Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

I had originally planned to set this Friday off with some fun festivities for the masses, however, due to circumstances beyond my control, also known as work, I have some shit that NEEDS to get out the door today. With that said, I’m just going to get folks ready for whats coming up on Monday.

Why put in a preparatory note for Monday? Isn’t this just a blog?

Yes it is just a blog, but Monday, I need your help.

Why?

Good question.

On Monday, Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises is going to have the:

First Monthly, Ever-So-Monthly But Potentially Annually JGT Enterprises Wax On Rap Off!

What is that exactly? Glad you asked.

Out of the sheer boredom of my mind I was thinking one day, “Panama, you oh so sexxy devil you, what would be really fun to do on your blog?” I tend to speak to myself as if I’m about 4 different people at times. Well I said to myself, why not just have a rap battle where I start it off and folks respond in kind in the comments. Truth be told, who HASN’T wanted to be a rapper at some point in their life? And who hasn’t wanted to take a shot at Panama Muhfuckin’??? And most importantly…

…who doesn’t want to have fun?

And best of all, its a total free for all. Everybody can play!! So for the veteran MC’s in the room, dust off your rhyme books, and for the rookies, get ready to kick a dope rhyme…smoooooooooove on the TLC tip! There is no experience required, hell, I tend to suck most of the time. But as long as its all in good fun…hakuna matata bitches, hakuna matata.

The only rule will be to keep it light…though if this was LL Cool J, he would say make it hot. I’m not going to say make it hot, though.

And since I brought up LL, for everybody out there who thinks that they can’t possibly come up with something, just remember this, LL Cool J, the veteran rapper and world-wide sex symbol has actually crafted this as a line on a song:

“touch it why don’t ya/touch it why don’t ya”

and

“paradise is very nice”

Who CAN’T do that??

It’s like butta baby…it’s like sugar y’all.

I’ll even add some instrumentals to the radio blog so that folks can pretend they are writing to something.

And just to kick it off as a little warm up, I’m gonna give you all 8 bars as a sign of good faith.

Ready?? Good. Let’s go.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….
Well nobody can rap quite like I can
yeah I stole that line but I don’t give a damn
cuz the fact that I’m the man helps me sleep at night
and don’t act like you ain’t know homey that ain’t right
cuz at JGT, punks jump up to get beat down
come around here talkin’ that shit and i’ll show you how
so bring your A-game don’t slouch it’s gon’ be bitchin’
and if you can’t stand the heat stay the fuck out the kitchen…

Chuuch!

See…shit ain’t that hard! (O-Dog, Menace II Society, 1993)

****

As another note here, make sure you head over to the newest news site on the Internet, The Insensitive News Syndicate. Are you tired of reading the news from a slanted point of view? Do you want fair and balanced?? Do you want news sources to cut out the gimmicks?? If you answered yes to any of these questions, The INS isn’t for you. If you want to read how shit should ACTUALLY look…head on over. I’m a writer there along with lots of other folks who have a hell of a funny perspective on shit. Get thee to The INS and as a warm-up, check out an article I wrote about some FUCKED up shit that those animal huggers, PETA, pulled.

[***I forgot to do this yesterday, but venture on over to the newest News site to hit the internet, The Insensitive News Syndicate (INS), for the latest in what the hell is really going on. The INS, offending you on purpose! ***]

Welcome to the second entry of Guest Shots To The Dome, the place where other folks drop their jewels and I get to sit back, relax, and smoke a fat ass joint. The fact that I don’t smoke is irrelevant, but if I did, I would do exactly what I just said I’d do.

Today’s entry brings us back to the Hurricane Katrina situation. They say Americans have a short attention span. What happened last week is last weeks news. And you know what? I agree. It seems like months ago the whole fallout from the hurricane rallied everybody together…now? Nobody’s talking about it anymore.

About a week ago, I received a post from a former blogger who hasn’t shut her site down yet hasn’t posted in months, Nikilovely of Matters of the Heartless fame, discussing some of the issues regarding the relief effort from the Hurricane. She has an opinion, and wants it to be known.

Take a gander.

****

Relief? Effort?

1997 Roederer Cristal Champagne: $225.
2 Gold chains from Wal-Mart: $350.
Louis Vuitton handbag: $800.
Four new gold teeth with platinum fronts: worthless.

The FEMA Disaster Card: It’s everywhere it shouldn’t be.

Somewhere, right now, there’s a probably a round of lap dances being sponsored by the good folks at FEMA and the grand ole taxpayers of the US of A.

I’m a generous person. No, really. I give all the time. I’m the first person in the office that you bring your kid’s fund raiser brochure to—I’ll buy the cookie dough, I’ll order the wrapping paper, I’ll pay the $8 for 2 oz. of gummy worms in a “collectible” plastic cup. Not only that, but I give money to just about anyone holding a sign. If you say you need it and I have it, it’s yours. That’s just how I am. So understand that as I pledge here and now that I will not be giving another dime to an organization in order to fund Katrina relief, it is not a decision made lightly.

It’s obvious that there are some victims who are abusing the funds intended to help rebuild their lives. It’s a sad fact that due to the prevalent mentality of many of these affected persons, if and when they get their lives back on track it will go on much as it did before. There will always be those that will constantly have their hand out, all the while blowing everything they get on trifles. But there are people in genuine need out here. The way this is going, there won’t be adequate funds to offer even a semblance of stability when they return to New Orleans. Even worse, as more reports like those listed above leak out, many people will no longer even be willing to help.

It will take billions upon billions of dollars to truly rebuild everything New Orleans lost in Katrina. Most of those funds will come from federal and major charitable organizations. Knowing that, I’d expect some measures to be in place to ensure that when the time comes, there will be enough money to make a go at it. This means taking some actions to make sure that the funds go into the areas where they are most needed. It shouldn’t even be possible to take those funds and misappropriate them to the degree that is being reported.

They’ve set up Food Stamps on an electronic card that restricts the purchase of tobacco, alcohol, and other non-food items. They’ve set up WIC so that participants can only purchase the least expensive brands of the items on the voucher. I won a Thanksgiving turkey dinner in a Salvation Army raffle one year, and instead of the turkey, I got a $50 grocery store gift card that restricted my purchase to food items only, for tax purposes. Obviously, Big Brother has means of curbing inappropriate spending. So it defies logic to think it’s possible for Tre’vinquinae and all of her little hoodmice to march into the nearest Foot Locker and snatch up the latest platinum dipped Nike Air Diamonds with spinners on the back, in blue. With FEDERAL funds. Is it just me, or is this absurd?

There should be measures in place. The organizations in charge should set up for any displaced persons to be provided with housing, food, clothing, and a small monthly stipend until they find sufficient employment. There should be limits placed on how much you can spend on any one item, just like there is with WIC. I understand that administering such a program would take time. Set up a waiting list. Give priority to those that were employed within 90 days prior to the disaster, or can show just cause for not working. In the mean time, send relief funds to those smaller organizations such as schools and churches that are housing and feeding evacuees who have yet to receive funding. This way, we can ensure that money is going where it is most needed, and help ensure that there will be money left to rebuild the city so that people have a home to return to in the future.

