*cueing up tournament theme song Willie Hutch’s “I Choose You”*

Welcome back to day 2 of the Elite 8 here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises. Apparently, Jay and Nas have reconciled, but that hasn’t stopped Kenya Moore from whipping Stacey Dash’s ass like she stole her lollipop, man, and conflict diamond. Call your homies, lovers, and friends and tell them to come vote in today’s Tamara Dobson Bracket (as well as in Friday’s Jayne Kennedy bracket), and then head over to the a.n.d.y.’s site to vote for both the Pam Grier and Vanity brackets. You all have until Thursday to vote and then it’s the…

*drumroll*

FINAL FOUR, BITCHES!!!!

And one step closer to crowning our Queen…who we will have bequeathed through the Democratic process. We have made our forefathers proud.

We, the people, my people, black, white, brown, yellow, purple, blurple, mocha, fuscia (you get the picture), it’s not a game…it’s a tournament!

Seeing as this tournament is exploitation at its finest (which has been pointed out to me on IM, through email, and through one very disgruntled phone call from somebody I don’t know who happened to pull my number off of the We The Voices website…hmm…methinks I shouldn’t have just said that my number is available on the We The Voices website…in fact, un-read what you just read), I’ve decided to finally give the tournament some theme music. Seriously, what exploitative practice doesn’t have theme music? In honor of one of the best movies to come out of the blaxploitation era (even though I don’t necessarily feel like this movie is blaxploitation), I’ve put “The Mack” soundtrack up on the radio blog for all to partake (and as usual, for some reason it has the songs in reverse order, so “Vampin’” is the first song and “Brotha’s Gonna Work It Out” is the last song on the soundtrack).

Public Service Announcement: The Mack, the movie that brought Max Julien to the forefront of black cinema…and left his ass there in 1973, is one of the pre-eminent movies of the 1970’s. The fact that it’s downright horribly comedic and does indeed have a message should not blur one from realizing that some of the most common themes and sayings of todays pimpin’ culture come from this very movie. In fact, the now infamous line, “don’t be mad…yo’ bitch chose me”, comes from this movie. The next time you are out perusing the shady side of town and see a pimp lose one of his hoes, listen carefully, as the victorious pimp will undoubtedly utter that line. You will be able to find solace in the fact that though there is prostitution going on, and the young ho is probably no older than 15, that you share a connection with the pimp because you both have seen…The Mack. Thank you.

The theme song for the tournament (about 3 weeks too late) is also featured on the radio blog courtesy of The Mack soundtrack. It is “I Choose You.” Listen and vote to the luscious sounds of pimpin’ gone wild.

On Friday, I created small poems to showcase my thoughts on the particular women. Well, today, to be a little bit more creative, and seeing as how my computer is sitting right in the middle of my “office” and I have my CD’s stacked all around me, I’m going to grab a few CD’s and write up the ladies using titles of the songs from whatever CD’s I pick up. This will either be ridiculously fun or totally stupid. I’m guessing the latter, but we will see.

With that said, let us get our minds and hearts ready for…are you ready?…I don’t think you are…if you aren’t it’s okay…just tell me that you aren’t…okay, I’m just funnin’ you…no really, I am…aww fiddlesticks…now is time for the…

Tamara Dobson Bracket

With yo’ fine ass that whipped some ass, Tamara Dobson, we salute you for your endeavors to make sure that black women got a chance to act everywhere. You don’t get the credit but Halle Berry wouldn’t have won the Oscar if women like you didn’t pave the way…or not. Either way, you are appreciated like Afeni Shakur.

(1) Halle Berry (waxed Zoe Saldana’s ass 32-9) vs. (2) Claudette Ortiz (won by the hair on her chinny chin chinn over Tyra Banks, 22-19)

Halle Berry

CD I PIcked UP: Ice Cube Amerikkka’s Most Wanted (oh hell…)
Song titles or versions of songs titles are italicized

America’s Most Halle

Halle Halle Halle…you are the nigga they love to hate. Some people think you’d be better off dead, but you are still this gangsta’s fairytale (I’m the gangsta by the way). They say it’s a man’s world, but we all know that once upon a time in the projects, where there were drive-by’s, that you were the bomb. Fact is, they just can’t fade you Halle…they just can’t. Sometimes, I know you’re out, and dude’s be sweating you and you want to say to them, “tell yo bitch to come here” and then tell her to “get off your dick.” And I for one think that you should. Shit, they want to know, who’s the mack?? You are Halle…you are. In fact, to all them other muhfuckas that think they can hold you…I just got one question, what they hittin’ foe? Cuz we all know, YOU…Halle Berry…

…are America’s Most Wanted!

Claudette Ortiz

CD I Picked Up: Kriss Kro…er, um…Janet Jackson Control
Song titles or versions of songs titles are italicized

Control Claudette…Control

My dearest Claudette Ortiz, when I think of you…I just get nasty thoughts. Honestly girl, you can be mine. No questions asked. Just let me know. I know a lot of people might say, “Claudette, what you done for me lately?” True, you really haven’t done shit since City High, and the jury’s still out on whether or not that was a good look or not. However, seeing your ass and nice caramel complexion, well, you you can run my high school and be my pleasure Principle any day. And yes, I know I used that wrong, but damn…that’s just what you do to me. And I ain’t all about that, let’s wait awhile nonsense, I want to just flip you over a Chevrolet now! Look, your baby daddy, he doesn’t know I’m a live…and that’s cool cuz I know you don’t really love me. But it’s funny how time flies when I spend time thinking of you and I just thought you should know, you got me losing control. Claudette…mami…I love you.

Panama’s Pick: Halle Berry
Panama’s Prediction: Halle Berry
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Claudette Ortiz
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Halle Berry

And as a special tribute, and no, it’s not another snow bunny, today’s tribute goes out to the one and only…

…Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. Man I love her.

A Whole New World

Princess Jasmine, girl, you could get it in about 8 different countries and the Middle East. I remember the first time I saw Aladdin, I was just mesmerized by those big ole eyes and how much you could see through the screen how bad I just wanted to take an eraser to them clothes. You are the only animated woman who ever truly had me wanting to get myself put into a comic book just so I could spend a little bit more time with you. The reality is that you and I could never be together. Our world’s are so different, with yours confined to only two axes (x and y) while I’m allowed the z-axis. Yes, you have, by definition, the flattest ass of any woman alive, but you still have that special something. Princess Jasmine…you made me experience a whole new world.

****

Thus ends the Elite 8. Make sure you vote her and then head over to the a.n.d.y.’s site at The Royal Youngs to vote in the Vanity bracket. Friday begins the Final Four and then comes the ultimate Championship where we crown or 2005 Queen to be.

Vote or Die!!!

Welcome to day…day umm…hell, day something of October Madness 2005. We’d like to thank you all for returning back to Exploitation Central AKA Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises for what has become the breakthrough tournament of 2005. Those two super smooth sly brothers, Panama Jackson, and the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs are here once again to bring you the Elite 8 round of the tournament.

No really, thanks for voting!! Any hell points you have stacked against you have just been reduced by 10…I’ll take them since I have about a gazillion and just had my name-plate engraved in Hades 9th Hell.

As you know, we started out with 32 sexxalicious women who were primed up, oiled down, and ready to put their all on the line to compete for baddest brown-skinned (or melanin-packin’) beauty of 2005. Through scientific means, we managed to make a list, check it twice, and find out who had been naughty!!

Beeeeeeehave!!!

But as with any tournament, there are losers and winners and so far we’ve eliminated 24 women from contention, leaving us the 8 women that YOU America…let me just say that again to stress the fact that I’m speaking of those people who are reading and have voted, as opposed to say, those who aren’t reading who couldn’t vote anyway since they aren’t reading which means they can’t vote as opposed to folks in Florida…you know what…I’ve totally lost my point, back to the tourney…yes YOU America…have democratically chosen to move forward and compete for the long coveted Baddest Brown Skinned Beauty of 2005 Award.

There really is no prize.

I would like to make a quick statement, if I could. Can I?

*taps microphone*

Here ye here ye…we, the people, will give you liberty, or give you death. For we have not yet begun to fight, hell, we will not fire until we see the whites of their eyes. It is up, up on the down stroke and funkentelechy. If you feel like getting moody junior, well…I can’t help it, if I wanted too.

Thank you.

*crazy applause and love being adorned on the sexxy one*

And yes, that might have been the second dumbest shit I’ve written on this site.

Call me now!!!!

Make sure you head over to the a.n.d.y.’s page to vote in the Pam Grier Bracket.

For this round, I’ve decided to do short poems for the lovely ladies who’ve made it thus far. Women like poetry from what I hear…hell, how else would Nia Long beat Beyonce? Love Jones…that’s how.

Without further ado, let us get into the…

OCTOBER MADNESS 2005: ELITE 8 MOTHATRUCKAS

Jayne Kennedy Bracket

Jayne Kennedy…we salute you. I don’t even have anything else to say except…Good Laaaaaaaaaaaawd!

