than Tupac Shakur?
10. don’t sleep on Al Sharpton. i did. and then…
11. hmm. ofra… naw, i ain’t witcha. she doesn’t always use her powers for good.
hope you’re good
February 9th, 2006 15:43
@courage: it has been a long time…and yes, thank you a million times over. octo-responsible…yes you are…
As far as Guns ‘N Roses goes, apparently not many people realize that one of the band members was black. Guitarist Slash is a black (bi-racial) dude. I’m not sure you can be a racist group with a black dude in the band. However, they did have one song that caught a LOT of flak because the words “faggots” and “niggers” was used in the song. I can’t remember the name of it offhand, but that did become a problem back in the day. Ironically, Axl Rose (who wrote the lyrics) was a longtime fan of Freddie Mercury, a known gay man. Not that it excuses anything…to this day I still don’t remember the song, but there was a black dude in the group.
Not that that makes the case…