***cueing up show theme music, Wyclef Jean’s “Anything Can Happen”***
(applause)
Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you all to another episode of the show “Say What, Say Huh?” My name is Panama “The Most M********’” Jackson and today I’d like to discuss a problem. In fact this problem made me say the two most infamous lines in the black English manual for shit to say when you can’t believe some shit you just heard. I’m talking about the two lines that induce women to break out the vaseline and men to walk around in circles acting like they want to fight but internally hoping that they can just keep talking without throwing a single fist. Yes…THOSE two lines.
What are the two lines???
“Nigga, say what???”
And…
“I WISH a muhfucka would!!!”
What could cause the earth to tremble, waters to part, and stars to fall??
Jesus.
Duh.
But what would make me say those two lines???? None other than a response to a question that was asked by some ghetto ass individual over at Xquizzyt’s site yesterday. The question regarded whether or not shacking up was okay. X, remarked that shacking up was okay, however, the man should pay the rent and the women should cover the utilties. What followed in the comments was an ass melage of nonsense, nincompoopery, and utter gerhumfelshlagen.
And no I have no idea what gerhumfelshlagen means, if anything.
Here’s an excerpt:
“Oh… and never, I repeat, never ever ever ever let a mug live with you that cannot pay the rent. Umm, yeah, in it’s entirety. I don’t believe in women paying rent, or splitting it like you’re fucking roomates. You want to live here? Fine *handing over rent receipt booklet* get to packing nigga. You want me cleaning and cooking and shit, then get to paying the muhfuckin’ rent. I mean you were paying it where you lived before. And you’ll pay it here, just now you’ll get your laundry done, and your food cooked. Yeah, yeah and I’ll pay the utilities, just cuz I’m fair.”-Xquizzyt, August 30, 2005
Umm…nigga, say what???
Let’s discuss this part about not believing in a woman paying rent, or splitting it like you’re fuckin’ roommates.
Ummm…newsflash. YOU ARE FUCKIN’ ROOMMATES. By definition shacking up means you are an unmarried muhfucka living with your boyfriend/girlfriend. With the freedom of society today and the lack of morals you people have (yes I said you people, I’m the most morally sound individual I know…shoot, I don’t smoke!!!) you know folks are having sex. Essentially…you are fucking roommates. Yeah you might love eachother and all that good stuff but facts are facts.
And let’s discuss this “don’t believe” bullmalarkey. Since some women seemed to agree with that non-belief in a woman paying rent I’d like to add some of my beliefs. Mmkay??
Mmkay.
I don’t believe in paying taxes. I think its a fucked up practice established by Starbucks, back when it was called Celestialpence. I also don’t believe in holding open a door for a woman who may or may not say “thank you”. However, by the powers vested in me, I pronounce not doing either of those things as…
…wait for it…
…it’s coming…
…have you been watching Family Guy?…
…it’s really funny…
…FUCKED UP!!!!
It was offered that she’d pay the utilities. Let’s craft an example, shall we?? Yes, let’s.
HIM
Rent: $1000
HER
Cable: $150 (assuming you got that Titanium Package)
Utilities: $50 (I’m all electric)
Phone: $65 (assuming you got some all long distance package or something)
Internet: $35
For all you unmathematically inclined people out there. Him=$1000, HER=$300.
Now, I might have missed a bill here or there since some of you have some shit I’ve never heard of like termite insurance. Fact is, she’s getting WAY over on dude. Not her husband (as many of these issues go away once you tie the knot), but her boyfriend. Somebody even said, he paid for his whole rent before, he can do it now.
Excuse me for a second, but that’s the most non-sensical shit I’ve ever heard.
Hell, she did too. So maybe SHE should be paying for the rent then and let him do the utilities. Further, that whole man as the head of household holds in marriage, when your shacking up…nuh uh.
And let’s just be real here. No amount of cooking and cleaning is going to cover that shit. ESPECIALLY since men are having to do that stuff nowadays TOO!! Women are working a lot nowadays. It’s not even fair to expect a woman to cook and clean and do all that extra shit on her own. Besides, I like washing my own drawz. I got this special formula I use that keeps them extra limber and focused at the exact same time.
When was the last time you heard somebody refer to their underwear as focused?
Somebody said she’d let her man watch a football game or something.
Fellas??? WHAT????? Fellas??? WHAT???
What we gonna do???
WATCH THE GAME!!!
Will we be stopped???
NO WE WON’T!!!
WE WONT…STOP WATCHING THE GAME!!!
WE WONT…STOP WATCHING THE GAME!!!
Need I say more??