(1) Kenya Moore (whipped Christina Milian’s ASS, 32-7) vs (2) Stacey Dash (spankededed Maia Campbell’s TAIL, 29-10)

Ode to Kenya Moore

Kenya Moore what can I say
I’d bounce that ass every kind of which a way
you look so fine without them clothes
I’ll take you over all of Luda’s area codes

You make me smile you so fine and nubile
Up on the pole and slide girl slide
Boom boom room and vroom vroom vroom
Kenya Moore beep beep, toot toot

Limerick in the Key of Stacey Dash

There once was a woman named Stacey Dash
Kanye’s video showed us all that juggly ass
Her beauty was timeless
She’s always damn smiling
I’d sop her up with a biscuit quick fast

She’s so fine there really ain’t much competition
Hell I think she put me on that voodoo made me superstitious
I’d lick her toes in a puddle
Drink her bath water with bubbles
Have her legs sticking out of a Ford Expedition

Panama’s Pick: Stacey Dash (this was a hard ass choice…but I just love Stacey)
Panama’s Prediction: Kenya Moore
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Stacey Dash
a.n.d.y.’s Predition: Stacey Dash

***SPECIAL REPORT***

[***DISCLAIMER: Due to the overly sexxed nature of the Men's brackets AKA The Gat Dayum! Tournament going on courtesy of Xquizzyt1 and Wise Diva (via Kendall Meeks), myself and the a.n.d.y. have decided to do tributes to snow bunnies we love! What's the connection you ask?? I had to read those damn descriptions...shit had me feeling all dirty. We reciprocate. ***]

Tribute to Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer, oh Jennifer, how do I love thee?? Girl, I’d smack a piece of toast with a pair of underoos and some flipflops made of toothpicks and acetate. Shiiiiiiiit, I’d take a piece of 3×5 plywood and slide down some berylium and Crystal Light while watching Desparate Housewives and eating Jim Bean pork sausages. That’s how much I love her. I’ll be your Oreo! Fuck Brad Pitt…

Jennifer Aniston…we salute you!

***

Vote or Die people and then make sure you head over to the Pam Grier bracket being hosted by the a.n.d.y. Our very existence on this little ball we call Earth could very well depend on this. Or not…but go vote anyway!

Sadatay bitches!

***

And for those folks interested, I have an editorial up on Allhiphop.com right now entitled, “Reading, ‘Riting, and Rap.” Don’t let the picture and reference to Tony Yayo scare the living shit out of you and make you think its garbage. It’s a little less hyperbolic (that’s a college word) than what I usually do, but sometimes you got to feign (college word again!) professionalism.

[***Administrative Notes: 1) Remember to go vote (scroll down) in the October Madness 2005 Tournament going on right now at both Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and at the site of the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs. We're at the Sweet Sixteen and one step closer to crowning the baddest brown skinned beauty. 2) Go check out Atlanta Urban Mix as I have a guest editorial up on the so-called "expiration" of the right for African-Americans to vote in 2007. Pure poppycock. Either way, check it out here: Voter Since 1870 ***]

If there’s one thing in life that every man should know in regards to keeping your money it’s this:

Never, ever, under any circumstances REALLY piss off your baby’s mama. This is what we refer to in the hiphop community, urban centers, and Usher concerts as…not a good look.

In my mind, that must be what happened to one Young Jeezy (born Jay Jenkins), whose baby mama, Nicole Dykes, is taking his ass to court in attempts to get child support payments for her 9-year old son, Really Young Jeezy, increased from $178 to roughly $20,000.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Wait just a damn minute…$178??? Are we to believe the self-proclaimed Snowman, who seems to be doing really well and whose album is now certified platinum, is really that bad of a person to only be providing $178 a month to his offspring??

No. Of course not. I’d be willing to put money, and I’d rather it be Jeezy’s money, on the fact that his kid isn’t starving or living in the most paltry of conditions. I have no proof, but I’m sure he slides his baby mama some money on the side as well. Why on the side you ask??

Well, let us think about this. He doesn’t call himself the Snowman because he’s a meteorologist who accurately predicts snowfalls 99.5% of the time; or because he likes to stand in people’s front yards dressed in white. Take it a step further, he’s from Georgia and shuttles between Macon and Atlanta as his homesteads. Georgia is a southern state…we don’t like snow in the south. It fucks up EVERYTHING in the Dirty Dirty. But luckily, it rarely snows…and I mean rarely. So, that means he can’t really be referring to the actual powdery goodness that brings kids of all ages outside to play…can he?

Actually, yes…it’s just that this powdery goodness is illegal and keeps the Alphabet Boys doing stakeouts and home raids and has many differing street nomenclatures. Of course, I have no verification for this, but I know what snow means in my neighborhood, you do the math.

That’s riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Along with the potential for “illegal activities”, the T.R.A.P.S.T.R. (they like him, they like him) probably does what any well to do street pharmacist does, put everything in somebody else’s name.

“In court depositions, Jenkins denied owing a mansion or a house, a car or jewelry, but Dykes‚Äô lawyers singled out his diamond incrusted ’snowman’ pendant, as well as the platinum success of his debut album and the success of BNDH‚Äôs self-titled debut album, which spawned the radio hit ‘Dem Boyz.’ “ -Allhiphop.com article

Well, duuuuuuuh.

He hasn’t been rapping long enough to move everything into his own name and claim that he actually procured them through legal means. All of this is making sense to me at this point. This is just all apart of the game.

And what usually happens is that as long as you keep your baby mama happy by taking care of your kid and hooking her up every now and then, you both can live a blissful happy life.

Until…

…you piss her off. And pissing her off can come in many different flavors, complete with not giving her what she needs, or what she thinks she needs for the child. And let’s be real, she does not need $20,000 a month to take care of her child. I’ve lived in Atlanta. It’s a cheap ass city relative to say New York or D.C. She does, however, need $20,000 a month to show you how pissed off she is. Shit, do you know how much cut up I could get for $20,000???

When was the last time you heard the term cut-up?? No, really…

Even worse than pissing off your baby mama, is the fact that you are pissing of your baby mama and the majority of your money up to a certain point is apparently coming from “illegal” gains. You know who that brings into the equation?? The Feds. The people that do investigations into illicit activities and the like. So you pissed off your baby mama, and NOW, she’s trying to get your finances put on front street.

Damn, what part of the game is that??

Further, you have to comply. Sure you don’t “own” any of the properties you reside in or cars you drive. But somebody does, and if they start digging into records and find out that your mother, who works at Mrs. Winner’s, owns a $600,000 house, somebody’s going to start asking questions. And to further complicate shit, you are now an employee of Def Jam, a certified platinum artist, which means that despite the fact that you probably owe the label money, you have some money. AND…he owns a record lable, Corporate Thugz Entertainment for which he released his mixtape that landed him at Def Jam in the first place. There’s money floating around him and it’s coming from somewhere…and the truth is gonna set somebody’s ass free.

And all that could have been well and good and fine and lovely and TCB and Soul Glo.

But he probably went and pissed of his baby mama so now she’s taking his ass to court and requesting a ridiculous amount of money. The fucked up part is that he’s really attempting to claim that the $178 a month is what he should be liable for. Young Jeezy AKA The Trapper of the Year, my mellow my man, you just might be fucked up in the game, doggy.

You just can’t make loads of money illegally and piss off your baby mama. You just can’t. She hold’s the ultimate trump card…she has your kid!! And the second you piss her off, she can get your ass caught up and fucked in the game.

Of course, this might all be moot and maybe Young Jeezy really doesn’t have a penny to his name and I’m just blowing smoke. That’s kind of a pun considering the nature of this situation. Maybe all of the big money talk he’s doing on his album is just lies like so many other rappers claiming to be living well but really working at a parking garage or some shit, but I seriously doubt it. I tend to believe Young Jeezy has made a come up of sorts in life and whatever way he did it, more power to him.

You have to remember the cardinal rule though, do not, under any circumstances, piss off your baby mama. She has the courts on her side, unless she’s a crackhead.

In the end, his baby mama is gonna make the dopeboy go crazy, all because he probably pissed her off.

Peep the Article on Allhiphop.com

Ra Ra Ra…Sis Boom Bah!!

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to day two of the Sweet Sixteen brought to you by the two baddest mofo’s lowdown around this town, the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs and myself, the most sexxy Panama Muhf****n’ of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises . Yes, we are narrowing the field down. Yes, we are shiny happy people holding hands (not me and the a.n.d.y., I meant that in the rhetorical, general, R.E.M. sense of the sentiment). Yes, I’m still the sexxiest mofo. Hell, all you gotta do is say yes.

What is the question?

I don’t know.

But that doesn’t stop the party from continuing on. On Friday, you all came and voted for the Jayne Kennedy bracket, and I’ll be back later to give an update on how that’s shaping up. So today, we have the Tamara Dobson bracket. Two things of note here:

1) I’m going to be using the same pictures I had before. Apparently quite a few of the pictures that I’ve been attempting to use have set off the sensors at work. Now, nobody’s said anything to me…but if I get one more hit on some site that pops up with, “Unable to access page due to Tasteless content.” Or “Sex”, well, let’s just say, JGT Enterprises may be no more since I won’t be able to keep working, which means I won’t be able to pay my bills, which means my electricity shuts down, which means I get evicted, which means I have no means for keeping up JGT. Let’s just say, I’ll try to add some new pictures tonight from home.

2) This past weekend was my alma mater’s homecoming. I am sleep deprived right now. That has caused minor delirium. I don’t even know what I’m typing right now. Hell, I’m not even sure where I’m at. You probably think I’m at work right now, but I’m (possibly) in the backseat of your truck with duct taped stretched out. What was the point of this paragraph? It didn’t have one, but every one needs a two and I might say more random shit than normal.

Pointlessness, another side effect of hunger. I need a Snickers.

SO…

To the brackets, and make sure you hit up the a.n.d.y.’s site to vote today in the Vanity bracket. Voting will continue through Thursday so we can get our Elite Eight, then the Final Four, then the champ. If we were to keep dividing though, we could keep going to infinity. Just as with day one, I surveyed the hood to get some input from the locals…and since I was in Atlanta this weekend…

[***DISCLAIMER: To everybody in Atlanta whose number I have and I didn't call...well, I apologize. Blame it on attempts to get drunk, and failed attempts to be pissy drunk. And the fact that I apparently am unable to drink properly (and I don't mean liquor, I mean actually drink) as I almost killed myself off of a shot of Patron. Let me just say, when that shit goes down the wrong pipe...well, I thought I was going to die. Good times!!! ***]

…I got some input from some locals in Atlanta.

