Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

I’m in the process of moving right now and it’s a royal pain in the ass. Honestly, moving has managed to creep its way up to number two on the list, with getting my nether regions caught in a fan being number one, as things I look the least forward to in life. As with any big move you come across a lot of trash and things that you just cannot keep for whatever reason.

Such is the case with my couch.

You see, I’m moving into a basement apartment. For those unfamiliar with basement apartments, it’s merely what used to be slave quarters or servant quarters beneath a house. It’s a complete apartment, just beneath the main house. Hence the term basement. For those educated scholars who are like, “do Panama think we dumb or sumfin and don’t e’en know what a basement apartment be like???”, you’d be amazed to learn how many people have asked me…umm, what’s a basement apartment.

But I digress.

So the entryway to my new place is kind of small; small enough that anybody who could be nicknamed Tubby just ain’t coming over and getting stuck in my entryway, then getting mad when I point and laugh. Two things of mine, due to the laws of physics, gravity, and depth perception, would not fit through my entryway, and furthermore into my new door. Those two things are my couch and my mattress box spring. The latter which caused a grown ass man to be seriously disheartened.

So the angel in me decided to do what any benevolentminded individual would do, donate the couch and a computer desk I still have but no longer wanted to charity. There are lots of organizations that need slightly used, apparently ugly (which I only realized after I was told by numerous people, “you know Panama, that’s one ugly couch”, when to me the fact that it was free made it absolutely beautiful, in an inner beauty Hunchback of Notre Dame kind of way)…right??

Right???

If the answer to that question is yes, why in the HELL am I having so much trouble finding an organization to come and pick up my couch?

Let me give you a quick breakdown of the Panama Benevolence Project (PBP) and the dead ends I’ve encountered. I’ve hit up numerous websites to determine what organizations might be in need of furniture and guess what?? Nearly all of them want couches.

Check.

On said websites for these organizations, many of them state that they have pickup services. Glory day…I NEED pick up services.

Check.

PBP: Tuesday, July 26, 10:43 a.m.
Call to Salvation Army of Washington, DC (located in Riverdale, MD)

Salvation Army: Hello, this is *black name here*, how can I help you?

Philanthropic Panama: Yes sir, my name is Panama AKA Big Sexxy Smoove Soul Brutha #2, and I’d like to donate a couch and a computer desk to help the people of the world because I believe that if you can give you should give, and besides I’m moving and this couch won’t fit through my new door.

Salvation Army: What’s your zip code?

Philanthropic Panama: My zip code is 20782.

Salvation Army: We don’t pick up in that zip code. Thanks for calling and feel free to drop off your couch when you have some spare time. The Salvation Army appreciates your donation.

*click*

Philanthropic Panama (still holding phone): *befuddled look on face*

Exsqueeze me?? Did I just get the Dominoes Pizza We Don’t Deliver To Neighborhoods We’ve Been Jacked In Policy treatment?? You don’t pick up in my ZIP CODE? I assume its due to lack of resources or something since the location that does pickups and dropoffs is like two towns over so why waste gas and time for a 1o minute trip when you have places 30 minutes or farther you must get to, but to me that means you don’t have much to go out of your way.

I’m trying to give away free goods here. Free. I don’t even need the tax writeoff. As opposed to just sitting the couch on the street, I’m hoping it will go to somebody who needs it. But nope. Not at the Salvation Army it won’t.

Same thing with Goodwill. I’ve called at least two other places and gotten similar responses. You’re too close, we don’t do pickups there. Apparently, those in need aren’t as needy as we think they are if charitable organizations that claim to pick up furniture from homes can be picky and choosy about where they get their items from. And here I am thinking people in need actually need things. How wrong was I?

In my mind, if you’re a charitable organization that does indeed pick up goods, then you should, well, pick up goods regardless of where they are located. There is no good reason that just because I’m close to where you are, you WON’T come pick up some goods that might be put to good use by somebody who actually needs a couch.

I’m still not going to just put my couch on the road for anybody come pick up since I’m determined that it should go somewhere that a person who really needs it can benefit, but good googly moogly. How much trouble does one have to go through nowadays to freakin’ DONATE something. That’s all I want to do.

Make a donation.

But I live in the wrong zip code…

…as if a person in need really cares.

[***EDIT (July 27, 2005; 1212 p.m.): The PBP has just been rejected from donating this couch from two more outlets specializing in providing the homeless, abused, and/or refugeed. I'm starting to take this personal. Apparently, needs have all been met.***]

We’re gonna continue ingnorance week at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises with a look at a new trend that seems to be sweeping the nation, and I’m not talking the Nation of Islam, I’m talking the nation of club-going individuals and men to women interactions more specifically.

Yes ladies and gentleman, we’re going to examine the shift from trying to convince a woman to go home with you to basically telling her to give you that p**** and why that seems okay!!!