Now…let’s get to the second part of this. Essentially, I’d like to clear my throat, and say quite briskly and evocatively…
I WISH a muhfucka would…tell me they ain’t gonna pay half the rent when we ain’t married.
Negro please.
And me saying Negro assumes that I’m going to have a black woman by my side as opposed to say, I don’t know, Mos Def, who just got married to a white Canadian woman. I love me some black women.
Ahem.
The only way I can see this is if there is a severe disparity in our pay at our jobs. If I make $80,000 a year and she makes $40,000, we can discuss it. Key word there motherfuckers…DISCUSS.
You ain’t gonna just look me dead in my eye and tell me that you ain’t gonna pay rent because I’m the man and I’m supposed to do man things…like pay the rent.
[***SIDENOTE AND DISCLAIMER: I'm going to say something offensive right now. Fuck you in advance. I've recently decided that I can't trust somebody that can't look me straight in my eye. I'm sorry, cock-eyededed people, I just cannot trust you. How am I supposed to believe you if I ask you something in confidence and you say I promise while looking off in the distance somewhere intently. How do I even know you're looking at me? You say you are but I don't really have proof do I? Nope, all I can do is wonder...where the hell you are looking. Thank you. Oh yes, kiss my ass if you were offended. Chuuch! If you were offended, let's hug it out bitch! ***]
And don’t even THINK about trying to use that “guest room” defense.
What’s that??
Oh it’s that notion that the woman will make the man go sleep in the guest room, or second bedroom, since he wants to act like they’re roommates. Once again…I WISH a muhfucka would.
See, this is the most shortsighted shit ever. Women work under the assumption that men have no willpower. My response??
Try me, nigga.
No really, try me.
Assume that threatening to send me to the guest room will make me come to my senses. I’ll be the happiest negro on earth sitting up in there reading comic books, watching videos, and eating bon bons while you wonder why I haven’t come back begging to get into your good graces.
Bottom line here is this; assuming that a man SHOULD pay the entire rent because he is the man is ludicrous. We shall not be moved.
But, as a bonus, to the women who try this and think its a good idea, I’m going to let you know the third saying that usually ends up being involved in these type of situations.
Ready??
Cool.
The third saying in the black English manual of shit that you say when somebody says some shit that you can’t believe like telling a grown ass black man that he must pay the rent and you pay $300 bucks a month is this…
“You must got me fucked up!”
Thank you and tune in next time for another episode of…
THE SAY WHAT? SHOW!!!
(applause)
This show was sponsored by Negroes With Sense, a 501(c)(3) organization intended to instill sense back into the black community. Our goal is to make sure that black people everywhere are working under rational thought.
We are failing right now.
“Celestialpence”…nigga, you almost lost me for the rest of the post. You a fool! On the roommates thing, i dont really have much to say…you know me…imma product of southern traditionalism, which is a close cousin of staunch social conservatism, so my thoughts on shackin’ don’t really have to be voiced to be understood…in fact, my general use of the term shackin’ intimates my thoughts on the matter, naamean?
Lol… You know what, I actually agree. But I wouldn’t be cooking/cleaning for dude in and offering utilities and other “payments”, anyway. (Last time I checked, I wasn’t Florence Jefferson.) I personally think that everyone is entitled to their choice of help staff. I’ve already picked out a prospective list… cause Mahogany don’t know nothing bout washing no floors.
One more thing… I’m all about that love sees no color creed…. BUT Mos? *sigh* This is Mr. “I want black people to be free/ To be free/ To be free”, “Mr. Blackstar keep shining right on home…” Is there no end to the irony? Next I’ll read that Farakhan is leaving his wife for a woman of the other persuasion. And, I’d believe it.
Hilarious!! When I read X’s joint yesterday I KNEW you would have somthin’ to say. ‚ÄúI wish a muhfucka would‚Äù expect me to pay the entire rent if we ain’t married. EVERYTHING should be 50/50 (rent, utilities, chores)! And yeah, the whole holding out on sleeping together thing is like whatever. They want it just as much as we do if not more. Go ahead…punish yourself…IMMA MAN, IMMA BE ALRIGHT!!
Okay… *sigh* here we go… there’s always one. LOL
Umm… you know what? Neva mind… I think I’mma have to respond to this on my site…
*clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop* (walking to own site to respond lest I blog in your comments section)
Oh and I can’t even comment on this, because I’m speechless… flabbergasted… and ready to choke. Mos Def, who just got married to a white Canadian woman… I mean what is the WORLD coming too… please tell me that was your attempt at humor. *sigh*
*I’ll say the same thing over here that I did on xquizzyt1′s site*
(Paraphrasing)
I firmly believe that if you trust somebody enough to shack up then its time to have a joint account. Fuck all the bullshit. You wanna be grown then be grown all the way.
