*cheers as President Jackson enters the room*

*cueing up “I Think They Like Me” by Dem Franchize Boyz”

—President Jackson settles in at the podium and quiets the crowd with a fist in the air—

Ladies and gentlemen, members of my Cabinet, members of Bad Boy Entertainment, G-Unit, and Black Wall Street…welcome to the House.

I go to the House, but where do you go?

Today is the second day of our Annual Monthlong BBQ, Black History Month. It is a time where we black people, attempt to do something everyday to make sure that our mark on history is never forgotten. This morning, I attempted to get a loan at a bank for a home. I was rejected!

History is alive and well!

*unnecessary clapping that will be repeated at least 20 times during speech*

Four score and seven minutes ago, I was asleep. Now I’m awake, but let me tell you…I had a dream. It was not a dream deferred. No, I dreamed the impossible dream. In fact, dream lover come rescue me.

*clapping*

I’ll get to the state of our Stoned Soul PIcnic shortly, but first let me tell you about my dream. I had a dream that one day, black men from Southside Jamaica Queens (nigga ya heard me) and black men from Compton would one day be able to sit down at the table of Aaron McGruder, and kiss and make up, without literally doing so. In my dream, high schoolers in Prince George’s County, Maryland, the most affluent majority-minority county in America, were not shooting up school buses after being kicked off the bus for fighting.

In my dream, Ma$e was not going to Hell and Al Sharpton not only lost the perm, but got a haircut. You see, in my dream, remember, it was the impossible dream, Jesse Jackson…

…GOT A JOB!!!!

*lady faints in third aisle*

I had a dream ladies and gentlemen, that one day, as a nation, black people would not only not embarass the white people we so foolishly seek acceptance from, but we’d also stop embarassing ourselves by doing stupid things like getting tattos of grown men on our wrists or hands. Living grown men. A tatter of MLK is okay, but Tupac is not. In my dream, the murderers of Tupac and Biggie were found.

My people, we can talk about my dreams all day long. Let us talk about reality and the State of The Stoned Soul Picnic.

Today, on this February 2, 2006, we have got some problems. But we’ve also got some positive things happening in our community. Let us start with the problems and inspirationally move to the mountaintop.

Yes, because I heard it from the mountaintop, that we have issues. As I look out over the vast diversity that is you, me, him, and her, I realize that we are a people in search of Bobby Fischer. What does that mean? It means that we don’t know what the hell we are doing. We are amidst of a time of great talent and great means for many of our sons and daughters of the slaves of the Daughters of the American Revolution, yet, like DeNiro told the future real life murderer, Collagero, there is nothing worse than wasted talent.

*clapping*

A great scribe and wise man once said, “im writin’ to show you what we’re fightin’ for”.

Well, after he said that, he never did tell us what we are fighting for. And do you know why he didn’t? Because he has no idea what we’re fighting for. And that’s where we rest today, in the Stoned Soul Picnic, there are many people at the table, but nobody knows what to ask for…or how to even ask for it. The racism and bigotry of the past still exists, except now its in the form of vague, ambiguous policies and subtle digs. And without the overt nature of the beast, it has left many of us shooting into a Hoover-esque vacuum. And that sucks.

*clapping*

We look for a cause, but we’re not sure where to start. We start with the obvious, that white people are holding us down. And I’m telling you today people…

…that’s not fair. It’s not fair because we are helping them do it. We are fighting amongst ourselves and making it possible for eachother to remain in positions we don’t want to be in. The suburban county of Prince George’s, Maryland, once again the most affluent majority-minority county in America, had upwards of 170 murders last year. That is more murders than some major cities. In fact, the adjacent District of Columbia, long known as a murder capital, had only slighly more, despite having about 300,000 less people. Even in our bastions of hope and change, they shootin’…

…I made you look.

But do you see? How can we rise up if we keep shooting eachother down? And I don’t care how we got to these circumstances. I’m well aware that the legacy of slavery and the psychological ramifications are far-reaching, causing many of the very problems that exist.

However, if a nigga robs me, I don’t care how slavery impacted his mindframe causing him to place a gun at my temple…THAT nigga robbed me.

Fuck him.

*clapping*

I’m sorry for having to get so vulgar, but I just had to say it.

