Cut The Chords
You know, every now and then I get this benevolent feeling in my heart that convinces me to give a chance to something that I otherwise wouldn’t consider. Such found me in front of my television on Monday night watching the season premiere’s of UPN’s lineup of television shows.
And by the way, I apologize for watching UPN. Except on this Thursday when Everybody Hates Chris premieres, which better be good with as much promotion as it’s been getting. Shoot, had Jay-Z given Memphis Bleek this kind of promotion, Bleek might have sold more than 1,000 copies of landmark drink coaster 534.
And since I’ve totally taken a tangent here, why not take one more? Cool?? Cool. On Kanye West’s “Diamonds From Sierra Leone (Remix)” Jay posits, “I’ve sold kilos of coke, I’m guessing I can sell CD’s.”
You sure can Jay! Your CD’s. As in Jay-Z albums. Your track record sucks with other artists. I don’t think Young Gunz, Bleek, Rihanna, or Tearra Mari have gone Gold combined. And the fact that Mariah Carey is pushing something like 4 million units doesn’t necessarily count since she’s, well, Mariah and was on the label well before Jay got there. Young Jeezy too. Hmmm…scratch that, according to Billboard, Pretty Ricky (yes THAT Pretty Ricky) is selling more than Young Jeezy which defies ALL rules of logic. Granted, they’ve been on the charts a few weeks longer but how is that even remotely possible??
Oh yeah.
Grind With Me…slooooooooooooooooooow grind!
Got to admit it’s catchy. And to complete the murder, I like Ray J’s new song “One Wish”.
Yes, that Ray J, who has an album in stores right now entitled Raydiation.
*cough*which*cough*I*cough*have*cough*
It hurts when you boo.
Let’s get back to business, bitches. One On One, All Of Us, Girlfriends, and Half & Half.
UPN…it’s time to let all of these shows go. Yes, even Girlfriends, a show that I found myself thoroughly enjoying at some point. Though I had to often wonder how they managed to make Joan’s appearance an integral part of the weekly plot. You just never knew what you were going to get with her. Sometimes fine, sometimes assmunch ugly. Unpredictability is often a benchmark of success, but geez Louise, when she was off, she was WAAAAAAAAAY off.
Anyway, every one of these shows has managed to find its way into total asstasticness right now. I’ve come to the conclusion that NONE of the writers for these shows thought they’d have a job for more than two seasons, tops. So they wrote shows that could easily end after the second season. The only problem was that they were extended and then the writers had to come up with new ideas. So what did they do?? Came up with ideas that not only didn’t work, but were horribly planned and executed.
For instance…on One and One, which features Flex Alexander and that little girl from Love & Basketball, Brianna (L&B Girl) just graduated from high school and is on her way to Cali for acting school. Well, her boyfriend comes with her and they move into a house with like 5 other folks, one of whom happens to be Ray J (Raydiation, in stores now…I’m trying to Jedi Mind Trick you into purchasing it). Maybe it’s just me, but anytime Ray J comes into the picture, its never a good thing. But also, the story can’t go that much further. The concept of One On One was about the relationship between the father and daughter. Hmmm…he lives in Baltimore and she lives in LA now. So what happens next? He stays in LA now “for a few weeks” clearly leaving his job behind in Baltimore…for a few weeks. So they had to come up with a new way to recreate the concept of the show in LA…aww fuck it.
It’s just bad.
The show All Of Us just offends me now. It’s a show about a family trying to make it after a divorce when a kid and new fiancee involved. And I’ll admit, the show wasn’t half bad before and the multiple scenes with Elise Neal (with her fine ass) and the newly married Lisa Raye (with her supremely fine ass) made it worth watching…last season that is. Last season ended with Robert (Duane Martin) quitting his job to go back and work with his boy Dirk (Tony Rick…Chris’ brother…Everybody Hates Chris, Thursday…DJ Clue…Clue-minati…2005…), and then they both quit their jobs, Tia (Elise Neal) is pregnant and they are about to get married.
Good segue into the next season if you ask me. Well since they didn’t ask me, they decided that the best thing to do would be to undo all that potential and go the TOTAL opposite route. Contract dispute? Who knows? But Elise Neal is outta there. So how do they explain this to us? In the first five minutes this conversation happens. Come take a listen.
