Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

I saw the movie Marci X this weekend. Not a bad movie, but not exactly one I’d recommend anybody to actually spend time watching. Of course, if you’re bored and don’t have anything else to do there are much worse movies you can watch than Marci X like say, well, I can’t really think of any offhand right now but we all know that they are out there lurking like aliens from the outer rings of Saturn or France just watching and waiting for us to slip up so we can be transported to some spaceship, similar to the one Kanye was waiting for, but much more streamlined and sleek with lots of bells and whistles and cappucino machines…

…riiiiiiiiiiight.

Honestly, even I don’t know how my mind goes where it goes sometimes.

Anyway, Marci X. Well, in the movie, Lisa Kudrow stars as the billionaire heiress to a music company mogul who is trying to get Damon Wayans (his name is Dr. S in the movie) to apologize for some of his brash lyrics and shit. Well, they end up dating and the plan is for him to go and apologize for his lyrics at the MTV Music awards.

Well, as Damon Wayans date to the awards show, Lisa Kudrow’s character does what any white woman dating a thugged out black man would do…

…she dresses like an Erykah Badu knockoff.

Say heffa say what???

Yes heffa, that’s what.

She was fully garbed in a headwrap, a kinte cloth wrap dress, some beads, and I could have sworn I saw an African medallion somewhere. Pure and utter non-sense. And it wasn’t offensive or anything, just overdone. Totally overdone.

It got me to thinking about the asstastic mess of a job people do when they’re trying to emulate another culture in attempts to assimilate or show support. And yes, we do a horrible job, regardless of race. This means black people too. This isn’t just a white thing…this spans ALL cultures.

For the life of me, I don’t understand how people can really be so oblivious to the fact that in our attempts to show support or “understanding” of another culture, we completely turn ourselves into caricatures. For instance, when white people try to emulate black culture, have you noticed that they take the most extreme examples of black culture to embrace? I’m talking gold or platinum chains that hang down to their ankles, doo-rags when they have straight hair, hiphop gear that nobody even remotely attached to black culture would wear. Hell, sometimes I think that most companies make “hiphop” clothing specifically for the leagues of white people who want to be cool between the ages of 13-24 and think that “black” culture is the way to go.

And it isn’t like everything is off. It just seems like people take that one extra step that would normally have you falling off a cliff and getting caught by your toenails on a broken bottle of Absolut Vodka hanging out of the side of a mountain.

Let’s not just stop with white people though. Let’s talk about black folks. Yes, black folks who think they are doing a service to Africa by wearing shit African’s wouldn’t be caught dead in. Have you ever noticed how ridiculous a lot of black folks look when they are paying tribute to “mother Africa”?

Me too.

Hell, it offends me sometimes. Throwing on some kinte clothe pants some slippers exposing your flour-powered toes and putting on an “African” hat you purchased from an Arab guy in your local mall doesn’t exhibit support. It exhibits an exhibit of what not to do when trying to show support to your African brothers and sisters, most of whom you’ll never actually meet.

Hmm…I wonder. Has anybody ever thought to ask an African what they would wear at some sort of traditional ceremony at home?? It seems as if the biggest problem we have is that none of us ever ASKS a person of the culture we’re attempting to copy what THEY would wear.

And that includes Africans too.

I’m not sure whose worse in this case, white people or Africans. See, it would seem that Africans get their fashion ideas from the same place white people do.

Television and other white people.

And I’m just not quite sure which shows either of them are watching.

Hmmm…

[***DISCLAIMER: If you are black, white, or African, or hell any other ethnicity/culture, etc. and are offended because I'm talking about you, well, it's your fault for giving me something to talk about. Fuck you. Either be yourself, or get a dressing coach and quit coming out of the house looking like a hot damn mess. It's not my fault you look like pure shit. Kiss my ass and learn how to properly xerox my culture. ***]

Africans that try to dress like black Americans miss the mark so hard you have to wonder where they were shooting. It’s the same problem white people have, and its the same problem black Americans have when trying to be more “African.”

Sometimes I just want to jackslap everybody.

For some reason, in our attempts to show support we end up mocking the very thing we want to support. How dumb is that? Thats why I don’t wear anything traditionally African now. Hell, I don’t want to walk outside and offend an African. A few weeks ago I bought a shirt that says “I (Heart) Afrikan People.”

Hmmm…

It was a good idea when I bought it. Then I thought about it, even wore it once, and felt a whole lot of weird because I’m not African. Well, not in the traditional sense. I’m clearly of African descent.

[***Panamanian Sidenote: So my mother is from France and my father is a black man from Alabama, and his mother is a Native American. Like a real one, not like some folks who will tell you they 1/72 of Indian blood in them. You know what that makes me?? American like a muhfucka. Black+White-European+Native American=American. ***]

But the fact is, wearing a shirt that says I Love African People isn’t exactly showing love, it feels more like a mockery. I can wear a shirt talking about I love Black people because well…I’m a black dude. I associate with black people. African people view me as black. Basically, to me its like a white person wearing a shirt that says I Love Black People. The right sentiments might be there, but truth be told, it almost looks like a slap in the face. That’s some shit you say after you say something ignorant to attempt to cover your tracks.

And I’m ignorant…so I know what you say when trying to cover your tracks.

I keed I keed.

Hmm…there doesn’t seem to be an appropriate time to do this so I’ll just do it here since we’re talking about ignorant. I’d like to send an extra special, and I must clear my throat for this, FUCK YOU, out to Mike Brown, the head of FEMA, who managed to BLAME THE VICTIMS OF HURRICANE KATRINA for not getting out of New Orleans. What kind of ignant muhfucka blames people who have lost everything and couldn’t leave for their own demise? When asked about the poor people who couldn’t manage to get out, this asshole says that we can’t blame anybody, we just focus on saving people. Dickhead, you just blamed their fate on them!!

I’d honestly like to slap the living shit out of him for that one.

End rant.

Back to the point here…it’s interesting how in our attempts to show support we often end up mocking other cultures, openly.

What makes it even more fucked up is this. In the movie, Lisa Kudrow dressed up as a stereotypic “down-to-earth soul” sistah, kind of chick. Damon Wayans…was a gansta rapper. That shit doesn’t match. Which highlights another problem. Not only do folks not know what they’re doing…they don’t even know WHEN to not know what they’re doing!

[***PSA: The first season of A Different World will officially be released on DVD on November 8, 2005. Mark your calendars. Martin?? Still nowhere in site. My heart hangs heavy. ***]

So the next time you see a white chick in a headwrap with some Ankh earrings or a black guy wearing a kinte cloth dashiki with a map of the middle passage adorning the front…

…slap the living shit out of them then tell them the good news.

You just saved a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico.

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