Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

First and foremost, I’d like to give a shoutout to everybody who sent me birthday wishes and greetings! I really appreciate that. It’s like we’re all one big happy family except I’m sexxier than everybody else.

[***Sidenote: To all those bastards who want to leave me comments and shit telling me to get over myself, call me a jerk, etc, in my muhfuckin' establishment, allow me to clear my throat for this...FUCK YOU! Why don't you just die?? Thanks for playing!***]

So you know I couldn’t just do a party any old regular style. That just wouldn’t be Panamanian. Or maybe I mean to say Panamaesque. Hell, who knows…that just wouldn’t be my style. And after the last DC Bloggers outing I had to redeem myself after the Rip Van Winkle impression I pulled.

Liquor is a helluva drug.

Anyway, so my big 2-6 found me in Boston, Massachusetts, a city that I’ve always felt was like the white version of Atlanta. You know, a city where white people run everything and it being the perfect spot to if you’re young and white. Well that perception hasn’t changed, but the city of Boston is actually pretty nice. There are definitely more black people there than I had given it credit for. In fact, I assumed there were like 4 black people there, which is a stretch but el Negroes are there in full effect.

[***Another Sidenote: I used to have this theory that the further up the East Coast you went, the more unattractive the women became. Face it, New York is home of the 6. (Feel free to dispute me on this, my lovey nubian sisters from NY...however, after extensive research and building a statistical model using STATA to test this theory...I'm right!) However, Boston has thrown off my theory in its entirety as I've seen some very attractive women there...not that the monsters don't exist, but Boston has some fine women. So...since folks from NY think life started and ended there, we'll just say that the East Coast ends in NY and my theory will remain in tact. NY is home of the 6! Thank you! All hate mail can be forward to my email.***]

Why did I chose Boston for the celebration?? Well, there are two main reasons: 1) my good homie Blackmartha, was graduating from Hell, and I wanted to be supportive; and 2) my lady friend lives in Boston. To me that kills two birds with one stone and me and my boy Francis MH are constantly taking trips. In fact, let’s do a quick rundown since last August: Atlanta, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Atlanta, Huntsville (AL), New York City, Huntsville, Atlanta, San Diego, Boston, Philadelphia, and back to Boston.

I get around.

Overall it was a great weekend but nobody cares about that. So we shall skip straight to the birthday celebration. Without further ado…

Panama Jackson Presents…Boston, Bitch! The Birthday Celebration Timeline At 26

I’m going to do this timeline style. Being as it was 5 days ago, I’m going to be making up some of these times. Shall we begin?? Yes, let’s!

June 3, 2005

Midnight: In the Shawmut Hotel chillin’wondering why we ain’t out at a bar or something.

1201am: Head out to find a bar with black patrons in Boston.

1205am: Lost cause.

1215am: My boy Francis MH gets hit on by a prostitute named Savannah who runs an escort service. Apparently her and 5 of her friends will do anything he wants for $100. Francis gives Savannah his phone number. Good times.

1am: First birthday phone call.

102am: Second birthday phone call. I’m still not asleep so I ain’t mad…yet.

2am-4am: Too many muhfuckas callin’ me for my birthday while I’m sleeping. Ass monkeys!

730am: Start to wake up to prepare to go to MIT’s graduation, mother calls.

735am: Father calls which is weird since THEY LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE AND NEITHER OF THEM HAD LEFT FOR WORK. My parents are weird.

745am: My sister calls from my parents house…I’m seriously wondering why they ain’ just coordinate this better.

915am: Me and Francis MH head to MIT for the graduation.

It must be said here that Blackmartha provided the absolute most detailed directions to any locale I’ve ever been given. Hell, she even mentioned an old white man sitting on a bench at 943am and wouldn’t you know, dude was there sitting there on the bench feeding squirrels, pigeons, and gila monsters.

1030am: Graduation starts and we’re sitting in some satellite location watching it on closed circuit TV. Hmm…some white people are taking pictures of the projection screen like they’re actually at the ceremony.

1032am: Sleeping.

11am: Still sleeping at the graduation.

12am: The damn graduation is still going on and somebody just got a BS in freakin’ WRITING!!! From MIT??? Da hell???

1230am: Blackmartha gets called. I wake Francis up we watch her walk across the stage. We walk the hell out. Obligation COMLETE.

This is getting boring, let’s skip to the fun part.

