I’m not the most religious person on Earth. Hell, I haven’t been to church uncoerced in years and the last time I read the Bible, I’d almost swear that in my version, every book somehow turned into Revelations…the bad parts. I don’t know if somebody was trying to tell me something or what. Lord knows I’ve already racked up plenty of hell points, so it’s not surprising.

Either way, despite my religiouslessness, from time to time, I still ponder the wonders of the unknown realm that is God and Jesus and Tupac and Kurt Cobain and Abraham (he had many sons, and many sons had father Abraham, I am one of them, and so are you…so we’re really all incestuously creating our own sons and daughters who are really our brothers and sisters and we wonder why our kids are getting dumber).

See? Hell points.

In my pontifications, I’ve often not questioned how to get into Heaven, but what exactly am I doing that would bar me from entering those Pearly Gates.

[***Sidenote: I'm going to take you deep on this one. So Heaven has Pearly Gates right? At least that's what gets advertised. Well, do you think St. Peter is also responsible for keeping them clean? Think about it, those Gates have supposedly remained Pearly for eons. My grandmother used to have a white pearl Cadillac. It lost some of its luster after like two years. Do you think they replace the Gates every few hundred years, or do they just have the top of the line Ajax or 409 that gets all the dirt and grime that might render the gates Mother of Pearl as opposed to Pearly? Just a question. ***]

Now I’ve already accepted in life that I’ve accumulated beaucoup Hell Points. I’m never afraid to take a joke “there” despite the fact that it might be unsensitive (or insensitive if you graduated from 4th grade), racist, sexxist, uncouth, or just downright anti-Christ-like. But I can admit that there are times that even I know when something has been taken too far. For instance, I was listening to Satan’s posterchild the other day, 50 Cent, and on his song, “Problem Child” he offers his take on the credit line he received from the Pearly Gate First Financial Bank of the Holy Trinity. Take a gander:

“they say you can never repay the price for taking a man’s life/I’m in debt with Christ cuz I done did that twice”

Now see, you just can’t make it into Heaven with lines like those. I’m sure that by the time 50 spat those lines, he was well beyond his ability to get in anyway, so what the hell, ya know?

So, despite straightforwardly rebuking God and his gang, what else might keep me out of Heaven? For instance, I’ve been known to be one of the most racially insensitive people I know and I’ll push buttons for the hell of it. Proudly even. I wonder, when I’m confronted by Big Pete Dog, will that keep me out?

God willing I’ll be around for long while longer, but let’s just say I had to face St. Peter and the ChoirBoys today.

Setting: Suburbs of Heaven, Trying to get into Gentrified Inner City Heaven-At the Gate

St. Peter: The Gates Record-Times calls up Panama Jackson for possible entry into the Pearly Gates. Let’s take a look at your rec…good God, did you really use the word nigga 4.5*10^Infinity times? Is this a typo? Hell, er, I mean, hutzpah, is that even possible?? Wait…son, tell me you didn’t really say that all ugly short people must be nice or they should be fed to Rosie O’Donnell or Oprah, whichever one isn’t dieting this week…HOLY SHI…I mean Santu Santu, umm…. Oh HELL NAW…you DID NOT SAY THAT OJ IS INNOCENT!!!!

Prayin’ Panama: But wait…see, I had a REALLY good stretch from 1991-1997 though. Can I get some credit for that. I mean I sang in the choir and even led the services. Petey Pete, I even went to meetings and I never dipped into the collection plate. And, I quit eating pork. That counts for something big, right??

St. Peter: Pork? That’s the other Heaven bucko.

Prayin’ Panama: Good, cuz I just had a pepperoni pizza yesterday.

St. Peter: Boy did you just lie to me?

Prayin’ Panama: No more than you guys about that whole sending Pat Robertson to do “God’s work”. Wait wait…can I take that back?? I want a do-over!

Somehow, I think my “interview” is going to go something like that. But you know what, that’s going to be nothing compared to what Ma$e goes through. I know it’s been discussed at length, but I am really baffled by Murda Mase’s decision making process. I almost believe he quit praying just in case God really does asnwer him back one day and sends a proverbial ass-whippin’ through words.

I cannot understand for the life of me, how you can leave the rap game because of its sinful nature (which I only assume got you seriously in the black with Heaven), start a church (which should put you definitely over the top), then ultimately backslide into your former role of callin women and pigeons ho’s, running with Satan’s Little Helper, cursing like a sailor, and STILL trying to claim that you are doing God’s work. I’m utterly dumbfounded. And it’s one thing to just be a member of a church. There’s more heathens in church then there are outside avoiding it.

Nobody’s perfect.

However, how can you lead a ministry when you are out there bragging on material gains, talking about committing crimes, fuckin’ cursing left and right, talking about women as objects, starting shit with other rappers, etc? I wonder if God just gave this nigga’s file to Lucifer with Eminem’s file already or is it in a cabinet marked “In Jeopardy” with Panama Jackson, Bob Johnson, and the owners of Starbucks.

I read an MTV interview where 50 Cent claims credit for bringing Mase back to the darkside. He told him that if he would just sacrifice now and make that G-Unit music, on his album he could bring some of those positive message and he would sell like crazy. I’ll admit, “Welcome Back” was the gayest album in history, but at least it fit the message of a nigga who’s given his life totally to God and is just trying to make feel good music. Yes it was bad, but so is 99% of all gospel rap…

…so he was in good company.

What Amerie’s me is that he actually fell for it. It’s like 50 pulled a serpent on his ass and Mase fell lock, stock, and barrel. Which is funny because NOW he sounds a lot better on the mic than he did on Welcome Back. Robert Johnson style. So he signed his soul to the devil, clearly.

I know I’ve done some fucked up things in my life, and I’ll probably do some more, but I’m already on track for hell. As soon as I decide (better yet, if) that I’m going Holy Roller on that ass, I’m staying. You won’t see me in DC, at Howard Homecoming with my man Frank White running up in something.

Mase is a living testament on how to keep yourself out of Heaven. To quote M-A-$-E, on a song from the “Get Rich Or Die Tryin’” Soundtrack,

“I got as many beefs as 50 and a nigga go to church/imagine if i was still puttin’ in work…i don’t know”

Me neither, Mase…but I know one thing, you ain’t getting into those Pearly Gates.

Nope.

You’re going to Hell.

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