Employee: Will this be all for you? Will you be paying with cash, check, or credit card?

Customer: I’ll be using my race card. Thank you.

Now how funny would it be to see that situation occur and see somebody pull out the Black American Express card, or the African-American Express as Kanye so eloquently stated?

But I’m not talking about credit cards, I’m talking about the race card. And quite frankly, that’s all you need.

I’m black.

Let me repeat that for those who are unaware or can’t read who in essence wouldn’t need me to repeat it since you aren’t reading this anyway and it isn’t like this is out on CD or anything so I supposed the only reason I’m repeating is because I actually want to repeat it again. I supposed I’m just arrogant like that. I’m also arrogant enough to ask you, why are there dandelions in the parking garage (I know you have no idea…I’m sexxy)?

*ahem*

I’m black.

Now as a black person in America, I have been afforded certain luxuries. I get to be on the leading edge of where youth culture is going and lead impressionable white youth through the rebellious phase that their parents despise that will be ultimately grown out of. I get to be the first to see how effectively the police force is policing a neighborhood. I also get the luxury of being the first guy picked on an outside basketball court if nothing but white players are playing.

I also get to use the race card at my discretion. Yes, as a black person, I get to proclaim that race played a part in pretty much any situation where it is even remotely possible that race could have negatively impacted a situation. Sometimes I’m right, but sometimes I’m wrong. The bottom line is that given this country’s history, I’m within my full rights to do so at my leisure.

I watched the finale of America’s Next Top Model last night. And yes, I watch that show. I even pick favorites and have conversations with people about the show. This show is living proof that if you are pretty (or unique looking) somebody will pay and you can have a good life. I mean seriously, what other talents do these women actually have despite their God (or whoever you pray too or if you aren’t religious, biolgically configured genetic)-given looks? Yet, there they are, on display trying to make a living off of facial expressions and their genetics. And I have no issue with that, I think its great. That’s why I watch it.

[***DISCLAIMER: I don't want to hear about how these models have talent and what not. Give me a fucking break. Aside from the ability to walk in a straight line and snort coke at an amazing speed, neither of which are exactly marketable skills, there isn't much talent necessary. Shit, throw a carb-filled potato and a Shakesperean sonnet at them and they'll take of running and screaming. So cut the shit about the talented models. It takes a look and sometimes a gas-induced look to be a model. And being tall...that helps a lot. So if you are a model and are offended by any statements I make...snort some coke, shut the fuck up and smile. Go stand and look interesting somewhere. ***]

Well, after Bree was eliminated last night…I wonder if anybody in America actually thought Bree was going to win. Talk about something that wasn’t going to happen. There was a better chance of the KKK letting me speak at their next convention than Bree winning. Either way, after Bree was eliminated and it was Nicole and Nik left, something dawned on me. If Nik loses, the race card is going to be pulled.

Nik lost. The race card was pulled.

Right after it was announced that Nicole won, my little sister and I took out a bet on who the first person to pull the race card was going to be. I said my girlfriend would.

I was right.

In less than one hour, the race card had been pulled.

Let me be very clear about this…I think that given the runway performance, Nicole won. It was Nik’s to lose because she was on par for the most part. But Nicole flipped the script. I wasn’t prepared. I wanted Nik to win much like every other black person. And further, though I thought she did take outstanding pictures, I wanted her to win mostly because she was, well, black.

I’m sure most black people felt that way. But I’m also sure that a lot of black people will say that Nicole won because she was white and two black chicks had won in prior years. I’m not saying it isn’t possible, we all know that when race can play a factor, it usually does. However, I actually think Nicole deserved to win.

While we’re talking about Nik…oh, we weren’t we? Hmm, while we’re talking about Nik, isn’t she the most unattractive attractive woman, like ever? When I first saw her I thought she was the most ugmo of ugmo’s. But when she takes pictures, she looks good. And last night, for the first time I thought she looked quite attractive at the panel. She’s unique looking. So unigue that she’s uglily beautiful. Any dude dating her will somehow be the envy of other dudes. Luckily, she has gorgeous eyes because if she didn’t, she’d be busted for real. Just strange.

Yep, I don’t think the race card is appropriate in this situation…but then again, I actually think Nicole stole it from Nik with the runway. For those that don’t think that should have done it, the race card is appropriate. I must say though, that I have a problem with the race card being pulled at every damn turn.

Everything isn’t racism. I’m sorry. I know as black people, we’ve had some fucked up times and will have more and I think that in 75 percent of cases, we are justified in pulling the race card. But in those other 25, well we are just full of shit. I swear, anytime a muhfucka can say race is why something didn’t work out for them they do.

Dandelions in the parking garage. Why?

You didn’t get that job? It’s because them white muhfucka’s don’t want no black faces around. You got put in jail…another case of the white cops fucking with black people. Maybe they caught your ass committing a crime. Sometimes, just sometimes, it has nothing to do with race and more to do with the situation as presented before you.

Now, I know we’ve been conditioned to feel like it’s always race given this countries racist history and the PC racism that goes on today. But I think sometimes it causes us to make too many assumptions. We assume we didn’t get the job becasue the company’s racist…we never once think that somebody else may have been more qualified.

COMING SOON. The 2nd Annual Jackson G. Tickle Michael Jackson/Condoleeza Rice Most Ignant Black Person of 2005 Pageant!! Coming January 9th, 2006 to We The Voices/JGT Enterprises…it’s coming back bitches.

Let me also say, I believe in affirmative action so like Chris Rock said, “If it’s a tie…fuck ‘em.” I wholeheartedly agree with that, but you know…everything isn’t a gotdamned tie.

And nobody ever thinks about that side. I’ll be the first person to call a spade a spade, and say some shit is racist if I actually believe it has some racial undertones. But last night…muhfuckin’ Nik dropped the ball and Nicole busted that ass like Tyson in the 80’s. I’ve already talked with more than enough people to realize that folks are gonna throw the race card around like that shit is a football in Indianapolis, but in this case, I don’t think it fits.

To Nicole, congratulations. I hate you.

To Nik, you ugly fine woman, you’ll land on your feet b/c you only lost due to the runway and the fact that the damn Twiggy-heiffer didn’t like you from the beginning.

And for everybody that is heated about Nik losing…

…just call Jesse.