And can somebody, for the life of me, get Al Sharpton a hobby? Why does he keep showing up at the most random of times, getting involved in the most asinine of occasions. He even got involved in the whole 50 Cent versus The Game beef. And by hobby, I do not mean a talk show in a barbershop. I mean a hobby that furthers the progress of the people he’s claiming to love. How can you work in my best interest if your hair isn’t even in your best interest?

On this day, BET still exists in the form that has brought it much disdain from nearly everybody who watches it. Honestly, if I meet anybody who feels that BET is doing a service to the black community, I will assume they are CIA operatives in charge of bringing back COINTELPRO. And that’s assuming it ever stopped.

On this day, Donovan McNabb, a man who has been pretty much able to remain clean in the entire T.O. BS-fest, decided that he’d correct the wrong dots in an interview and claim that Terrell Owens said that Brett Favre would lead the hapless Eagles to a perfect season because he was a white quarterback. I don’t even think Donovan saw the interview. T.O. was asked a question, and he answered it. Was it dumb? Yes. However, Donovan McNabb DECIDED to make that “black-on-black” crime DESPITE that the question was not only brought to him, by Michael Irvin, a black man, but that it had NOTHING to do with race in the first place.

*GET YO’ HAND OUT OF MY POCKET*

Umm, if anybody tries to shoot me in the next few minutes, I just thought I’d let you know, this AIN’T the Audobon Ballroom, nigga. This here D.C. You will die.

Moving on, to more political topics. In what can only be deemed the worst shit that could possibly happen to any progressive forward thinking person, new Supreme Court Justice Samuel Aliton was confirmed. People have often felt that President Bush was doing damage, but that it woudl be over at the end of his term. No, this man has made sure that we will feel the wrath of his mind for decades to come. Apparently, given his past opinions, social, and political leanings, women will no longer have any say so over their bodies, and Princeton might just be able to get back to the glory days of old when minorities weren’t a problem.

God bless America!

On the bright side, Jesse Jackson hasn’t been making any noise for a while.

People think black culture is on the decline. I disagree, American culture is on the decline. We are a subset that reflects the whole. Hip-hop reflects the same thing. Hip-hop will get better when we get better. And I stole that from Mos Def, kind of sort of.

And most importantly, Jim Jones is out there running the streets ruining black culture.

As long as Jim Jones is allowed to run amuck and speak, black people cannot rise.

However, all is not lost. The Boondocks, and more importantly, Aaron McGruder has managed to continuously push the envelope, sometimes good and sometimes bad, yet always with the best of intentions. In a place where speech is often stifled for being different than what the mainstream wants, he has kept on talking. Let’s just keep him off of Memphis balconies.

We are still defining cultural trends for the world…and the jury is out on whether this is a good or a bad thing. Three 6 Mafia was nominated for an Oscar for their work on the Hustle & Flow movie, specifically their song “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp”. Terrance Howard was nominated as well, as as rapping pimp. Strange yes, but well take it where we can get it.

*chants of “Stay Hiiiiiii-iiiii-iiiii-iiiiigh” can be heard throughout*

See, that’s what I’m talking about right there!

Kanye West looks to bring even more G.O.O.D. music in the future, and despite his ultimate effeminate demeanor, so does The Game. And yes, I love LA.

*clapping*

Though things look bleak for black people, I believe that one day, we will figure out how to make good on those hopes and dreams that a relevant NAACP, SCLC, and King Family had in the ’60’s. The loss of Corretta Scott-King was a blow to us all, but we can now be assured that she is reunited with a man who was taken too soon. A man of great integrity…a Morehouse Man.

*clapping wildly and standing ovation for Morehouse Men everywhere*

My people, I can only hope that we can get up, so that we don’t have to stay down. And I know we can do it. We are moving towards that deluxe apartment in the sky. We just need the keys. And I’m not talking about Alicia. We have more black middle class-ers than ever and hopefully we can continue the trend. As long as we don’t forget that we need to make sure that others can do the same.

Ladies and gentlemen, we shall overcome…but that is outdated…so I’ll leave you with this gem from a Yonkers school boy…

We Gonna Make It…and if anybody gives you any guff…well then…

…we’ll kick in the door wavin’ the .44, all you heard was Poppa don’t hit me no more.

Yes, Biggie…that is all we heard.

Goodnight and Godspeed.

*clapping and gladhanding as President Jackson drops the mic, throws hands in the air, waves them like he just doesn’t care and exits, stage left*