Conspiracy. (noun). An agreement to perform together an illegal, wrongful, or subversive act.
I think too much.
And as is such, I tend to come up with lots of random conspiracies and non-sense that at the time may seem to make sense. Though I’d like to point out that the Law of Averages says that somewhere along the way, at least on of my rants is going to be on the money. For instance, I’m still convinced that Starbucks is indeed “the man” that we speak about in our day to day activities. I’ve never been fully convinced that West Virginia actually exists as a state but is more or less a place that aliens and white people come from and use as training grounds in case black people get too “uppity” because most normal people have never been to West Virginia nor questioned its existence.
I’m also not sure if I believe in Hell as this place full of fire and brimstone. No, I think hell is the I-95 lockjamfullofcarsgoingnowheremakemewannakillsomebody traffic corridor between Washington, DC, and Richmond, VA, and Satan is really the asshole in the car with you on the trip who is either: sleeping, trying to tell you how to avoid the traffic, or messing with the radio controls when you just need some peace.
I really hate those bastards.
But there is real conspiracy out there that is threatening black existence in inner cities everywhere. It is the precursor to Starbucks. It is what makes it possible for the idea of Starbucks in the ghetto to exist. It is none other than…
…the white listserv.
Yes. You read that right.
What is the white listserv?? I feel a definition coming on.
White Listserv. (noun). formerly known as the white phone call, white fax, white morse code. Created in the 1960′s and evolving over time, this white listserv is the means of communicating to white peoples (primarly WASP’s) across the nation of the neighborhoods in particular cities that are scheduled to be relieved from Blacks and/or Latinos control and transformed into inner city urban enclaves of gentrification and just all around whiteness. Synonyms: Starbucks.
Let’s examine this shall we? Yes, let’s. In the beginning there were neighborhoods. Inner city neighborhoods. They consisted of mostly white people and black people were confined to the slums and ghettos of the city. One day, a lone black man, let’s call him, James, made some money and started the trend of other black folks making money and decided to move to where the white people were. They didn’t mind one black face and James seemed nice enough. His wife was high yaller and his kids could read. But more black folks made money and followed James. And it started happening throughout the country.
We reached the residential tipping point. So what did white people do? Created suburbs and got the hell out of dodge. So now the slums just moved to where ever James was because as is fact, when everybody finds paradise, it ceases to remain paradise.
Say it unison with me: Damn damn damn James.
This occurred for a good 30 years.
Well one day circa 1980, James’ old neighbor, let’s call her Jenny, decided that she wanted to move back in to the city. That’s where all the amenities and services were, as well as the parks, black men, and Icey’s. But Jenny wasn’t sure where to move because all of the neighborhoods were inhabited by les negroes. She asked a friend who asked a friend and that’s when it happened.
The first white phone call. The call intended to tell Jenny where a prime spot would be to move because they were taking it over. Who is they?? The white people. She was told the area, found a place and moved in and lo and behold, the neighborhood changed. This situation began to occur in major cities everywhere but more slowly and with more subtlety and to mostly fringe areas close enough to the suburbs but still in the city.
Now they’re everywhere. Now they’re in neighborhoods that only a few years ago white people wouldn’t dream of walking thru for fear of being robbed in their sleep. But lo and behold, there they are. Walking down Georgia Avenue in Washington, DC; or Atlantic Avenue or Fulton Street in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn; or down Lowery Blvd (though it will forever be Ashby Street in my heart) in Southwest Atlanta’s West End community. You know those places where seeing a white person initially made you do a complete double take; one that almost made you crash.
However, there they were walking their dogs or jogging as if they didn’t realize they were playing with their lives.
These are all people who today get “the e-mail.” Yes that one from the white listserv who told them that if they bought in now, they would see tremendous gains on their property value becasue the neighborhood was going to be flipped into an inner city enclave of diversity, though the goal would be 65 percent persuasion and 35 percent unpersuasion. If they could live with it for 2 years tops, their dreams of inner city living complete with all that the city has to offer would become a reality.
They took up the offer.
And it’s still going on across America right now. White e-mails are being sent out left and right. Neighborhoods that normally would be be black through and through are now becoming enclaves where white people feel safe because they got the email. It’s my thought that somehow when you’re born and receive a Social Security Number, that they tag you if you match the necessary criteria. They have some white indicator. This same white indicator pushes you to different white listservs if you marry a black person and have black children. You’re priority becomes different…however you’re still on the list and when you receive that first email, they make you pledge to never tell a person of color, unless your husband or wife is indeed, colored.
It’s out there, weaving its way through the world wide web as we speak. Some white person who wants to move into Washington, DC’s H Street Corridor, no excuse me, the up and coming H Street Corridor, will check his email today and be informed that now is the time to get in because soon, it will be THE spot for white people. He won’t be the only white person for more than a few weeks as the neighborhoods will change over night. The same thing is happening in inner city neighborhoods across America. Times they are a changin’.