All Of Us Season Premier-Opening Sequence
Robert: Man, just five months ago I was engaged to Tia, she was pregnant, and I had just quit my job.
Dirk: Yeah, who would have known that she wasn’t really pregnant and you two would have ended the engagement and you’d still be unemployed. But you still have a fine ass ex wife who’d I’d bang in a heartbeat.
Okay, I made up the last line, but you get the drift. They just totally tried to create a whole new show in a 2 minute conversation. That offended me. I’m like, whats the point of the show if you remove the fiancee? The premise of the show was making it as a non-traditional family. And since I clearly don’t know what that means, the ex-wife’s house burns down and she moves BACK IN. I mean, I liked seeing Lisa Raye damn near naked but now they’re just being dumb.
Like I said, they had no idea where to go with that show so they said fuck it. In fact, I’ll bet they just wrote that script the day before taping.
Girlfriends?? It’s been getting worse and more and more goofified, especially Joan. But I’ll reserve total judgement. Let’s just say that it’s also starting to leave something to be desired.
And Half&Half was never that good a show though I’ll admit I enjoy it. Mostly because I find the two daughters to be attractive and Big DeeDee deserves an award for her performances on that show every week. But guess what they did to throw us a curveball.
Any idea??
None?
You don’t watch UPN???
Welp…THEY ADDED A BLOG.
Yes, Mona the oldest frizzy haireded slightly thicker sister decided that she’s gonna get her Doogie Howser on. Does anybody else realize that Doogie was really the first blogger??
Either way, at the beginning and end of the show, she’s sitting there in her blogger’s stance, ready to type her newly learned lesson of the day.
Kill.
Me.
All of this, I can’t even get Kevin Hill back.
To me it seems like these UPN shows just aren’t going anywhere and are headed there fast. All of them left something to be desired but now they’re just relying on cornball storylines and ridiculous twists in hopes of just keeping the shows going.
I’ll be surprised if any of these shows last past next season.
Question of The Day: Since I know everybody watches Laguna Beach, who’s better…LC or Kristin? I’m an LC man myself. She’s hot. Kristin just annoys me.
Ante up.
September 21st, 2005 13:05
‘NONE of the writers for these shows thought they’d have a job for more than two seasons, tops’
with the exception of girlfriends (which is quickly getting more contrived than “r u the girl” joan’s a “ooch, ouch” girl? please. its a scientific fact that women with wide mouths are also wide, ummmm, “other places”.) all of those shows share that problem. they’re all basically pilots…pitches and shit instead of actual plausible (and entertaining) shows with scripts. the only saving grace is that they each feature attractive women and occasionally attractive e-list celebrity guest appearances
September 21st, 2005 13:20
We wrote about the same thing today Panama…isn’t that crazy. Well besides the fact that I think Girlfriends is the best thing since Manwich and you think it’s Chicken of the Sea. That show cannot be lumped into the rest of the place-holder zeroes that comprise UPN’s lineup.
DYoung: Exactly how did you find out about the wide mouth/wide cooch correlation? I’ve never heard that before…
September 21st, 2005 13:21
**applause**
It needed to be said. I agree with you on each and every one of those.
Laguna Beach? Kristin. LC seems too desperate and available.
September 21st, 2005 15:07
*pow pow* @ you for watching UPN… even though I watched the finale of “R U The Girl” last night :)!
I was SO loving that One Wish song until I saw the video and found it was Ray J singing it. I cannot like the tune anymore… except a little bit :).
September 21st, 2005 16:24
@Donna: Great minds think alike…or they did until you said Girlfriends was the greatest thing since Manwich which is impossible since that would be Halle Berry or iPods. Still luv you though.
@Juli: I’ll admit LC seems a little too available to Stephen but Kristin is just annoying to me. I do have to wonder why LC is even still on the show given that she’s a year older and all her friends are gone. Must only be for the Stephen drama.
@MsThing: Don’t be hatin on RayJ. He makes hits!!! Just not really…
September 21st, 2005 17:27
Hey Panama, I’ve been a lurker for a minute but I had to give my two cents on UPN’s Monday night lineup.
