Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

[*** This is long, otherwise known as a Panama-length post. I'm sexxy. ***]

“I ain’t no criminal motherfucker, I can read.” -Doughboy (as played by Ice Cube) in Boyz ‘N Da Hood

I always thought that was a funny line, mostly because it was said at a party, celebrating his return from jail…

…where criminals are.

*rimshot*

If you remember, a while ago I provided a guide for all of the gangsters out there (clearly not those reading this right now) who wanted to know how to go grocery shopping but just didn’t have the faintest clue where to start. You know, gangstas are often placed in the most precarious of situations. For instance, gangstas are regular people just like me and you. However, they are prone to thuggery and must maintain a certain public facade in order to retain the respect and admiration or fear that comes along with being that nigga that shanked a few folks back in Sing Sing or Angola or on the corner for stepping on their sneakers or looking at their Slim Jim too hard. In fact, often times, all gangstas have is respect, with lack of respect being the leading killer of black men between the ages of 15 and 34.

You see, it has been said that men cry in the dark. If you’re a gangsta, this is not in your best interest. In fact, you are usually only allowed to cry at home with your gangsta bitch before the funeral of your boy who was “holding it down” (like gravity). Crying is not in the G-code. Neither is the letter “B”.

Well, within this precariosity that gangstas find themselves engulfed, often times the simple things that us regular black folks can do and not be ridiculed for aren’t within their grasp. Seriously, if you saw a so-called gangsta doing any number of things his credibility would become totally suspect. Gangsta’s shouldn’t smile too much unless talking about drug proceeds or bitches and guns. Shows of affection in public are against the code. In fact, being a gangsta is much like being an athlete. Things that happen in the locker room that might be considered gay to the outside world are sometimes okay, like crying, hugging half-naked, or doing very feminine dances to celebrate victory. Then again, everybody there understands that everybody there is a gangsta therefore posing is unnecessary. Except when respect comes into play, which as we know by now…

…is the number of killer of black males between the ages of 15 and 34.

I have much respect for the plight of the gangsta. Not because I am one. Heavens no. I’m merely the most gangsta sexxy nigga this side of the computer screen. The mere fact that I’m sitting in front of a computer screen between the hours of 9 and 530pm means two things, 1) I can read; and 2) I’m employed. This takes me clear out of contention for “real” gangsta. However, I have realized that it is important to help those whose life has been made harder by their choices. Gangstas want to do shit that us regular black menses do…like skateboard, smile, not scare the bejesus out of white people (though this has proven that even the most educated niggas get a kick out of scaring white people), bake cookies, discuss current events (and I don’t mean the latest murder statistics), have good credit, hmm…have credit, be able to walk into an expensive store and not be treated like a criminal…hmmm, may have to rethink that one, wear suits, leave their neighborhoods and jog along a beach in some random state (wait, that was in Get Rich Or Die Tryin’), eat truffles in public, etc. I think you get the point.

Not being a gangsta also allows me to do something that many gangstas wish upon stars to be able to do without fear or repercusion…

…get an education and actually enjoy it.

So today, after that long ass introduction, I’m going to give you all a tool to take back to your random ‘hoods or ‘hood family members in projects nationwide so that they too can find a way to get the education they desire without being looked at as suspect by their peers thereby causing their respect and credibility to be tarnished forver because they were carrying around C.S. Lewis’ The Chronicles of Narnia or can count.

Hmm…you know, as much as we fear education in the black community, we sure do love to make fun of niggas for being stupid. It’s the ultimate catch 22. It’s not cool to learn, but it’s not cool to be stupid as shit either. Amazing conundrums we like to quagmire ourselves into, isn’t it? Because really, NOBODY wants to be this nigga:

“1, 2, 4, 5…I can count too. Countin’ these rocks beeeyotch!” -Chris Rock, Bring The Pain, 1996

It is in effect, not a good look.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…The Gangsta’s Guide To Gettin’ An Ejukasion: Learnin’ to Drive-By Too

Are you a gangsta? Is Tupac one of your idols? Do you slap fools just for living and snuff nuns with guns? Are you the hardest nigga on your block, or mayhaps the meanest mofo low down around this town? You are…wonderful! Let me ask you another question. Do you have books? Don’t look at me like that and please sir, put the .357 down. I’ll ask again. Do you like books…and can you read? It’s okay, you can tell me. You can can’t you? No, nobody’s watching. What’s that you say? You like reading? WHOA…slow down on the Zane homeboy. I don’t even like him. Son, I know its hard to be smart in the ‘hood, but I’ve come up with a way for you to get yo’ learn on, and still maintain that gangsta exterior you’ve worked so hard for.

You want to know how? Have a seat youngster as I take you through the means for you to be at school, pretend to not learn anything but really soak up some information that can help you become one of the guys in jail who turns their life around and makes a difference to thousands of men around him. Kind of like Stanley “Tookie” Williams. WHOA…I’m not a Crip son, be easy. You calm? Okay, let us begin.

We’ll discuss a few things common to education and exactly how you can cover up your own learning so that no kids or old people will be any the wiser that you have indeed been infiltrated by the best that public school education can provide. Let’s begin.