It seems like the federal government is has a major case of guilt over delaying assistance to the city for as long as it did, and for allowing conditions to deteriorate to that point. So they’re throwing money, at the victims to keep them quiet and alleviate their own consciences. They’re giving funds, but offering no future. Personally, I find it offensive. Until I see that these or similar procedures have been put into place, I can not support this effort. I will continue to volunteer with displaced families; I will continue to purchase items and give money to those people that I come in contact with. Wherever I can detect an actual trail of effective spending in this effort, I will give. But I’ve made my last pledge, bought my last candy bar, and dropped my last quarter in the checkout jar. I have completely lost faith in the ability of the federal government or corporate charitable organizations to effectively handle this crisis. This so-called “relief effort” is offering little of either.

*****

Agree? Disagree?? Want to fight Niki??

It’s all available to you at Guest Shots To The Dome!

Yes that Ray J.

“Hey, waitaminute, ain’t that Brandy’s brother??”-Lil Kim circa 2002

Yes…it is.

And he gets unnecessarily hated on for no good reason.

The hate proceeds no longer, for today, the good folks at Jackson G. Tickle’s Offices of Suspended Hateration have decided to embark on a mission that no educated black man has ever fathomed.

Today, Ray J will be defended.

Where to begin?? Hmmmmm….

You know, I’m just going to come out and say it. I’m a fan…well now anyway. Much like the rest of black folks, I was just as big a Ray J hater as anybody else. If you think about, he makes it so easy to do. It almost seemed as if the boy was always trying to hard. Scratch that…he WAS always trying to hard. Granted, he had a hell of a shadow to come from under. Truth be told, he was Brandy’s little brother, perfect little girl next door Brandy, and here he is coming out trying to come off like he’s got some street sense or had some hood in him. Ray J, we don’t believe you, you need more people.

The main case against him was that he was this fake hood dude who tried to hard…and oh yeah, he was just corny. Seriously corny. And you know what, the corny thing is just innate. If you’re a cornball you’re a cornball. See also Nick Cannon. But those first two, the hood problem and his trying to hard, well those are a bit more understanding. So let’s delve into this.

The People Vs. Ray J. Norwood AKA Ray J, Court Docket No. 9CVP

The Honorable Judge Wopner Presiding
Attorney for Ray J: Mr. I. M. Datkneega, Esq., JGT Enterprises

Task: The Impossible

Ladies and gentleman, I stand before you today to do the unthinkable. I stand before you to convince you that a severe malfeasance of justice has occurred in our ranks. We have levied an unnecessary amount of hate at one, Ray J., and today, I shall not be moved nor shall I stand for it any longer.

In fact, we shall overcome the fact that we’ve been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and led astray!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen.

How will I complete this arduous task?? I’ll tell you. I’m going to explain to you all how we have been wrong in our accusations against Mr. Norwood of being a total fake ass nigga. I’m going to show you how he had no choice but to try to hard and come off looking lame in the process. I’m going to show you how his youth and circumstances helped to create the man we see before us today. I’m going to show you how I became a fan, and show you the light to becoming a fan as well. It’s okay to step out of the dark…into the light of prosperity!! Into the light of ubiquity…in fact…Gimme the Light…alright…tonight.

Did young Ray J try to hard at times? Yes he did. But WHY did he? Think about this. You’re older sister is selling millions of records and has a name that everybody knows…before 19. In the family, she is the one people run to hug while you are pushed around at the dinner line at the family reunion. Nobody wants to give you any Kool-Aid, it’s all for your sister. Nobody even knows your name.

Now, imagine if you will, a rubber duck…some blue suede shoes, and a bag of nickels.

What would you do?

I ask again.

What WOULD you do???

You’d act out and do anything in your power to gain notice. In your attempts to get some of the attention your family is bestowing upon their wunderkid daughter, you are forced to do what any other young man screaming for love and adoration would do in LA.

Join a gang.

SAY WHAT????

Yes nigga, Ray J was known to be affiliated with a set of Bloods in Carson, California.

Hmmm…didn’t know that did you?

Did you also know that one phone call can save you 15% or more by switching your car insurance to Geico?

So we have a gangland thug in the family worrying his family all to death in an attempt to get some attention. Well, at some point, he reached out to his family because he was afraid of what might happen to him on the streets. So Ray J did a little dirt on the streets but still hasn’t managed to get from under Brandy’s shadow. He is, for lack of a better term, just Brandy’s little brother. Yet he gets a shot to release an album for that very reason.

And he lays a brick, Everything You Want, but that’s not because he couldn’t sing. It was because he didn’t know who he was at that point. Youthful uncertainty is something we’ve all gone through isn’t it? We all at some point had to search for ourselves which is even harder when you’re life is defined as the younger sibling of a wildly popular, but soon to be hated entity and money making machine.

Then when he gets on Moesha everybody hates on him for playing a pseudo-thug. I always wondered why we tend to spew hate-age at people for playing characters we don’t believe. They are characters…actors. Maybe it was the continued nepotism. I don’t know, but that isn’t his fault. Poor Ray J is just trying to become somebody when nobody thinks he can.

But then he did the unthinkable? What did he do?

Well, he had a hit single with the Lil Kim assisted “Waitaminute” from interesting album It’s Not A Game. And don’t nobody better not act like they weren’t feeling that song. Neptunes on the track, Lil Kim on the mic, and Ray J doing his best horrible singing impression. The problem was the video. Okay, I’ll admit, once again he was trying to hard to seem cool. And that is a problem he’s had, but he’s also been trying to come into his own. People hate for him trying to seem cool and give off this semi “down” persona when truth be told, he’s done his stint in the streets. Little do we know, Ray J has done some dirt.

Because of our continued hate, Ray J ends up further trying to figure out his place by running with Suge Knight.

Yes, that Suge Knight.

Why am I telling you all of this? It’s to illustrate the fact that though we hate on him for his pseudo-thug image, he has at some point done things that would qualify any other individual with some credibility. But no, we blame him for being Brandy’s brother and attempting to come from under her shadow. That is not fair. Yes he’s corny, but that inner cornball comes from trying to prove to us, the masses, that he does have something to offer. All youth’s go through points where they don’t know where they are and lash out and rebel in attempts to find their own personal security.

Ray J is no different. The only problem is, nobody wants to give him any credit because he’s the younger brother of somebody we now equally hate on, Brandy.

Is it his fault that he had to find a way to get noticed? No, it’s not. Ray J was going to be hated on regardless. Nothing he could have done would be good enough. But I’m saying give him a chance. For instance, he just released his third album, Raydiation. And you know what, it’s quality. He seems a little more humbled now than on previous attempts. Even in interviews, he isn’t trying to sound like a thugged out playboy. No, he’s just Ray J and he wants his music to speak for him.

The question is then, can it? What is different?

Well, on his newest album he experiments with his vocals a little bit more. And wouldn’t you know? He can sing. I’m not saying he’s Luther, but he has some vocal range. The songwriting is good enough and the music is downright good. Does he try to hard, well, yes, on a few songs where he has guest appearances from the likes of pissboy R. Kelly, Fat Joe, and other random folks. Yet, the songs where its just him singing…well, it’s some quality. But nobody wants to give him a chance because it’s Ray J.

Ray J went through phases that everybody goes through. And he’s had to grow. Usher and Kanye are some of the cockiest bastards on the planet and have heads bigger than the Goodyear Blimp, yet we purchase their music in droves.

