Have you ever been in the Hallmark store and just couldn’t find the right card to express how you really felt about your bitch?

Or what about your nigga that’s on the block?

Hmm…

I love minority businesses. In fact, I think evey minority should get them a business of sorts. The same day you buy your first pair of Jordan’s, you should apply to get your first business.

What? You know us minorities love us some Jordan’s.

Now the reason I think that folks should apply, and thusly be denied or approved (and I’ll just say by me for now, I’m sexxy) for their business venture is because if that doesn’t happen, well, you get shit like this…

Official Street Cards

*whistling “The Whisper Song” whilst you go check out that website…please do, my life depends on it*

Somebody.

Shoot.

Me.

I will never understand for the life of me why us black folks think that if we want to create something geared towards urban audiences (read ourselves) it has to be so damn…ghetto. Look I’m not shitting on this company’s goals, I am however shitting on their execution. I mean, this seems like some shit white kids in Iowa that call eachother nigga would put together thinking that they were providing a necessary service. Basically, the cards read like some shit white people who have never met black people would write.

Let me also say that I’m not offended by this in the slightest, I just think it’s dumb and slightly on the ignorant side. And you know I know ignant when I see it. Hell, I’m ignorance personified.

Did I mention I thought this was also funny, like very funny? Because I do. Sad too…

Let’s learn more about the company, shall we? Yes…let us shall.

Well apparently they are from Brooklyn, NY, and probably the street since the cards are called “Official Street Cards” and felt that they needed to tap into a group “who wouldn’t buy a greeting card because of its wordplay…too corny or too mushy.” I guess street creditibility has become SO important, that niggas buying their mother’s cards that said shit like, I don’t know, “I love you”, might make you a punk out on the streets and get you shot, which ironically, would increase your street credibility. Strange times we live in aren’t they?

Want a solution? Now you got one!!!

Official Street Cards makes it possible for you to say (and apparently for the Latino’s and black Latino’s out there): “All my homies wonder why I’m so happy. I let them know that if you don’t have da love, support, and my moms rice and beans, YOU’ll never know. Happy Mother’s Day!”

Not one of the mother’s day cards even says I love you. Which I suppose is too mushy or corny…for your mother.

They also have Valentine’s Day cards, for the thug in you. Peep this, homey! Word to your mother!

“There’s no else I’d rather roll wit!”

Hell, none of these even say I love you. Apparently, we don’t have any love in the ‘hood.

But we do have in the hood is niggas in jail. And since every black person in America has at least one family member who’s either been to, going to, or currently in jail, they have the Lockdown collection.

They even have the Love collection, which is a mix of few of the other cards that appear in other sections. The highlight would be the Bobby-Whitney Special, “I know we fuss and fight, but our love thang is tight.”

Now, it wouldn’t be fair if I claimed that all of their cards were bad. And in fairness, they aren’t the worst they could have been.

Hmm…I’m lying…these cards suck ass.

However, their goods cards, such as the Christmas line aren’t SO over the hip-hop edge (well except for the wreath wrapped in a microphone, but who’s splitting hairs?). For instance, in the Father’s Day collection, I had to wonder how they were going to tackle the “absentee” father syndrome. It’s an urban card line who has proven they aren’t afraid to handle thug love and single motherhood, right? Well they have the absentee father special, “Pops, though you weren’t around most of the time, I got this card to let you know I felt your love from a distance.”

That’s positive, right?

While I have your attention, let me address something else here. In the “About The Crew” section of the site, they let us know that “OSC not only taps into the well known Ebonics slang…”

Now the educated negro in me just can’t let that slide. Ebonics is not slang. Do they tap into Ebonics? Yes, but the use of words like “doe” instead of “though” or “wit” instead of “with”, etc, isn’t exactly something to aspire to? Is it? Do they use slang as well? Yes. But Ebonics and slang are two different things. Slang is saying “joint” instead of saying ” that thing”, or “bling” instead of saying “jewelry”. Saying “dat” instead of “that” is called a speech impediment.

At 30, it’s called unemployment.

I guess the problem here is that these cards seem to be mocking the very folks they are supposed to be representing for. I’ll give credit where credit is due, the artwork is pretty good on many of the cards, but the messages inside reek of “yo, niggas on the street be talkin’ like dat yo, dey want dey cards to be like dat too yo!”

Umm…funky dope fresh?

Sometimes, keeping it “real”, just goes wrong…which means…

…don’t nan’ one of yall niggas ever not never buy me one of dem cards or you gonna be on my “do not call” list on phonebook, son.

That’s official homey.