Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

***cueing up show theme music, Wyclef Jean’s “Anything Can Happen”***

(applause)

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you all to another episode of the show “Say What, Say Huh?” My name is Panama “The Most M********’” Jackson and today I’d like to discuss a problem. In fact this problem made me say the two most infamous lines in the black English manual for shit to say when you can’t believe some shit you just heard. I’m talking about the two lines that induce women to break out the vaseline and men to walk around in circles acting like they want to fight but internally hoping that they can just keep talking without throwing a single fist. Yes…THOSE two lines.

What are the two lines???

“Nigga, say what???”

And…

“I WISH a muhfucka would!!!”

What could cause the earth to tremble, waters to part, and stars to fall??

Jesus.

Duh.

But what would make me say those two lines???? None other than a response to a question that was asked by some ghetto ass individual over at Xquizzyt’s site yesterday. The question regarded whether or not shacking up was okay. X, remarked that shacking up was okay, however, the man should pay the rent and the women should cover the utilties. What followed in the comments was an ass melage of nonsense, nincompoopery, and utter gerhumfelshlagen.

And no I have no idea what gerhumfelshlagen means, if anything.

Here’s an excerpt:

“Oh… and never, I repeat, never ever ever ever let a mug live with you that cannot pay the rent. Umm, yeah, in it’s entirety. I don’t believe in women paying rent, or splitting it like you’re fucking roomates. You want to live here? Fine *handing over rent receipt booklet* get to packing nigga. You want me cleaning and cooking and shit, then get to paying the muhfuckin’ rent. I mean you were paying it where you lived before. And you’ll pay it here, just now you’ll get your laundry done, and your food cooked. Yeah, yeah and I’ll pay the utilities, just cuz I’m fair.”-Xquizzyt, August 30, 2005

Umm…nigga, say what???

Let’s discuss this part about not believing in a woman paying rent, or splitting it like you’re fuckin’ roommates.

Ummm…newsflash. YOU ARE FUCKIN’ ROOMMATES. By definition shacking up means you are an unmarried muhfucka living with your boyfriend/girlfriend. With the freedom of society today and the lack of morals you people have (yes I said you people, I’m the most morally sound individual I know…shoot, I don’t smoke!!!) you know folks are having sex. Essentially…you are fucking roommates. Yeah you might love eachother and all that good stuff but facts are facts.

And let’s discuss this “don’t believe” bullmalarkey. Since some women seemed to agree with that non-belief in a woman paying rent I’d like to add some of my beliefs. Mmkay??

Mmkay.

I don’t believe in paying taxes. I think its a fucked up practice established by Starbucks, back when it was called Celestialpence. I also don’t believe in holding open a door for a woman who may or may not say “thank you”. However, by the powers vested in me, I pronounce not doing either of those things as…

…wait for it…

…it’s coming…

…have you been watching Family Guy?…

…it’s really funny…

…FUCKED UP!!!!

It was offered that she’d pay the utilities. Let’s craft an example, shall we?? Yes, let’s.

HIM
Rent: $1000

HER
Cable: $150 (assuming you got that Titanium Package)
Utilities: $50 (I’m all electric)
Phone: $65 (assuming you got some all long distance package or something)
Internet: $35

For all you unmathematically inclined people out there. Him=$1000, HER=$300.

Now, I might have missed a bill here or there since some of you have some shit I’ve never heard of like termite insurance. Fact is, she’s getting WAY over on dude. Not her husband (as many of these issues go away once you tie the knot), but her boyfriend. Somebody even said, he paid for his whole rent before, he can do it now.

Excuse me for a second, but that’s the most non-sensical shit I’ve ever heard.

Hell, she did too. So maybe SHE should be paying for the rent then and let him do the utilities. Further, that whole man as the head of household holds in marriage, when your shacking up…nuh uh.

And let’s just be real here. No amount of cooking and cleaning is going to cover that shit. ESPECIALLY since men are having to do that stuff nowadays TOO!! Women are working a lot nowadays. It’s not even fair to expect a woman to cook and clean and do all that extra shit on her own. Besides, I like washing my own drawz. I got this special formula I use that keeps them extra limber and focused at the exact same time.

When was the last time you heard somebody refer to their underwear as focused?

Somebody said she’d let her man watch a football game or something.

Fellas??? WHAT????? Fellas??? WHAT???

What we gonna do???

WATCH THE GAME!!!

Will we be stopped???

NO WE WON’T!!!

WE WONT…STOP WATCHING THE GAME!!!

WE WONT…STOP WATCHING THE GAME!!!

Need I say more??

Now…let’s get to the second part of this. Essentially, I’d like to clear my throat, and say quite briskly and evocatively…

I WISH a muhfucka would…tell me they ain’t gonna pay half the rent when we ain’t married.

Negro please.

And me saying Negro assumes that I’m going to have a black woman by my side as opposed to say, I don’t know, Mos Def, who just got married to a white Canadian woman. I love me some black women.

Ahem.

The only way I can see this is if there is a severe disparity in our pay at our jobs. If I make $80,000 a year and she makes $40,000, we can discuss it. Key word there motherfuckers…DISCUSS.

You ain’t gonna just look me dead in my eye and tell me that you ain’t gonna pay rent because I’m the man and I’m supposed to do man things…like pay the rent.

[***SIDENOTE AND DISCLAIMER: I'm going to say something offensive right now. Fuck you in advance. I've recently decided that I can't trust somebody that can't look me straight in my eye. I'm sorry, cock-eyededed people, I just cannot trust you. How am I supposed to believe you if I ask you something in confidence and you say I promise while looking off in the distance somewhere intently. How do I even know you're looking at me? You say you are but I don't really have proof do I? Nope, all I can do is wonder...where the hell you are looking. Thank you. Oh yes, kiss my ass if you were offended. Chuuch! If you were offended, let's hug it out bitch! ***]

And don’t even THINK about trying to use that “guest room” defense.