Okay, bad example, their musical track records are good.

Hmm…I can’t make any excuses to purchase the album except to say its quality. There are 8 songs, count’em 8, that are worth having on your iPod. His identity issues are common to us all, yet we hold him to a higher standard because of his sister.

Can a brother grow? I say, can he grow?

Ladies and gentleman, I’m not here today to get you to purchase more Ray J music, I’m here to ask you to give him a chance. He cannot be faulted for going through what any young man or woman goes thru on course to figure himself out. Such is life. Yes he’s corny, but so many teen stars are. See B2K, Omarion, Marques Houston. Ray J has seemingly let go of a lot of that thug like non-sense that he knew wasn’t him, and started to become more of Ray J, a dude who wants to be somebody. He’s turned in a quality album, grown up, and come into his own.

What more can we ask for? All he wants is a chance.

Thank you.

I rest my case.

***For your listening pleasure, I will be adding Ray J’s newest album, Raydiation, to the wjgt radio at 106.3fm, later this evening. ***

You know, every now and then I get this benevolent feeling in my heart that convinces me to give a chance to something that I otherwise wouldn’t consider. Such found me in front of my television on Monday night watching the season premiere’s of UPN’s lineup of television shows.

And by the way, I apologize for watching UPN. Except on this Thursday when Everybody Hates Chris premieres, which better be good with as much promotion as it’s been getting. Shoot, had Jay-Z given Memphis Bleek this kind of promotion, Bleek might have sold more than 1,000 copies of landmark drink coaster 534.

And since I’ve totally taken a tangent here, why not take one more? Cool?? Cool. On Kanye West’s “Diamonds From Sierra Leone (Remix)” Jay posits, “I’ve sold kilos of coke, I’m guessing I can sell CD’s.”

You sure can Jay! Your CD’s. As in Jay-Z albums. Your track record sucks with other artists. I don’t think Young Gunz, Bleek, Rihanna, or Tearra Mari have gone Gold combined. And the fact that Mariah Carey is pushing something like 4 million units doesn’t necessarily count since she’s, well, Mariah and was on the label well before Jay got there. Young Jeezy too. Hmmm…scratch that, according to Billboard, Pretty Ricky (yes THAT Pretty Ricky) is selling more than Young Jeezy which defies ALL rules of logic. Granted, they’ve been on the charts a few weeks longer but how is that even remotely possible??

Oh yeah.

Grind With Me…slooooooooooooooooooow grind!

Got to admit it’s catchy. And to complete the murder, I like Ray J’s new song “One Wish”.

Yes, that Ray J, who has an album in stores right now entitled Raydiation.

*cough*which*cough*I*cough*have*cough*

It hurts when you boo.

Let’s get back to business, bitches. One On One, All Of Us, Girlfriends, and Half & Half.

UPN…it’s time to let all of these shows go. Yes, even Girlfriends, a show that I found myself thoroughly enjoying at some point. Though I had to often wonder how they managed to make Joan’s appearance an integral part of the weekly plot. You just never knew what you were going to get with her. Sometimes fine, sometimes assmunch ugly. Unpredictability is often a benchmark of success, but geez Louise, when she was off, she was WAAAAAAAAAY off.

Anyway, every one of these shows has managed to find its way into total asstasticness right now. I’ve come to the conclusion that NONE of the writers for these shows thought they’d have a job for more than two seasons, tops. So they wrote shows that could easily end after the second season. The only problem was that they were extended and then the writers had to come up with new ideas. So what did they do?? Came up with ideas that not only didn’t work, but were horribly planned and executed.

For instance…on One and One, which features Flex Alexander and that little girl from Love & Basketball, Brianna (L&B Girl) just graduated from high school and is on her way to Cali for acting school. Well, her boyfriend comes with her and they move into a house with like 5 other folks, one of whom happens to be Ray J (Raydiation, in stores now…I’m trying to Jedi Mind Trick you into purchasing it). Maybe it’s just me, but anytime Ray J comes into the picture, its never a good thing. But also, the story can’t go that much further. The concept of One On One was about the relationship between the father and daughter. Hmmm…he lives in Baltimore and she lives in LA now. So what happens next? He stays in LA now “for a few weeks” clearly leaving his job behind in Baltimore…for a few weeks. So they had to come up with a new way to recreate the concept of the show in LA…aww fuck it.

It’s just bad.

The show All Of Us just offends me now. It’s a show about a family trying to make it after a divorce when a kid and new fiancee involved. And I’ll admit, the show wasn’t half bad before and the multiple scenes with Elise Neal (with her fine ass) and the newly married Lisa Raye (with her supremely fine ass) made it worth watching…last season that is. Last season ended with Robert (Duane Martin) quitting his job to go back and work with his boy Dirk (Tony Rick…Chris’ brother…Everybody Hates Chris, Thursday…DJ Clue…Clue-minati…2005…), and then they both quit their jobs, Tia (Elise Neal) is pregnant and they are about to get married.

Good segue into the next season if you ask me. Well since they didn’t ask me, they decided that the best thing to do would be to undo all that potential and go the TOTAL opposite route. Contract dispute? Who knows? But Elise Neal is outta there. So how do they explain this to us? In the first five minutes this conversation happens. Come take a listen.

All Of Us Season Premier-Opening Sequence
Robert: Man, just five months ago I was engaged to Tia, she was pregnant, and I had just quit my job.

Dirk: Yeah, who would have known that she wasn’t really pregnant and you two would have ended the engagement and you’d still be unemployed. But you still have a fine ass ex wife who’d I’d bang in a heartbeat.

Okay, I made up the last line, but you get the drift. They just totally tried to create a whole new show in a 2 minute conversation. That offended me. I’m like, whats the point of the show if you remove the fiancee? The premise of the show was making it as a non-traditional family. And since I clearly don’t know what that means, the ex-wife’s house burns down and she moves BACK IN. I mean, I liked seeing Lisa Raye damn near naked but now they’re just being dumb.

Like I said, they had no idea where to go with that show so they said fuck it. In fact, I’ll bet they just wrote that script the day before taping.

Girlfriends?? It’s been getting worse and more and more goofified, especially Joan. But I’ll reserve total judgement. Let’s just say that it’s also starting to leave something to be desired.

And Half&Half was never that good a show though I’ll admit I enjoy it. Mostly because I find the two daughters to be attractive and Big DeeDee deserves an award for her performances on that show every week. But guess what they did to throw us a curveball.

Any idea??

None?

You don’t watch UPN???

Welp…THEY ADDED A BLOG.

Yes, Mona the oldest frizzy haireded slightly thicker sister decided that she’s gonna get her Doogie Howser on. Does anybody else realize that Doogie was really the first blogger??

Either way, at the beginning and end of the show, she’s sitting there in her blogger’s stance, ready to type her newly learned lesson of the day.

Kill.

Me.

All of this, I can’t even get Kevin Hill back.

To me it seems like these UPN shows just aren’t going anywhere and are headed there fast. All of them left something to be desired but now they’re just relying on cornball storylines and ridiculous twists in hopes of just keeping the shows going.

I’ll be surprised if any of these shows last past next season.

Question of The Day: Since I know everybody watches Laguna Beach, who’s better…LC or Kristin? I’m an LC man myself. She’s hot. Kristin just annoys me.