ONE ON ONE…A friend of a friend works for this show and a few weeks ago I was in LA and got to shadow her for the day. Wow is all I can say; it was definitely an eye opener. I don’t know why I was surprised at this fact, but the vast majority of writers, producers, and other assorted staff on this “black” show were white. On top of that, the show has gotten a complete overhaul with only Breanna and Arnez continuing from the OG cast and as you saw them moving to LA. Don’t get too used to Flex because he’s only there to transition the show for the first few weeks. Having seen a few of the upcoming scripts and the new cast rehearse, I don’t think this hot mess will last past this season. They’re getting ready to go into syndication–where the real money is–anyway, so I’m sure they’re hardly pressed.
ALL OF US…Sheeet…I wish I would watch this wackadociousness. I turned to How I Met Your Mother, which was actually pretty decent.
GIRLFRIENDS…They had too much going on in this episode and the majority of it wasn’t funny.
HALF & HALF…Of the three that I watched this was my favorite (which truthfully aint saying much). I thought that it was funny and had good messages. Plus the “Mona Logue” blog was a cute idea.
September 21st, 2005 17:36
Oh my goodness I love LC. Doesn’t she look like Ben Stillers wife? LC does need to lay off of jocking Stephen’s nuts though cause he is using this “love triangle” to the best of his advantage> Let me just add I am glad I am not the only one addicted to Laguna Beach and……….what the hell happened to Kevin Hill?!
September 21st, 2005 17:50
Okay… okay… I’m mad at ever so many things in this post. I swear your shits are like a damn Paul Rigby cartoon, you can come back next week and see some shit in there that you didn’t notice before.
Anyhoo… umm… you can CLEARLY be my TV buddy. I kinda sorta loved Girlfriends for like a month… and then I saw all the episodes and was over it with all the broken engagements, divorces, and the fake Waiting to Exhale-like, I’m pregnant with no man, but I’m fine cuz I got my girls shit. Ho-fucking-hum. LOL
Half&Half. Watched it once. Saw the episode where there was a positive pregnancy test in the trash or some shit… and everyone speculated on who was pregnant. Hmm… suprisingly… that episode was enough for me.
One on One… again… watched it once… when Briana almost had sex. And again… that episode was enough for me. Though Flex could GET.IT. Shit, he could get it when he was 2 pounds 6 oz. wearing locks, dancing in videos and doing stand-up in NYC clubs. I used to see him all the time and Mmmph he was always fine to me. Oooh he was on Girlfriends too for a minute, playing Darnell. LOL
All of Us. Yeah… can’t say I caught that. I had enough of Elise Neal’s horrible acting… is she really fine to you? Interesting… LisaRaye, I can see… Elise Neal??? Mmmm…no. Nice body… face and hair? MMM… unacceptable. But I digress… yeahhhh had enough of her bad acting from ummm… the Hughleys… which I watched all ooooof twice.
Okay Everybody Loves Chris BETTER be funny… because damn Tichina Arnold has already cracked me UP in the previews. LOL That better not be as good as it gets.
Haven’t heard that RayJ song… but I’m ever so mad that you walked up to a counter and asked the clerk where the R’s were in the R&B section and set out to find that nigga’s shit. I am mad and I will not tolerate the fact that you brought said shit up to the counter and smiled at the clerk as they rang it up for $12.99… stood there, got your change and went home. I’m furious that you OPENED said CD with your keys… to play it on the way home and STILL, STILL were able to sleep soundly that night and not kick the doors of Tower Records down begging them for mercy and requesting a refund. *shaking head* I’m so disappointed in you. But don’t worry, not enough to spit. LMAO
LC is pathetic… not in the same way as Jessica… cuz she seems to have a thread more common sense (just a fucking HAIR more) and self-esteem than Jessica (which ain’t saying shit, cuz that pencil sharpener on my desk has more common sense and self-esteem than Jessica) but I love, love, love Kristin. She’s confident, cute, has style, and you NEVER, EVER see that chick sweating no dudes!! NEVER!!! I love her attitude!!! She’s a PIMP!!! She even said herself, “I’m a P-I-M-P.” ROFLMAO that’s my girl. Love her. LC? Sad. Just sad.
