And I’m not talking about the football team either.

I’m an unapologetic, unashamed fan of the MTV show Laguna Beach. There is nothing like watching a bunch of rich white kids struggle through a life where money is not an issue. I watch it mostly for two reasons. First, I watch it because the show is just downright entertaining to me and to count the number of times that the word “like” is used per episode. For instance, many sentences uttered on the show sound like this: “Jess, like, I can’t like believe you still like, like, like, Jason, like, especially, like, you know what kind of playboy, like, he, like, is…like, like, like.” It is annoying at first, but the next thing you know, like, you’re using it just as much as they, like, are.

Secondly, I watch because this show is giving you a window into the lives of the kids who will one day be running the country. They’re already the kids of rich, like, well-connected parents. Who’s to say that these kids won’t be running for office one day or running the companies that provide the services that we need that are, like, in bed with politicians? It’s proof positive that being rich (being white helps) is all you need to make it, not common sense, personality, or book smarts. Rich, white, and attractive can take you anywhere you want to go in life.

Attractive also means being unfat by the way. There are no fat kids on cast at Laguna.

Oh, and thirdly, I love LC. A lot.

Kristin can kiss my ass.

WHO WANT IT?!?!?!!!!

One thing I noticed about my beloved cast members of Laguna Beach is that these little fuckers have a ridiculous amount of leeway and freedom to come and go as they please. I know there is, like, major editage going on in the show but the, like, parents only show up at major events, like graduation and fashion shows, and the rest of the times, the kids are just out running amuck, like, amongst themselves. I had lenient parents in high school, though it wasn’t by their choice sometimes. We just kept pushing the limits until they broke. But I’ll be damned if there are certain things that my parents just wouldn’t allow. We got to stay out late, but don’t be up in your bedroom with your girl/boyfriend with the door closed. That door must remain open at all times or you’d feel the wrath of Khan.

Not on Laguna Beach, on Laguna Beach these kids take their boy/girlfriends to other houses and do one thing…

…head straight for the hot tub.

These kids, unsupervised (and being as big as their houses are, there parents might not even know they’re home), are just hugging, kissing, touching, and I’m assuming fucking, all willy nilly in those hot tubs. And that’s just what we see. I usually just assume that the hot tub was the prelude to the actual carnal action and that MTV was just using that to help us see who was hooking up and for us to draw our own conclusions.

Hmmm…what exactly does hooking up mean? I was raised around black people so the term is kind of foreign to me. I just always assume it means sex but the way its used would imply that if sex was the definition, every young white person is a whore of magnanimous proportions. So what the shit does that really mean? Does that mean having sex or just making out? Is it a, like, combination of the two? Does it mean going spelunking? Does it mean watching “Hook”?? I really have no idea. Can a white person help me out here? Or a black person who went to a white school and hung with the white people…or a black person who thinks he’s white? I’ve always been highly confused on this matter.

Ahem.

With the amount of hottub action and one-on-one action going on during this show, I’ve come to the conclusion that these young girls are on the best birth control known to man. Apparently, they can afford the kind of expensive shit Magic used to, like, rid himself of HIV. Not one of the kids on this show has ended up pregnant (or fat) and with Jason around, there is a whole lot of assplay going on.

On this show, from what they show us, nobody’s even had a scare. Hell, we get a scare on the Real World damn near once a season. I got a scare yesterday, and I was just opening a can of Beefaroni. Of course, they aren’t showing us any drug usage either and I refuse to believe none of these kids are getting stoned on the regular. Shit, Jason can barely string together a complete sentence so I know he’s high half the time.

That’s besides the point. Do you realize how many pregnancies would be popping up (and despite common belief, teen pregnancy, though still a problem, is on the decline in nearly every racial/ethnic group), if all parents had NO idea what their, like, kids were doing? I’m including white, black, Hispanic, etc. here as well. On Laguna Beach, they frolick and fuck, freely, no fetus. Regular America, kids are gonna be popping out east and west. This is more proof that if you’re rich you can get that good shit, be it cocaine or Trojans or spinners. I hate them damn cheap ass spinners I see on taxi’s and Ford Escort’s. Why do people, like, buy those things? They look like plates. Spinning painted plates.

I’ve just found it to be, like, amazingly funny that none of the kids on the show have worried about being pregnant, had a conversation about what would happen if they got pregnant because it happened to somebody else, etc. This either means that they’re all abstaining from sex (fat chance…actually, this is Laguna Beach, slim chance) or they’ve been implanted with the no-teenage pregnancy chip that one of their parents invented.

Or that the kids are actually practicing safe sex here like nobody’s business. Trojans in Southern California (well the Laguna Beach area) must be selling at ridiculous rates. Which would damn near make these the most responsible kids on Earth. It’s high school. I can think of at least, like, 3 girls from my high school who got pregnant while I was there. I’m not saying that everybody’s house was a total bastion of parental supervision and values and shit, but I just ain’t sure folks had as much freetime with their parents in their house as these LB kids seem to have.

Whatever sex education they taught these kids who can just skip to the hot tub together and lay the hammer needs to be spread nationwide. Or maybe the rest of America just needs some editing so folks won’t realize that you got pregnant and had an abortion.

Or they just need to ship those condoms to every other area with a 100 percent foolproof guarantee.

Or maybe we just all need to be rich and white. And not fat.

P.S. I hate Jason and Stephen is a bitch and there are way too many Alex’s on this show and I can’t tell them apart.

***For those looking for entertainment this evening in the Washington, DC area, check out the link to the Blue Stockholm/Stockholm 76 event tonight at Mirror’s Nightclub on New York Avenue in NE, DC. ***