You can find me in the A…A…A…A…A…A…A…A!

And fuck The Landmark Diner in Buckhead for having shitty food at Red Lobster Prices…at 4am.

Tamara Dobson Bracket

Tamara Dobson AKA Cleopatra Jones…you are fine. Period. Point blank. You whip ass. We love you!

(1) Halle Berry (def. Sanaa Lathan, 25-23) vs. (3) Zoe Saldana (def. Ciara, 28-20)

Streets Are Talking About Halle Berry:

“Shawty loo’ good an’ shit. Ay folk, I’m tellin’ ya, ain’t nobody gonna fu’ wit her.” - My cousin Marcus, 24, SWATS

“It’s Halle Berry.” - Luscious Jenkins, 48, Simpson Road

“love Sanaa but Halle’s just Halle”- Monk (from the comments section)

“Halle-cuz she’s Halle and plays a crackwhore pretty well” -Carmen (from the comments section…I think she said what all of us were really feeling on the inside)

Streets Are Talking About Zoe Saldana:

“Hmmm…she’s black?” - Laticia, 20, Spelman College Junior, from Lithia Springs, GA

“You know, when I saw her in Drumline, she made a fan out of me. In fact, I’ll be her baby daddy, sugar daddy, daddy-long-legs, mac daddy, daddy mac, and pop daddy…hey, you think that’s overkill??” - Dorian, 23, Morehouse College alumni from Bedford, OH

“That girl look like a side of good God, with a piece ooooh lawd sprinkled on some hurt me good. I’m hungry, let’s go to The Beautiful. “ - Dennis, 27, Morehouse Alumni, from East Point, GA

Panama’s Pick: Halle Berry
Panama’s Prediction: Zoe Saldana (I think some folks would rather not see Halle win…but that’s just me)

(4) Tyra Banks (def. Meagan Goode, 31-17) vs. (2) Claudette Ortiz (def. Gabrielle Union, 26-22)

Streets Are Talking About Tyra Banks:

“Even with all that forehead, she’s still the finest alien in the streets.” - James, from my old apartment complex off of MLK, Westside Atlanta

“That’s one of the goodest looking women I’ve ever seen. Naw, she’s not the goodest, she’s the best!” - some ignant negro…who graduated with me from Morehouse

“You know, I just like how good she takes pictures. Skin looking all bronzed and sleek. Hell, I got a subscription to Victoria’s Secret because of her.” - Carl, 36, some cat I saw at JJ’s Rib Shack

Streets Are Talking About Claudette Ortiz:

“That girl so fine, I’d mop her up with some Ajax, and smile like I got brand new dentures after riding a roller coaster at Cedar Point.” - Leslie, somehow I think I got his quote wrong…I don’t know, College Park, GA

“Skinny little thang…add a little BBQ sauce and she’s good to go.” -my cousin Roy, 28, West Atlanta’s Bankhead Courts

“Man…you see that Cadillac rollin’ on 23’s??” - my cousin Roy’s brother Chris (not my cousin), 24, Bankhead Courts

Panama’s Pick: Claudette Ortiz
Panama’s Prediction: Tyra Banks

****

There you have what the streets are saying about the ladies of the lovely Tamara Dobson bracket. Make sure you vote…or die, and head over to the a.n.d.y.’s page to get your Vanity on. It’s almost time for the Championship!!!

Brown paper packages, tied up with string…these are a few of my favorite things!

No, that had nothing to do with anything. I just felt like sharing the end to one of the best showtunes ever. And if you are still puzzled and don’t know that its from The Sound of Music, well, consider yourself…

…READY FOR THE SWEET SIXTEEN!!!!

*loud screams and yells…again*

Welcome back to October Madness 2005, the tournament that brings you the best in exploitation and misogynistic behavior, courtesy of those smooth debonair brotha’s from the Mid-Atlantic, the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs, and myself, The Most Muhf****n’, Panama Jackson, of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises.

We’re household names.

*blank stares*

Indulge me. Shit.

Anyway, the votes have been cast and the die has been rolled and we’ve eliminated 16 of our buxom baddest brown-skinned (or at least melanin-packing) beauties. It was sad to see some of them go, but alas, like the “Play ‘em or Spray ‘em” skit on Lil’ Half Dead’s album (no, you don’t know who he is), The Dead Has Arisen…

…gotta go gotta go.

We’re down to 16, count ‘em 1-6, women who are competing for the championship and the title of Baddest Brown Skinned Beauty. There were some close races, some surprisingly close races, but democracy has once again prevailed and the people have spoken. But, we’re not done talking, for there is more work to be done.

Are you ready to rock??? I saaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiid…ARE YOU READY TO ROCK???!!

For Round 1, we oh so cleverly (or not depending on your Moon sign) decided to do short writeups of each individual beauty. Well, for the Sweet Sixteen, we (moreso I, since apparently people were writing novels in the a.n.d.y.’s comments) decided to hit the streets to get some quotes from the general public on each lady. Yes, Panama, Mr. I Can Make You Famous (that’s me), went with a “Word On The Street” motif.

So…

You know the rules, you know what to do. Today, I’m bringing you the first 4 ladies who have made it out of Round 1. I’m bringing you back to the:

Jayne Kennedy Bracket

Since I didn’t do this before, Jayne Kennedy was the first black Miss Ohio back in 1970 and was also the first black woman to grace the cover of Playboy in 1981. I don’t care what anybody says, that’s big. She’s also had bit parts in many movies, but her most notable accomplishment? Basically being able to be the chick that folks refer to when they mention beauty and everybody just understands, as evidenced by Mos Def on “Ms. Fat Booty”, when he states, “yo she look like Jayne Kennedy son, she was that ill.”

Jayne Kennedy, we salute you…and your genetics!

(1) Kenya Moore (def. Kerry Washington, 27-20) vs. (3) Christina Milian (def. Res, 25-22)

Streets Are Talking about Kenya Moore:

*I can’t get any more pictures at work without setting off the “sex”, “tasteless”, etc. filters. I’m amazed I got this one!*

“Man…I’d jumpstart a Kangaroo with those legs! Shiiit, give me 2 minutes and a banana, I’ll make her sing Xscape songs. Shiiiit.” - Willie Earl Jones, 32, Southeast Washington, DC

“She hella crute. I mean she ain’t got nuffin’ on my guuurl Estha, but you know she do her thang. Did you had seent her in Troyse [she meant Trois, it threw me off too], yeah she was lookin’ good.” - Ashenkashay Vanderbilt, 18, Uptown, NE, DC

“This type of misogyny is exactly what’s wro…” -tape ran out on some nigga on Howard University’s campus, I think his name was Jerome

Streets Are Talking About Christina Milian:

“Dip it low, pick it up slow, move it all around. I like that song.” -Jacinta, 15, Dunbar (DC) High School sophomore

“Young’n, she bad as shit, mo. I’d crack dat azz while listenin’ to some R.E.” -Lil J, 18, Dunbar (DC) High School sophomore

“She’s so fine, there’s not telling where the money went…simply irresistable!!” -Art Farris, 47, electrical engineer, waiting at bus stop, outside of Dunbar (DC) High School

Panama’s Pick: Christina Milian (I’m biased like hell…I love her)
Panama’s Prediction: Kenya Moore

(2) Stacey Dash (def. Tatyana Ali, asswhuppin’ 37-10) vs. (4) Maia Campbell (def. Alicia Keys, spanking 30-16)

Streets Are Talking About Stacey Dash:

“Yo, son, for real, like for real for real, know what I’m sayin’” - James, 23, 1st Street, NW, Ward 5 Bitch (he asked me to put all that)

“She’s a flawless woman who’s managed to maintain her youthful exuberance and playful demeanor through the years. A lovely choice, I hope she does well. She’s got the prettiest smile!” - some Spelman College transplant at Georgetown Law…forgot to get her name and vitals

“Yeah, I really like her. Man, you see the Kanye video?? The dress…the line on her dress bobbing up and down? She got a phatty doggy. She’s still bad. She’s like, like, cold water on a hot day! Can’t nobody touch her. I’m a poet, buy my…” - Laurence, 21, Howard University junior…I don’t care that he’s a poet

Streets Are Talking About Maia Campbell:

“Yo, back in the day, she was the baddest. How the hell her old school as make your list??” - next door neighbor Juco. I have no idea what Juco means.

“Who?” - Lonnie, 14, Dunbar (DC) High School, freshman

“She might be the baddest under the radar over the radar chick you got. She is still bangin’ son. I be watching “In The House” just for her. Now that you mention it, I’d hit off Debbie Allen too.” - Eric, 27, Georgetown Law

Panama’s Pick: Stacey Dash (it’s Stacey Dash for goodness sake)
Panama’s Prediction: Stacey Dash

*****

Well you see what the streets are saying. Time to do your thug thizzle and let the good times roll. And by that I mean vote. Coming up Monday, the Tamara Dobson bracket.

October Madness…it’s like Christmas, only without the gifts, Jesus, and non-judgementalism.

[P.S. Ignore the layout change, JGT is going through an upgrade ~mgmnt]

[***Updated results at bottom of page as of 1250pm, Wednesday.***]

Welcome to analysis of days 1 and 2 of October Madness, being brought to you by the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs, and Panama Jackson of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises. Before we get into a bracket by bracket analysis, if you haven’t already done so, please vote.