[***Sidenote: You know, I curse quite frequently and my language use at times could make Roseanne blush, however there is one word that is just downright the nastiest, dirtiest, most filthy word in the English language: pussy. I just feel dirty every time I say that word, which is very rare since I don't like feeling dirty. Who does? For some reason it's up there with the word "delicious" (there is no masculine way to say delicious, there just isn't) as words I just do not feel right saying at any time, place, or subway station. ***]

Since summer started, there have been two songs that I just can’t escape no matter where I go. They just so happen to be two of the most downright ignorant songs ever created. Mind you, I like totally ignorant songs. I’m often offended when people go just a little ignorant and still try to be respectful in parts. I hate that with a passion. If you’re going to do something, go all the way with it dammit.

Panama says, if you’re going to do something, do it well.

Message!

The two guilty pleasures I’m speaking of are the Ying Yang Twins’ song “Wait (The Whisper Song)” and Lil Webbie’s song “Gimme That”. Actually, I only really like the Ying Yang Twins song. I love that song and if you don’t I almost think you’re a hater (except for the fact that it’s, you know, the Ying Yang Twins). In fact, they actually put out a damn good album. I know, I know, I may have just garnered a universal “huh” from the educated people out there, but I’ll be R. Kelly’s attorney (similar to a monkey’s uncle without the guilty feeling of waking up scratching yourself only to realize you’re ass is red like an orangutan…makes no sense does it?) if this album doesn’t actually have songs on there that might, in effect, make you…

…wait for it…

…you ready?…

…seems like you’re ready…

…think.

Trust me, it amazed me too.

Lil Webbie’s album?? Well, let’s just say, its a journey through the land of bitches, hoes, and what he’ll do to another nigga. On every song. For a whole album. Yes, it’s that bad. I know I said I like my ignorance all the way, but can you vary the ignorance or at least make it comedic?? For instance, NWA’s EFIL4ZAGGIN, which is one of my two favorite rap albums of all time, with the other being De La Soul is dead, has certain songs dedicated to killing people, others dedicated to bitches and hoes, and others dedicated to just plain ole dumb shit. Even the skits, chock full of ignorance have some comedic value to them. It’s very funny to hear an album full of at least 1.2 million murders have a PSA geared towards ending drunk driving…especially when in said PSA they tell you to smoke some weed instead.

Good times I swear.

I seem to have lost my point somewhere…just wait ’til I get on track, I’m gonna finally make my point…like BAM BAM…oh yes…clubs.

These songs, though very vulgar and disprespectful to women, seem to be all the rage. For instance, in the Ying Yang masterpiece “Wait”, they aren’t whispering sweet nothings in the ear of their victim, they’re telling her to pull her thumb out of her mouth and insert his schlongage. The fact that any women would be sucking her thumb at a club is problematic in the first place, but I guess some guys are into that kind of thing. At least you know she ain’t afraid to put someth…aww skip it.

These fools are whispering, “just wait til you see my Ooooh, I’m gonna beat that, beat that up” (I really like how in the original video version they have that “ooooooh” as the replacement for male genitalia…I do love it indeed). And I’ll bet some chick in some club in some city in America, now, because of that song, will find it funny and charming, and leave with some dude that says that.

Then on the flip side, instead of whispering at the object of desire, Lil Webbie cuts straight the point and very aggressively tells the chick, GIMME THAT P****! There’s no whispering going on there. Nosiree bob. Now it’s not the methods that really have me vexed, it’s what is being said. And more importantly…

…does that shit work?

If it does work, when did this paradigm shift occur? Back in the day, you essentially had to cake a chick into leaving the club with you. As a man, you were required to make her believe you were a good man who wouldn’t take advantage of her 30 minutes after you left the club, even if your sole purpose for living was to take advantage of her 30 minutes after you left the club. It was just the rules, play the nice buy/bad boy angle. You couldn’t just tell a chick, “look baby, just wait til you see my dick…you’re gonna love it!! For real, you will, cross my heart, hope to have you spread 8 ways from Sunday over my Cotton-esque blend comforter.”

But the popularity of these songs makes me wonder if women just got tired of all the game and decided the truth was the most important. You hear from women all the time that they want a man to just be real about his intentions, but i believe that the second he says, “well…GIMME THAT P****…girl gimme that…girl gimme that gimme that there…”, you’re gonna be offended.

The Ying Yang’s approach seems a little more smooth, though none the less as aggressive.

“you fine but I ain’t gonna sweat ya/girl I wanna fuck, tell me what’s up”-the one that doesn’t yell so much

I mean does that approach garner better results? If a man approaches a woman nowadays like that, is his success rate going to increase? And just for kicks, if he follows that line up with,”I’m gonna beat that p**** up”, does he lose points?