What’s that??

Oh it’s that notion that the woman will make the man go sleep in the guest room, or second bedroom, since he wants to act like they’re roommates. Once again…I WISH a muhfucka would.

See, this is the most shortsighted shit ever. Women work under the assumption that men have no willpower. My response??

Try me, nigga.

No really, try me.

Assume that threatening to send me to the guest room will make me come to my senses. I’ll be the happiest negro on earth sitting up in there reading comic books, watching videos, and eating bon bons while you wonder why I haven’t come back begging to get into your good graces.

Bottom line here is this; assuming that a man SHOULD pay the entire rent because he is the man is ludicrous. We shall not be moved.

But, as a bonus, to the women who try this and think its a good idea, I’m going to let you know the third saying that usually ends up being involved in these type of situations.

Ready??

Cool.

The third saying in the black English manual of shit that you say when somebody says some shit that you can’t believe like telling a grown ass black man that he must pay the rent and you pay $300 bucks a month is this…

“You must got me fucked up!”

Thank you and tune in next time for another episode of…

THE SAY WHAT? SHOW!!!

(applause)

This show was sponsored by Negroes With Sense, a 501(c)(3) organization intended to instill sense back into the black community. Our goal is to make sure that black people everywhere are working under rational thought.

We are failing right now.

I decided that though I have lots on my mind right about now, I feel like just randomly putting down whatevers in my brain. This could be the most dumberest thing I ever write, or it could be the most poetic display of pure passion.

Okay, not really the last one. But, I’m sexxier than you…what I say is law.

Got beef??

On to the randomnosity:

-I think M-A-Dollar Sign-E is going to hell. So let me get this right. You decide that you want to preach so you quit rapping. THEN you say that God told you to rap again so you come out with the most gay ass shit EVER on record (and yes I may join Murda Mase in hell for using profanity in the same sentence with God, however, Kanye does it and gets nominated for a Gospel Award so kiss my ass, Amen)and THEN since you’re shit TANKED like that shit the folks were looking for in Hunt for Red October, YOU DECIDE TO SIGN TO G-UNIT.

Mase, God is not happy with you right now.

I know this because I stopped Jesus while he was out walking with Kanye and asked him.

-Speaking of G-Unit…

***I MUST OFFER A PUBLIC APOLOGY FOR WHAT I’M ABOUT TO DIVULGE. HATE IT OR LOVE IT, I’M SORRY.***

…I purchased and read 50 Cent’s book.

I’m sorry.

Sike-a-boo-boo.

That shit is a page turner like a mug. I must say, if you told me tomorrow he made up 80 percent of the shit in that book, I’d believe you. But its some great fictitious non-fiction. I can see why he’s making a movie. Shit, I’ll be right up in line trying to see it too after reading the book. And it took me all of 2 and a half hours. That’s how into I was. Honestly, for some entertaining ass non-sense, check out his book.

-Suge Knight got shot in the leg at a club in Miami allegedly by a nigga in a pink shirt. There’s a joke in there somewhere. All I know is that the next time a muhfucka looks at me sideways for wearing a pink shirt, I’m going to inform him that a nigga in pink shot Suge Knight. In the realm of gangsta shit to do, that ranks up there with dangling a nigga from balcony for asking to see your books to check his royalties.

-Suge got shot continued. So apparently the dude that shot Suge (if he didn’t do it himself since apparently one story has him accidentally shooting himself in the leg) is still at large. I don’t know about you, but I think he’s going to stay at large. Largely dead. You don’t just shoot Suge Knight and expect to be cool the next day. My guess is the dude that shot Suge will never be found…ever. Or, they’ll find him in the same place they find Tupac.

-Did I mention he got shot at a Kanye West party??

-Dr. Dre’s The Chronic album is STILL one of the best pieces of music EVER. I’ve been bumping that album for the past few days and it still hasn’t gotten old, 12 years later. Dr. Dre on the other hand has.

-Gas prices suck ass…the fact that they are expected to INCREASE because of Hurricane Katrina makes me want to kick geckos and vacuum the desert.

-I’m trying to take a trip somewhere on Columbus Day Weekend? Any suggestions?

-Lots of folks hate on Tyrese, but in the movie Four Brothers, that was my man hunnid grand. It’s amazing how a role in a movie can make somebody a fan of somebody they absolutely hated, isn’t it. Marketing and propoganda are the downfall of society. Not coffee mugs.

For the record, I’ve been a Tyrese fan so I’m not talking about myself there.

-I actually think society’s downfall will come from a monkey, a tube of toothpaste, some speakerwire, and a short white man with a lisp. I have nothing to base this upon, nor any idea how it might happen. However, after consulting with Nastradamous and watching back episodes of MacGuyver, anything is possible.

-Speaking of anything being possible, wasn’t Wyclef Jean’s The Carnival a great damn album?? Say what say what…anything can happen. I half expected Wyclef to perform at the VMA’s considering that Sean “Puffy” Combs kept saying that anything could happen. I was however, not expecting to see Hammer.

-Hammer just can’t move like he used to. That almost hurt. However, seeing how folks still LOVE Hammer, evidenced by the complete and total focus of every person over 20 in the audience, makes me believe that Hammer might not hurt ‘em, but he still keeps ‘em in the mix. It was a proud moment for all persons who actually had a MC Hammer action figure back in the day, and more than one pair of Hammer pants.

-Next time you get into a slight verbal altercation with somebody, just use Jeremy Piven’s line from “Entourage” and watch the reactions…it totally always lightens the mood. The line, “let’s hug it out bitch.”

-McDonald’s has seriously stepped up their chicken sandwich game. So much so I’m not totally against the notion that there is some kind of crack by-product lacing all of their chicken sandwiches now. Think about that shit, they’ve sold billions of burgers, and it ain’t like its good for you, but folks keep going back.