All thanks to the white listserv…existing in a community near you.
(*Said to the tune of Ying Yang Twins club banger and new hotness, “Wait”)
Wait til they on your block
Wait til your prop taxes fly
Wait til they everywhere
They gonna turn yo’ neighborhood white…
Then they’ll be like BUY! BYE BUY! BYE BUY! BYE (repeat like 8 more times)
They gonna flip that neighborhood good!!
***THIS PSA AND CONSPIRACY THEORY HAS BEEN SPONSORED BY PANAMA JACKSON AND THE GOOD FOLKS AT JACKSON G. TICKLE ENTERPRISES, OWNER’S AND OPERATORS OF WE THE VOICES, WHICH HAS BEEN UPDATED FOR YOUR LITERARY DELIGHT.***
Yes!! For those who doubt, these list serves do exist. I’m gonna see if I can get my girl who can pass, but doesn’t, do get on one of them.
Also.
Did Ed show you the e-mail she got? I’m convinced they don’t actually realise she’s on it or they think she’s not Black.
It’s happening in Harlem as well Panama. The PC term is called gentrification.
Your aim might be a little off on this one. Not quite bullseye, but you’re headed in the right direction.
If real criminals did their jobs and robbed them “brave” white people like they’re supposed to, the white listserv would be rendered useless.
Black folks are too accomodating. When a white person moves into the neighborhood we don’t get scared, we wonder “what the hell are they doin’?” But what we don’t say is “aww shit, baby we gots to get the hell up outta here!” Nope. The second thought is usually “well, if they movin’ here our neighborhood must not be that bad.”
Its like black folks ain’t never seen the movie “Gremlins”. Yeah its cute and cuddlely at first, but fuck around and your whole ‘hood is flipped.
I urge you to encourage your neighborhood criminal to combat the influx of brave rabbits leaving the patch!
Nothing is wrong when white people move into the hood, hell just look at certain parts of Brooklyn or Harlem, they move in and all of a sudden you see more cops patroling the neighborhood.
The property value goes up and in some cases that can be a good thing for the people who have been there for some time. One of my neighbors just sold (to a nice bi-racial couple) her place for a little over 500K.
The only downside is that a lot of poor people end up getting displaced and having to move out. For people that own their own property it’s a good thing because all they have to do is wait for the perfect time to cash in and then take that money and move to another neighborhood (where white people are moving to) and start all over again.
Yeah I can see the white listserv thing, I just wish the black listserv emails wouldn’t end up in the spam folder all the time…
Poor people don’t get displaced, they don’t have a place to begin with! They don’t own shit!
Poor people are criminals. That’s why you should urge them to take back the ‘hood and rob the new gentrifying residents coming in! Its the only thing they know how to do.
White people moving into black neighborhoods makes shit too damn expensive. Ever try shopping in a white grocery store? I can’t just get Kool-Aid and sugar. Nope. Ain’t nuthin’ but fruit juices and sparkling ciders in 12 oz. bottles for $4 a pop.
You can get a full meal for $4 in the ‘hood! Never mind the health risks, but dammit you’d be full.
Its not just poor people, but businesses that support poor people are ousted when white people move to black neighborhoods.
Liquor stores? Inventory done changed from malt liquor to wine. Sales of lottery tickets become sporadic.
Barber shops? Gone. White people use scissors to cut their hair, not clippers – unless you’re a Marine.
Nail salons? Gone. Sung Yee and the crew can’t make a decent living just doin’ plain manicures. Without the extra income from acrylic nails and crazy ass designs business plummets.
The Store? different incarnations depending on where you live. But you can usually buy everthing in it. Food from the grill, diapers, blunts or any Little Debbie snack that your heart desires. Replaced by a fuckin’ coffee shop.
As you can see, white people movin’ to the ‘hood not only removes poor people…but businesses suffer and unemployment rises!
Now is that really a good thing?
At the risk of starting a debate up in my own comments (not that it would be the first time), but Dr. Strangejazz, doesn’t the fact that a lot of poor people get displaced bother you considering how all of these areas are usually filled with poor and minority people? I mean I understand the idea that we live in a capitalist society and all, but that just seems a little jacked up to say that the ONLY downside to gentrification, essentially, is poor people end up displaced. In fact, it doesn’t seem jacked up…that’s just cold.
And built from wax: I was thinking that same thing like how is that these folks DON’T GET ROBBED??? That was a classic comment, I’m now a fan.
Well to answer your question it is troubling that poor people get displaced. And I don’t think it’s right at all but it is what it is. The messed up part is that it happens very slowly. It’s not an overnight thing as some would think. For example in Harlem someone can buy a building and turn it into a co-op but give the people who already live there an option to buy into it, some can afford to and some can’t.