I often hear men say that they want aggressive women. You know, the kind of woman who will come up to them and express their intentions to ride the rodeo. Well, that ain’t me jack. It tends to make me uncomfortable. For one…what the hell am I supposed to do then?? You took all my game away and basically relegated me to a “yay” or “nay”. Can I get a little conversation or something, maybe get to know me a little??

Hmm…delicious.

But do women like that approach as well? And if so, can somebody put an APB out to all men across the nation so they can quit looking lame as broke neck ostriches in Toledo after a hurricane by spitting stupid lines and lies to women. Just tell the truth to them that you want to hit. If the popularity of these songs is any indication, that’s all it takes anyway.

Besides, if you do that, you get to say BAM BAM BAM BAM about 18 times…

…and according to the video, the ladies love that.

[***DISCLAIMER: The following words scattered about this post might offend the very sensibilities of all of you reading black folks. I will be using the word "nigga" both gratuitously and educationally and frankly, don't give a shit if you have a problem with it or not. If you find offense at the constant gratuitous and unneccessary use of the word "nigga" and feel that everybody who uses the word "nigga" is ignorant, well, kiss my ass, shut the fuck up, have a Coke and smile. You've been warned. I like being ignorant. ***]

“I’m a nigga, he’s a nigga, she’s a nigga, we some niggas, wouldn’t ya like to be a nigga too????”- Eazy-E of the group NWA, skit from EFIL4ZAGGIN

I’m one of the niggas that believes in other nigga’s causes. If you want to end world hunger, then I’m that nigga that has your back. End poverty?? Nigga…it’s game on. I’m also that nigga that wants to put other people onto causes that aren’t as popular yet. In essence, I believe in promoting causes that I believe in. Hence, today I’d like to introduce the world to a campaign I just found out about that clearly isn’t making the noise it should be making. I’m a nigga in the know so the fact that I hadn’t heard of it bothers me. So I’d like to introduce the world to the:

Ban the N-Word Campaign

Let me tell you how this nigga right here became acquainted with the Ban The N-Word Campaign. See, I run an under e-ground internet magazine entitled, We The Voices (which is coming back in August…woosah bitches, wooosah), in which I’m the HNIC AKA the Head Nigga In Charge. Well, myself as well as my co-editor are listed on the contact page and informed that any niggas can email us with anything. So we often get placed on random listserv’s much to the chagrin of us niggas.

Well, one day last week, my co-editor, the NMFIC AKA the Next MuhFucka In Charge, informs me that I should check my email. Lo and behold, a nigga finds an email from an organization entitled the Ban the N-Word Campaign. Well, the NMFIC kindly requested for them to remove We The Voices email addresses from their listserv which they said they’d do…but they wanted this nigga right here’s information. Me, the “HNIC”.

Now I couldn’t figure out why they would want my personal information and a mailing address. Maybe they wanted to send us niggas some pamphlets or something. Well, shortly thereafter we receive another email stating how they had JUST taken a look at the site and now understand the thought process of “We-The-Voices.” Apparently us niggas over at WTV thrive on calling ourselves “niggers, niggas, niggahs, niggaz”, even with the racist history of the word. The also informed us that WTV and BN-W clearly have very different outlooks!

Stop.

As a nigga that reads, it amazes me how many snap decisions people make without actually reading things they attempt to get involved in. One look over the site and any half educated nigga would realize that WTV uses language that speaks to us regular niggas. Basically, we talk about niggas a lot. If I was going to try to involve an organization or group into my campaign, and had plenty of information to peruse, I’d at least read the shit to determine if these niggas would be the kind of folks who would be on my side and push my cause further.

But that’s just a nigga like me.

Anyway, I was offended at their assertion that WTV and the Ban The N-Word Campaign had very different outlooks. I disagree. You see, much like the Ban The N-Word campagin, WTV is about upliftment, not just of niggas, but of people everywhere. I do, however, have some disagreements with their methods. For instance, I don’t believe that every nigga that uses the word nigga is ignorant. In fact, I know some very well educated niggas that use the word nigga frequently. They know full well what they’re saying when they’re saying it.

Other than that, I thought that I might have been able to get with these nigga’s cause.

Hmmm…let’s see?!?!?!

The Ban The N-Word Campaign hit our site up with numerous articles about the work that they’re doing to enlighten niggas everywhere about the use of the word nigga. Now since I’m introducing the cause to those niggas that don’t know about it, I thought I’d share some of their practices and methods for spreading the word. For instance, they monitor music and make recommendations about the music that has been released for niggas who, much like themselves, don’t like the word nigga. Here’s an excerpt from one of their mailers from 2004:

“Mario Winans, an R&B singer, uses it about 14 times on his album. Kanye West is trying to get into spreading social awareness, which we can appreciate, but his excessive use of the N-word makes you wonder how much he really knows about his history if he doesn’t know better than to use that word, so we can’t even give him an unconditional plug. Outkast’s Andre 3000 doesn’t use the N-word on his side of the two-set CD, but Big Boi goes for his. Just so you’re aware, usually along with the N-word usage, many also have the following language in excess: hoes, bitches, material things (cars, jewels, etc.), fu_king, smoking weed, drinking alcohol, and sniffing cocaine. One positive with some of the rap music is that the rappers/hip-hoppers don’t seem to be doing as much sampling. Some of the beats are funky or “slamming,” as the slang goes, but so what. If the lyrics overall aren’t saying much on top of using the N-word excessively, again, so what. We were told that you can purchase an instrumental version of all the songs, so if you love the beat that much consider doing that and then rapping or singing over it yourself.”