I’ve invited a special guest to JGT Headquarters today. Today’s guest is not only a scholar, he’s a renowned thinker and philosopher. He’s been asked to come through and give us his opinions on both the brackets and the way the voting has shaped up thus far. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Dr. Hida Mann, Ph.D., OPP, MPP, OB-GYN, NAACP, ASPCA, YMCA, UNLV, MD, and last but not least, ATL.

Without further ado, let’s get into the analysis.

Panama Jackson: Welcome Dr. Mann.

Dr. Mann: Thanks Panama. I appreciate being asked to come here and analyze the total traveshamockery I’ve witnessed in days 1 and 2 of the bracket.

PJ: If you could call me Mr. Jackson, that would be great.

Dr. Mann: Sorry Mr. Jackson. I am for real.

PJ: Sure thing doc. So, I see you just want to jump right in. So, before we get into individual contests, what is your impression overall of the tournament? A lot of women think that it’s misogynistic and quite exploitative. Just hearsay, but it’s been echoed a time or two.

Dr. Mann: I can see that point of view. However, I don’t quite give a shit. Exploitation is the oldest profession, right up there with prostitution and voyeurism. Face it, Adam was scoping Eve. I would however recommend that women create a similar bracket, though it might be the biggest sham ever. Let me fuel the fire by saying that a woman’s tourney would be the most exciting but potentially least realistic competition ever. Biases will abound rendering somebody like Barack Obama, hardly a paragon of modelistic attraction, a Final Four contender. And that just makes no sense. It has evidenced itself in this women’s tournament.

PJ: So you’re saying Barack Obama isn’t a “dime”?

Dr. Mann: Hell no. Not objectively. If you look at his background and charisma and what he’s done for reformed crackheads everywhere, well then, yes, maybe. But what does that have to do with attractive? Nothing, that’s what.

PJ: Good point. Well let’s get into this evidence you speak of represented in this tourney so far. Give me an example.

Dr. Mann: My pleasure. Let’s start with the upset special brewing in the Tamara Dobson bracket. Quickly, I noticed that you didn’t state that Tamara Dobson was Cleopatra Jones, you should have done that. About the upset special, Halle Berry versus Sanaa Lathan. For the life of me I don’t understand how any rational person can objectively say that Sanna is more, what do the young kids say…”bangin’”, than Halle Berry. Sanaa is attractive, clearly, but Halle Berry is Halle Berry. She could have had a bracket named after her and it would have been without dispute. In my educated opinion, she’s a clear champion contender, but she’s in danger of losing in the first round. This is the same reason somebody like Beyonce might not make it to the Final Four, bias.

PJ: Interesting…please, continue.

Dr. Mann: You see, apparently overexposure and the like might knock the both of them clear out of contention because people have been given years to come up with a reason to, justifiably or not, have beef with them. It’s possible for people to overlook their genetics and make beauty determinations based on their perceptions of who these people are. However, this is why somebody like Esther Baxter, who is fine as May wine, could have an easy walk to the finals. Nobody really hates her because she doesn’t get accolades from major media outlets for being gorgeous. For now, she’s a video hoe with video hoe exposure, urban markets.

PJ: I got you, so you think that Esther Baxter is going to take the whole thing?

Dr. Mann: I do. And let me speak on something else here. Ashanti got totally murdered by Esther in Round 1. Not that it doesn’t make sense, but I’m willing to bet that at least 60 percent of that vote for Esther was solely because it was Ashanti. I think she’d lose to a bucket of Mop ‘N Glo.

PJ: You think the hate is that strong?

Dr. Mann: Hell yes. People hate this girl for her very being. I blame Ja Rule and Murder, Inc. for becoming bubblegum and her being folded into the lameness with the fake tough guys. “Clap Back”? Really Ja Rule?? Lame ass. Ashanti can’t sing, but neither can Janet Jackson. Nobody hates on Janet for her voice and Ashanti writes her own songs. Granted, she’s nowhere near as gorgeous as Janet, but the disdain people have for Ashanti makes little sense. You’d think she had SARS or something and if you listen to her album you might catch it.

PJ: I got you. So, let’s get into the brackets. Let’s start with the Jayne Kennedy bracket. What do you think so far?

Dr. Mann: Well, thus far there are no real surprises. Even Kerry Washington versus Kenya Moore isn’t surprising. Kerry is a beautiful young girl and if you saw her in She Hate Me, it’s understandable that she’d be making a charge here. Kenya Moore is gorgeous, granted, but I’ll take Kerry Washington too. Hard choice, especially if you take into account the absolutely shitty acting jobs Kenya has been a party too. I know we’re not supposed to include those, but damn, did you see Trois???

PJ: Yeah, I saw Trois. And thanks for bringing back that painful memory, fucker. As far as Kerry Washingon, I like her too. She could get it.

Dr. Mann: Got that right. The only other thing of note is the Christina Milian versus Res contest. I’m slightly amazed that so many people would take Res over Christina Milian. I’ll take that a step further, I’m amazed so many people know who Res is. Then again, everybody here is somebody who reads and she gained quite a lot of steam from the reading black circuit a few years ago. But wow, I’m just a little surprised that Res might take Christina Milian out. I know Be Cool was bad, but damn. I saw her making it maybe to the Elite Eight.

PJ: So who do you think will make it out of this bracket?

Dr. Mann: My money’s on Kenya to take the whole thing, unless Kerry takes her out, in which case my money is on Stacey “My age is too old to hot box with God” Dash.

PJ: Wow, I don’t think Stacey’s gonna take it but hey, you’re the expert, I’m just a small fish trying to get a nut from a squirrel. So let’s take a look at the Pam Grier bracket. Anything of note here?

Dr. Mann: Well aside from the Ashanti thing, not at all. Esther Baxter should take this one easily. I really like Rosario Dawson though. She’s quite the little hottie. But she isn’t going to make it past the second round, assuming she holds her slim lead here. Everybody else in that bracket is somewhat of an afterthought. I mean, have you seen Paula Patton’s IMDB page? Good gracious, why waste the webspace.

PJ: I see what you mean. I’ve seen extras with more credits. Alright, so what’s your take on the Vanity bracket?

Dr. Mann: Well, like I stated earlier, I think that Beyonce could get knocked out. This was a hard bracket, except for Jacque Reed. I been meaning to ask…how in the hell did she make it? Her and Fantasia look like they bite trees together. Eva Mendes might only make it because of that. I read somewhere that somebody criticized you all because of the inclusion of women like her.

PJ: Yeah, that happened. Apparently some people have problems with the inclusion of some non “black” women on the list. Water under the bridge homey. I pay that kind of stuff no real mind.

Dr. Mann: I think this tournament has a quite a bit of diversity with all the shades and types, or at least that’s the talk around the water cooler. As far as the bracket, Nia Long could be a sleeper and take the whole thing, similar with Nona Gaye. Free is a hot one, but for some reason, women just don’t like her so much. She isn’t the most attractive woman in the face, but she’s the most phat-to-death 37 year old woman I’ve ever seen. As the polls show, there are a lot of people, men and women alike, who would love to see Nia or Nona win. So I’m going to take Nona Gaye.

PJ: That really is a sleeper choice. Onto the last bracket, Tamara Dobson. Break it down doc.

Dr. Mann: This was by far one of the most competitive brackets. You have all kinds of hot women in this bracket. I’ve already spoken on Halle, but as far as the other women go, I think Zoe will take Ciara. Too many people see nothing redeeming about her aside from the fact that she can dance. That won’t take you to the finals. Trya or Meagan? Toss up and neither of them is taking the whole thing. Claudette Ortiz is surprising at a 2 seed since I figured most people forgot about her, but she’s a good one. Won’t beat Halle though. And I like Gabrielle Union, but I just can’t see her beating Claudette.

PJ: So what’s the prediction?

Dr. Mann: Well, I think that if Sanaa beats Halle, which is highly likely, she’s going to take the whole bracket. But if Halle wins, I think those people who didn’t want her to win in the first place will propel Zoe to victory. I just don’t think the women on the bottom half of the bracket have the wherewithall to take out Zoe or Halle.

PJ: So you think its going to be: Esther, Sanaa, Nona, and Kenya.

Dr. Mann: I’ll say Nona or Nia Long in the Vanity Bracket.

PJ: And who’s going to take the whole thing? Give me your prediction.

Dr. Mann: I’m going with Esther against Sanaa, with Esther taking the whole thing. That’s my final answer.

PJ: Well thanks Doc for coming through and blessing us with your predictions. We look forward to seeing how this thing shakes out over the next few days.

Dr. Mann: Thanks for having me…and once again, thanks for having me Mr. Jackson. Once again, sorry about the Panama thing. I forgot you are the top dog around here. My humblest apologies.

PJ: No problem doc, I am for real.

****

As of Wednesday, October 19, 2005, at 1250pm.

Jayne Kennedy Bracket

(1) Kenya Moore: 25
(8) Kerry Washington: 20

(3) Christina Milian: 24
(6) Res: 21

(4) Maia Campbell: 29
(5) Alicia Keys: 15

(2) Stacey Dash: 35
(7) Tatyana Ali: 10

Tamara Dobson Bracket

(1) Halle Berry: 24
(8) Sanaa Lathan: 22

(3) Zoe Saldana: 28
(6) Ciara: 18

(4) Tyra Banks: 30
(5) Meagan Goode: 16

(2) Claudette Ortiz: 24
(7) Gabrielle Union: 22

[***Updated Results as of 230pm, October 17th, 2005, for Jayne Kennedy Bracket at bottom of page. ***]

Guess who’s bizzack…it’s the boy Panama Jack AKA Mr. Make You Famous And Shit.