Like crack.

-The game Oodles is addictive.

-Unlike ugly women.

-That wasn’t nice; ugly men too.

-I saw an old white woman walking down the street yelling early this morning. At first I thought she had Tourret’s or something. Turns out she was freestyling. It’s official, everybody is a rapper now. Best line I heard, “I chew Dentyne with Dentures and throw on my Depends/and i’m still racking in social security dividends.” That shit right there, classic.

-You know you’re getting old when you look at a pair of Jordan’s in a store, see the $130 price tag, get offended, and vow to never spend that much money on a pair of shoes again. This coming from the guy who used to buy a brand new pair of Butter Tim’s every 6 months, and has purchased two pair of $150 shoes on the same day. Sometimes, I scare myself.

-Actually, that’s not really true since nowadays I’m only wearing Chuck Taylor’s and this one pair of Puma’s I love. I think I’m going to issue a challenge to myself. No gratuitous purchases for the month of September.

-Methinks I’m going to fail my challenge.

-Methinks I have no idea what I’m talking about.

-Methinks I’m still the sexxiest muhfucka ever.

-Speaking of being sexxy, I was teaching some classes this summer on Statistics and Economics and after hearing me say how sexxy I was for the umpteenth time, well, my students made me a shirt that says “I Am Sexxy” with my picture on the front.

I almost shed a tear. Hands down, one of the best and most appropriate presents ever.

-Hands down, I’m just babbling.

I quit.

[***This right here is another Panama-length post (roughly 1,500 words). That Panama cat needs to quit being so damn longwinded.***]

****FOR YOUR LISTENING PLEASURE…GO VISIT WJGT RADIO TO HEAR (IT AIN’T AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD). IT’S OVER THERE ON THE RIGHT UNDER WJGT RADIO, GRADUATE.****

First and foremost, I like Kanye. I’m a fan of his music.

Whew…glad I got that out of the way.

So apparently I’m a reactionary by nature. I tend to feel the need to respond to things or offer my take after reading or hearing opinions that totally throw me for a loop. Hell, that’s the reason I reviewed John Legend’s album. I had to stop myself, nearly daily, from reviewing Common’s Be album, though that was mostly because I assumed I picked up a different version of the album than did everybody else, since mine wasn’t a classic and apparently everybody else’s was. And it doesn’t make sense to review a different version than everybody else.

And for the record, my version (which had the exact same tracklisting…must have been a problem at Best Buy that day) was more like a 3.5/4 out of 5 stars, or more like a XL, not a XXL…unlike other publications and shit.

The trend of Kanye related projects for which I must proffer an opinion continues with his newest (August 30, 2005) release, Late Registration. And let’s get STRAIGHT to the punch…this album is just…

…okay.

Now apparently the buzz surrounding this album has it being lauded as potentially the best album of the year, and some great pop album (which is closer to the truth than it isn’t), or even as good as The College Dropout.

Umm…it’s not any of those things.

Let me put this out there again, I’m a fan of Kanye’s music.

I think as a person he’s an asshole who thinks he’s WAY more important than he might be, however, he knows that and is okay with it, so who am I to judge. Ironically, that same assholishness gets lauded by people as him being so honest and open and willing to express himself. Even in the Time Magazine blowjob, excuse me…article, they discussed how his dual, hypocritical nature is what draws everybody to him.

But I guess some say potato and others say umguferschlagen.

Once again, I’m a Kanye West fan.

I guess by now I should actually get to the album, huh?

Cool.

My overall reflection of the album is this: this album has some well produced (musically) tracks that won’t have you wanting to hear them OVER AND OVER. As of right now, there are only two tracks on this album that I have had on repeat. The track “Gone” featuring Cam’ron and Consequence, and the bonus track “Late.”
“Gone” is a perfect Cam’ron beat…real flightly and quick paced which allows Cam to do his stoccato rap thing which is always entertaining. In fact, it’s one of the most entertaining all around tracks on the album. “Late” sounds like a RZA throwback (with better sound quality) as its just a looped sample that doesn’t sound chopped or anything. Here, Kanye discusses how he ended up successful and the trials and tribulations he went thru early on due to his being late or constantly waiting for shit.

Other standout tracks that I don’t necessarily have to listen to ever again are, “Testify”, the Just Blaze produced (umm…huh??) track that is loud and hornfilled like every other Just Blaze track where Kanye does what he does best…talks about himself struggling to make it in the game and still being successful anyway. In fact, that seems to be one of Kanye’s favorite topics.

And yes, he mentions being in that accident…again. On this song.

No really, I’m a fan.

“Crack Music” featuring the Game is another joint worth listening to at least once. Wait, to say featuring The Game would imply that Game actually has a verse as opposed to just a chorus. Let me just say, that is a crime. To have Game on your album and just give him a chorus?? It doesn’t help that the song feels like an undeveloped thought either, but the beat is good enough.

This is getting long…other standouts, “Gold Digger”, “Diamonds from Sierra Leone”, “Bring Me Down” featuring Brandy (where he talks about struggling and being successful…again)

So let’s talk about what’s wrong with this album and why it isn’t as great as its being lauded. Shall we?? Yes, let’s.

First off, the production is good as far as musicality (if that’s a word) goes. It’s Kanye, he isn’t putting his name on any garbage. However, that doesn’t mean that the actual music is that great. There are some beats I just think suck. And I’m talking about “Hookers At the Point” kind of suck, too. But they sound good sucking!!!

For instance, the ass melage that is “We Major”. My goodness. And I give a shit that folks actually love this joint. Sometimes I think we have far too much appreciation for different…cuz sometimes, shit just sucks no matter how innovative it is.

“We Major”=Shit.

Period.

Did I mention I like Kanye?

“Roses” is a song he talks about his grandmother passing in the hospital. Umm…that’s all well and good and I’m sorry to hear that, but the beat is garbage and with lines like, “we got so many aunties we could have an auntie team”…

…well I just want to slap him with a battery and some fluffy white slippers.

