My Melody: Things That Make You Go Hmmm…
Everybody has skeletons in the closet.
Hmm, that isn’t descriptive enough. Some of us have mouse skeletons in our closet, and others of us have Tyrannasaurus Rex families in their closets. Like third, fourth, and fifth cousins, of T. Rex families in their closet.
Come to think of it, I wonder if dinosaurs practiced family like we do. Like did they claim third cousins?? I know in my family you can’t date anybody who can even claim to be a cousin, but how did dinosaurs function?
Okay, the fact that that last line of thought was potentially the stupidest shit you’ve ever heard is evident, however, it has nothing to do with this post…so let’s just move on, mmkay?
Back to the skeletons in the closet. Well you see I have a lot of CDs. I’m in the neighborhood of 700, which was as of the last time I took an active role in counting. And as much as I love my taste in music, I have some seriously questionable purchases in my collection. When the collection is being perused, I always hear somebody go, “What the…?” Well, I’ve decided to divulge my skeletons AKA questionable purchases (which to me made perfect sense at the time, well not all of them…but about 30% of them).
Panama Jackson Presents Credibility Crushers: Music That Makes You Go Hmmmm
1) Domino-Domino
The Ghetto Jam. Man this song was on everybody’s radio station hard…in 1994. You know honestly, this purchase wouldn’t even so bad if I didn’t buy it like 2 months ago. See that’s the problem with my bad purchases…it isn’t like I bought them when they first dropped, I made this bad ass purchase…recently. God is not happy with me.
2) Tatyana Ali-Kiss The Sky
She can kiss my ass for making such a bad album. However, she was so cute on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And she sampled all the songs you couldn’t go wrong with for singles. Hell, Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz had just made “Deja Vu (Uptown Baby)” and it was a hit, so she made “Daydreamin’”, then came with “Boy You Knock Me Out.” So you’re saying neither of these was a good enough reason to purchase this album?? Wait, you’re saying you haven’t even HEARD these songs??
Dude, she had Will Smith backing her up!!
*re-reading last sentence*
Fuck you, she’s pretty.
3) The Darkness-Permission to Land
Wow…this one was just bad. Like honestly, you’ve probably never heard of this group, but I’m sure you’ve heard the song, “I Believe In A Thing Called Love.” It’s the one where the throw back to the 70′s rock band/group (would they get offended if I called them a group?) sings in really high tones about the “thing called love.” It’s kind of catchy and kiddy. Well, dammit, I bought the whole CD, and I’ve been mad at myself the whole time for having the audacity to purchase this CD, and have yet to actually own a copy of Thriller…in CD form.
My mother would disown me if she knew this.
*not a happy camper right now…at all*
4) Queen Pen-My Melody
Egads. Yes me and her mother, and lesbian lover at the time, are the only people to actually own this CD. What’s funny is, it seems that people didn’t even know she had an album come out. This album got SO little burn, I’m having to look at Amazon RIGHT NOW to figure out why I bought this. Apparently this CD was purchased for the song “A Party Ain’t A Party”. For shame…ladies and gentlemen…
I bought Queen Pen. With my own money.
5) Will Smith-Willenium
Now I know some people might want to laugh. But you all know damn well you were feeling “Just Cruisin’” or “Miami” or “Gettin’ Jiggy With It”. Just the other day I saw a gangster crip-walking to “Gettin’ Jiggy”. For all those assholes who have looked in my collection and were flabbergasted…fuck you, this album was a classic!!!!
Okay, not classic but better than shit!
I really like the song “The Rain” too.
Hmm…after checking with Amazon, it seems none of the songs I mentioned, save “The Rain” are on this album. What IS on this album? “So Fresh” (da hell??), “Will2K”, (I’m really feeling sick right now), and everybody’s favorite…”Wild Wild West.”
I deserve no mercy and shall now kick rocks barefoot after a pedicure.
6) Crazy Town-Gift of Game
Honestly, they had that one Top 40 hit, “Butterfly”. You know, “come my lady/come come my lady/you’re my butterfly/sugar baby”.
No??
Trust me, I’m in complete agreement with you on this one. Some things should never be purchased. Sex, love, and this CD are prime examples.
To be serious here for a moment, there really is no good reason to ever even think about purchasing this CD. Not that you did, but the lead single got me. I pray, for the love of humanity, and your unborn children, never purchase shit from Crazy Town (where the hell is this place anyway?). I’ve hated myself for years because of this.
7) Profyle-Nothing But Drama
You know, I actually really like this CD. Nobody ELSE believes that its a good CD, and is always like, you actually BOUGHT THIS SHIT??? And to them I say…of course. They gave us “Liar” and we all know that was a hot song…then came the best song of whatever year this dropped, “Damn.” I’m telling you, this is actually a good CD. It’s like B2K Grown Up.
Perhaps I’ve said too much.
Color Me Badd-C.M.B.
Music’s answer to affirmative action. You just had to love these guys didn’t you. No?? Yeah, I own their first CD, and though I can’t name anymore than three songs on it (“I Wanna Sex U Up”, “I Adore”, and “All For Love”), I still am better today for being willing to support Operation PUSH and the Rainbow Coalition in their attempts to bring about a group of non-talented multi-racial singers together to record a few albums for the cause of creating the “melting pot.”
Just to bad they weren’t smoking pot; the shit might have been better.
9) BBD-Hootie Mack
You remember the Fresh Prince episode where Carlton rents out the house for a video shoot?? And BBD shows up singing a song you hadn’t heard?? Well, that is why I bought this album. Aside from being a fan, I thought that song was tight. Man, television not only adds 10 pounds, but it lies too. That song sucked. In fact this album wasn’t any bood, except for the songs “Above The Rim” and “Something In Your Eyes.” Luckily I only paid 5 bucks for it…in 2004.
Original Release Date: June 1993
And what in the shit is a “hootie mack?” Do they even know??
And the coup de grace…
10) Hillary Duff-Metamorphosis
Aside from the fact that she probably can’t even spell “metamorphosis”, this album is just downright horrible. And yet, with my own money, I intentionally purchased this album for the song, “Come Clean.” And do you know it WASN’T the Hillary Duff remix of Jeru tha Damaja’s song??? When people question this purchase I can’t do anything but say, you’re right…I’m wrong. This joint is just horrendous…in fact, that doesn’t even describe how bad this is…
*looking up new word for bad*
…its downright UNGODLY. Actually I like the term “grisly” more, but God can’t be happy with this CD.
There you have it…10 albums that make you go hmm. I’m not ashamed anymore…the truth has set me free!!!!
Besides, at least I didn’t get anything like Kris Kross last CD.
Waitaminute…
…dammit.
Never mind.
What? No Brotherhood Creed? No Y?NVee? You can borrow my Dion Sanders Album.
The BBD entry had me rollin’. I remember me and my friend watching that Fresh Prince episode and talking about how fresh that song was. My man Devoe was settin’ shit off but Will and Carlton kept tryin’ to get up in the shot. Damn that Hootie Mack record was fuckin’ wack. Did anyone else find it ironic that Biv and Bell are both like 5-4 and are singing a song called “Above The Rim”? Those cats couldn’t play above the rim of those old Nerf Hoops you used to slide on your bedroom door. Biv was the Sam Cassel of New jack swing. Not a good looking guy.