[*** There is a freestyle battle going on over at Wise Diva's spot. Much like the previous one held here, it's getting crazy over there. Go join in or just watch the festivities. ***]

You know, in life, trust is one of the hardest things to come by.

Some people are slow to offer up their trust, others trust blindly until you screw them. I tend to be in that latter group. Once lost, some people make you work to get their trust back, and others (like me) just say “fuck you and go die.”

Then there are also situations where no matter what, some people just refuse to trust individuals, things, occurences, etc.

The inability to trust can keep people into a shell forever afraid to venture out into the world or allow other people into their lives. The inability to trust can keep you from new life experiences and adventures. It can keep you from meeting the the people who could have the most profound effect on your life.

And it is with those thoughts in mind that I say…

…who the fuck cares?

There are just some things that cannot or should not be trusted under any circumstance. And I for one do not feel bad about it. Look kimosabe, I’m just as nice as the next person, but there are just certain observations you can make that can help you save yourself the trouble upfront of having to call the police and beat a muhfucka down two years from now. That’s where I come in.

For today, I give you…

Panama Jackson Presents…Can’t Truss It: Judging a Book By It’s Cover So I Don’t Have To Kill Somebody Later

[***DISCLAIMER: If by some snowballs chance in hell, I manage to say something that offends your Pope, your religion, your favorite food group, or your momma, well kiss my ass and go die. And on the off chance I offend you...yes you nigga, the fucker reading this right now, sorry, but kiss my ass. Stick a quarter in your ass cuz you played yaself. ***]

1. Black Men With No Bass In Their Voices Whatsoever

Look, my momma’s white, and anybody who’s heard me talk knows that I got a hefty voice. So if I’m largely persuasion, then any of you all-nigga menfolks need to have some bass in your voice. I’m offended when I meet a black dude, gay or straight, with no bass in his voice whatsoever. Nobody should feel like they’re talking to a flute when you speak. Besides, you’re fucking up the stereotype. Bassless voices do not put the fear of God into white people. It makes them feel comfortable. That’s how we lose our neighborhoods.

Niggas with no bass in their voices are Starbucks’ First Lieutenants!

2. People Who Intentionally Give You Left Hand Dap

I’ll never understand this for the life of me. In damn near every country, using your left hand as a sign of “respect” is shitted upon and might end in your death. It’s like not having a drink with a mobster or a white Russian. Hmm…that’s a pun. Anyway, in some places, if you even wave your left hand at a motherfucker, you just might lose your hand. This shit should honestly be in the Bible: Thou shalt not use thine left hand, unless the right hand is missing, totally encumbered, or holding Jesus’ hand, as a sign of welcome and respect. The right hand should be used under any and all circumstances. If you don’t, I can’t trust you.

Especially if you think it’s okay.

Hell, I might have to kill you in two weeks and I knew it ahead of time because of that left hand dap.

And speaking of dap…

3. Men Who Give Weak-Ass Feminine Hand Dap

What kind of shit is that? You ever met a dude who just gave you an ole limp hand dap or didn’t even finish the shit off? Like a black dude who forgot to lock the shit up at the end? Fuckin’ offends me. I always wonder where they come from or where they were raised. I know some folks who give pussydap. And it makes me feel dirty. I’ve intentionally tried to break this one dude’s hand because of that shit. Had me thinking to myself, “self, I don’t think you can trust this dude. He doesn’t even know how to properly greet a King…LOOK LOOK…he ain’t even close the deal!!! Limp handed bitch!” Real men lock that shit up doggy.

Can’t truss it.

4. Green Sauces

Look, I know that one is kind of offkilter and isn’t exaclty in line with normal thinking, but this is my site bitch. I just don’t trust green sauces. Avocado, guacamole, relish. Do you remember the Garbage Pail Kids? Me too. When the garbage can fell over, slimey green sauce that favorited guacamole came out. I’ve been ruined since I was 8. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like green sauces…if you try to give me green sauce, I’ll try to kill you with the force of a thousand men.

Or I’ll just ask for some ketchup or something. Something that resembles blood because that’s natural!

5. People Who Can’t Look Me Straight In The Eye

I know I might go to hell for this one, but oh well. One of the best ways to talk to somebody is to get them to look you dead in the eye and tell you the truth. If I have to set up a kaleidoscope, a periscope, and some lemon juice so we can do this, I can’t trust it. I might be willing to bend on this one though seeing as I just got my Credit Report from Heaven First Financial Bank Of Eternal Tranquility and my Halo Score is somewhere in the negative numbers.