Welcome back for Day Two of October Madness. Day one was hectic as apparently the women playing in the Jayne Kennedy bracket each wanted to put up a fight. Both myself, Panama, of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises, that’s me, and the a.n.d.y. over at The Royal Youngs didn’t see the catfight that came to be.

Meowwww baby…meow.

Once again, if you haven’t already done it, pick up your downloadable bracket so you can play at home and argue amongst your friends like I’ve been doing all weekend.

We’d like to thank all you denizens of the democratic process for coming thru and voting and making this here tournament a worthy affair. I’m glad to know so many people care about this issue, an issue that is important for years to come. We may be experiencing a paradigm shift that has reverberations for generations.

Or not. Either way thanks for playing! Apparently, the a.n.d.y. is offering up a personalized Vote or Die! t-shirt to anybody who votes in each round. Hmm…I’ll just say thanks…

Head over to the a.n.d.y.’s spot to vote in the renamed Vanity Bracket, up right now. It’s not a game people…it’s a TOURNAMENT!

Also, I’ll do a tally later on today and display who’s winning in the Jayne Kennedy bracket, but for now, let’s get into the proceedings and break off into the…(drumroll please)…

Tamara Dobson Bracket

One of the tallest leading ladies of all time at 6′2″, she’s proof positive that Baltimore isn’t just good for heroin and The Wire, but also there are beauties running wild. Tamara Dobson, we salute you.

(1) Halle Berry vs. (8) Sanaa Lathann

Halle Berry: I’m not even sure she needs a defense. She’s Halle Berry for goodness sake. Amazingly, the older she gets, the finer she gets. Even the white boys love her. You know what…I’m not even going to waste time with an explanation…she’s Halle Berry. ‘Nuff said.

Sanaa Lathan: Sanaa is an under the radar beauty for some reason. Understatedly attractive she manages to look good in nearly every role she’s ever been in…which might be because she plays the same role in every movie. But who’s counting? Athletic build, nice arms a la Angela Bassett and a pretty smile, I mean…she love’s basketball, music, and can’t get enough of Taye Diggs. By the way look out for Love and Basketball 3: After They Put Down The CD’s They Picked Up After Basketballs, They Picked Up Poetry And Created Love Jones Meets The Parents

That’s not a real movie by the way.

Panama’s Pick: Halle Berry (like for real…it’s Halle)
Panama’s Prediction: Halle Berry (though I think Sanna might upset her too)
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Halle Berry
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Sanaa Lathan (huge upset)

(3) Zoe Saldana vs. (6) Ciara

Zoe Saldana: My Domincan Princess…how do I LOVE thee. Let me count the ways!!!! Man she’s smoking. Not the thickest body on earth, but man oh man, she looks good working what she has. Makes me want to dip her in some Texas Pete hot sauce and take a bite out of crime all at the same time. Slender framed beauty with just enough booty, girl I love your smile, your thighs and them sexxy eyes. Yowza!

Ciara: Hmm…I know women that want her goodies. This girl has thighs that have you wishing she’d wrap them around your back. Depite the fact that she is unable to keep her head straight when talking, the girl is bad. Nice skin tone, goodies, and can work the hell out of a sunroof. Where else do you get that combination? Nowhere…that’s where.

Panama’s Pick: Zoe Saldana (mm-mmm good)
Panama’s Prediction: Zoe Saldana
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Zoe Saldana
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Zoe Saldana

(4) Tyra Banks vs. (5) Meagan Goode

Tyra Banks: Living proof that all models don’t look like crack heads since she has some BODY. Got to love the jubblies. Also living proof that women with big ass 7-heads can make it in an industry solely devoted to your genetics. Tall, fine, sexxy, and alienesque, she makes you want to explore the universe…in the back seat of your jeep! She’s further proof, along with Amerie, that being pretty is all you need in life since her talk show makes me want to stab ants.

(5) Meagan Goode: Goode gracious me. I ain’t gonna talk about her lips. Fuck that. Man, those lips are sexxy as all hell, looking like she’d suuu…speak really well. *letting imagination run wild* She has one of the smallest frames on the list, but one of the most sexxalicious frames at the same time. Hell, did you see Biker Boyz? Breakout role? No. Breakout breasts? Hell yes!

Panama’s Pick: 7-Head AKA Tyra Banks
Panama’s Prediction: 7-Head AKA Tyra Banks
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Tyra Banks
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Tyra Banks

(2) Claudette Ortiz vs. (7) Gabrielle Union

Claudette Ortiz: Two words for you-wet dream. In the video for “Caramel” there wasn’t a man, woman, or porcupine alive that didn’t catch some kind of wood. She exemplifies a rare condition called “cuteashellandfineashellatthesametimeiwantsomekoolaid”. Seriously, there is no way I could have been in City High with her. I’d be hitting on her during every break…which apparently Toby Keith did and hit a homerun. She’s got that fiyah and that body and that beautiful luscious skin and smile and walk. Damn I love her.

Gabrielle Union: You know, I just love her lots. Like for real. She’s tall with a gorgeous smile and a nice body. Nice brownskinneded complexion that reminds me of chocolate easter bunnies. At her peak in Deliver Us From Eva and Break’n All The Rules. Hell, who am I kidding, she was at her peak in every movie she’s been in. I’m just a fan and she looks normal enough to be the girl next door, if the girl next door was fine as all hell and looked sweet at the same time. She just turns me into a Care Bear…Tender Heart Bear.

Panama’s Pick: Claudette Ortiz
Panama’s Prediction: Gabrielle Union (smell an upset?)
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Claudette Ortiz
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Gabrielle Union

****

There you have it, the last bracket in the First Round. Soon, we’ll be breaking things down so that they can forever be buh-roke, and get our Sweet 16. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the Most Muhf****n’ and the a.n.d.y. are bringing you one step closer to the most beautiful brownskinned woman of 2005. Remember…Vote or Die! Or just vote since death is so 2004.

****

Updated Results as of Monday, 230pm. This is a pretty competitive bracket aside from the Stacey Dash-Tatyana Ali slaughter that is occuring. But she did get 8 votes thus far.

(1) Kenya Moore: 18
(2) Kerry Washington: 14

(3) Christina Milian: 14
(6) Res: 18

(4) Maia Campbell: 20
(5) Alicia Keys: 11

(2) Stacey Dash: 24
(7) Tatyana Ali: 8

Welcome to October Madness 2005!!!

*loud screams and soft hushed yells*

Wait, what is October Madness 2005?? I’m glad you asked. This is where the ignorantly arrogant bastards at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises (I’m so arrogant I linked myself in my own post…sometimes I amaze even myself) in conjunction with that ignant n-word over at The Royal Youngs, d.young AKA the a.n.d.y., bring you the “field of 32 bracket” to determine…

…the baddest brownskinned (or at least melanin packing) beauty of 2005!!!

Yes people, we’re bringing the magic that is the March Madness NCAA Tourney to your computers and giving you the opportunity to enjoy the exploitation and misogyny of judging women based strictly on their physical assets. No, Lauryn Hill will not be here. Neither will Erykah Badu. I love them, believe you me I do, but here we discuss the merits and physical voraciousness that is those women who just got that “thing” without including their mental acuity and personality.

Both myself and the a.n.d.y. have scientifically put together a field of 32 women and properly seeded them using points, algebra, calculus, and homing pigeons. It’s not a game.

Check out the rules we abided by here.

Are you ready?? Well then…

Let’s get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllllle!!!

*yells and more hushed screams*

Here’s how it works. Over the next few weeks, on Friday and Monday, the a.n.d.y. and myself, me…Panama…he’s sexxy, will be bringing you a bevy of beautiful women who will be pitted against one another in attempts to bring us to our champion in NCAA tourney form. We’ll go from 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 to a champion. She’s your queeeeeeen to be!!

We have four “regional” brackets in honor of the beauties that came before them: Pam Grier, Tamara Dobson, Jayne Kennedy, and Appollonia. Ladies, we salute you. And if you are unfamiliar with any of them…

…google ‘em bitch.

Download your October Madness 2005 Bracket here. Download file

We request your opinions and debate. To facilitate it properly, myself and the a.n.d.y. will be each taking a bracket and providing pictures and giving a brief discussion of each beauty followed by our pick and our prediction. We’d like to ask for your help by having you place your pick and any discussion/arguments you’d like to present in the comments. That includes folks that never comment or participate. People, we need your help!!

We’ll start today with the the a.n.d.y. handling the Pam Grier Bracket and the Most Muhfuckin’ (see, I did it again…I love myself) handling the Jayne Kennedy Bracket.

It’s Round One bitches…Round One! Please toggle between both sites and place your votes and provide your decisions.

Let us begin…

Jayne Kennedy Bracket

Round 1

(1) Kenya Moore vs. (8) Kerry Washington

Kenya Moore: One of the absolute finest women the good Lord, or whoever you pray to, has blessed this planet with. Sweet, supple, scintillating sexxiness with curves that would make geometry jealous. Despite the fact that she manages to finagle her way into some of the worst films known to man (Trois, anyone?), she always stands out because she is just that damn fine. I’d sop her up with a biscuit from Popeye’s and some Wonderbread while doing the hambone in North Carolina. She’s a number one seed for a reason! Bumaya Kenya! Bumaya Kenya!

Kerry Washington: An oft slept on beauty who is finally starting to get her rightful buzz (mostly via the movie Ray), Kerry Washington is one bad motha-shutyomouth. Man, as bad as She Hate Me was, it was worth watching just to see her laid out and bent back getting her sexxy love kitten on. Pretty face, lovely physique, and a walk that makes me want to slap the Pillsbury Doughboy…I’m like Ill and Al Scratch, “I’ll take her.”