Ante up.

Welcome to the start of the beginning. Today, and on some future days, JGT Enterprises will be blessed with guest entries from folks who have something to say. Some may come from folks you know, others will be from total strangers both to me and you…but still with something they wanted to say.

…Alastacia Maria-Maria Lopez.

*******

Who is more trusting in a relationship… men? or Women? That is the question that was posed to me today.

Well this is an easy one… I mean it’s obviously the woman right? Let’s think about this.

A woman will hold shit DOWN!!! She will be at home… scrubbing, dusting, washing, ironing, folding, cooking breakfast, packing lunch and preparing dinner while her man “works late” and goes out of town on “business trips.” So her TRUST MUST be looong.

A woman will IGNORE shit!!! Like the obvious, allll the signs, the warnings of all her friends and even HER OWN INTUITION! So her TRUST MUST be deeeeeep.

A woman is ACCEPTING. She will accept lame excuses, tired explanations, biased character references, weak alibis, feeble apologies AND consolation gifts. So her TRUST MUST be seeeerious.

A woman is UNDERSTANDING. She will understand the lipstick on his clothes, the perfume on his skin, his sudden lack of interest in sex and his extra-defensive behavior. The only reason?? Her trust, her longer, deeper, seeerious trust, for her man.

Right???

Well if you read through this nodding your head, I hate to break it to you… but you’re WRONG!!!

Listen up men… and please listen good.

You ever wonder why, or HOW a woman can take your cheating ass back? You think it’s because she’s stupid? Or maybe you think the dick is JUST that good? Maybe it’s because you have such GREAT spin tactics and can get out of any situation? Nope. Umm… not quite. It’s more like she never trusted yo’ trifling ass in the first place.

Don’t let the screaming, yelling and questions like, “How could you do this to me?” fool you. Sure the initial SHOCK of the realization that you ACTUALLY tried to play her will elicit some tears and possibly some outrageous behavior and some crazy threats… but please know that when she finds out… she’s not really all that surprised. Cuz allll along, in the back of her mind, through all the movies and the matinee plays and Christmas presents and surprise birthday parties and walks on the beach and hour long pillow talks and the dinner parties and conversations with your mother, and the great sex and romantic evenings by the fire… her ass was just wondering WHEN she was gonna have to deal with yo’ shit.

Ladies, ya’ll know this shit is TRUE!!!

*disbelieving smirk for nay-sayers*

Okay, okay, women, if it’s not true then answer this. Have you EVER, seen an unfamiliar number on your caller ID and answered the phone READY with an attitude? And got even FLY-ER when the caller was a woman whose voice you didn’t recognize??? On your CELL PHONE??? Well why? Why? Why???

Why? I’ll tell you why. Cuz you are READY for the drama to begin. Just waiting it out, ready for that other shoe to drop. The shoe you think is inevitable.

And men… your perfect woman? She’s laughing and smiling and telling you how much she loves you and wants to be with you and how she will ride or die with you – but please don’t EVER believe, no matter what she might say, that deep in her little heart, she actually trusts you. I mean she might leave her pocketbook in the room with you alone, or leave her good silverware out when you come to visit, but please believe that she is marking everything you say down and storing that shit in her mental Rolodex, archiving it away for a time she has to recall it.

“Oh, so NOW you went to Miami with Cedric huh? Hmmph well on July 6, 1998, you said you went with Darnell. And I remember it was July 6th because we were having Quintesia’s birthday party and I had on that yellow dress… the one where the zipper was always sticking??? And I remember you said Darnell because after you said it, I asked if Darnell’s wife went because I was trying to picture that fat bitch in a bathing suit. I remember that shit like it was yesterday. So which is it? Did you go with Cedric, or Darnell?”

Sound familiar? Sound like a woman that actually TRUSTS you??? Please.

A woman thinks, “Cheat on me??? Mm-hmm… WHEN will he? Let me find just ONE stray phone number, or one long ass strand of hair in his car. I SWEAR I’mma be ready to wreck shop.” Women don’t trust yo’ asses at all.

Which brings me to the flip side of the coin.

Ladies… you ever wonder why a man can fuck everything on two feet, cry and plead and beg you to stay when you find out (because you ALWAYS will find out *rolling eyes* ) yet the INSTANT he so much as SUSPECTS that you are unfaithful he WALKS??? Leaves yo’ ass high and dry without so much as a blink of the eye???

You might think it’s because men don’t love as hard, or they are wired differently, they’re more logical, less emotional than women… or the myriad of other reasons I’ve heard. But nope. Not so. It’s because… come closer… a little closer…. *whispering* THEY actually TRUSTED you.

And let me clarify that shit just a little bit, because I don’t want you women to think that men trust you because of the representative you introduce them to when you were first dating (because we ALL have our representatives out there in front for the first few months or so… just on our SUPER best behavior). No, don’t get it twisted, the trust they genuinely feel has little or nothing to do with you. I mean, not really. Yeah, of course your representative plays a part in whether or not he deems you to be wife material in the first place… but the TRUST he feels? Yeah, that’s so not you. That is due primarily to his extra-large, king-sized, outrageously huge… EGO.

A man thinks… “Cheat on ME??? Hmmph, WHY??? I pay the bills (or whatever), I take care of HER and my kids, I’m a great father, I remember her birthday, our anniversary, I keep the toilet seat down AND… (and this is where a lot of men are completely delusional) I dick her down WELL and often enough so that she is COMPLETELY satisfied. She has NOTHING to stray for. NO REASON to cheat. None whatsoever. Plus her representative is not that kind of woman. I got a good girl.”

Ahhh men, gotta love their simplicity.

But see ladies, THAT is why it’s so devastating. Because deep down… in his little simple mind… in his heart, in his soul… he truly believed you. Well his ego did.

His ego believed that you’d only slept with 3 men before him. His ego believed that you thought his dick was CLEARLY (X, 2005) a sign of the second coming. His ego believed that you had never given head before your wedding night, because you were “saving something special” for your husband. His ego believed that you never had an orgasm before he came on the scene. His ego believed that it was alcohol that made you able to deep throat him like Pepa did that damn banana the other night on Surreal Life. His ego believed that it was the weed that let you take it up the ass like a champ.

You’re a fabulous wife and a superb mother and that undoubtedly means that it isn’t possible for you…

…his Wonder Woman who’s home, scrubbing, dusting, washing, ironing, folding, cooking breakfast, packing lunch and preparing dinner while he “works late” and goes out of town on “business trips;” ignoring allll the signs, the warnings of all your friends and even your OWN intuition; accepting lame excuses, tired explanations, biased character references, weak alibis, feeble apologies and consolation gifts; “understanding” the lipstick on his clothes, the perfume on his skin, his sudden lack of interest in sex and his extra-defensive behavior… his good girl…

…to EVER even THINK about fucking another man. The realization of your infidelity devastated him… truly devastated him and this made his prompt departure from the relatioship MANDATORY. Because neither he, his gi-normous/hu-gantic ego, nor Lemony Snicket himself, could have foreseen this series of most unfortunate events.

Men… and their egos… undoubtedly the more trusting in a relationship.

*******

Alastacia Maria-Maria Lopez is a freelance stripper from the Lower East Side of Omaha by way of Bulgaria. She enjoys rabbits and all things that make you go hmmm. Alastacia would like to end world hunger and strip for humanity.