6. Black Men Who Exclusively Date White Women Or Any Combo of People Who Exclusively Date Outside of Their Race AKA Wesley Snipes Niggas and Bitches

Because I don’t understand it, I can’t trust it. When faced with the buffet of beautiful women of your same race, I do not understand how a man can rebuke them all and determine they aren’t good enough. That man doesn’t like himself and probably has a bad case of Ajax. Or Avian Bird Flu. Or he’s a close associate of Willie Lump Lump. Fact is, I can’t them. They’re hiding something. I saw Imitation of Life, nigga. I saw Tiny Toons and I have seen fuckin’ Animaniacs. I know when something’s up!

7. Black Folks Who Wear Blue Contacts

Umm…you’re lying to yourself so you will lie to me. Hell, I’d be skeptical if they told me that 2+2=4. I’d want to know exactly how they came to that conclusion because I’d think there was a lie in there somewhere.

8. White People

I keed, I keed. My best friend is white! :))

That’s a lie too. Don’t trust me.

9. Cauliflower

This is true though. I do not trust white vegetables. There is something seriously wrong when there is only one white vegetable out there. How is it that only ONE veggie is white? There are a few green veggies, a few yellow, and a few orange. But just one white. The gig is up bitch. And I ain’t drinkin’ the kool-aid.

Hmm…

10. Black People Who Are Too Good For Kool-Aid

I vehemently believe that if you are too good for Kool-aid, you should just drop dead right now. By the power of Grayskull…die bitch.

11. Anybody Who Drinks Starbucks Coffee

MMhmm…I see y’all muhfuckas out there. Do you know Starbucks EMAILED ME?? No bullshit. Starbucks is the “man”. Period. Point Blank. Anybody who drinks Starbucks cannot be trusted under any circumstance! That includes them damn frozen Frappucino drinks. Take no prisoners and post no bills. Also, always wear shower shoes when you live in a dorm. That’s important information…for real.

12. Black People Who Don’t Like Black People

Does this even need an explanation?

13. Anybody who participates in or sponsors black-themed parties at White colleges that don’t include any Black People

Umm…fuck you and die. Seriously, if you are black, and go to a school where this happens, you might as well start rocking Black Panther shit because you can’t trust anybody there to have your best interest at heart. Change your name to Huey or Jawanza and just start shit on campus. They don’t care about you anyway and have already called you a nigga, so make them pay for it by raising hell.

Or transfer to a real school like Morehouse or Spelman. We still love you…for now.

14. Anybody Who Voted For Bush or Thinks He’s Doing a Bangup Job

So let me get this right…you honestly feel like Bush is doing a great job as President, despite all of the fuckedupness that has occurred. I’m even ready to blame him for shit that happened when he wasn’t living. Slavery…Bush’s fault. The Great Depression…Bush’s fault. Hitler…fucked up thinking…and Bush’s fault. This one hurts, because I have friends who actually think this. Let’s just say I don’t let them pick the movies we go see.

Hmm…

15. Anybody With a Consistently Shitty Record When It Comes to Picking Movies

Just trust me on this one.

16. Folks Who Tell You They’d Never Kick You While You’re Down…Right After You Watch Them Do It To Somebody Else

The dumb shit here is that folks will honestly mean it…right up until they do it to you. They’ll tell you that you aren’t like other people then WHAM! Steel-toed workboots all up in your ass.

17. Ugly People Who Are Mean

They’re going to hell anyway, it’s best to stay out of their way before they drag you down there with them.

Hmm…see also mean midgets.

18. Anybody Who Hates on Brandy Unnecessarily

If I tell you that I like Brandy, and the first think you say is that she’s ugly…I can’t trust you. Similarly, anybody who thinks Alicia Keys is the most talented female performer of the past 25 years. You are clearly biased and unable to think for yourself.

19. Niggas Who Police The Internet In Bitchmade Manners

A coward dies a million deaths, a soldier dies but one. That has nothing to do with anything, that line just popped in my head so I decided to share it. Thing is, any nigga who decides that they have the right to police another nigga’s site, needs to be put in check and cannot be trusted under any circumstance. Especially if…you know what, fuck it. They just need to be placed in gasoline showers with terpentine laced drawers and Oprah magazines.

I’ll just stop after this next one…

20. Anybody Who Hasn’t Seen The Five Heartbeats or The Color Purple

Those two movies should cover damn near everybody. If you haven’t seen them, you were raised around nothing but white people and don’t know that a black perm makes your hair straight. You also think Snoop is the best rapper ever.

Can’t truss it.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 15th, 2005 at 2:17 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.