Now, I must say, it sounds a little judgemental to me. I’m not knocking these niggas campaign, and this is just a small excerpt from a list of theirs, however, it strikes me oddly that these niggas would assume that Kanye wouldn’t know much about his history because he uses the word nigga. Just because he uses the word that the niggas over at the Ban The N-Word Campaign don’t like doesn’t mean he’s ignorant. They don’t really know that nigga to make assumptions about his education for his use of the word nigga. Had they called him an asshole, maybe they’d have more leverage, but just because he uses the word nigga??

Nah.

I understand these niggas sentiments since they believe that any nigga that uses the word nigga is ignorant, however, I don’t happen to agree with them, since I for one use the word nigga from time to time. It just seems rather fuckin’ wrong to assume that niggas who use the word nigga are just wrong and ignorant. The fact that these “campaigners” have this much time to research and find everything wrong with people that use the word nigga and deem all those that use the word to be detrimental, ignorant, and just debasing to black culture just seems to be rather, well, fucked up and using of misguided energy. However, that’s these nigga’s thing. So I say fuck you to the Ban The N-Word Campaign.

But that’s neither here nor there.

I must say that though we at WTV believe in upliftment of niggas similar to the Ban The N-Word Campaign, this isn’t really a cause I can stand behind myself. Now why can’t I get behind it?? Well, these niggas came at my organization, WTV, sideways. I don’t cotton to well to folks coming at me, my compadres, or niggas sideways. The fact that they straight up spammed my email boxes with their propoganda BEFORE they realized that we weren’t exactly the kind of niggas they were lookin’ for is okay…shit happens. However, upon realizing it, there is no need to be condescending or jackassholish to niggas who aren’t on the EXACT same plane you’re on. I don’t like condescending organizations or niggas who feel like they are better than others because they are “enlightened” or some shit.

In fact, I can’t stand ANY motherucker who thinks that they’re the better niggas because they don’t use the word and try to beat me over the head with their rhetoric and shit JUST because they feel like it is right. Kiss my ass nigga. And there are a lot of niggas like that running around. Probably a few reading this shit right now. Many niggas determine that because they don’t use the word they should attempt to impress their gospel into every nigga they know that they’ve heard use the word. And frankly, to all you niggas like that and organizations like that, I humbly proffer…

…fuck you.

Most times I’d just rake them niggas over the coal and be done with it.

However…

…this time I felt the proper thing to do would be to enlighten other niggas with a cause they might be able to get behind and benefit from. Just because I think it’s shit based on their methods doesn’t mean others can’t get behind it. It’s only right since they work so hard to stop niggas from engaging in behaviors that are so detrimental to the upliftment of black people as a whole.

They need more exposure.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I implore you to discover more about the Ban The N-Word Campaign, a campaign intended to eradicate the word nigga from the lips, hearts, and minds of niggas everywhere.

And to the Ban The N-Word campaign…fuck you, BUT…

…y’all niggas do y’all thing.

As an oft internet browsing young buck, I’ve found that there is one destination that as a young black man, I was destined to find. I think I remember this site in its infancy, before the annoying surveys, advertisements for JobCorps, and dating scene. I discovered this site and the first thing I noticed was that it was the slowest damn site in existence. Of course, the fact that I was still using dial-up to access said site could very well have been the problem. But some 6 years after I first ventured to it, its still moving slower than legless men running a marathon, and I have a DSL connection at home and a government issue T-Infinity connection at the place of employment.

And this place has gone to hell in a handbasket. Not that it was the most advanced or wonderful location in the first place but I’ll be damned if it isn’t the internet equivalent of the projects at this point. Yes bitches…

…I’m talking about BlackPlanet. Or as I like to refer to it: BlackPlanet Homes.

[***DISCLAIMER: I know a lot of you have BlackPlanet pages. Hell I used to have one. But facts are facts. If you still regularly chill on, check your Notes, or find people to date and/or meet up with on BlackPlanet, and are over the age of 18, you need Jesus. And if Jesus isn't your thing, you need to just destroy your page and quit hanging out in the damn e-projects. If the words that are coming out of my fingers happen to offend any of you BlackPlanet Homes dwellers, then by all means, kiss my ass. Thanks.***]

My people, you know I love you. I even have an “I Heart Black People” shirt to prove it. But somebody, anybody needs to riddle me this shit:

How the FUCK did we create the PROJECTS on the internet????