10pm: We get to the High Bar at 200 High Street. Talk about not being able to find a place. There were two people with us from Boston who had NO FUCKIN’ CLUE where the club was. Now the flyer advertised an open bar from 10-11pm. So yes were were one of like 10 losers there at 10pm. The bitch wasn’t even open. THEN they put a damn $25 price tag on the window so folks. So let me get this right?? You got an open bar from 10-11pm but you aint open at 10 AND you upped the price to $25?? I better have a good time…

1035pm: We get inside and head straight to the bar. Only Well drinks are free. WELL…we better get to drinkin’ fast before 11pm rolls around!!!

1037pm: Round One of the Tequila Monologues!!! Now, at the club is me, my lady friend (LF), Francis MH, LF’s Friend, and Blackmartha (BM). Now apparently, BM isn’t a drinker. The rest of us are. She doesn’t want to take shot. Peer pressure is a bitch!

1039pm: Round Two of the Tequila Monologues!!! Well apparently we created a drunk cuz now BM is ASKING FOR SHOTS!!

1043pm: Round One of Vodka and Cranberry Shots!!! Somebody (BM) is drunk already. How do I know this?? She pulled me to the side and said, “Panama, I’m drunk!”

1047pm: Round Two of Vodka and Cranberry Shots!!! I think we lost somebody here on taking shots, but I’m not sure. Francis heads to the dance floor to check out the women of Boston who were in full force.

Gets a tad blurry here, but more shots might have been consumed.

All in all we ordered at least 20-25 shots and spent 5 bucks apiece!! Good times.

11pm: Blurred dancing and sweating ensues. It’s hot as the fuck up in this club. I swear I saw Satan run out talking about y’all niggas are hot!!

1130pm: Oh shit is this the Whisper Song??? Hellz yeah…just wait til you see my OOOOOOOOOOH.

IN ALL ATTEMPTS TO REGAIN THE CROWN AS THE MUHFUCKIN’ KING AND REDEEM MY POOR DISPLAY OF DRUNKEN DEBAUCHERY AT THE DC BLOGGERS HAPPY HOUR…I LAID IT DOWN ON THE DANCE FLOOR AND DIDN’T FALL ASLEEP ONCE. THIS ALSO AFTER CONSUMING AN INCREDIBLE HULK, AND ONE MORE DRINK THAT I’M COMPLETELY OBLVIOUS AS TO WHAT IT WAS CALLED.

Midnight: It’s a whole lot of freaknasty dancin’ going on up in here!! I’m glad I’m apart of it. Francis MH is getting felt up by every woman in the place. I can’t take this nigga NOWHERE!! Who the hell is this with her hand on my ass??? Oh its LF…

1202am: Oh shit…I lost my bracelet. Still must lay it down on dancefloor.

1205am: Dudes in the bathroom talking about the Heat-Pistons series. With all the women in the club, these are clearly the lame dudes.

1210am: BM found my bracelet on a speaker. Folks in Boston are so nice. Return to laying it down on dancefloor. Must not let Usher down!

2am: Club shuts down. In all my sexxiness I’m still the flyest muhfucka in the place even sweated out. OH SHIT…that chick sweated out her perm…can you say RE-TOUCH!

202am: Where is BM?? Oh there she is…why she walkin’ like that?? LF looks like she’s straight, but damn, she’s wobbling a little too.

210am: BM is talking and giggling a lot. Yep, she’s drunk as fuck.

220am: We’re walking to I don’t know where…just walking. OH SHIT…BM just walked into a DAMN WALL!!!

221am: “BM, you really shouldn’t be hugging this wall like that…it doesn’t have arms to hug you back!”

225am: Francis MH and LF are talking and giggling. Did I just hear the word “monkey”???

230am: Francis MH is giving LF’s Friend a piggy back ride. Looks like they BOTH having fun with that shit. Hmmm…

245am: Back at LF’s place. Francis MH and BM go into Store 24. Apparently BM was hugging poles and got pissed that fake flowers were not emitting any form of aroma. Drunk nights rule!

3am: Everybody retires to the respective rooms and heads to sleep.

So that was pretty much my birthday night, give or take a few details that just don’t need to be shared with the general public. I’m telling you when I get down with the debauchery, I get DOWN with the debauchery. The rest of the Panama Jackson Appreciation Weekend was great being as I was with folks that I really wanted to be around.

There was a lot of drunk fun…A LOT of drunk fun and lots of undetailed information that must forever remain in the vaults (that seems to be a theme with events I’m apart of) but the big 2-6 celebration was great.

So for the record books in 2005…

…Boston, Bitch!

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