Panama’s Pick: Kenya Moore
Panama’s Prediction: Kenya Moore
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Kenya Moore
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Kenya Moore

(2) Stacey Dash vs. (7) Tatyana Ali

Stacey Dash: Admit it, she’s just bad. No matter how old she is she STILL manages to look good. In Kanye’s video for “All Falls Down” you watched as she ran through the airport, “bouncing.” Yeah, me too. I can’t help it. It’s hard to find a woman with her kind of everlasting beauty. Sometimes words aren’t enough to fully encapsulate a person’s beauty. Sometimes all you have to say is: Stacey Dash.

Tatyana Ali: Little Ashley has grown up into quite the woman. Yeah she’s moreso cute than, say, BOOM BAM POW with body for days! But I’d wager that 9 out of 10 men would still want to bend her over a 1967 Chevrolet Impala under the California moon. She has looks that won’t quit and she can sing. I should know, I bought the album Kiss The Sky. She’s got the hair and she’s got the smile. She’s got that nice bone structure. That’s attractive like none other.

Panama’s Pick: Stacey Dash
Panama’s Prediction: Stacey Dash
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Stacey Dash
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Stacey Dash

(3) Christina Milian vs. (6) Res

Christina Milian: Man oh MAN! She is hands down one of the most attractive women in Hollywood. She’s got that lovely bronze complexion with the nice slim but with curves body. She…could get it. The way her ass was getting tossed through the black mud/ink in the “Dip It Low” video just showed that she was without a doubt one of the finest aerial women of all time. She’s got the sexxy girl next door accentuated with lovely hair that sometimes matches her skin tone, which works for me. Christina Milian…you are my queen!

Res: Some women just have that uber-sexy look about them that screams attractiveness. Largely unknown to the pop culture audiences, her vicious body and deep transient face just beg for some tender love and care. Hell, I’ll be her TLC. Luscious skin tones and an athletic build that just. will. not. stop. makes me wanna be her “Ice King” anytime. She’s sexxy as all hell.

Panama’s Pick: Christina Milian
Panama’s Prediction: Res
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Christina Milian
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Christina Milian

(4) Maia Campbell vs. (5) Alicia Keys

Maia Campbell: In her heyday, she was one of the baddest chicks to hit every low budget film out there. She just had that thing that had every dude wanting more. Had she done a nude spread in a black man’s magazine, it would have gone Diamond. She just has the right combination of everything, body, skin, bones, and those come get me bedroom eyes. Thumbs up for Maia!!!! You make me proud.

Alicia Keys: She jumped onto the scene as the piana playing girl next door. Who knew that when she got up from behind the piano bench, we had a chick with some thick thighs and a little ass. Hey, her mom is white, she was gonna lose out somewhere. Very few women have sexxy eyes like she does or have that emanating beauty that the songstress maintains. Not a big fan of her music, but gorgeous is gorgeous…and Alicia Keys, is gorgeous.

Panama’s Pick: Maia Campbell
Panama’s Prediction: Alicia Keys
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Alicia Keys
a.n.d.y.’s Precition: Alicia Keys

***

There you have it, the Jayne Kennedy Bracket in all of its splendiforous glory. Shoot on over to the a.n.d.y.’s spot to check out the Pam Grier bracket and place your votes and arguments. It’s time to crown a queen. And tune in Monday to check out the Tamara Dobson Bracket and the Appollonia Bracket.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

1) The Almighty X AKA Xquizzyt1 interviewed the kid as part of her Blog Impersonations Week (or few weeks if you’re working on CP Time like she is), taking the Behind The Blog idea from Kajuana. Take a gander…my first interview. I’m famous beeeyotch!!!

2) Make sure you check back tomorrow as we here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises along with the A.N.D.Y. of The Royal Youngs are going to bring you something both provocative and entertaining…for that ass. Tomorrow…it goes down.

[***This segment will be much shorter than the last one...I think.***]

So as Part I left off, I had finally reached Boston for some hot fun in the summertime.

Except that’s a total lie since it got cold as shit and was rainy all weekend. I did enjoy myself so la di da.

If you remember the itinerary from yesterday, I was scheduled to leave out of Boston on Monday night at 830pm returning to the Baltimore-Washintgon International Airport at around 1143pm after a layover in Philadelphia.

Did my return travel go off without a hitch?? Did I manage to make it home at my scheduled time? Will Murder, Inc. go down at the hands of the feds? Will the Boondocks Comedy Central TV show be as good as the comic strip? All these questions and more answered, here on…Panama’s City.

And I’m really not going to answer the last two questions.

So, here’s what happened.

Monday

615pm: Me and my girl leave her house headed to the airport, Logan Airport, shaken, not stirred. She’s visibly distraught that I’m leaving considering that we were robbed of pretty much a day.

620pm: I point out a fireman rescuing a cat from a tree and she tells me that the cat should die since the weather robbed her of an additional day. She’s such a sweet girl.

620pm-650pm: On Boston’s T (subway). Really, I have no idea what the T stands for. All the times I’ve been there it’s never dawned on me to ask either. All I know is that the Green Line looks like my old toy train that I wrecked.

Let me backtrack a minute, I honestly half expected something else to go wrong considering how horrible my trip up to Boston was. After this weekend, I think I’m going to open up a new psychic hotline network on TV One, what with all the bootleg shitty programming they have, all they’re missing is a Miss Cleo knockoff.

Call Me Now!!!

650pm: We arrive at Logan Airport. We walk in Logan Airport. See Jane run. See Dick run. See Dick and Jane run.

655pm: I notice there seems to be a line for the US Airways terminal and people look pissed. I can’t confirm this, but I think I saw a young mother eat her kid. Not saying she was pissed, but she didn’t seem happy at all. Oh well, that has nothing to do with me.

657pm: I go stand in line to do the self check-in where I’m informed by a US Airways flight agent that a lot of flights are delayed (no surprise there) so I need to go talk to an agent. I hate agents by this point.

7pm: We go stand in line at the US Airways Trail of Tears Counter. Really, there were a lot of damn people in the line including this one nasty ass old man behind us who either had the bubonic plague or needed some water. All I’m saying is that he was coughing up a lung, spleen, or the knife that OJ used to kill Nicole Brown Simpson.

Not that I’m saying OJ did it…I’m just not saying he didn’t do it. Capiche?

703pm: I duck out of line to go check the display screen for arrivals and departures. This is where I notice something funny. Apparently all of the flights leaving Boston are either delayed or cancelled. ALL. OF. THEM. As in, every single one. The fucked up part is…SO ARE ALL OF THE INCOMING FLIGHTS. Now…that that makes about as much sense as people caring about Britney Spears. How the fuck are planes in the air having trouble landing.

Uh oh.

708pm: We get to the front counter where I’m informed that earlier in the day, at Boston Logan International Airport, the airport I’m attempting to fly out of…

…there was a radar malfunction at the Air Traffic Control Tower.

Read that again. I’ll wait.

*humming The Five Stairsteps “Danger! She’s A Stranger”*

I don’t know about you, but that’s just some shit that I never saw coming. Granted, I couldn’t see a cargo weight distribution problem either, but that just affected my plane.

Radar malfunction? Affects EVERYBODY’S plane. Apparently the radar was picking up any and everything in the air, to include flocks of geese causing the air traffic controllers to have to decipher what was what in the air. This caused the planes in route to have to increase their distance from one another to avoid…ya know…a crash.

By this point, I was fearful that whatever plane I was going to eventually get onto…was going down. It was the only outcome left.

715pm: I’m informed that there is a flight leaving out of Logan at 940pm to Philadelphia. But guess what…the flight from Philly to Baltimore is ALSO delayed. For what reason? Nobody knows. This shit is really turning into a Guinness World Record for most possible fuckups for one roundtrip. After consulting with my girlfriend, who is in a remarkably better mood than she was 10 minutes before, I just say fuck it and ask to be put on a flight for 9am the next morning.

I do have to say that I’m glad the good folks at Logan just decided to cancel and delay everything as the opposed to the dumbfuck pilots who flew me from Philly into Boston who thought that they could test God…in the air…just to get us to Boston a little earlier. I mean really, who tests God…in his Heavens???

I do not like green eggs and ham.

830pm: I email my boss to let her know that I will be coming into work late on Tuesday. I lay out a large part of the story, not as an excuse for being late but because I think its funny. Apparently she did too, I’ll get to that in a few.

Tuesday

615am: Wake up early enough to beat the rooster to the punch. He don’t want it with me, ask Nas, he don’t want it with me…Noooo.

715am: We walk out the door and get headed BACK to the airport. This time we look at the news flight schedules online just to make sure we aren’t making a mistake. Looks like all systems are a go.

750am: We get to the airport and get into a slight debate about the tickets I’m holding. Apparently, my girl thinks that the paper tickest I’m holding contains the boarding pass, I disagree. We wager 50 bucks. I win. She’s wrong. Do you think she paid??

Nope.

752am: So long…farewell…auf Wiedersehn…goodbye. *sniffle*

755am: You know, I don’t know why I do this when I go to the airport, but I usually have to totally strip down just to make it through the sensors. This is what I had to take off. My hat, coat, bracelet, watch, belt because of the metallic belt buckle, dog tags, cell phone, and shoes. It takes me about 5 minutes to get BACK dressed after making it through the metal detector and full cavity search conducted by a burlesque woman named Helga. She says she’s from Jersey. Suuuure she is.

(I didn’t really get a full cavity search, I just wanted to say Helga.)