“Drive Slow” featuring Paul Wall and GLC is just boring to me. And Kanye’s verse is, how do you say this in English…POINTLESS. Paul Wall is Paul Wall (and “Sittin’ Sidewayz” is my shit). And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Can we take a tangent right quick? Even if you say no, we’re going to take a tangent.

I know people keep praising Kanye as this man about social issues and shit and as a man with something to say about society but sometimes shit just sounds a tad…forced. For instance…how many muhfuckas REALLY believe that when he came up with “Diamonds” (the original version) he was thinking about some damn conflict diamonds??

Not I.

Bumaya Kanye!! Bumaya Kanye!!!

I think it came up later and he shot a video and recorded another version to talk about it, but umm…no. Same thing with “Crack Music”. I see what he was trying to do but it seems like he tried a little too hard and it didn’t quite work out. On second thought, I’m listening to it right now and I honestly don’t know what he was trying to do. All I know is that, “it’s that crack music, nigga…that real black music, nigga.” I’m sure somebody will tell me the point of that shit…I mean I like it anyway, I’m just saying.

This brings up something else…Kanye ain’t exactly the best rapper out there. I’m not saying he isn’t good, he’s good at what he does. He’s more of a presence than he is a lyricist, which says a lot since many rappers can rap but you’d rather listen to air than them.

Oh yes, Kanye has a track dedicated to his mother called, “Hey Mama”. I’d like to put a moratorium out on all rappers doing songs dedicated to their mother. Tupac ruined it for all of you. Not that it’s even bad…it’s just not “Dear Mama.” And it’s not his fault that it isn’t as compelling.

It’s George Bush’s fault.

But that’s neither here nor there.

The fact here is that this album isn’t nearly as good as The College Dropout. Now I know its not fair to compare it to his last album, so I won’t. I will, however, compare him to the quality he’s put out since he came on the scene. And it doesn’t quite measure up. And I blame Kanye for that. He has consistently put out music worth listening to on repeat since 2001 (The Blueprint). Most things he’s had his name attached too have been better than average and his production has been damn near stellar. Though I don’t think Common’s album was classic, it doesn’t take away from the fact that the song “Be”, or “Faithful”, or “They Say” weren’t some of the best damn beats in years. And yes, I stand by that statement.

Go Kanye…it’s ya birthday!!!!

Maybe I’ll keep listening and the album will grow on me, but for now, I’m just not impressed and I was expecting to be.

To the legions of people who will undoubtedly love this album (and there will be legions) and think I’m a hater because I’m not feeling it as much as you will…

…fuck you.

It’s still worth picking up.

Panama’s Rating: 3.5/5 Pimpslaps

GO GET LATE REGISTRATION…AUGUST 30, 2005.

Kanye West-Late Registration
Official Tracklisting

1. Wake Up Mr. West (:41)
2. Heard ‘Em Say featuring Adam Levine of Maroon 5 (3:24)
3. Touch The Sky featuring Lupe Fiasco (3:56)
4. Gold Digger featuring Jamie Foxx (3:27)
5. Skit #1 (:33)
6. Drive Slow featuring Paul Wall & GLC (4:32)
7. My Way Home featuring Common (1:43)
8. Crack Music featuring Game (4:31)
9. Roses (4:05)
10. Bring Me Down featuring Brandy (3:19)
11. Addiction (4:27)
12. Skit #2 (:31)
13. Diamonds From Sierra Leone (Remix) featuring Jay-Z (3:53)
14. We Major featuring Nas & Really Doe (7:28)
15. Skit #3 (:24)
16. Hey Mama (5:05)
17. Celebration (3:18)
18. Skit #4 (1:19)
19. Gone featuring Consequence & Cam’Ron (5:33)
20. **BONUS TRACK**Diamonds From Sierra Leone (3:58)
21. **HIDDEN TRACK** Late (3:50)

Guess who’s back in the mutha*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*in house…with some new pants and a watch fo’ yo mouth.

And yes that made little to no sense whatsoever and yes, it’s what I do.

What is it?

Me no know.

See, incoherence is what happens when you come back off of a vacation and are thrown back into work. Life can be a mean bitch sometimes.

I just spent the last 10 days in the place where it all makes sense and where I like to call home. Yes, the Killa was back down South, or Souf, depending on what region you’re from and whether or not speaking English correctly is important to you…or, whether or not you think that us black folks, or The Blacks, are inherently Ebonics speakers and would normally say Souf with the “f” on the end in West Africa, ya know, where we first jumped on the Lifetime Abroad Yacht, instead of the English nomenclatured “th” at the end of the word, similar to words such as mouth, north, tooth, teeth; potentially, you believe that Ebonics or African-American Vernacular English (AAVE) as some professors hypothesize is what us blacks are naturally inclined to speak.

*cough*bullshit*cough

Anywho…

…so Panama, the Most Muhf***in’, was back home in Atlanta…

***SCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR***

PSA: I’d like to apologize to any and everybody in Atlanta, Georgia, who would say that I know better than to come to Atlanta and not e’en call nobody. It was my family reunion. I gotz a big family. We kick it hard. Wudn’t eeen no free time fo’ reel. My apologies.

(back to the lecture at hand)

…and Hunstville, Alabama.

Being at home with my family and friends and loved ones and Butterfinger Blizzards from Dairy Queen and long ass road trips is just one of those things that I really appreciate. For instance, I live in DC. On a very busy ass street. In Alabama, my house is off of a busy street but by comparison, my parent’s home is in the sticks. Crickets are the symphonic orchestra of every evening.

I kind of like that last sentence.

Either way, I got to thinking about life and shit. Jobs and shit too. And you know what…I’m struggling. Show of hands here…how many people are in a job they really don’t want to be in???