So the stories aren’t all real…who knew?

What it do…what tha bizness is??

Word on the street PJ known to handle his.

Bitch get ya mind right…

Welcome to another edition of wjgt radio at 106.3fm. I’m your host DJ PJ.

Aw skip it.

Myself and the good folks at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises have decided that we’re going to make Friday’s the day for a new playlist here at jacksongtickle.com.

Why?

Because we’re sexxy enough to do that. And more importantly, me, Panama “The Most Muhf***in’” Jackson is without a doubt the sexxiest mofo lodown around this town.

Sho’ nuff.

Either way, on this edition of wjgt radio’s friday morning smack it up flip and rub it down show, we have the playlist for a post I actually wrote in March entitled, My Mama’s Music, Volume 1: Music That Moves You.

A while back I decided that I wanted to start putting together compilation CD’s since I have more than a few CD’s and more than enough time on my hands. Well I decided that since the best music was made during the time when my mother actually appreciated the music, I’d call it My Mama’s Music and make it series. Well, laziness ensued and I stopped at 2 cd’s. This one, that’s up now, and the version with more upbeat picnic, outside in the summer time songs.

Since I wrote about this before, I won’t give a write up of the songs, just know these joints are like butter baby, it’s like sugar y’all.

For those people that have personally requested I make them a copy and send it…umm…it’s in the mail.

Kind of…

Anywho, go check it out, it makes for some good Friday music and you can even pretend you got some soul when you get home and tell your man/woman/dog/cactus that you just realized the perfect song to describe them and it has always been your favorite and just pick one from the list. Even if you’ve never heard it before.

Look out in the next few weeks for some shows entitled Heard It All Before: Songs That Inspired Others AKA Samples Galore, which will be one of my personal favorites, and Because I Love You: Girl This Is About You. Also, some guest radioblogs are going to be coming as I know quite a few people who want to drop some playlists and eventually, I’ll be adding my own songs on here. Yes, Panama has been in the studio recording songs and even has one that includes shoutouts of some of the very bloggers I frequent.

It’s not a game.

As for the guest bloggers, those are coming up too (if you still want to get down just holla at a playa on IM or email for the rules stipulations and Cognac). And we have some fun in store with those. The good folks at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises decided that its time to have some damn fun up in our corporate offices by bringing in some extra help.

Fun…is our middle name. You know, right after Muhfuckin’.

In fact, my new name is Mr. Panama “The Most Muhf***in’ Fun” Jackson AKA Mr. I Can Make You Famous AKA Sweetlips McGraw AKA U. Donwani WiMi.

Recognize bitches, recognize.

Playlist (As It shows up on the radioblog) for:

My Mama’s Music: Music That Moves You

1. The Flamingos-I Only Have Eyes For You
2. Force MD’s-Tender Love
3. Jermaine Jackson-Castles of Sand
4. Earf, Win, ‘n Fiyah-Reasons
5. The Gap Band-Yearning For Your Love
6. Donny Hathaway and Roberta Flack-Be Real Black For Me
7. Barry White-I’ve Got So Much To Give
8. Marvin Gaye and Diana Ross-Stop, Look, Listen (To Your Heart)
9. ConFunkShun-Straight From The Heart
10. Creative Source-I’d Find You Anywhere
11. Marvin and Diana-Just Say, Just Say
12. Bobby Womack-Woman’s Gotta Have It
13. Debra Laws-Very Special
14. Patrice Rushen-When I Found You
15. Lenny Williams-Because I Love You
16. Love Unlimited Orchestra-Walking In The Rain

Mysteriously Missing: Chaka Khan-Love Me Still

Heads will roll…but enjoy!

[***Administrative Note: I'm going to be having some guest bloggers come thru here and bless da God with some featured verses...umm...I mean I'm going to have some guest posters over the next few weeks sharing and caring...and caring and sharing...since sharing is caring. Just a note. If you want to be a guest poster, email me. I'm always up for some entertainment. ***]

As usual, everyday I peruse the daily news sites for the most up to date headlines and news stories. For the most part, the news is filled with stories of the damage done by Hurricane Katrina and the total failure of government, on all levels, and the ensuing fingerpointing and whatnot.

Well yesterday, a poll was released that indicated the racial divide in the perceptions of the relief efforts. As was expected, the perception of the the aftermath of the hurricane pretty much broke down right along racial lines. For instance, 60% of black people polled felt that the government was slow in its rescue attempts because the majority of the citizens were black, whereas only 12.5% of white folks felt that way. Further, 37% of black folks polled felt that Bush was to blame, whereas only 15% of white folks felt that way.

And the capper: does Bush really care about Black people?? A full 67% of white people think that Bush does indeed care, which I can only assume is based on all of the wonderful choices and decisions that Bush has been a party to that have made it better to be black everywhere…

…whereas 21% of black folks think Bush does care, which would be all of the black people (including a lot of church folks) that voted for Bush back in November who decided that since Kerry couldn’t be trusted to handle situations delicate to black existence, like abortion, since our teenage girls can’t quit popping out them kids, and gay marriage since God personally told Bush and everybody else that gay’s indeed shouldn’t be allowed to exist…er, I mean, get married.

I’m of the school of thought of some comedian I heard. Straight people have been screwing up marriage for years, its about time we give somebody else a shot.

Feel free to read the article to see the rest of the poll findings.

The bottom line here is this, black people and white folks interpretation is at odds here.

And it isn’t exactly a shocker. Hell, I’d wager that 6 times out of 10, if the option of race comes up as a problem, a white person will tell you that race isn’t a factor at all. For some reason, and I clearly don’t understand this, white people honestly feel like race doesn’t matter anymore. I almost find it comical since for damn near every situation where race can play a role, it does. Thing is, its usually in white folks favor with the sole exception of being a white dude in a black neighborhood at the wrong time of night.

That’s never in white people’s favor because police just can’t get there fast enough. And we’re faster than white people. The breeding of strong black bucks during slavery ensured that one will last eons.

The funny shit about race is that white people don’t understand why we, and that we means black folks, get stuck on questions of race so much. But if you look at the poll…

“Half of all whites said people who broke into stores and took things were mostly criminals. Only 16 percent of blacks agreed, with 77 percent saying the looters were mostly desperate people trying to find a way to survive.” -from CNN poll

Fact is, race plays such an important part because more than half the time, black people can see the blatant differences in treatment, to include the recent media uproar about the way “looters” were being portrayed depending on color, and shit like that happens often. I’m not even sure its always intentional, just moreso ingrained into the fabric of our perceptions about each other’s race. Blacks are stereotyped and viewed downwards and white folks are always given the benefit of the doubt.

Hell half the time when reading a news article or seeing a story on TV you can tell if the perpetrators are black or white, just from the tone and consequences…

…like this.

Police Find 8 Ohio Kids Locked in Cages

So apparently some parents in Ohio didn’t feel like locking their kids in an attic, basement, or even their room was the lastest trend. Nope, locking 8 of their 11 kids in cages in the back yard was their poison.

These kids were aged 1 to 14 and all adopted or foster children.

So far so good. No hints of color, though the cage thing kind of tipped my hat that these people were white. Black folks just beat the shit out of our kids and make them watch shit like Party of 5 reruns to show what could happen if they don’t act right.