*having trouble breathing*

Before I get there though…there is something that I just don’t understand. I can’t quite grasp the reasoning behind why everything on the internet black related tends to go to shit at some point…hmm…or starts out as shit. Let’s take this to real life as well. We all have family members who live in the projects. If you don’t, well, slap me silly and call me Susan because you are the ONE AND ONLY anomaly. Being as we all have family members living in the projects, we’re all subject to stories from the old folks about how nice the neighborhood “used” to be. When the projects first opened (like its an amusement park) nice families lived there who just couldn’t quite make ends meet (big ups to University Homes, the first public housing project in America in the great city of Atlanta, GA…now THAT’S something to be proud of…you have just witnessed misguided pride).

Over time, and I’m trying to think of a nice way to say this, the projects went to shit. Period. My mother grew up in Bowen Homes in Atlanta. According to my family that USED to be a nice neighborhood. Well I still have family there and I shit you not, there is NO WAY I’d go in there unless I knew the code words: my cousin is such and such, please don’t shoot. The fact that it’s on Bankhead Highway is bad enough (which should get its own Behind The Ghetto special on vh1), but damn…Bowen Homes ain’t no joke. But I hear stories about how it used to be a nice place.

Hmmm…

So my question is, how do we turn nice things to horrible shit??? And it happens all the time. My neighborhood in Atlanta, Peyton Place, was a nice neighborhood according to my family back in the late ’60s and ’70s.

Ummm…somebody got shot on my back porch in the late ’90s. Thank you.

So what is it about black neighborhoods that turns them to shit and how the fuck did we manage to bring that same mentality to the gotdamned INTERNET???? We can blame crack, the CIA, and OJ Simpson for some of the bad shit in real life, but crack doesn’t have shit to do with the internet.

Good God. Only in BlackPlanet Homes can you find page after page of I_GivGr8_Head or DC_PhatHoney_69 or SuckTNutz. And it’s bad enough that the user names suck ass (hmm, that’s probably a user name), but good got damn…the graphics HELL that exists is horrendous. Pages of scrolling words, both horizontally and vertically…shit looks like a fuckin’ crossword puzzle with no clues. Famed “prison stance” pictures and hoodrat “ass like that” photos align every page. There are shoutouts to the dead homies and to every ghetto neighborhood.

[***Sidenote: This overly "extra" mentality that exists on BP reminded me of this woman I saw in a local mall in DC on Sunday. This chick in an unnamed store had on, no bullshit, 30 fuckin' rings. On one hand. On five fingers. And that's all I could count because I KNOW I missed some. There were rings everywhere. Up to the chimney, wound round the stairs...spaghetti spaghetti EVERYWHERE. My people, sometimes you can go to fuckin' far. I blame her parents who never explained to her the art of moderation. And it is an art. Which could also explain why she has a retail job with 5 inch fingernails and wonders why she "accidentally" discounted my hat purchase. We gotz 2 do mo' betta! ***]

And the worst shit of all…niggas gangbangin’ on BlackPlanet.

Some.

Body.

Kill.

Me.

I volunteered at a high school in DC. I think every student in the school had a BlackPlanet Page. I remember one day, I watched one of my students update his page with some of the worst graphic choices I’ve ever seen. I mean his shit made the graphics in the movie Anaconda look like the best use of digital technology ever. I asked him why in the hell he would put that asstastic mess of pure fuckery all over his page and he informed me that his page was that hotness and I was too old to understand.

Thank God.

And the streaming music…my goodness. Only on BP can you be treated to the same 15 second snippet of Khia’s blockbuster single “My Neck, My Back” over and over and over to your heart’s desire. With no option to shut the shit off.

I hate BlackPlanet.

[***Another Sidenote: Speaking of music, the good folks over at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises have decided to launch WJGT Radio and join into the fray that is radioblogging. I talk about music so much I figure I might as well put the world (or however many people come thru here) onto what myself, as well as the many guest DJ's are listening too. Coming soon to JGT Enterprises, the subsidiary, WJGT Radio: Panama's City. Breaking new acts (including my own songs) and providing you the virgin listen of many albums that won't be out for a few weeks. Yes...I got that crack! ***]

I honestly don’t get it. How the hell did BlackPlanet manage to go from a place where black folks could meet to a place that Hoodesha and JuanCarlosEstebanMustafa Jones could create the most utterly fuckerific artistic catastrophes and claim sets with pictures of their homies standing around with Tech 9’s.

I guess the better question is, WHY???

Why does this shit occur? Did everybody who had some sense just abandon ship at some point?? Is that how BlackPlanet devolved into the projects that it is today?? And why is it SO DAMN POPULAR with the kids?? Actually that’s probably an easy answer. If I’m 16 and I see a page sexkitten_lickylicky_6969696969696969, well, I’m hitting that page up.