*hands go up everywhere*

You too??

Man.

I know there are a lot of folks out there on a job they love and I applaud that. The worst feeling in the world is knowing you have all this ability, talent, whathaveyou, only to realize on every Monday, you have to wake up and march to the beat of somebody’s elses congas.

Totally unrelated notes:

1) I happened to dig up a copy of Kanye West’s new album Late Registration. Yes, I’m that dude. I get shit early like three weeks before yesterday. Anyway, something about this album just ain’t right. Now…granted, I don’t hate it, but ummm…I don’t know. I might put it up for y’all to sneak peak. Not for download, but for listening, just because I really don’t know how to call this album. Though it does have one of the most godawful shits of a song ever called “We Major” featuring Nas. Good got damn. I don’t know how many languages are spoken by the people of the world, but if everybody in the world lined up to say “THIS IS SOME SHIT” in their native tongue, twice, you still wouldn’t be able to sum up how bad that song is. Hell, Nas’ verse was about how he didn’t know what to write about cuz of the beat. As a whole though, its listenable (the album that is), but just not great. Maybe I just expect too much from Kan the Louis Vuitton Don, bought his mom a new purse now she’s Louis Vuitton Mom, but he isn’t getting any classic ratings with this shit and if he does, somebody’s fucking somebody…hard and often.

2) I’ll be damned if the movie Boat Trip wasn’t a funny summammabitch. I was totally not expecting that. I also saw Wedding Crashers and there were scenes in that movie that had me crying from laughing so hard. You should check those movies out (if you haven’t already). Chuuuuch!

Back to related story:

During the course of my vacation you have no idea how many times I wanted to just call my job and put in a two weeks notice, then take two weeks of sick leave. It really is a shame. I have a million, million-dollar-ideas, and yet here I am, on Monday…back at work…fuckin’ working. I often walk down the halls at my office and see people who look like they love what they’re doing and I think that’s great.

I’ll make sure to shout them all out when I’m on television one day.

If anything though, all that time for personal reflection and thought, and ice cream, since a certain somebody made me eat some damn ice cream nearly every day made me realize something. Did you know that like 85 percent of black people are lactose intolerant??

Luckily I’m not, I guess I got that from my mama…the white one. However, if I was…shit.

No pun intended.

That’s SO not what I realized.

What I realized was that I talk a lot about making money and doing all of this shit to become somebody. Well I’ll be damned if it isn’t time to up and do it. I really think I’m incapable of sitting behind a desk for 20-30 years doing some shit that I really don’t care about. I used to see people on the subway everyday looking damn near a vodka away from shooting up their job and always said to myself, “self, don’t be that guy.”

I know people say that money isn’t everything. And in some cases I agree…except that I’ve been damn broke for quite some time. Money is about all I need right now. I’ve got family, future family, friends, a good head on my shoulders, some shampoo to wash the head on my shoulders, and hat to put on the head that’s been shampoo’d on my shoulders. So I figure that I might as well make money doing what I love.

Which is??

Entertainment. I’m doing it all.

Hence, the job countdown.

Period.

It’s time to get rich bitch and be somebody. I’ve tried this broke thing out for a while. I think it’s time for a change. I’ve also tried this working for other people doing what they want me to do. Hmm…dat very boring.

I’ve been telling folks that by the end of 2006, I’m going to be a millionaire.

Well, dammit…it’s time to start building that cheddar.

Coming soon to a TV, Bookstore, Radio, or some shit near you…

Panama Jackson.

I’m finna be rich, beeeyotch.

It ain’t called Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises for nothing.

*By the way, this post really had shit to do with anything…I’m fully aware of this. However, I just decided to ramble on anyway…I’m Panama Jackson. If you got beef, go kill yourself.*

[***Intro: I decided that since yesterday's post was a tad on the serious side, I'd lighten that post up by redoing it from the other angle. This is...the remix. Satirical rantings will ensue.***]

story published in the Washington Tellitall, August 11, 2005
written by Landonterry England

According to an Urban Folks Institute study conducted on the demography of Washington, DC, the nation’s capital, long known for being a spot where black people could live and smoke crack freely, has begun to see a shift towards a city with a far whiter presence.

According to the study, the black and/or African-American population (depending on what they chose to be called nowadays) has dropped to 57 percent of the city’s total population and white-people-with-money’s share of the population reached a decade high of 30.3 percent, up 7.5 percent since the 2000 census. Upon finding out that white people had finally cracked the 30 percent threshold, a parade was planned for downtown DC to celebrate the landmark occasion.

If recent trends continue, Washington, DC, long known as “Chocolate City” might need to change its nickname to “Vanilla City.”

One poll conducted by the White People are America Foundation, an organization dedicated to “lettin’ them minorities know what’s up”, concluded that roughly 89% of all white people polled think Washington, DC, should be a majority white city as it’s the capital of “this great nation” and should reflect the population make up of the country. The other eleven percent were apparently interracial people who had been mistaken for white but showed their true “colors” while the poll was being conducted.

As of press time, they’ve all been detained, questioned, and debriefed on who they really are and have effectively lost their jobs. It has been reported that black people, taking advantage of the nation’s generous Affirmative Action Fo’ Life Initiative, stepped into those roles leading top companies such as Sony and Nike.

Said one top executive at Nike: “If there’s one thing those black people know, it’s running and jumping so who better to fill in the recently vacated roll of those “posers”. We like our black people to know who they are, homie. Word to your cousin!”

When asked about the new population shift in Washington, DC, a man asking to be identified only as Bob said, “it’s about time we took the city back, and we’re taking over Southeast too. They won’t see us coming. America!!! F*** Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!”

His sentiments were echoed by white people throughout the nation’s capital and the surrounding suburban enclaves of Arlington, Alexandria (who have also witnessed similar increases in white-rification), Fairfax County, and Loudon Counties, which are all in the state of Virginia. Residents in adjacent Prince George’s County, Maryland, the nation’s most affluent minority-majority county, couldn’t be reached for comment.

