Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

[***Intro: I decided that since yesterday's post was a tad on the serious side, I'd lighten that post up by redoing it from the other angle. This is...the remix. Satirical rantings will ensue.***]

story published in the Washington Tellitall, August 11, 2005
written by Landonterry England

According to an Urban Folks Institute study conducted on the demography of Washington, DC, the nation’s capital, long known for being a spot where black people could live and smoke crack freely, has begun to see a shift towards a city with a far whiter presence.

According to the study, the black and/or African-American population (depending on what they chose to be called nowadays) has dropped to 57 percent of the city’s total population and white-people-with-money’s share of the population reached a decade high of 30.3 percent, up 7.5 percent since the 2000 census. Upon finding out that white people had finally cracked the 30 percent threshold, a parade was planned for downtown DC to celebrate the landmark occasion.

If recent trends continue, Washington, DC, long known as “Chocolate City” might need to change its nickname to “Vanilla City.”

One poll conducted by the White People are America Foundation, an organization dedicated to “lettin’ them minorities know what’s up”, concluded that roughly 89% of all white people polled think Washington, DC, should be a majority white city as it’s the capital of “this great nation” and should reflect the population make up of the country. The other eleven percent were apparently interracial people who had been mistaken for white but showed their true “colors” while the poll was being conducted.

As of press time, they’ve all been detained, questioned, and debriefed on who they really are and have effectively lost their jobs. It has been reported that black people, taking advantage of the nation’s generous Affirmative Action Fo’ Life Initiative, stepped into those roles leading top companies such as Sony and Nike.

Said one top executive at Nike: “If there’s one thing those black people know, it’s running and jumping so who better to fill in the recently vacated roll of those “posers”. We like our black people to know who they are, homie. Word to your cousin!”

When asked about the new population shift in Washington, DC, a man asking to be identified only as Bob said, “it’s about time we took the city back, and we’re taking over Southeast too. They won’t see us coming. America!!! F*** Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!”

His sentiments were echoed by white people throughout the nation’s capital and the surrounding suburban enclaves of Arlington, Alexandria (who have also witnessed similar increases in white-rification), Fairfax County, and Loudon Counties, which are all in the state of Virginia. Residents in adjacent Prince George’s County, Maryland, the nation’s most affluent minority-majority county, couldn’t be reached for comment.

It was speculated that a Good Times marathon running on TVLand was the culprit.

Mayor Anthony Williams, breaking from his prepared statement in light of the new findings, stated that he was glad the city was becoming more “diverse” as he was tired of fighting other black people for Kool-Aid. He said red was his favorite flavor. Calls to Kool-Aid would not verify Red as an actual flavor. However, Pookalicious Jenkins, from Anacostia, a neighborhood in Southeast DC, said that “red is indeed a flavor, just like Orange. Nobody ‘een be claiming Orange ain’t a flavor and its a color!”

Changing demographic patterns also indicate that the Hispanic population in the DC metropolitan area has been on the rise, with Hispanics making up 10 percent of the population and growing.

Coincidentally, crime has increased in the DC metropolitan area.

With the increase in the white population, housing prices and property taxes have risen causing many African-Americans (or black people or Black people or Afro-Americans, whatever) to become priced out of the nation’s capital, or areas that people would actually want to live in.

One resident of DC’s historic Ledroit Park neighborhood felt that was unfair since black people had been there for many generations. When informed that she was 98 and would die soon therefore the pricing wouldn’t really affect her, she simply replied:

“Well then, [*expletive*] it, let ‘em move in. I’m getting tired of gunshots anyway.”

In related news, Omaha, Nebraska, has petitioned Congress to be nicknamed the “Chocolate City” as opposed to Washington, DC, citing the need to attract a more diverse population and to give the white “gangsters” in Omaha a little more street credibility as reasons. The City of Omaha also contends that DC really has no reason to make that claim since cities such as Detroit, Atlanta, or Jackson, MS, are clearly more chocolate. Therefore, they feel that the nickname should be up for grabs.

Billings, Montana, has crafted a similar proposal.

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