And to answer your question built from wax, white folks don’t get robbed cause when white folks move into the hood the neighborhood gets more police attention so now you get cops walking a beat instead of them just driving through like they used to.
I lived in the projects (ghetto) for over 20 years and personally I don’t want to go back. Yeah I know that’s cold blooded but it’s real.
I’m on soon to be fully gentrified neighborhood’s list serve and the topic of discussion today is the list of possible businesses applying for likka license on H st. As a homeowner near this new H st corridor I’m all for improvements and am excited about being able to hang out in my neighborhood. Now I haven’t met anyone on this list serve so they could very well think I’m white and that’s why my name wasn‚Äôt dropped from the list. lol! I should also note that I bought my place about 2 years ago and I was the last black person to move onto my block.
I don’t know who has a bigger police escort. New gentrifying white residents that move into the hood…or 50 Cent?
Another side effect of white people movin’ to the ‘hood, crime statistics go up because they actually get reported. That causes home, rental and auto insurance premiums to increase!
But who am I kidding, poor people don’t have insurance anyway. Why buy a policy when you have nuthin’ to protect?
But arrest rates, court dockets, inmate population also get increased numbers because Lizzy and Chad decided they wanna live a cozy, casual urban lifestyle.
I’m tellin’ you man, there needs to be a Dept. of Hoodland Security protectin’ the borders!
…it ain’t all good when white people move to the ‘hood. You’ve been lied to!
For those of you who belong to these listserv groups, upset the program a bit. Post an offer to initiate the garden club and become president. Its the best way to monitor just how much fertilizer is being used in the neighborhood.
Remember Tim McVeigh.
Or post an offer to start up a local NRA chapter, because knowing who has a gun and what kind is very important when a day at the office just doesn’t turn out right for Mr. Chad.
Or if all else fails, post a rumor that Chad’s wife Lizzy is a very accomodating member of the welcoming committee!
built from wax, you are one funny muthaf*cka.
“I’m tellin’ you man, there needs to be a Dept. of Hoodland Security protectin’ the borders!
…it ain’t all good when white people move to the ‘hood. You’ve been lied to!”
GOL. Really? Tell that to my downstairs neighbor who just closed on the sale of her apartment for over 500K. That’s half a million dollars built. Imagine what those apartments will go for in 4 years? And that ain’t good?
Hmmm…. lemme lighten this up just a tad bit.
P, I think Wyoming is the state that doesn’t really exist and they are secretly counting cattle as their population to throw the rest of the country off! …………Hell is most likely 95 only I think the devil takes certain forms to mess with you. Like the little old lady driving 1 mile an hour in front of you? That’s Satan. ……..or the mini van full of kids? Satan and his side kicks! …… The two trucks that block you in so that you can‚Äôt move left or right to pass them? Satan and Son‚Äôs Trucking! …………That squirrel or rabbit that hopped it’s happy ass in the middle of the street for no apparent reason? Satan. Or Panama driving it to suicide……so as you can probably guess, I’m with you on the whitelist. I know exactly who we need to use as a plant to find out for sure! I gotta ask her tho’ but stay tuned!!!!~ Ms. Blaize
LMAO nice post man especially that white infiltration(whisper song)
“I think too much”
We just didn’t learn this sh!t yesterday…We’ve been know this for a while…And you are pretty much right about urbanization…Its everywhere…They gonna end up moving all of us to Jacksonville, FL…Conspiracy…I’ll keep you posted
Well… I’ve read this too late to add anything witty or substantial – that’s clearly been covered by Builtfromwax and Dr. Strangejazz, but is gentrification SERIOUSLY happening in the West END here in the ATL?? WOW!!!
It’s been happening in Harlem over the last gabillion years, they’ve been moving further and further uptown every time you turn around and the “Upper West/East Side” has expanded tremendously. Soon there will be no Harlem. *shakig head* It’s happening in the Bronx too… *deep sigh* it’s just a nightmare. I remember when I would walk through Harlem and occasionally see a few backpacked Columbia students. They’d throw you off for a second, then you realized that Columbia’s campus was up the street and you’d feel better…*sigh of relief* NOW!!! OMG THEY’RE RUNNING RAMPANT!!! EVERYWHERE!!! Just walking down Lenox Avenue like it’s okay. *shaking head in despair* It really makes me sad. Harlem is going to be a distant memory… soon it’s turning into Yuppyville as we speak. *lone tear falling down cheek*
There’s always going to be a Harlem and the boarders of it vary from person to person. But Harlem is far from becoming Yuppyville.
There’s got to be a better way to make the hood better. Outside of having white people come in to raise property values.
I absolutely love your mind! Wow. I am so glad I got a chance to read today. You should be a teacher.
On the real, consider it.
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