As January 1 quickly approaches, people will be bending over backwards in attempts to create resolutions for themselves that they will either forget or altogether abandon by February 1.

It’s tradition.

Well, out of the kindness of my heart, I’ve decided to help out a group of overly busy individuals come up with possible New Year’s Resolutions. What group is this?

Rappers.

Yes, those very rappers who provide us with both the opportunity to learn as well as the chance to look up and to the left in disbelief and utter those words that Joseph uttered when he found out that Mary was pregnant…

…what the fuck?

He probably also said “it ain’t mine, I had the sheepskin on extra tight”, but that’s neither here nor there.

Without further ado, and much ado about nothing, and Freddy Adu, Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…

New Year’s Resolutions Suggestions For The Rapper Who Has It All

The Game - *sigh* Stop being a pussy. It was bad enough that you went out and got a butterfly tattoo on your face…

Stop.

In the pantheon of extremely pussy things for a KNOWN gang member to do, this has to be right at #1. I understand the need for change and new life and yada yada yada, but couldn’t you just have got it somewhere else? I know you wanted to offset your “teardrop” and all but damn. It’s like your challenging people to question your manliness. You were already a stripper, then a Change Of Heart contestant, now this.

Also, no more G-Unot tattooes, haircuts, promotional campaigns, etc. In fact, get over 50 Cent. He doesn’t like you and if you don’t start acting like a man…nobody else will either.

Rap skills (of some sort)+pussy demeanor=Ma$e.

And you don’t want to be Mase…not in 2006.

Ma$e - Do not die anytime soon. You will go to Hell. It is in your best interest to resolve to live long enough to repent for all the stupidness you have brung unto yourself in the past 6 months. I’d say you need at least 10 more years to make up for signing with Satan (50 Cent). And pray a lot more this year…for your soul.

And since we’re on this G-Unit kick anyway…

Prodigy (of Mobb Deep) - Please resolve to remove 50 Cent’s dick from your mouth. It is causing you all kinds of problems. From totally bitching out and saying that you’ll do whatever 50 Cent says you can do collabo-wise, to starting up beef with rappers who couldn’t care less about you with whom you’ve COLLABORATED AND CLAIMED TO BE COOL WITH, to just outright thinking that you are a star now because you are aligned with 50, you really are annoying the living fuck out of Mobb Deep fans. You can’t be hard when your spending all of your time on your knees (or since you’re like 5′3″ you might actually be standing up). It’s hard to shoot people while giving head isn’t it Prodigy? Isn’t it?

Benzino - Resolve to just go die and do it quietly. The OZONE Magazine voicemails were quite comical, but you do realize you’re a dickhead right? It is in your best interest for 2006 to just go away. Nobody likes you and I’m sure you’re mother is starting to question her love for you.

“You’se a nigga who don’t even get no props in your set” -DJ Quik “Dollaz ‘n Sense”, 1993

Boston don’t even love you. Just go away.

Eminem - You should resolve to kick up some dust this year and relieve yourself of production duties. Basically, you suck at production. I’m a huge fan, but I don’t even listen to anything past The Marshall Mather LP because the last two albums were garbage. Much like many other people in life, you need inspiration and a nation to basically hate you to be on your A game. I understand this, so go piss somebody off. When you’re great, you’re the best. When you turn in shit like Encore, well, I just get offended….despite ridiculous albums sales.

Ice Cube - Resolve to never rap again. It’s just too hard for me to go from AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted to anything you’ve done since The Predator. Please, for the love of mankind, resolve to put down the mic. That is all. Do keep making movies. They entertain me.

Kanye West - Hmm…Kanye, methinks thou shouldeth resolve to deflate thine head a smidge. However, since you won’t do that anytime soon, and you do keep making some of the best music to date, just stop sucking your own dick long enough for any woman you’re dating to give you some head too. She’s getting jealous Kanye. Oh yes, do not burn any bridges with other Grammy nominated artists by telling MTV that you’re album is way better than the rest, especially when you worked on those other albums (The Emancipation of Mimi). Cocky is one thing, asshole is another. You are neither, you are a dickhead.

Bumaya Kanye! Bumaya Kanye!

50 Cent - Stop being so damn ignorant. And quite taking credit for everything that happens to anybody and everybody. I swear, I heard this nigga take credit for Tom and Katie hooking up (I’m making that up). Also, stay out of politics…and stay out of reporters faces who will ask you political questions, making you like like a damn fool’s damn fool. And umm, stop signing so many nobodies. Nobody wants to hear an Olivia album. Nobody. Especially after the abortion that was Tony Yayo’s album.

Jay-Z - Resolve to stop doing verses on niggas albums that outshine the whole albums. Basically, either give me a new album, or shut the fuck up. You are pissing people off by dropping million dollar verses here and there and making us want another album. Just stop it.

Nas - Resolve to work with somebody who knows how to pick good beats as you have an uncanny ability to pick some of the most godawful beats known to man. Not always, as you did turn in both Illmatic and It Was Written, but I’m convinced somebody else picked those beats and helped to guide your career. Oh yes, and Streets Disciple wasn’t a good album. Please make sure Nasdaq Dow Jones is. No shitty beats.

Young Jeezy - Resolve to take spelling lessons. It is not spelled T-R-A-P-S-T-R. I don’t know if you noticed, but you left out an A. It’s okay, just don’t do it again. Judging by the strange reception you received nationwide, apparently nobody cared that you can’t spell (or rap). Or maybe, they were the kinds of people that wouldn’t know (or care) anyway.

Happy New Year!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 28th, 2005 at 10:34 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.