And why the fuck can’t we leave the hood in the hood. BlackPlanet Homes is kind of like BET to me. White people don’t know it exists for the most part, or care, but when they do happen upon it, it just confirms the shit they already thought. Hell…it confirms the shit I think, which is that no matter how hard we try or the intention…niggas will ultimately find their way into it and take over.

That’s a damn shame.

So I guess there’s nothing left to do but join the fray, so here’s my newest user name:

WE_AINT_GONNA_MAKE_IT

BlackPlanet Homes…where we live.

This world is filled with a lot of hatred and just plain ole fuckedupedness. The suicide bombings in London this morning are proof positive that we live in a world where people can justify taking the lives of others or harming others to prove a point. I don’t know who’s responsible, nor do I know what point was being proven, but I do know that I’d like to say fuck you to all those individuals who feel the need to kill or maim others for some fucked up ideal they have.

Hmmm…

[***SIDENOTE: I know that many people are able to feel no remorse for attacks like this or even that which happened during September 11, 2001. I've even heard some of my own friends tell me that America had it coming and it's just too damn bad. Well if this is you and you think that countries that expereience terrorist attacks deserve it and can justify the deaths of innocent people due to foreign policy or anything of the sort, then I'd also like to say to YOU, well, fuck you and die. Thank you.***]

To counteract the pain and hurt that the world is feeling, I’ve decided to go the other route. You see, what the world needs now is love, sweet love. In fact, we all need to do a little dance, make a little love, hell, we all need to just get down tonight…get down tonight.

I realized one day that there is a lost art. Well there’s not just one lost art. In fact there are probably lots of lost arts to include underwater basketweaving and snow angels. However, the lost art that I’m speaking of is one that technology has invariably destroyed along with the possible increased laziness of the masses of people.

I’m talking about the art of the slow jamz tape AKA the get the drawz tape. Today we’d have to replace the word tape with CD, but it just doesn’t have the same ring to it. In the ’80s and early ’90s, people used to buy cassette tapes left and right. Men and women alike would craft their own personal get the drawz tapes for those special occasions when that special lady or manfriend was going to be making that stop after the movies at their humble abode. They’d pop in the tape, let the music set the mood, and let the smooth sounds of Christopher Williams or Al B. Sure! get the shaggin’ on and poppin’. And make no mistake, everybody KNEW what was going on when that tape hit the deck.

Times just aren’t that good anymore.

Nowadays, nobody takes time to craft a slow jamz CD that has the intention of laying the soundtrack for that good 2 to 3 minute joyride into erotic pleasure.

Well I have. Sometime last year, a contest was borne between a friend and myself about who could create the best Get The Drawz CD.

I won.

Mostly because she not only didn’t finish her CD, but it just wasn’t as good as mine. Period. You see, there are certain tenets of the get the drawz CD that must be adhered too. You must start it off slow, then speed it up a little bit, and then bring it back home to that point where you know, you’re required to talk or some shit after you get the drawz.

[***ANOTHER SIDENOTE: I'd really like to know the actual correct spelling of "drawz". For instance, is it really "drawers"?? Because that looks dumb. Not that "draws" or "drawz" looks so sexxy either, I'm just saying. Or maybe this is one of those words that should only be said and never written down, like supercallafragrealisticexpeallydocious...or however the fuck you spell that. ***]

Well, to increase the love and love making going on, and because I know none of you bohos out there are making sex tapes, well music sex tapes, not R. Kelly-Eve-Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson sex tapes, I decided to provide one option for a get the drawz CD with songs mostly from the early ’90s to last year. Please, in order to create the love and further the pheromone phun, strap up.

Without further ado…

Panama Jackson Presents Get The Drawz Deluxe: 16 Tracks For Dat Azz!!

1. Joe-Somebody’s Gotta Be On Top

Now see, if you start the evening off with this song, you set the mood, the purpose, and the point ALL with one song. Joe doesn’t get nearly enough credit for crafting great R&B in the late ’90s like he deserves. Nope, muhfuckas wanna talk about Ginuwine and shit.

2. Boyz II Men-Uhh Ahh

So they’ve fallen off harder than Sean Paul (the Jamaican) that doesn’t change the fact that they were making that straight up good music early on. Now most of their music tends to be on the beautiful and not the sloppy, comefuckmedaddy/ma type songs, however, this song is guaranteed to get it on and poppin’, from the countdown on til Micheal Deepvoicednegro saying “injection”…you KNOW what’s going down.

10…9…8…

Quickbreakinthaentertainment: What the fuck DID happen to Sean Paul. One day he was everywhere the next nobody gave a shit about him. Must be because he’s lightskinneded.