It was speculated that a Good Times marathon running on TVLand was the culprit.

Mayor Anthony Williams, breaking from his prepared statement in light of the new findings, stated that he was glad the city was becoming more “diverse” as he was tired of fighting other black people for Kool-Aid. He said red was his favorite flavor. Calls to Kool-Aid would not verify Red as an actual flavor. However, Pookalicious Jenkins, from Anacostia, a neighborhood in Southeast DC, said that “red is indeed a flavor, just like Orange. Nobody ‘een be claiming Orange ain’t a flavor and its a color!”

Changing demographic patterns also indicate that the Hispanic population in the DC metropolitan area has been on the rise, with Hispanics making up 10 percent of the population and growing.

Coincidentally, crime has increased in the DC metropolitan area.

With the increase in the white population, housing prices and property taxes have risen causing many African-Americans (or black people or Black people or Afro-Americans, whatever) to become priced out of the nation’s capital, or areas that people would actually want to live in.

One resident of DC’s historic Ledroit Park neighborhood felt that was unfair since black people had been there for many generations. When informed that she was 98 and would die soon therefore the pricing wouldn’t really affect her, she simply replied:

“Well then, [*expletive*] it, let ‘em move in. I’m getting tired of gunshots anyway.”

In related news, Omaha, Nebraska, has petitioned Congress to be nicknamed the “Chocolate City” as opposed to Washington, DC, citing the need to attract a more diverse population and to give the white “gangsters” in Omaha a little more street credibility as reasons. The City of Omaha also contends that DC really has no reason to make that claim since cities such as Detroit, Atlanta, or Jackson, MS, are clearly more chocolate. Therefore, they feel that the nickname should be up for grabs.

Billings, Montana, has crafted a similar proposal.

At one point in the history of the United States, Washington, D.C., our nation’s capital, was a city known for three things: crack, black people, and Marion Barry. Well slowly but surely, the powers that be have been doing what they can to eradicate DC of all three.

Marion Barry fell from public view but has resurged lately and even got himself re-elected for public office in his ward in the dirty District. But he’s not the same Marion Barry. I really must take a moment here to big him up for creating one of the best taglines to ever make it onto a t-shirt:

The Bitch Set Me Up.

Classic.

Crack has become one of those things that is disappearing on its own. Now that’s not to say that crack is gone. It’s still a thriving business, ironically, even in my new currently gentrifying neighborhood in DC. You know what they say though, you can lead a horse to water, but a crackhead needs a hit!!!

However, most of the crack trade is now focused on people who got hooked in the early ’80s, still managed to be living, and somehow still manage to scrap up 5 or 10 dollars here and there for a hit.

Hmm…at this point, is there any reason to believe that any new crackheads are really popping up onto the scene? As a people, we’ve seen what crack did to the community and twenty years later you’d think, or at least hope, that accessions to the crackhead rolls would be declining rapidly. Of course, the same can be said for cigarettes and its effects and just yesterday I saw a 3-year old lighting up a Newport.

Poor kid…somebody should have given him some crack.

Crack has given way to other drugs such as heroin, which is a growing drug of choice in the DC/Baltimore area.

***Public Service Announcement Alert***

If you don’t have to, never go to Baltimore. You’re life is just better that way.

***END Public Service Announcement Alert***

And last but not least, DC has done what it can to eradicate the city of what??? You guessed it: black people. I was thumbing through the internet today and found myself on the Washington Post website. As usual, I read up on the national, world, and local news and came across this article with this title:

Census Finds More Whites In D.C., Close Va. Suburbs

Now I don’t care about the closer-in Virginia suburbs, because, well…no shit. It’s the suburbs and unless you’re in Maryland, or more specifically DC-suburb Maryland, you’re going to run into majority white cities and towns. Hell, it’s what suburbs were made for. But what caught my eye was the fact that more and more white people are moving into DC. Now this isn’t a surprise to me as I’ve written about that before and with Starbucks continuing its evil plans to take over the world this really is just water under the bridge.

Apparently, the black population of Washington, DC, has declined to 57 percent.

57 percent.

The white population of DC has reached a high of 30 percent. Well, a high since us niggas moved in and scared the shit out of white people forcing them to move to the suburbs. Not anymore though, they want back in…and they’re willing to pay to do it. Yes, homes in DC are fetching as much as $7-800,000 in neighbhorhoods that three or four years ago white people wouldn’t be seen in and where homes were fetching probably a good $100,000. Yes, the white people are everywhere and pricing African Americans straight the hell out of the city.

With less black people and a black mayor who seems to have very little interest in the needs and concerns of his black electorate, what was formerly Chocolate City has now become more of a city with a bunch of broke ass chocolate people who, whether they know it or not, are on the way out.

The District’s black majority, now 57 percent, has been declining for years, and some longtime African American residents worry that their concerns will be frozen out by an increasingly powerful white electorate. But civil rights activist Lawrence T. Guyot Jr. said those worries can be addressed.

“If we are honest about having an open dialogue on race before it’s too late, we can deal with anything,” said Guyot, who lives in the gentrifying LeDroit Park neighborhood near Howard University.

This really has nothing to do with what I’m getting at but can I just have a moment here to say, very emphatically…

…when will we realize that an open dialogue on race is never coming. Honestly…why are we holding our breath on this?? I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but there are is one major problem with hoping this will ever happen.

Having an open dialogue on race would require white people to admit that there NEEDS to be an open dialogue on race.

NOT.

GONNA.

HAPPEN.

My mother’s white and even she has told me at times that I place too much emphasis on race and that its not that big a deal. Sometimes, my mother makes my heart bleed.

But I digress.

Back to whatever point I may have had. I don’t think DC, the once mecca of black thought and opinion; the area once as wonderful for black people as Harlem; should call it self Chocolate City anymore. Reason being??