8am: I’m sitting at my gate waiting to board a flight to Laguardia Airport where I’m supposed to have a 45 minute layover before catching my flight to Baltimore. Could this finally be the smooth flight plan?

Nope.

850am: I call my boss to let her know my progress. She laughs at me and tells me to take the train next time and she’ll see me when she sees me. She does want to be updated if anything interesting happens, for posterity’s sake though. My boss…what a card.

9am: For some reason, though the flight is scheduled for 9, we’re still sitting waiting to board. The plane is there, yet we’re not on it. Then this comes over the loudspeaker.

All customers on the 10am flight to Laguardia, that flight has been cancelled due to low visibility. Please go to gate B17 for the 9am flight.

Hmmm.

So let me get this right. You’re cancelling a flight scheduled for an hour from now because they won’t be able to see then?? Umm…bucko…WHAT ABOUT NOW??? How do you know you won’t be able to see then unless you can’t see shit now? Yet, the testing of God continues. Seriously, I didn’t realize that so many atheists were running airlines and airports.

920am: You know how they board by zones or rows usually? Not on late flights.

Flight Agent: Flight 2121 to Laguardia is now boarding all rows. Get yo’ ass on the plane so you can leave. Thank you!

930am: Take off. We’re informed that it’s going to be a quick 30 minute flight. That puts me in NY at about 10am so I can still make my connecting flight to Baltimore. Right??

10am: Still in air.

1015am: Still in air.

1030am: Still in air.

1040am: Still in air.

1051am: Touchdown.

How the fuck a 30 minute flight turned into an hour and 20 minute flight is beyond me. No explanation, nothing. Somebody somewhere is having a good laugh at my expense.

My flight leaving NY to Baltimore was supposed to leave at 1059am. And do you know what time it left?

1059am. For the first time on my entire saga, a plane actually leaves on time, and I miss it. Fuck.

1110am: I get rescheduled for the 125 flight to Baltimore. Great, another 2 hour wait in another airport. I feel so lucky right now I should play the lottery. Hell, if I played the lottery right now, somehow, I think that the state lottery board would find some law that states I’m responsible for paying the earnings on the $300 million jackpot. It’s been that kind of weekend.

1110am-110pm: Eat. Listen to iPod. Breathe. Wonder why we haven’t started boarding yet.

115pm: Hmm…apparently THIS flight is going to be delayed too. It’s okay cuz my boss already knows I’m not coming in. Hell she laughed again and said she’d see me on Wednesday.

135pm: We finally start to board, with little explanation as to why we’re not leaving until way later than scheduled. I hate US Airways…a lot.

136pm: Oh shit…that isn’t…yes it is…holy shit…this plane…

…HAS PROPELLERS!!!

In my life, I’ve determined that in 2005 there is just no reason for a plane to have propellers. They scare me. If one stops what happens?? What if a bird flies into that joint? Are we going down?

It’s official. I send text messages insinuating my life might end today. It’s been a good run.

2pm: Sitting on runway. Why aren’t we leaving? Fuck if I know.

215pm: Sittin’ sidewayz…I mean, still sitting there.

230pm: Finally…lift off.

345pm: We make it back to Baltimore into a gate area that I’ve NEVER seen before, which is only ironic since I’ve been to BWI about a million times and was sure I’d been to every terminal. I was wrong.

So after about 50-11 delays, I finally managed to make it back from whence I came.

To US Airways, fuck you for making everything that much more difficult and for no explanations.

Thus ends my travel story of the longest gotdamnned trip of my life. Sometimes you just have to laugh at it and realize…

…at least the plane didn’t go down.

Woosah!

[***Hoping you true muthasuckas know...this be the longest shit I ever wrote!!! Off in the officespace writin' notes...to the lonest shit I ever wrote!!! It's so long...I BROKE IT INTO TWO PARTS!! OOOOOOOOOOO...he said two parts!! Ooooooooooo! I'm dumb.***]

You ever take a trip and damn near everything that could go wrong, does go wrong?

If this is you say HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

Say HO! HO!

*HO! HO!*

Now somebody SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

*screaming wildly and loudly and stuff*

That last scream was me on Friday…then Saturday…then Tuesday. Seriously.

This past federal holiday (Columbus Day) I ventured to Boston. I tend to venture to Boston a lot nowadays. Do the math. Either way, in order to fully explain the hell that was my trip, I must do a timeline of the play by play which included rain, strippers, cargo, radars, traffic, and loss of sanity.

Just to get this started properly, here was my actual itinerary:

Friday

Baltimore Balt/Wash Intl (BWI) to Philadelphia International (PHL)
Departure (BWI): October 7, 8:00 PM EDT (evening)
Arrival (PHL): October 7, 8:50 PM EDT (evening)

Philadelphia International (PHL) to Boston Logan International (BOS)
Departure (PHL): October 7, 9:30 PM EDT (evening)
Arrival (BOS): October 7, 10:45 PM EDT (evening)

Monday

Boston Logan International (BOS) to Philadelphia International (PHL)
Departure (BOS): October 10, 8:30 PM EDT (evening)
Arrival (PHL): October 10, 9:51 PM EDT (evening)

Philadelphia International (PHL) to Baltimore Balt/Wash Intl (BWI)
Departure (PHL): October 10, 10:45 PM EDT (evening)
Arrival (BWI): October 10, 11:43 PM EDT (evening)

And here is what actually happened. Have a seat, this is going to take a while.

Friday

530pm: I trod out of my job happily welcoming the three day weekend and my trip to Boston. It’s raining.

534pm: In my car intending to travel to the Baltimore-Washington International Airport. About 30 miles away. Granted, its rush hour, but it shouldn’t take more than an hour and 15 minutes tops.

6pm: I’ve gone about 3 miles and have yet to actually leave the city limits of DC. If I can at least get onto the BW (Baltimore-Washington) Parkway by 610, I can at least be to BWI by 7pm. I’m cool as a fan, gat in hand, I don’t want to blast her man….but I can…I’m listening to Biggie.

615pm: I’ve gone 2 more miles…maybe. It’s raining, which in DC means there are accidents galore since folks here can’t drive for shit under normal circumstances. At least I’m on the BW Parkway, though I’ve yet to get outside of the Beltway. 25 miles to go.

620pm: This is where the sitting in traffic begins to drive me crazy. Note to anybody driving in car with the Most Muhfuckin’…I don’t do good in traffic…at all. Luckily Willie Hutch was wailing his ass off in my CD player. Do you have “The Mack” soundtrack? No…you should really get it.

621pm: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I’m sitting still. SITTING STILL as in not moving as in unmoving forward as in no forward progress as in progress halted.

623pm: Moving.

624pm: Stopped again. Fuck…I’d like a Klondike bar.

Repeats itself for the next 45 minutes but progress is made.

715pm: Clearly, I’m going to miss my flight since I’m at least 20 minutes from the airport. I call US Airways, they transfer me to some guy in India named “Mike”. Sure. I ask if it’s possible to get another flight since I’m clearly going to miss my flight.

720pm: “Mike” is a fuckin’ idiot. He tells me nothing I need to know except to go to the airport. Thanks fucker. Add to the fact that I’m driving in the rain, in traffic, and trying to dial up numbers on a T-Mobile Sidekick, and that I’m pissed…I’m sure I almost killed somebody on the road. My bad. And um…bring jobs back to America!!!

AMERICA…FUCK YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

740pm: I get to the airport and have resigned myself to the fact that I’ve missed my flight since I still have to park, and catch a shuttle to the airport. So I just go inside and talk to a US Airways personajiggy.

(By the way, it took me over 2 hours to go 30 miles. Not 300…30. I love DC. I make Kool-Aid for my family!!)

Panama: Ma’am, I’m supposed to be on the 8pm flight, but I’ve just gotten here so I assume I can’t get in since you all close flights 30 minutes in advance.

Flight Lady: You got your bag?

Panama: No…I figured if I went to the off-site parking, waited for a shuttle, and then came here…I’s still miss my flight, but it would be well after 8pm. So I figured I’d just accept that I missed my flight and see what time I can be rescheduled for in the morning.

FL: You should have brought your bag the flight is delayed by 15 minutes because of the rain. You might have made it is all I’m saying.

Panama: Ma’am, I understand that, but if you can just tell me when I can come in tomorrow, I’d appreciate it.

FL: (smug look) I’m just saying you really should have brought your bag. Hmmm, it’s our policy not to rebook you, you have to come in on standby. You have to be here for the first available flight on standby in the morning…at (devilish, evil asshole smile)…615…a…m.

Panama: You can’t just rebook me?? And did you say 615…in the morning? I live in DC. It takes at least 35 minutes to get here!!

FL: Sorry, that’s our policy. See you in the morning. (laughing to herself)

Panama: Thanks. (says to self) Asshole.

815pm: Panama is driving BACK to DC in the rain that caused the traffic in the first place. So guess what?? El traffico going the OTHER direction too. Somebody. Kill. Me.

945pm: Beddy bye bitches.

Saturday AKA The Longest Day of The Year

345am: Alarm goes off.

415am: Out the door headed to Baltimore. There should be no traffic at this time of the morning.

425am: Are you fucking kidding me?? A traffic jam at 425am??? Apparently there was an accident on the BW parkway. Fuck I’m tired.

435am: Get past the accident. “I’ve got to stay hii-iiii-iiii-iiii-iiii-iiigh, til I diiii-iiii-iiii-iii-iii-iii-iiie”. Three 6 Mafia’s new Cd is really good. Especially my joint…eh, fuck it.