Potentially some of you will have to stop at this point and go thru that little “latency” phase. You know the point where you’re lady kind of waits around while you look at the ceiling and feel ashamed because you are indeed a minuteman. It’s okay, they got Niagra and everything now, though if you have an erection that last more than 4 hours, go see a doctor.

3. Jodeci-Freek ‘N You

Does this song even NEED an explanation. Honestly, this gets my vote as best Jodeci song ever. A close second would be “Cry For You” but it’s open for debate.

Actually no its not. What I say is law!

4. Xscape-Softest Place On Earth

I’m sure some of you have never heard this song. For the love of everything velvet, this song is that crack when it comes to between the sheetedness. You need this in your life.

5. LSG-My Body

The fact that all three of these men could quite easily be gay and actually singing to eachother is of no consequence, this song is guaranteed to start to speed things up a little. Though it also began the annoying trend of songs that sounded exactly like this shit from Silk and other no name ass singers that you don’t know of today. All produced by the same negro, De-Lite something or other.

6. Usher-That’s What It’s Made For

(And you guys should be ready to go again by this point, if not, she must REALLY love you.)

Hands down, the most focused song on Usher’s Confessions album. It’s a little faster and let’s you know exactly what its made for. Though I do have some beef with the fact that he “accidentally” went raw…eh…shit happens, right??? Right???

By the way, to all those folks out there who think its just men who will look past the fact that they have no protection, its pure and utter bullshit. Women do the same thing. Apparently, when you’re REALLY feeling it, sometimes folks just lose all sense of logic and say fuck it, literally and figuratively. It ain’t just men!!!

Yes…men ain’t the only ones who don’t think!!!!

7. Silk-Freak Me

Yes, everybody’s favorite group that fell the fuck off has made an appearance. Personally, “Lose Control” is my favorite song on this album but this song just adds a more playful tinge to the festivities. Hmm…you know what, this is a classic R&B album.

Panama has proclaimed that Silk’s Lose Control is a classic album.

It was written.

8. Profyle-Damn

Now I see the WTF??? expressions on faces right now. Probably because you don’t know who Profyle is. But yes, I have this album and yes I like it and yes this song has the perfect speed, to include the stoccato stops and starts to give you the perfect rhythm. Damn indeed…DAMN…indeed! Trust me on this one.

9. 112-Anywhere

“we can do it anywhere…”

Nothing more needs to be said. That’s not true, the rap at the end is pointless but it fit at the time, now Lil Zane is a hasbeen that never was. BUT…he can do it anywhere!! Great ass song! Pun intended.

10. Jodeci-Alone

It is not possible to make an ass CD without Jodeci showing up more than once. It just isn’t. They were kings of getting ass back in the day. Hell there music proved that as an ugly singing ass black man, you too can pull Mary J. Blige. Yes, there music taught us to not only love, it also taught us about loving somebody for whats on the inside…umm…

I’m sorry but that last line is just funny.

11. Jagged Edge-Slow Motion

This is the point where we start slowing it down a little bit. You know after you’re both (or all 3/4/5) of you are tired from all that sped up action that occured in the middle of the CD. I mean you still got your motion going, but its just slow…ya know??!!!?!

That rhymed.

12. Tevin Campbell-Shhhh

“I wanna do you after school like some homework…”

Hmm…sounds like some shit R. Kelly would say. However, this song is damn near perfect.

13. Boyz II Men-50 Candles

I don’t know how many people remember this song from the NathanMichaelShawnWanya album but I’ll be DAMNED if it ain’t the perfect oil your woman down smack it up flip it rub it down song. That way you can feel the sweat runnin’ all ova yo boooooooooooooody.

14. Johnny Gill-Let’s Just Run Away

This was on the Mo’ Money soundtrack, one of the best soundtracks EVER. Okay, that’s not true, but it was good and this song just topped it all off. If you haven’t heard this song, PLEASE go find a copy of this. You’re life will be better and you’ll get points for coming up with a song that most folks don’t even remember. You might get some extra hip rotator cuff action or something off this shit…you know, if that’s your thing. Hell you might get flipped upside down and…well, you do the imaginationeering, which is a side profession of engineering.

It’s the prequel.

15. Janet Jackson-Anytime, Anyplace

I’m sure this needs no explanation as EVERYBODY would think to put this on an ass CD. Plus its Janet. She has to make an appearance somewhere.

16. Usher-Can You Handle It??

I just like this song for its erotic questionasking ass feel. While you’re sitting there talking its like, “girl, can you handle it???” Fellas, if she says yes…I got one more song as a bonus cut that will make sure you can put youre best “foot” forward, one more time to prove your point!!!

Bonus Cut: Mad Cobra-Flexx

This encore should be enough for both parties to feel good and gully and simultaneously drift off to sleep, assuming it was “knock me out with one shot for the rest of the night” type pleasure…if not, then just go home.

Feel free to use this mixtape at your desire (pun intended) and get the drawz…

…for the love of mankind.