Ah…here we go. Here is what Lt. Randy Sommers of the Huron County Sheriff’s Office had to say. Take a gander:

“Basically, the parents thought they were providing for the protection of the children from themselves and from each other,” said Sommers.

“They thought there was circumstances with these children that warranted the cages at night,” Sommers added, but he would not go into details of what those circumstances were.

Umm…the fuck??? That’s the most understanding motherfucking police officer ever. Shit, he almost sounds like he sees the logic and agrees that maybe, just maybe, these little kids need to be in cages.

Those damn kids need protection from themselves and others. Though putting kids in cages isn’t going to protect them from each other now is it? Or lyme disease or mosquitos or cold or just any old disease? Maybe I’m wrong there. But I’d really like that cop to stop me when I’m doing 90 in a 55 MPH zone.

And if that isn’t proof that these folks are white and that white folks get different treatment, then this paragraph is:

“Police said no charges had been filed against the parents.”

That right there is proof positive of what I’m talking about. The parents picture wasn’t even shown. Let this have been Shalondraniqua and Jesse from Cleveland. Their pictures would have been all over the damn article.

No charges filed???

Hmm…this sounds like neglect to me. If this was black folks, their asses would have been in jail 10 minutes after the cops found out the kids were in cages.

And this is the shit I’m talking about right here. White people wonder why we think race is everywhere?? Because it is. The shit plays out in everything that it can. Perception, action, effort…it’s everywhere. White people expect black folks to get over it and I know some black people who think we should get over race too.

Umm…fuck you if you think that. And I actually really mean that.

Until I can’t read a newspaper article and determine without seeing a single picture the color of a person, or until there is some equality in treatment in all situations, or until black people in one of the poorest cities in America aren’t being turned away after having lost everything, I’m playing the race card.

Affirmative action…I’m like Lil Webbie, gimme that. And until white America can accept the fact that race does indeed permeate everything black people will still be talking and making noise about it.

And as long as polls validate what we are feeling and proving what we are all thinking, white America cannot run from the fact that they play the largest part in shaping race relations.

And if white America doesn’t want to hear that??

That’s what we have Jesse and Al Sharpton for.

Welcome to the first real installment of WJGT Radio at 106.3FM on yo’ innanet dial. Today I bring you the first edition of the:

Yes, I Own These Albums Show…And Some Other Sexxiness!

Two X’s all day baby…two X’s.

*cue laugh track*

I’m your inhouse disc jockey, DJ PJ.

For future reference and for all those individuals who are just locationally challenged, the dial for WJGT radio can be found by looking at the right side of this page, then scrolling down a little to the part that says WJGT radio and clicking on the show.

It’s that simple! You TOO can be cool like the kids slapping the shit out of the 9 year old nerd with the bifocals.

Today I’m going to be taking you back to some songs you don’t even remember forgetting and some songs you won’t be able to believe were ever really popular and that you LOVED!!! And yes, some of these songs still bang like Ricky Martin, even though he was referring to a woman we all know Ricky Martin was just covering up for the fact that he bangs.

Ladies and gentlemen, even everybody’s favorite singing gangstas, D.R.S., make an appearance.

Who???

Mike Jones.

I mean D.R.S.

The Dirty Rotten Scoundrels who made everybody take a “Gangsta Lean” in the earl ’90s.

Without further ado, let’s get into the action and talk a little bit about the songs and artists featured.

The Yes I Own These Albums Show presents…

1) Young & Restless B-Girls

“B stand for Bronco, BMW, Benz, bass…”

Two dudes from Miami who are probably washing the cars of the women they were talking about now, but man was this song one for the ages. Isn’t it a damn shame what OJ did to Bronco sales??

Broncos go down the hooooooooooole. (Shoutouts to Plucky Duck from Tiny Toons for the memorable lines!)

2) Wilson Phillips Hold On

Fuck you, I love Wilson Phillips. Hell, I sing along to their songs on elevators and in CVS. They spit that hot fiyah like Dylan in his prime. And if you just hold on, for one more day…the government will STILL take its time getting to you.

Fuckers.

3) Sam Salter There You Are

Nobody outside of Atlanta might remember this guy, but for a good two weeks, he was popular. So what did I do?? Bought the CD single and yes I love this song. Damn shame dude is like 5′2″…with Tims on. Can somebody tell me why the more successful artists in the music realm don’t tend to be very tall?? Somebody should send that shit into Unsolved Mysteries.

4) Queen Pen Party Ain’t A Party

Honestly, I don’t want to talk about it. Ole shitty ass CD.

5) Nicole Wrae Make It Hot

Before she was talking about being your girlfriend, she was working with Timbaland and Missy making that hot music. No pun intended. This came out in 1998 and I loved it just as much then as I do now. Too bad nobody else gives a shit.

No really…nobody does.

6) Newcleus Jam On It

Classic shit. Just utterly classic. Throw this song on at a party and everybody over 40 will know exactly what to do. Fuck that…make that 35 and over.

7) Ideal Get Gone

“you betta leave…me alone…get your bags…get the hell on”

You all might not remember them, but I do. They created the perfect ‘get the fuck out’ song. Too bad nobody cared after their first song and that they were uglier than four Craig Macks. Sheesh.
Fu-Schnikens La Schmoove

Shaq’s hanging buddies. And Phife from Tribe loved them too evidenced by his cameo on this song. Living proof that novelties are just that…novelties. Their backwords fast paced rapping was pointless once people realized, hey…they can’t actually rap!!

Fuschniken dodes!

9) Domino Ghetto Jam

Shiiiiiiiiiiiit…I still love this. It’s the ghetto jam. Hell, I might need to throw a BBQ at a park JUST so I can play this outloud in public.

10) DRS Gangsta Lean

“this is foooooor my homieeeeeeeeeez…you know I miiiiiiiss you yeah you know I missss you yeaaaaaaaaaah, see you when I get there…in that gangsta lean, thaaat gangsta lee-eee-ean”

I’m pouring out some Evian for my homies right now. What?? I’m at work.

11) DJ Magic Mike & the Vicious Base Drop The Bass

Some classic Miami bass music. This that 808 knock for dat azz. You know, music was just fun back then. You could even let your parents listen to it!! True, they had no clue what you were talking about but still. Tomorrow’s parents are going to know all about flipping birds and Jacob The Jeweler.

I love rap.

12) Color Me Badd I Wanna Sex You Up

I still remember the first time I heard this song. It was at a track meet in like 6th grade. I felt guilty just for listening but man was this song great. Speaking of which, the rumors that Christopher Williams is dead are false. Apparently Nino Brown is still out there committing crimes.

New Jack City bitches!!

If you don’t know who Nino Brown is…you are dead to me.

13) Brownstone If You Love Me

How many folks know they were signed to Michael Jackson’s label?? Personally my joint was Grapevyne, but I went with this since, hell, I have no reason. Just wait til I drop that Jade on that azz.

You do remember Jade right?

14) Black Box Everybody Everybody

Some English Black woman decides to attempt to uplift the world with a song about everybody. I’ll be damned if it was like a Casey Kasem top 40 hit for months. Honestly, I don’t even know what the song is about. Let’s pretend its about love.