Bwahahahaaaa!! U know what this all means? We can’t be together cus you won’t pay my rent.
*running out of this post after reading that Mos Def married a white woman…* Hell, I woulda paid HIS rent…
That was friggin hilarious! The main reason I can’t have some cat i’m not married to paying my rent is that then he is the HNIC. I wish a nigga would try to put me out when I pay half the rent but if you don’t.pay…. ya got no say! Enjoyed your blog tremendously!
A. to the guest room defense – I’m going to say it right now and many other women will hate me for it… but… I think men have waaaaaay more willpower than woman when it comes to sex. Fuck me right and I would be beggin to pay your rent. Any time I have ever had that “who’s hornier” discussion with a boyfriend – I lost. Not to mention that every girl I hang with has too. We are desperate and we don’t want you in the guestroom any more than you wanna be there. And I know there are some whiney ass woman who will look at this and say “I don’t need it” “it ain’t that good” whatever – bullshit. If you don’t *need* it, he ain’t doin it right. These women want you in the bedroom instead of the guestroom even more – because they want to cuddle. In my opinion if you wanna make me scream and then go sleep in the guestroom, I don’t give a fook.
B. What the hell is this paying rent or utilities shit anyway? I have never heard of this until I started reading blogs. I don’t know a single person who has lived this way. I know people who lived with girlfriends or boyfriends who paid everything, and the other kicked in when they could. In my last long term (which thankfully did not end in marriage) I paid everything and he gave me a lump some equal to about half of everything every month – read “he was too stupid to pay the bills on time. It doesn’t matter how much money you make – you pay half of everything. Now if he makes 80 vs. 30 and he wants to pay more – fine. If she makes 80 vs. 30 and she wants to pay more – fine. If he is a chivalrous chauvinist and he wants to pay all of rent – fine. However, the default arrangement should be everyone pays half for everything – half the milk, half the toilet paper, half the rent, half the phone etc. EVERYTHING
C. I’m all about woman being taken care of – but they need to take care of their damn selves. We need to be able to keep our own house in order before someone comes in it. And ladies – he need to be able to keep his house in order too. Don’t bring any man into your home and world who can’t wash his own underwear, and sure as hell don’t bring in a man who isn’t willing to. I disagree about the 300$ not worth her keeping house for you – if she was really keeping good house it would be worth more – but no amount of money is worth being a man’s slave. He should want to help out.
Thanks for you cyber ear.
Well..When I read X’s post yesterday..I thought to myself, could THIS BE TRUE? Is there really men out there that go for that shit? Is this possible? What the hell have I been missing? I decided at that moment that my next live-in manfriend would pay ALL THE DAMN RENT. EVERY.DAMN.MONTH.
Ummmm. no.
After reading this post..I don’t think it will work out that way. Damn. And it sounded SO GOOD!
You know what? I agree with you homie. I wish a nigga WOULD expect me to CLEAN UP in exchange for him payin the rent. hell to the naw. This aint no maid service or indentured servitude. Fuck that. Me and my roommate were both rappin bout how we both need to get boyfriends so we can cut our rent in half. This nig ass apartment needs some warm bodies in it who can provide affection and half-rent paying-ness. Makin them pay for it didn’t even cross our minds. I think that’s rather outlandish. Besides, we splittin the chores just like we splittin the rent. This reminds me a lot of Destiny’s Child’s Bills Bills Bills. Some women need to wake up and pay their own way.
I could not understand anything after I read Mos Def married a white woman! I lost all feeling in my legs and got tunnel vision. I am going to crawl into a ball on my bed a cry…….say it ain’t so!
*weeping*
You are my hero!
Say it again!
… dogg… you ever read something on the internet so gotdamn retarded, all you can do is just hope to your self that the girl that wrote the shit is ugly and nobody would waste they good gotdamn time on her stupid ass anyway. so she would be tottally allowed spew off any brand of dumb shit she pleases. Damn… that would be a waste of a pretty girl. Thank goodness for video hoes lol.
anyway…
youre forgetting car payments and ins and shit like that. not to mention… if a nigga is with a girl like that… he’s GOING to buy her shit. he is gonna spend money on taking her ass out and what not. so im suppose to pay for that shit too right? right… how about….. you just get to pay everything by yourself and leave my black ass alone from now on?
lol i really do wish a muhfucka would.