440am: About 30 minutes from the airport but at least I’m moving. “If you want me to cheat you ugly bitch you got to play.” Most poignant chauvinistic rap line ever uttered at 440am on the BW parkway courtesy of Three 6 Mafia. That’s deep! Either that or I’m just tired…hmm…was that a midget holding a squirrel running across the highway??? Nope…

…it was Shaquille O’Neal holding a squirrel. Should have asked for an autograph.

5am: “Ever since I can remember I’ve been poppin’ my collar, poppin’, poppin’ my collar, every since I can remember I been workin’ these hoes and they better put my money in my hand.” In the pantheon of hiphop quotables…that is definitely my number 347.

510am: I’ve parked my car, caught the shuttle, and made it to the ticket counter. I’m standing in line behind about 9 Hispanic, probably El Salvadoran (not the tallest bunch of fellows ever), gentleman who speak NO English and who are still packing their bags. Nothing is more funny than watching a language barrier in full throttle. NOBODY knows what the fuck to do. And it’s 5am…you just can call the translator out of his sleep to come help with a bunch of short Latinos. That was fucked up…I’m sorry.

It gets worse.

512am: The Flight Agent pulls me out of line AHEAD of all the Hispanic males. She’s a young white lady. Apparently she plays favorites. A colleague of hers, clearly as fucked up as she is…and black, comes up to her and says “didn’t want to work with them Mexicans huh?!!” To which she responds…”he speaks English”, pointing at me. If I wasn’t tired, pissed at missing my flight, and running late, I might have been offended for them…for real though, they didn’t speak no English.

This conversation ensues…remember that flight lady from last night?

Flight Agent: How can I help you?

Panama: I missed my flight last night and need to catch a flight today.

FA: Did you speak to anybody? Because I don’t have you in my system as being rebooked.

Panama: I spoke to a lady last night who told me I had to come in today and I had to wait on standby.

FA: That’s not right. She could have easily booked you on a flight.

At this point, an older black Flight Agent Woman comes up and offers me some of her Dentyne (she offers it to everybody so I wasn’t offended). I said no thanks. Proving she’s from the South, she becomes offended and refuses to just let me say no going on to describe how good the gum is and how I really should just try it. I relent. It’s good gum.

Panama: So you’re saying she lied to me? That Ho…lesome woman looked me right in my face and said she couldn’t rebook me.

It’s 515am.

FA: Sorry about that, the 615am is full, I can confirm you on the 740am flight and put you on standby in Philly since most flights are full.

It’s 516am.

Fuck.

Panama: Thanks, I appreciate that.

FA: You’re welcome, sorry about the confusion.

It’s 517am.

530am: I’m at my gate a full 2 hours early. Apparently I’m not the earliest dude here either. There are two people fully laid out sleeping waiting on the same flight. Luckily I brought the longest most dense book ever, “Black Brothers, Inc.” about the notorious but largely unknow Philadelphia Black Mafia. Ironic…I’m going to Philly.

EARLY!!!

530am-715am: Read, scratch myself, doze off, eat a nasty ass sandwich from Roy Rogers, sleep, bathroom break, boarding call. Finally, progress.

740am-820am: Flight to Philly. Apparently in its attempts at cost-cutting, you don’t even get a snack on US Airways. You can order some good ass tap water though. Cheap bastards.

In Philly.

820am: So I’ve been placed on standby for an 1130am flight. No flights are leaving from Philly to Boston in between this. It’s raining outside and nobody’s in the airport but me, Freeway, and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Okay, I’m lying. It’s just me. Basically, I have ANOTHER 2 hour wait. Luckily, this one is going to be a lot more interesting.

830am: Damn Philly is a long ass airport. Got me walking 10K just to get to my new gate.

835am: Finally at my gate. Across the way is a flight headed somewhere a lot of black people are going. I’m not sure where, but I wish I knew.

850am: There are about 10 people sitting in my proximity. Me, 5 black guys who are Black Muslims, denoted by the bushy beard that Freeway rocks, 2 more black fake hiphop blinged out looking guys, and 2 white people with a baby. This is about to change.

9am: Four black Latino women who are either, strippers, porn stars, or pornstar strippers come sit RIGHT NEXT TO ME. One of them was even ice grillin’ me up. It is at this point I decide to write about my travels. It’s going to get better.

904am: I text my boy Frank Nitty, “there are 4 strippers or pornstars sitting next to me in the Philly airport. EARLY!”

906am: He replies: “you got pictures? I want pictures”.

910am: Seeming to have telegraphed my conversation with my boy Frank Nitty, the two fake hiphop dudes ask the stripping pornstars if they can take pictures with them. Of course, the exhibitionists oblige.

912am: Did she just put her leg on the other girls shoulder? Are they grabbing the one in the middle’s ass? In the AIRPORT?? Oh my…those white folks look scared. Me and the other black dudes? Enjoying the free show.

915am: More pictures. SWEET! This time, the one in the middle crouches down and pretends to perform oral sex on one of the other girls, while the third makes overtly sexual gestures about what she’d do to herself if money was being involved here. Text message from Frank Nitty: “dude…how can you not be getting pictures of this??!?! Use the camera phone…me and my brother want to see pictures.”

920am: One last picture…the ass shot followed by some cupping and literal HAND-ON-BOOTY action (Brown Sugar, 200). This is the best airport layover ever!

930am: Taking pictures almost made them miss their flight. They were all going to the same place…I’m jealous.

931am: I’m all alone. No more strippers. Life can be so sad sometimes.

931am-1045am: Sitting and watching my gate fill up with people. Apparently (after talking with another Flight Agent), this flight is oversold by 4 people. Me making the 1130am flight is not looking good. Fuck.

11am-1120am: They board the plane and I haven’t made it on for standby. But wait…there is one person missing from the flight, and if she doesn’t make it, I get the seat. Apparently she’s in the airport because her flight just landed, but she’s got 10 minutes to make it there or I get the seat.

Tick tock tick tock.

1129am: The silhouette of a young white girl can be seen sprinting down the cavernous hallway that is the US Airways gateway at Philadelphia Internation Airport. It’s her. I’m shut out.

1130am: I’m all alone again. And without a flight.

Fuck. At this point, I’ve been up for about 8 hours and have still not made it to Boston. I’m going crazy. I’m told that there is another flight at 130pm.

FUCKIN’ 130PM.

Oy vey.

1145am: Nothing else to do but just go enjoy Philly’s Marketplace. It’s a mall in the airport. I thought Atlanta had some stores, this place has everything. Shit’s hot!!! “fuck that take drugs, rape sluts, make fun of gay clubs, men who wear make up, get aware, wake up, get a sense of humor, quit trynna sensor music, this is for your kids amusement…” I’m listening to Eminem right now. Ice Cube thought he was the scariest guy in America…shiiiiiiiit, Eminem had white people REALLY scared. Plus, Ice Cube makes shit like Barbershop now…makes me want to go hug Doberman Pinschers.

During this time I was sitting next to an older woman and what I hope was her son, cuz if not, she’s REALLY robbing the cradle. Well, the young man was attempting to explain to her the finer points of computers. Wireless internet was totally not her thing. Whilst trying to understand how techonology has advanced over the past few years she totally got pissed at the concept of gigabytes, stating that in her day, gigs were jobs, not blocks of space. She was totally offended….I mean OJ going after Nicole Brown Simpson offended.

Good times.

1pm: The scheduled boarding time (I did get booked on this flight, thanky lawdy).

105pm: Call over the loudspeaker: The flight for Boston has been delayed until 230 due to inclement weather. Do you wanna die? Wannna fall out the sky? Wanna make your family cry? Then shut up bitch!

Okay, I made up that last part…but I’m delirious at this point.

I’d like to take this time to thank the good people at Apple for creating the iPod which managed to keep me totally musical for the entire duration of my trip through Hell. By the way, I must have listened to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” 30 times. Man that song is great.

By the way, everybody pretty much lost their damn mind at this point. I swear I saw a little Indian man run out onto the tarmac and challenge a Boeing 747 with a broom…or was that the movie “The Terminal”? I think I’ve lost all sense of self here.

130am: We hear this over the loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin boarding the flight and try to get you off the ground against the wishes of God and the air traffic controllers. Apparently, our captains think they can make this flight happen a little earlier. So what they don’t have visibility, they’ve got their faith.

Hmmm…God versus The Airline Industry. Wonder who’s gonna win?

2pm: We’re on the plane sitting there.

215pm: Still sitting here…God seems to be winning here.

230pm: Yep…we ain’t moving jack. Captain comes on and tells us that originally we were scheduled to leave at 415pm but they negotiated with the air traffic controllers to get us out earlier. Now I don’t mean to sound like a worry wart…but um…I can wait if the weather seems, I don’t know,hurricanish and shit.

245pm: We’ve been cleared to take off. I hope that clearance came from God too. I mean it is pouring outside. Hell visibility is so bad I can’t even see the guy sitting next to me…or my hands…HOLY SHIT!!! Oh…my eyes were just closed. Silly me.

3pm: Yes…we’re ready to take off!! Wait…why are we slowing down…on the runway.

Captain’s Log, Stardate 7845-E…I mean, Captain: Sorry folks, we have to return to the gate, there is a weight distribution problem with our cargo. We can’t leave until we get that right. And for those of you who got beef because of it…remember Aaliyah?? Yeah, thought so. We’ll leave when we can. Shut up bitch.

330pm: We finally hit the blue skys headed to Boston’s Logan International Airport.

415pm: Land in Boston…fuckin’ finally.

Bu-bu-bu-but wait…it gets worse…as the return trip to Baltimore also takes me through mazes of ghosts, goblins, lions, tigers, and bears, oh my.

It’s truly amazing how much shit can really go wrong in one weekend.

Tune in tomorrow for Part II of Panama’s Travels…