15) Biv 10 Pee Wee All Stars Sumthing Terrible
In the contest to see who can create better child stars, Jermaine Dupri busted Michael Bivins’ ass. However, I still purchased this album for some reason, so I decided to delight you all with a bunch of 12 and unders rapping and proving that they were sumthing terrible. They also need to go to school. They misspelled “sumthing”.

16) B-Rocc And The Biz My Baby Daddy

This song right here, is responsible for the downfall of the black community. This shit RIGHT HERE spawned the most overused and commonly accepted term in the ghetto vernacular. I actually heard a student at my school tell her boyfriend that in a convo with her momma, she told her mother that she wanted him to be her baby daddy.

You know what he said??

“For real????? You mean it??”

Shoot. Me.

17) Apache Gangsta Bitch

How fitting a transition, huh? His only hit and I’m like the only person who still owns this album and bought it when it dropped. Ironically, did you know that Q-Tip from Tribe produced this? Me neither, til last night. This and MC Lyte’s song Ruff Neck were dark spots on the dating scene for educated negroes. Luckily we have Kanye to return education to glory.

Oh wait…

***

There you have it. The first “Yes I own these albums show.” Tune in next time for more shit you ain’t even know you forgot about.

[***I've added Little Brother's first critically acclaimed album, The Listening, to the playlist over there at WJGT Radio (which can be found by looking at the right of the screen under WJGT Radio, graduate). For some reason, my radio blog puts the songs in reverse order. Methinks I got a bug or a roach or something. Either way check out the album, its quality hiphop music and go pick up their second album, The Minstrel Show, on September 13th. ***]

Oh I’m SO done now.

There is a rumor circulating (and assuming its true and bears credence, one that BET has yet to put out an official press release disputing though this really isn’t even making a ripple anywhere, maybe because its BET and nobody cares) that the executives at BET won’t be playing the video for Little Brother’s first single “Lovin’ It” because it’s “too intelligent.”

Too intelligent??

Somebody.

Kill.

Me.

First the Fat Boys break up…now this.

Wait, wait, wait, I see a bunch of folks looking around wondering, who the hell is biship, and why hasn’t he been called to trial?

Er…I mean who is Little Brother? Sorry, I been listening to Wyclef’s The Carnival again.

*crickets*

Right. I know a lot of people out there have no clue who that is but many people on the underground hiphop circuit have been singing their praises for years, to include myself. Little Brother is a hip-hop group out of Raleigh, NC, who specialize in good music. Their first album, The Listening (which I might put up on the radio blog as a kind of intro for folks that don’t know), was heavily praised by ?uestlove from the legendary Roots crew and Pete Rock.

*still more crickets*

The producer for the group, 9th Wonder, produced the song “Threats” on Jay-Z’s Black Album and produced the songs “Girl” and “Is She The Reason?” on Destiny’s Child’s swan song Destiny Fulfilled.

OH!!!

*still more crickets and now we got a praying mantis sighting*

Forget it, it’s not important, but go pick up their album on September 13th anyway. It’s called The Minstrel Show.

Let’s focus on the total, utter ignorance of BET…and yes, those two words do go hand in hand, but still, DAMN. BET, purveyor of all things educational and worthy of black notice, might have put the proverbial nail in the coffin for me.

Even though I’ve written off BET long ago as one of the most useless networks in existence, and save the reruns of Martin, TVOne is pretty pointless too, I was always of the belief that one day, just one day, maybe BET would realize that its programming and show ideas have, for lack of a better word, sucked. I always hoped that the executives would all come together and say, “you know what, this can’t be what BET has come to. We just can’t show Prison Song one more time, it’s already come on 2,786 times. And if I have to watch Fire and Ice one more time, I’ll kill all of you.”

I always kind of hoped it would turn around and be a station that had some intrinsic value to the black community. Something?!!? It’s BET. Black Entertainment Television. To me that means providing quality entertainment relevant to black people of all backgrounds…to include black people that read.

But now, fuck it…burn all the buildings, fire all the staff, and just put some loud annoying unending beep on the channel that houses BET.

Assuming this rumor is true, and given the fact that it is BET, I’m just not ready to dismiss the rumor, BET has finally admitted what they think that we’ve assumed all along.

To BET, black people don’t want or aren’t ready for anything that might actually cause thought outside of the box.

And let’s be clear about something hear. I’ve heard and seen the video for “Lovin’ It”. We’re not talking about a song that incites you to read Chaucer or Shakespeare. Hell, it’s just a party song. So what I assume that BET means by the whole “too intelligent” thing is that Little Brother caters to an audience that they just don’t know how to reach…niggas that read. The audience Little Brother caters to is not the 106&Park crowd, not the 8-17 year olds who only want to hear 50 Cent or Lil Bow Wow. Hell, Little Brother isn’t even the Rap City crowd anymore since Rap City plays the same videos that come on 106&Park now.

Do you mind if I take a tangent? No? Thanks. I remember when Rap City used to be the best place to catch up on real hiphop. At 4pm EST everyday, you could see all the latest underground hiphop and see videos of up and coming new rap acts. Between Yo!MTV Raps and Rap City, one could venture into the world of real hiphop. I’m not ready to get into a dialogue on what real hiphop means today, as to me, it’s just one of those things you know when you see it…similar to Little Brother. It’s a damn shame what Rap City has devolved into. The Rap City Top 10 is damn near the same as the 106&Park Countdown. They just replace the R&B songs with R&B sounding rap songs.

Back to the lecture at hand. This whole situation, assuming its true, begs a better question. What exactly does BET think of its patrons if they are willing to deem a video “too intelligent” or are unable to figure out where to run a video?? I’m inclined to believe that BET ultimately thinks its patrons aren’t too bright or would be unable to appreciate something that deviates from the norm. Essentially, BET caters to the braindead.

And yes, if you watch BET, that means you. I stopped watching BET (except for the BET Awards) when I took the blue pill and left The Matrix. Besides, MTV is WAY more entertaining I mean have you SEEN Laguna Beach??

Hmmm…mayhaps that was too much information.

Yeah…where were we?

Oh yes! BET has decided, and it didn’t take them not playing a video that abstracts from the norm to discern this, that if the artist doesn’t pack mainstream appeal (such as your Kanye’s, Jay’s, LL’s, or talking about bling, bitches, and bentleys) then there is no place for them on BET. I guess they aren’t black entertainment. Or maybe, they’re just not the kind of black entertainment BET believes black folks are capable of understanding or enjoying.

You know the biggest shame in all of this?? BET could really be a station of amazing impact. And I won’t even say that they haven’t tried and I understand its a business. They are competing for advertising dollars, and aren’t getting any, evidenced by the fact that there is a whole day which features nothing even remotely consistant with black entertainment (Sunday). I don’t know who to blame for that but good gotdamn, BET has really dropped the ball somewhere, be it in their executive choices or business decisions.

BET could honestly be a place where black shows featuring, music, issues, and THOUGHT were present. It’s like they’ve systematically (and intentionally) reduced BET from a place where people who read and aren’t afraid of information could venture to a place where thinking isn’t necessary…hell, it isn’t even wanted. And TVOne is no different. TVOne only exists because people complained about BET and yet they are damn near interchangeable.