Random thoughts…how do I love thee??

For me, random thoughts occur constantly over the course of the day. From the moment you wake up and notice that spot on the wall that happens to be a spider or roach-like bug and automatically start thinking about how much better the movie Spider-Man 2 would have been if I had been given a red and blue tight suit instead of Tobey Maguire except I’d only work in Harlem until I was robbed and/or killed by Cam’ron in a pink and purple horrible clashtastic spiderman suit while he says “i’ve got computers putin’” over and over again.

SPLAT!! Goes the bug thats on my wall!
SPLAT!! Goes the eyes and legs, watch them fall!

I do nursery rhymes and am available for parties.

Well some of my random thoughts tend to flounder in the realm of society and social problems. And you know, fixing them. You see, I’m in the business of change.

Can you say “chaaaaaaaaaaaaaange?”

(*congregation says “chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange!”)

Let us all say, “Yay-men”!

You know, I’m really going nowhere with that last part at all. So…

…technology.

On one particular day as I was perusing past the same homeless guy I mistakenly referred to as my role model, I began to pontificate on the fact that I didn’t have any change to give him. Being as I used to always have change, I wondered why I often had nothing to offer him…you know, aside from the singles, fives, tens, twenties, and hunnids I bes carryin’ (I’m so lying).

That’s when it dawned on me. The homeless guy’s income has decreased due to technology. He’s sitting in the prime location to be the recipient of lose pocket change. He’s betwixt a McDonald’s, a Quizno’s, and a Wall Street Deli. Perfecto. But the problem is…

…they all take debit cards!

HOLY SHITCAKES BATMAN!!!

Homeless people everywhere are suffering because of the arrogance of humanity. We’ve decided to let technology and our ability to carry less money around and simultaneously reduce our chances of being robbed for major duckets, cause distress to homeless people everywhere. They wait for change…but we have none.

It often hurts my feelings when I don’t have any change to give my Homeless Hero. Actually, it only hurts because my homeless guy is a really nice person. He always speaks to people and offers nice words and it pisses me off when folks ignore him. I’m telling you, if I owned a business, I’d hire him to work the front desk. Okay, maybe not…but it was another random thought.

Back to technology and its effect on beggars.

Ever since the advent of ATM/Debit Card machines at restaurants and small stores, cash has become less and less necessary. I know people who carry about 2 dollars on them at all times. If you have two dollars on you, it means you pick and chose when you’re gonna use that 2 dollars. You only use it when its at its most uppermost necessaryational.

[***Sidenote: You know how when you can't think of how to properly use a word, you tend to use a different one? Not me. Nope. I just build on to the word until it sounds like it fits, regardless, of whether or not it actually makes any sense whatsoever. It's how I come up with words like pisstasticnatiousness which really only means, fantastically pissed off-like. Hmm...I read good. Thank you.***]

[***Another Sidenote: Maybe I have low expectations, but I get really proud when I hear black people use the term "regardless" correctly. It ain't "irregardless" but I swear you'd think that shit was in the Black National "I Speak So Well" Handbook or some shit. To all my black folks who can use "regardless" properly, I salute you.***]

So if cash is less necessary, then that means people have less change. Less change means less money to offer to beggars and panhandlers, who are really the same people, so I’m not sure why I made it seem like they were two different groups however because Puffy told us that it can’t stop and it won’t stop I figured that I’d just keep it moving and keep writing though it seems like I’ve completely lost my mind at this point well bitch its because I have. It’s no wonder that homeless people everywhere are beginning to look a little thinner. They have been receiving less nourishment because we aren’t giving them change anymore. I almost wonder if a study has ever been done to test this effect. It seems like a study worth undertaking.

Think about this even further. If I don’t have any money, and I’m homeless, and a beggar, and you don’t have any change which means I don’t have any change…eventually I’m going to jack your ass. Survival of the Fittest, at your service. At some point, I’m going to be required to supply myself with a means of eating. Hunger pangs are horrible…gettin’ stabbed by a homeless guy because you didn’t have a quarter?? Priceless.

Hmm…seeing many homeless people outside also makes me think that jail REALLY isn’t somewhere I’d want to go. Not that I’ve had romanticized thoughts about going to jail or anything, but think about this shit for a moment. If I was homeless, I’d think that I would just commit some kind of petty crime so I could get locked up. But nope…the folks outside who seem to be down on their luck are there everyday, crime-less. Or maybe that just says something about the intrinsic moral code we live by. Don’t jack anybody unless completely necessary. Could be…

Bottom line here is this: you arrogant bastards who use technological advancements to pay for your sandwiches from Quizno’s are making life difficult for homeless people everywhere.

This pointless and completely drivelfilled random post has been brought to you by the hungry ass Panama D. Jackson.

Ridiculously uncoordinated entries? Another side effect of hunger.

I’m getting a Snickers.