Final Episode: The Surreal Life-Blogger’s Edition
ATTENTION: ANNOUNCING THE BEGINNING OF THE END…
WE THE VOICES has officially launched. Come check out the newest hot shit!!!
We don’t do big…we do history!!!!!
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Also, go check out the newest issue of The Flow Magazine, which has come back onto the scene. Shoutouts to Tionne and Lisa for their work on that project and the SERIOUS site design.
It’s hot to death…
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***Public Service Announcement: Today, I’d like to say that being secure in one’s own manhood is an important part of growing up. I am secure. However, if due to the content of this final edition of Season 1 (soon to be released on DVD, or hell probably before Martin anyway), if anybody dares question my manhood, I’ll kick you in the shin with a pink button up shirt on after watching The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. Thank you.***
The More You Know.
*ding*
[For reference, go back and re-read episodes 1-6, in respective order: Edwige, Brown Shuga, Brutha Code, Kajuana, Will, and Christen.]
Shameless Advertising: This season of the The Surreal Life: Blogger’s Edition, has been brought to you by all things Skeet-tastic. Skeetguard, Aww Skeet Skeet Skeetagra, and Skeeteraid. (Promo spots upcoming.)
Where the story left off: After a night of fun and debauchery; I’m talking nudity, Playboy style photos as mementos of the times that were shared, some Tequila shots, a little bit of country, and a little bit of rock and roll (to drown out the sorrow of Brutha Code having to wheel himself around for the rest of his life), the Surreal Lifer’s gathered their wits about themselves in sheer determination to find out who in fact shot…J.R.!!!!!!!!
I mean Brutha Code.
The truth of the matter was…it was…(and it pains me to say this…but I’m a man!!!)———Thick Dizzle!!!
*dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn*
We now take you to part 7, the final episode of The Surreal Life-Blogger’s Edition…coming at you live and direct from these e-streets!
*collective gasp overcomes the Surreal Lifers*
Christen: Thick Dizzle (TD) it was YOU!!!! How could you do this????
TD: Fuck you.
Well, Christen not being one to back down from a good fight, especially from a Que, or his ilk, expeditiously beat the shit out of TD.
Christen: Now don’t you ever TALK back or jump bad at me again!!!
A dejected and rather downtrodden TD limped to a seat outside and began to tell his side of the story.
TD: Y’all don’t understand. This fucker sued me. ME!!!! His own flesh and blood. So what I won the gotdamn case. Court costs and lawyer fees drained me of all of my resources. I couldn’t even afford to get good hats anymore. Do you know I was stuck with LIFESTYLES????? LIFESTYLES!!!!!! So I had to do it. I had to pay his ass back. I won the case, but I lost my will to live.
And with that, TD pulled out a chrome-plated .45 and blasted himself in the head.
(Okay really, these “meat” puns are killing me…)
TD was no more. And with Brutha Code somewhere out in the streets in a wheel chair, the crew did the only thing they felt was right. They had a memorial service where Tupac’s “Picture Me Rollin’” was played on repeat for something like 2 hours. But all was not well in the Surreal Life household. Stay tuned for more The Surreal Life-Blogger’s Edition, after this commercial break.
*Commercial Break*
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Back to Episode 7: We find the crew in the house packing up and getting ready to leave the Surreal Life house, but all is not well, for the entire crew is in the middle of a heated argument! Take a gander:
Panama: Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you…ESPECIALLY fuck you, and last but not least, FUCK YOU. All y’all can die for all I care. Westside beeyotch!!!
Kajuana: Oh no he didn’t!!!! Indeed, I’ll have to whip his ass. I’ve been carried out of a club before, but they can’t stop me in my house. Somebody hold my tiara!!! Indeed!!!!!!!!!!
Edwige: Has anybody seen my nude photos??? I can’t leave the house without my nude photos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently in the interim, Panama got into a heated debate with the other members of the cast about…OMARION. The cast members refused to accept Panama’s remark that it was good music.
Brown Shuga AKA Big Shug AKA Shuga Shuga: Oh Panama, that ain’t good music…now this here Troop!!! That’s good music. Sit down and calm down youngsta!!! These little boys ain’t good for nothing but their good backs…I swear.
Will: Now if you were talking some of that Jill Scott, I might hear you. But Omarion, please.
Edwige: No really, those nude pictures, guys. I really do want them back!!! And for that matter…
Christen: Somebody find that girl her damn pictures before I have to choke slam her.
Panama: See, this is why we can’t get nowhere as a people. I’m trying to enlighten the masses and folks are worried about nude pictures. Where’s the justice officers!! Where’s the fuckin’ Justice!!!!
Panama, being completely heated, stormed outside to drink some Kool-Aid and throw rocks at squirrels. Edwige, his loving fiancee (still sans her nude pictures) came outside to console him. She decided that the best way to make him feel better was to give him a lap dance. However the only music they had in the house was Oleta Adams. Panama didn’t mind though…he was smiling all the live long day.
Inside however, Kajuana was still fuming. Will did his best to calm her down but it was no use.
Kajuana: I give him some of my best ideas. I inspire him in anyway I can…and this is how I get repaid???? I taught him how to enunciate!!!
Christen: You can’t save them all, jackslap his ass. He’ll come around.
Will: Don’t you all know that you can’t live like this. The Urban League teaches us that we must work together as a people. We must live strong!!!
Panama (peeking head inside door): I heard that. I don’t have to live strong…my pimp-hand is way strong!!!! Ooooooooooooooooooooooo….
They all decided that arguing wasn’t worth it and decided to get over their differences with a few gimlets. Edwige is such a fan she figured it would take the edge off…and boy was she right. The debauchery that occurred that evening was unprecedented. With Brown Shuga directing everybody, the crew ended up feeling lovely and all the hard feelings and accusatory guilt of who shot Brutha Code was left to the wayside as they prepared to leave the following morning. Stay tuned after this commercial break for the conclusion of The Surreal Life-Blogger’s Edition.
*Commerical Break*
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We now return to the final scenes of the The Surreal Life-Blogger’s Edition.
The next morning, all the housemates woke up to a sort of sad but happy feeling. Sad that they were leaving but happy to get away from eachother. Seven weeks can be a long time…especially in the blog world. As they all hugged and stood there, telling eachother how much they’d miss one another and how much they hoped to see one another again…
…Brutha Code rolled up on them with an Uzi and murdered everybody.
The end.
Good site, good blog, thank