It’s not chocolate city. Calling yourself the Chocolate City implies to me that its a place where blackness is just felt everywhere. Black business, black thought, black love, ummm…black people. The nickname Chocolate City to me implies black city where black people have some say in their affairs since they make up the majority. It’s a city where you will be black and die, but on the way you’ll make some noise and stomp down the Avenue in your best and turn the city out.

Umm…that ain’t happenin’ in DC anymore.

DC doesn’t even feel like a black city to me. Yes there are lots of black people still here. But truthfully, it doesn’t feel like a city where black people are thriving or running anything. There is no black center anymore. All of the uber-successful black people moved out into the suburbs and left their broke cousins and friends behind. What DC has been left with is a city with very rich white people, and very broke black and brown people. This isn’t to say there aren’t any middle class black people in DC, or even rich black people, because there are. But not enough to make a difference.

In essence, black people doesn’t equal black city. It’s just a major city with black people in it.

Are you looking for the Chocolate City??

Hmm…you better take your ass to Atlanta.

[***Please excuse the Under Construction nature of my site right now. Apparently, it's under construction, even though I'm only saying that since I have no idea what the problem is and it sounds better than saying I'm having "technical difficulties" since not only am I not having technical difficulties, I'm not even 13. Thank you.***]

Hmmm…

Life’s a bitch and then you die?

Taken.

Treat other’s like you want to be treated?

Hmmm…too simple and rarely even possible if you’re the sexxiest cat on the planet.

Smack it up flip it and rub it down?

Only applicable in certain situations, none of which include Whoopi Goldberg.

Ahhh…I’ve got it.

My philosophy on life, and specifically at this juncture in life:

I don’t want to be that dude.

Okay, that needs to be clarified because really, I am that dude. I just don’t want to be that dude. Yeah, that dude.

Now do you get it?? Probably not. Let me explain.

I’m a big fan of music entertainment music and stories. In fact, The Temptations movie is one of my favorite movies of all time, supplanting The Five Heartbeats at one point as the movie getting the most viewings at Casa de la Panama. In college, I literally watched The Temptations movie every day for a good 4 months, which is a tad on the insanse side since it’s a long ass movie (though it really is that good), clocking in at well over 2 and a half hours. I watched it so much, I managed to pull other people into my web of temptation (see, that’s a pun) and had my close compadres following along with the lives of Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike…no, Chris, Mark, Red, Dave, Ro…SHIT…

…I mean, David, Otis, Melvin, Paul, and Eddie.

[***Sidenote: Speaking of Bobby Brown, and no I won't be talking about the show which really could be the best show on television but is slightly disappointing (that's a post unto itself), I've been listening to his Don't Be Cruel album on repeat for the past few days, thanks in part to him. People, this is one of the best R&B albums EVER. There is not one bad track on this album. If you don't have it or haven't listened to it in a long while, do yourself a favor and either purchase it or put it in the CD player. I mean, it's your prerogative, but don't be cruel, and listen to it all day and all night. In fact, while jogging, listen to this album with every little step you take and once you get back home, you can eat some maca-roni. Just a suggestion. ***]

Well one scene in that movie that stands out to me is the scene where Vanessa Bell Calloway is watching the then successful Temptations on TV, clearly sullen after having realized the fortunes she could have made had she not straight up played them to the left when they asked her about “their” money, after making a hit single and a little bit of money with them. At the same time, a dude who started out in the group (who was also involved in one of the funniest fight scenes in a movie EVER) but didn’t like the direction of the group and the rules causing him to quit, is seen sitting at a bar, drunk, watching the now successful Temptations.

And talking with my boy yesterday made me realize that I don’t want to be that dude.

Basically, I don’t want to be the nigga in the vh1 Behind the Music special who started out with the group, but quit; then the next month, the group skyrockets to monumental success while I end up working at McDonald’s or worse, Starbucks. And you know they’ll find your ass and come interview you at work.

vh1 Behind The Music: How does it feel knowing that right after you quit the group they became multi-millionaire famous international superstars while you’re here putting foam on mocha lattes??

Pissed Panama: It FUCKIN’ SUCKS MAN and I’m broke!!!

vh1 BTM: Thanks,that’s all we needed! Can I get a triple fat goose sprinkled with a Juan Valdez special please beyotch??

Fuschniken dode!

Who wants to be that cat???

Right now in my life, I’m undertaking numerous projects, and nearly all of them are dependent on my working with other groups of people in order to make it, from music to books to various writing projects. That works great for me as I hate doing things solo and prefer to work with a bunch of folks I respect. It also helps that we’re all broke right now so the inevitable break up due to financial differences and management by a middle-aged white man isn’t happening for at least another 4 years. BUT…at that point we’ll be rich so its okay because they won’t show me at the bar drunk and mad cuz I pissed the opportunity for 13 minutes of fame and stardom down the drain. No..at that point, they’ll show me on my yacht talking about how fucked up my other group members/co-conspirators are while women of varying ethnicities that I don’t know spend my money on Cristal and Toblerone candy.

So that has become my personal philosophy. I believe I’m supposed to be doing something big in life but I ain’t dumb enough to believe that I can do it without the help of others around me who’ve had my back since day one. That’s just dumb. And if I start out with somebody and we have good synergy, you better believe that I’m not jumping ship because I refuse to be in the movie of somebody else’s life being played by that mixed boy, Arnez, from the tv show One on One or the movie Coach Carter, and being the jackass who causes all kinds of internal problems and ultimately leaves angered, saying some shit like “I made yo asses…without David Ruffin…the Temptations ain’t nothin!!!!”

Actually it’d be more like, “without Panama Jackson, you nigga’s ain’t crackin’!!!!!”

That’s Bobby Brown’s job.