That’s why pulling the “too intelligent” card makes sense. Why even put anything that could be deemed challenging. And like I said, the song in question and hell Little Brother, isn’t akin to calculus. They are just better than average rappers who speak to the common man, with better than average production, that when pulled together create great music. Put plainly, it’s entertaining music.

BET has shown what it feels about its patrons, and to borrow a line from an editorial on hiphopsite about this situation, if you watch BET consistantly, you should feel dumb as fuck right now, since BET has indirectly deemed all of its programming to be intended for the simplest of minds.

So to BET, die.

I’d say this is another sad day in BET History, but it almost seems like everyday is a sad day in BET History nowadays.

BET…welcome to the REAL Minstrel Show.

I saw the movie Marci X this weekend. Not a bad movie, but not exactly one I’d recommend anybody to actually spend time watching. Of course, if you’re bored and don’t have anything else to do there are much worse movies you can watch than Marci X like say, well, I can’t really think of any offhand right now but we all know that they are out there lurking like aliens from the outer rings of Saturn or France just watching and waiting for us to slip up so we can be transported to some spaceship, similar to the one Kanye was waiting for, but much more streamlined and sleek with lots of bells and whistles and cappucino machines…

…riiiiiiiiiiight.

Honestly, even I don’t know how my mind goes where it goes sometimes.

Anyway, Marci X. Well, in the movie, Lisa Kudrow stars as the billionaire heiress to a music company mogul who is trying to get Damon Wayans (his name is Dr. S in the movie) to apologize for some of his brash lyrics and shit. Well, they end up dating and the plan is for him to go and apologize for his lyrics at the MTV Music awards.

Well, as Damon Wayans date to the awards show, Lisa Kudrow’s character does what any white woman dating a thugged out black man would do…

…she dresses like an Erykah Badu knockoff.

Say heffa say what???

Yes heffa, that’s what.

She was fully garbed in a headwrap, a kinte cloth wrap dress, some beads, and I could have sworn I saw an African medallion somewhere. Pure and utter non-sense. And it wasn’t offensive or anything, just overdone. Totally overdone.

It got me to thinking about the asstastic mess of a job people do when they’re trying to emulate another culture in attempts to assimilate or show support. And yes, we do a horrible job, regardless of race. This means black people too. This isn’t just a white thing…this spans ALL cultures.

For the life of me, I don’t understand how people can really be so oblivious to the fact that in our attempts to show support or “understanding” of another culture, we completely turn ourselves into caricatures. For instance, when white people try to emulate black culture, have you noticed that they take the most extreme examples of black culture to embrace? I’m talking gold or platinum chains that hang down to their ankles, doo-rags when they have straight hair, hiphop gear that nobody even remotely attached to black culture would wear. Hell, sometimes I think that most companies make “hiphop” clothing specifically for the leagues of white people who want to be cool between the ages of 13-24 and think that “black” culture is the way to go.

And it isn’t like everything is off. It just seems like people take that one extra step that would normally have you falling off a cliff and getting caught by your toenails on a broken bottle of Absolut Vodka hanging out of the side of a mountain.

Let’s not just stop with white people though. Let’s talk about black folks. Yes, black folks who think they are doing a service to Africa by wearing shit African’s wouldn’t be caught dead in. Have you ever noticed how ridiculous a lot of black folks look when they are paying tribute to “mother Africa”?

Me too.

Hell, it offends me sometimes. Throwing on some kinte clothe pants some slippers exposing your flour-powered toes and putting on an “African” hat you purchased from an Arab guy in your local mall doesn’t exhibit support. It exhibits an exhibit of what not to do when trying to show support to your African brothers and sisters, most of whom you’ll never actually meet.

Hmm…I wonder. Has anybody ever thought to ask an African what they would wear at some sort of traditional ceremony at home?? It seems as if the biggest problem we have is that none of us ever ASKS a person of the culture we’re attempting to copy what THEY would wear.

And that includes Africans too.

I’m not sure whose worse in this case, white people or Africans. See, it would seem that Africans get their fashion ideas from the same place white people do.

Television and other white people.

And I’m just not quite sure which shows either of them are watching.

Hmmm…

[***DISCLAIMER: If you are black, white, or African, or hell any other ethnicity/culture, etc. and are offended because I'm talking about you, well, it's your fault for giving me something to talk about. Fuck you. Either be yourself, or get a dressing coach and quit coming out of the house looking like a hot damn mess. It's not my fault you look like pure shit. Kiss my ass and learn how to properly xerox my culture. ***]

Africans that try to dress like black Americans miss the mark so hard you have to wonder where they were shooting. It’s the same problem white people have, and its the same problem black Americans have when trying to be more “African.”

Sometimes I just want to jackslap everybody.

For some reason, in our attempts to show support we end up mocking the very thing we want to support. How dumb is that? Thats why I don’t wear anything traditionally African now. Hell, I don’t want to walk outside and offend an African. A few weeks ago I bought a shirt that says “I (Heart) Afrikan People.”

Hmmm…

It was a good idea when I bought it. Then I thought about it, even wore it once, and felt a whole lot of weird because I’m not African. Well, not in the traditional sense. I’m clearly of African descent.

[***Panamanian Sidenote: So my mother is from France and my father is a black man from Alabama, and his mother is a Native American. Like a real one, not like some folks who will tell you they 1/72 of Indian blood in them. You know what that makes me?? American like a muhfucka. Black+White-European+Native American=American. ***]

But the fact is, wearing a shirt that says I Love African People isn’t exactly showing love, it feels more like a mockery. I can wear a shirt talking about I love Black people because well…I’m a black dude. I associate with black people. African people view me as black. Basically, to me its like a white person wearing a shirt that says I Love Black People. The right sentiments might be there, but truth be told, it almost looks like a slap in the face. That’s some shit you say after you say something ignorant to attempt to cover your tracks.

And I’m ignorant…so I know what you say when trying to cover your tracks.

I keed I keed.

Hmm…there doesn’t seem to be an appropriate time to do this so I’ll just do it here since we’re talking about ignorant. I’d like to send an extra special, and I must clear my throat for this, FUCK YOU, out to Mike Brown, the head of FEMA, who managed to BLAME THE VICTIMS OF HURRICANE KATRINA for not getting out of New Orleans. What kind of ignant muhfucka blames people who have lost everything and couldn’t leave for their own demise? When asked about the poor people who couldn’t manage to get out, this asshole says that we can’t blame anybody, we just focus on saving people. Dickhead, you just blamed their fate on them!!

I’d honestly like to slap the living shit out of him for that one.

End rant.

Back to the point here…it’s interesting how in our attempts to show support we often end up mocking other cultures, openly.

What makes it even more fucked up is this. In the movie, Lisa Kudrow dressed up as a stereotypic “down-to-earth soul” sistah, kind of chick. Damon Wayans…was a gansta rapper. That shit doesn’t match. Which highlights another problem. Not only do folks not know what they’re doing…they don’t even know WHEN to not know what they’re doing!

[***PSA: The first season of A Different World will officially be released on DVD on November 8, 2005. Mark your calendars. Martin?? Still nowhere in site. My heart hangs heavy. ***]

So the next time you see a white chick in a headwrap with some Ankh earrings or a black guy wearing a kinte cloth dashiki with a map of the middle passage adorning the front…

…slap the living shit out of them then tell them the good news.

You just saved a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico.