Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

You know sometimes, I just don’t get artists, more specifically R&B artists. They spend so much time creating their songs and they ultimately end up with shit. Like not even almost shit…its pure unadulterated shit. I used to think that it was difficult to make a bad R&B song because for some reason I believed that it was all based on understanding what sounded good. I figured that was one area where rap and R&B differed. Rappers just pick shitty beats because they don’t know better but I figured R&B artists were more musically inclined and were intent on making good music.

Boy was I wrong.

Now you might be asking yourself where I’m going with this. Well nowhere, because what is really killing me right now is that America’s favorite pervert and potential child rapist is at it again.

No, not Michael Jackson…the other one. None other than, yep, you guessed it:

R. Kelly.

See, though I think he’s one the most ignant bastards on the planet, I still recognize that musically he’s a genius. Fact remains, the reason people keep supporting him despite himself is that he makes good music. But now he’s taking us for granted…and frankly, I’m pissed.

You see, I let “Sex In The Kitchen” slide. I thought it was a joke song when I first heard it but over time (more like after I heard it all the way through) I loved it. Is it stupid as shit?? Well, yes…it is. However you have to admit you really do want to see that video. I know I do. Mostly because I want to see if the part where he says “Girl I just want to toss your salad” will consist of R and his lady of the moment out of view of the camera but you see salad all of a sudden being thrown across the kitchen along with some buttered rolls. In fact, I wonder if the video would be set in some random ass kitchen with fruits, vegetables, and potatoes, being thrown all over the place while R and his lady get their grizzly on.

That would make for great cinema. And really, its kind of ingenious…right?? I mean people DO procreate in the kitchen and nobody has really touched on that…right??? So it ain’t SUCH a bad idea…right???

Who am I kidding? It’s a horrible song that has become a guilty pleasure but mostly because R. Kelly just seems like a dirty man nowadays. I wouldn’t trust him around my dog let alone my daughter. The way he looks into the camera makes me uneasy. It’s like he’s silently saying, your daughters aren’t safe. Soon as she’s 3…SHE’S MINE! Nasty bastard…and I think he means it too. That’s why he wears that damn mask, or wore it anyway. And since I have time…why didn’t his publicist pull him to the side and say, “R…really duke, that’s not a good look right now, ya know with the whole…CHILD PORNOGRAPHY AND RAPE THING YOU GOT GOING.” Shit, is he or she part of a Union and can’t get fired or something?? There really needs to be some kind of quality control procedure for this. There is no reason for R. Kelly to be able to walk out of the house with a mask on and then call himself the Pied Piper and then for ANYBODY on his staff to remain employed. Would you keep your people on board if you just got busted for a DUI and then were approached by BudLight to do a commercial and everybody said…yeah man…do it. Oooooooooooooooooh that’s a good look baby!!! I’d pull the feeding tube on them bitches…

But I digress.

Back to the point because see now, I think R. Kelly is just mocking and laughing at us. See, NOW the fucker has made the song “Trapped in the Closet.” Actually it’s a 5 part song. And if you guessed the song is about R. Kelly being trapped in a closet then pat yourself on the back and have a drink on yourself later on tonight. This song is about R. Kelly doing what he does best, sleeping with somebody he’s not supposed to be sleeping with (married women, children, etc.) and having to hide in the closet when the chick’s husband shows up. No word if any “golden showers” occur or not…but maybe that’s in another chapter. I’m not sure. Well he gets found in the closet in this song because his cell phone rings. Now this makes me wonder…if he gets caught in this song, but it’s a 5 part song, are the rest about different closets he’s been trapped in?? If so, can we get some more descriptions of the houses, R?? I mean give me something different to work with ya know.

Now see, this is where I’m starting to get a tad annoyed. To me, all of these songs sound like spoof songs. Admit it, when you first heard “Sex In The Kitchen” you didn’t think it was a real song. I thought the radio station was making fun of him. Then we get “Trapped In the Closet,” another song that clearly sounds like a spoof song. These songs could be Chappelle’s show skits as they are. It’s like he’s trying to beat the comedians to the punch.

“They are going to make fun of me anyway, so I‚Äôll make an album full of material for them, that way they aren‚Äôt laughing at me, they‚Äôre laughing with me.” -The R

If this was ANYBODY else, I’d think this was a tad genius. But it’s R. Kelly. Which to me means he thinks these joints are a good idea. Which means the perv has become a fuckin’ nutcase.

And think about this shit‚Ķthe first two songs we have are ‚ÄúSex‚ĶIn the Kitchen‚Äù and ‚ÄúTrapped‚Ķin the Closet.‚Äù Is he preparing an album called House of R or some shit?? Ponder this as well‚Ķthat fuckin‚Äô closet song is a 5 parter. The first part is 3 minutes and 30 seconds‚Ķwhich means he‚Äôs making full length songs of this. What does this mean in the grand scheme of things?? It means that we‚Äôre (yes I‚Äôm going to buy it‚Ķgo fuck yourself) going to get an album full of parody-ish ass songs courtesy of the R that make me wonder if he‚Äôs really just laughing at us consumers and saying to himself, “these fuckers will buy anything that I put out‚Ķthey love me.”

Hmm…maybe that’s why he’s doing this. Maybe he wants to feel loved and is putting out stupid music to see if folks will still support him, which in his mind means we still accept him. Could be…though I’d actually prefer to just slap the shit out of him and then shake him say, bitch get your mind right.

CUZ I’M A SOLDIER!!!

*yes I know that was ill placed…kiss my ass*

Either way, I’m really starting to get pissed, no pun intended. First he comes out with that bullshit ass joke of a song, “Heaven I Need a Hug” AFTER HE GETS BUSTED, then he creates a gospel album of sorts…BUT NOW…THIS SHIT. He’s really toying with us. He’s taken our non-interest in whether or not he’s a rapist for granted.

[***Sidenote: If you got busted for, let’s say, hypothetically speaking, rape and pornography, would you keep making songs that make you sound like a sex crazed maniac?? I wouldn’t…but maybe that’s just me. Call me crazy, but I think that the smart thing to do would be to, say I don’t know…distance yourself from oversexed ass music. Just a thought. I might be taking a shot in the dark with that one…but hey, after I got busted for kicking the shit out of that squirrel into traffic so he could get hit by an 18-wheeler, you didn’t see me writing about kicking squirrels did you?? I wrote about ARGUING with squirrels. MUCH better!! I know I know…I’m a radical.***]

R. Kelly, I hate you, but now I really detest you. It’s one thing to make stupid ass songs like “She Reminds Me” and say “can I get a beep-beep” in songs…but now you are mocking my one true love…

…mah music!!

And for that I hope you get stabbed by a CutCo knife in the ass when you attempt to have sex in the kitchen.

Bastard.

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