September 21st, 2005 17:53
Oh and how the hell in all that writing did I forget to express my sheer furiosity at Doogie being the first blogger. You’re right and I hate you for saying it. LOL
September 21st, 2005 20:37
I was feelin Half & Half for the two seconds I thought I could get a job on the show. Now that they rejected all this great Hollywood stardom, fuck em. The show is trash. Okay, not really, but they need better writers. Actually, all the shows do except for maybe Girlfriends. I’m tired of Black shows sucking so much–across the board. It’s as if we have to assimilate (Cosby) or be straight coons (Good Times) in order to get any accolades around here. Hence my desire to write for TV. Don’t get me started….
September 21st, 2005 20:59
LC all day long dude. Mad love to my Laguna Beach peeps. HOFFA!
I had the screwface on the entire time I was watching Girlfriends. Lynn becomes a lesbanim, ooch-ouch (da hell???), Maya and Darnell fighting already and having raunchy sex in a Saturn? Yeah. They’ve officially jumped the shark.
September 22nd, 2005 00:05
donna: “DYoung: Exactly how did you find out about the wide mouth/wide cooch correlation? I’ve never heard that before…”
lol, maybe because i just made it up. its does seem plausible though, doesnt it?
September 22nd, 2005 08:54
ok! i thought the post was funny and on point, but the comments were even funnier! lol! anyway, i loved girlfriends for a minute, now i watch it in the hopes that it will be as funny as it once was. i mean, why couldn’t will and joan have had some good sex already? hasn’t this gone on long enough? finally darnell and mya got back together, but we all knew he was playing hard to get. And Tony wanting a divorce? As desperate as she was acting about this marriage? please! I don’t even want to comment on lynn! hmph! it’s all just really offensive. i don’t really watch the other shows…
September 22nd, 2005 09:50
@Raven-see thats why you’re my dog. LC all day. Man I’d take her in a heartbeat. Stephen’s an idiot. Kristin is cute and all but she annoys me. Not as much as Jessica who needs to be slapped with the force of 6 midgets and two troubadors. X dont know what the hell she talkin’ bout.
@butta-Thanks for the heads up. I’ll now just watch the NASA Channel during monday nights. It’s the one with the cartoon space shuttle that just sits there. I’m sure it will be that much more entertaining.
@Pear-Yep, all that damn ridiculousness. Like I said…cut.the.chords.
September 22nd, 2005 11:42
OK, first…Doogie Howser? The first blogger? DAMN!! You took it back and SCREECH!! Please explain. Did not catch All of Us. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AND HOW DID THEY EXPLAIN THAT?? Girlfriends and Half&Half was trash, but I did crack up about Mona and her blog. I began to wonder if I should add her to my blogroll…. LMAO!
September 22nd, 2005 12:14
Big Dee Dee is great! OMG she has me ctfu every time I watch the show. Now…I must say that I TOTALLY agree with you about each one of these shows. While I was looking forward to each of the season premieres I was soooo NOT impressed by either. Ok. I’m just glad to know I wasn’t the only one who felt like this. I missed the beginning of All of Us. I was wondering what the heck happened to Tia. Thanks for the clarification. Bit of clarification anyway. I still want to know why she’s no longer on the show.
September 22nd, 2005 15:01
@Beloved: Dude…think about it. Doogie used to sit down every day at his computer and log his daily events. Not in a journal, on his computer. We assume that back then there was no Internet to speak of, however, he managed to broadcast it to all of us. Blogs are often free, web based journals that reach thousands.
Doogie+computer+journal+thousands of folks=First Blogger!
Doogie Howser, MD…I salute you. You started this shit, now we gonna finish this shit!
September 23rd, 2005 12:14
HaHa!!! Good as usual….. Hey Panama? You still watch UPN? Ok I do watch girlfriends but that other stuff sucks. By the way your Jedi mind tricks work….. you had me watching Laguna Beach last week. LC! who? LC! who?
September 28th, 2005 10:45
LC is obviously more attractive, but Kristin has more personality.