I also refuse to come back and sing “Nights like this I wish, raindrops would faaa-aaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaallllllll” in a sequined one-piece jumper with a bad perm. I just won’t do it.

And if I ever get to do my life story, you better believe, I’ll put your ass in my movie and feature you…

…prominently…

…at McDonald’s.

So there it is, the Panama Jackson Philosophy: Never be that dude…

…because karma can be a bitch.

Fucked Up. noun/adjective. the art of doing something or participating in something that is completely and totally not right as defined by the good Black Folks of America council situated somewhere in downtown Washington, DC, Detroit, Atlanta, Mississippi, or enclave where Black people occupy more than 65% of the population

There’s a war going on outside that no man is safe from. And that war is found on one of the few venues for entertainment that I actually tend to find amusing on most occasions. That war is on MTV and can be found in the form of Ashton Kuchter’s show Punk’d.

Black people, especially you rappers out there, watch your back homiez. And yes the “z” was put there to signifiy that I was talking to the urban (read: black) generation who are adept at misspelling simple things such as that, the, and them (dat, da, and dem, respectively) and somehow consistantly using “z” instead of the mandatory “s” that accompanies most plural forms of words. It is beautiful the ability of black folks to recreate shit that is already set in stone.

As pre-grits Al Green says, it’s simply beautiful.

I’m a fan of Punk’d. Nothing can top the ability to see how these celebrities, who are notorious for their fake ass public personas, act when confronted with situations that would frazzle even the most normal human being. For instance, the Omarion/Marques Houston episode was priceless to me. If you didn’t see it, a young lady claimed to have been impregnated by Omarion, who quickly dipped out of the area, and Marques Houston (also known as MH) was forced to discuss the pregnancy with the woman. Honestly, that shit was funny. Or the John Heder (of Napolean Dynamite fame, which is consequently one of the worst fuckin’ films EVER, and I’ve seen the independent films Trois AND Pandora’s Box) episode where they were caught in a “cathouse.”

Classic shit.

However, every now and then…Ashton and company go to fuckin’ far. I know its all jokes and everything, but sometimes, you really are tapping into some people’s worst fears. For instance, and I’m not making excuses for any of those folks affected behaviors here, but shit, when you got rappers or hell black folks who are from less than favorable conditions and you bring the police into the picture and make it seem like somebody might go to jail on some federal shit, well, now you’re just being mean.

And yes I’m playing the black man versus the police card here. If you got beef with it fuck you and die.

Now its not always the case where it seems like somebody might go to jail. For instance, when Outkast’s driver allegedly drove a Bentley (or maybe it was a Maybach) into a storefront window, well that was funny. Mostly because it was about who was going to pay the close to $500,000 costs for the damages and the car. Seeing Andre 3000 tell the fake cop that he was Bruce Banner was pure comedy. He promptly got on his cell phone and let Big Boi do all the talking. NOW you see why Dre couldn’t run a record label to save his life. That nigga says fuck it to controversy and let’s others handle things.

However, this weekend, I saw on reruns an episode of Punk’d that featured a sketch that was just FUCKED UP. And this feature included none other than your ACTUAL favorite rapper’s favorite rapper, T.I. from that Westside of Atlanta.

The basis of this punk was that T.I. was boarding a plane to make some engagement somewhere and while the baggage handler was placing T.I. and his boyz luggage on board, a bag with some contraband of the illegal variety, that would tip off a police dog, would be placed amongst the bags. I’m sure you can figure out what happened next. The dog barks. Everybody off the plane. Who owns the bag? What’s in the bag?

Now this might be funny to those on the outside looking in seeing as most of us don’t have criminal records and DIDN’T JUST GET OUT OF JAIL EARLY AND ARE CLEARLY ON PROBATION. But let us not forget that T.I. JUST got out of jail a few months ago. This nigga is still on probation. And you’re going to play with this fool by making him think that some drugs or something illegal might be on his flight and THEN put the blame on him????

Through the whole sketch, you could see how worried T.I. was. He kept trying to shut his boys up and get them to cooperate and be as honest as possible. Essentially, this cat was thinking his life was on the line here on some humble shit that had nothing to do with him. When one of his boys told the cop that the bag was T.I.’s…well, he looked like he could have killed him.

Which brings me to another point. His boys are FUCKED UP. How do you set your boy up with the POLICE???? Knowing that this nigga is on probation and will be scared shitless of having to go back to jail. Yeah he has a video where he’s in jail and he ain’t “never scared”.

Yeah yeah.

But that shit is a video. Now you got him thinking he might go to jail because out of the bag comes some what???

Bullets. Yes, bullets.

Bullets tend to go with guns. Guns would be a violation of his probation. How do I know this??? Nigga, if you are a felon, owning a gun is ALWAYS a direct violation of your probation.

Bullets=Gun=direct violation of probation=JAIL BITCH.

So MTV and his boys decided it was a good idea to fuck with T.I. like THAT??? I mean really, that’s just wrong to utmost level of wrongticity. When Ashton came out, T.I. wasn’t relieved, he was pissed. With every right to be pissed. These niggas decided to play with his freedom on some joke shit?? Lisa Leslie gets to feel bad because a midget knocks over a tall LA style space heater. Some Russian chick gets to have beef over a fake black and white dog stuck in the gutter. But T.I., a dude who is on probation (which he informs us is for 7 years) gets to feel worried and concerned that on some shit that ain’t even his, he might go to jail.

REAL JAIL.

FEDERAL jail.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is fucked up.

I’m usually a fan of Punk’d but that stunt crossed the line. You’d think that after the D12 episode they would have learned that black folks don’t necessarily do to well with cops when it comes to potential jail time. These are folks who are doing well and living well, finally, and you gonna fuck around with their freedom??? On some joke shit?

So to MTV, Ashton, and T.I.’s fucked up boyz…fuck you. You’ve suceeded in trying to make a black man look like a punk.

Good.

Damn.

Job.