For the record, these are things you will be doing at school. You must attend school since that keeps the Feds off of your tail. This works good for stories since you can tell your fellow students who are afraid of you that you’re just trying to lay low by being at school. And always sit in the back and only answer when called upon. It bequeaths (I know it ain’t the right word, thank you) you to get an answer right every now and then, that way they don’t kick you out.

I’d also recommend that you discuss your plans for fake-me-out education with your teachers. They might understand. That way, nobody has to get their cover blown. And you can manage to graduate at the top of your class like you would have if you weren’t so got damn dumb.

1) Reading

This is one of the most ungangsta things that anybody can do. However, there is a loophole. You see, Tupac has become the stuff of legends. This bodes well for the gangstas since he is often mis-represented as the quintessential thug. Thus, it is okay to read about Tupac. I suggest getting one Tupac book with a slipcover and use that slip cover over any other book you might want to read. That way, nobody will realize that you are actually reading any other books AND you get the added bonus of looking dumb since niggas will think that you have been reading the same book for years. It’s the best of both worlds, minus the R. Kelly sex tape and mace scandal in New York City.

2) Writing

Now, being a poet is not very gangsta. In fact, it can be quite gay in the ‘hood. However, there is a way around this as well. You see, what are rappers? They are nothing but pissed off poets. If you want to write poetry or short stories you have two options. Either you disguise it all as you being an aspiring rapper who plans on letting them bitch ass niggas know what’s up, or you are gonna write a movie and put all of your niggas in it. Since the hood is full of broken dreams and crack vials, you never actually have to finish anything or become successful at it. You can keep on writing in peace and nobody will ever have to know.

3) Math

Ahh, the crowd favorite. Math is tricky, because once you start getting into classes that are usually filled with white people, your cover could be blown. However, since you will probably be in the inner city somewhere, it matters not. Thus, you can just tell your peers that you’re being promoted so they can get you out and that you “ain’t learnin’ no shit like Algebra!” However, they might not believe you. So, my suggestion is this. Tell me about the birds you flip in the hood and that you are only learning this shit to help you become a better dopeman. Algebra can be used to help you determine how much money you can make per brick, how many people need to be served, etc. It’s all used for making that money in the ‘hood. Counting rocks, baggies, and vials is much easier if you have the fundamentals of algebra down.

4) Chemistry

This is an extension of math. You are only in there to learn how to cut up that raw uncut. You are interested in new ways to get the most for your product. How to cut and mix the raw properly. It’s a stretch, but if you are convincing enough, nobody will test your gangsta.

5) Physics

This one is really a stretch. You are only here to determine how quickly people can move from point A to point B, with certain amount of weight on them, with certain amounts of time. We’re talking velocity, distance, mass. You are only here because you realize the job ahead of you is no easy task therefore you must factor in hills, gravity, etc. Like I said its a stretch, but if they learned anything in Physics, the other kids would know you are talking about “work” here. And I mean the actual physical definition of work…which is what you are putting in down in the ‘hood. They should be able to see the correlation and then feel like they are gangsta’s too.

[***Sidenote: For the past few years, I have taught or TA'd classes in the summer to rising college seniors in Statistics and Economics. Well, this past year, in one of my TA sessions I was giving an example to the class on supply and demand and I haphazardly mentioned the term "brick". Well, all the white students and a few of the black students questioned me as to what a brick was. I'm not proud of this, but I led them thru a 15 minute impromptu tutorial on drug slang and distribution practices. It was a sad moment in the history of black male teachers. I was amazed though at how fascinated they were, though I'm not sure if it was because they were trying to figure out how I knew what I knew (which I just blamed on rap) or because they were all druggies who were learning about their own hobbies. ***]

6) Music

Everybody wants to be a rapper nowadays, especially in the hood. Rappers need music. Pretend that you are trying to become a music producer for the rappers in the hood and you are interested in making that dope shit. This is one is very easy.

7) English

It’s hard to explain to people why you are so interested in gerunds and good grammar. Especially when you probably are acting like you can’t speak anyway. However, remind them of your impending rap status and that you just want to make sure that you are ahead of the game. This one is not going to work.

Shoot somebody.

History

This one is also easy. You see, learning dates and shit is fun for hood niggas. You can use those to tell the story of why your hood is the realest. You are only learning dates in school to compare and talk about how bitchmade American history is compared to your hood where niggas been at war since the Jordan Incident of 1988. Fuck a Battle at Bunker Hill, what they know about the Battle at JoJo’s House??? Nothing, that’s what.

9) Geography

You are only here to learn more about how to cover the terrains of the enemy. In fact, geography is all about the enemy. If you know the enemy’s land, you can overtake him. Tell your bum ass peers at school that if they aren’t careful you’ll get to learning their lands to take their cattle. Cattle? Yes cattle. If they ain’t careful, you gonna scout out their homestead, show up, and shoot that fat heiffer they call mom in their driveway.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

10) Life Skills

Fuck this class, niggas in the hood are lucky to make it to 21 anyway. Lucky you, you’ll get sent upstate at 18 anyway.

Upstate to college.

If you follow these steps you too can learn and get an education despite your hood-ness. It is in your grasp. And in case any of this bothers you, just make sure to have a gun on you at all times. That will let the niggas in the hood know you ain’t frontin, your peers at school know you ain’t frontin…

…and your new jail buddies know that you were hard. And there, you can read all the books you want.

Because, lo and behold, criminals can read.

Feed on comments to this Post