Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

I’ve decided to just make this music week around the offices at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises. But before I get into that…

…check out We The Voices, updated with new content including an analysis of which show was better: The Jeffersons or Good Times; and also an analysis of which HBO show is better, The Wire or The Sopranos. Those articles amongst the other articles about life, music, and a discussion about Fantasia’s “Baby Mama” song. Come thru today!!!

Back to the music week at JGT. I spend a lot of time listening to music. Though this isn’t really news to anybody, I also put together compilation CD’s left and right, like Slow Jams Deluxe: 16 Tracks For Dat Azz or my own Down South Crunk Mixx, guaranteed to get you grizzly (and no, I have no idea what that means). Not for sale, I mean I don’t have the copyrights on any of the songs so if I sold them I’d technically be committing some type of federal offense. Not saying I haven’t taken donations or anything for the time spent creating the compilation. I’m just saying…I ain’t getting paid for the songs.

*looking around for guys in black suits and cheap sunglasses to bust through the door…wait, I work with those guys…never mind*

Either way, one of these compilations I created is entitled, Music To Move You. Actually, becuase I’m a tad (I’ve noticed that I keep using the word tad lately…not sure what this means, but its bothering me, yet I can’t delete it…help. me.)self-aggrandizing the full title is:

Panama Jackson Presents…my mama’s music, volume 1: Music To Move You

[***SIDENOTE: Quick story behind the title, my mama's music. That was the working title of the album I was planning on putting together. Yes, Panama singing, rapping, and doing Panama things. The purpose was to make an album my mama could listen to as opposed to most of the albums I own nowadays. Okay that wasn't much of a story...but the album is back on. Yes, PDJakes is putting together an album. Yes bitches, Panama is about to change the game. EARLY!!!***]

Being as the title is Music To Move You, it’s filled with, you guessed it, songs intended to move and inspire emotion of some sort. They also happen to be some of my favorite songs. Well, today, I’m going to share with you the tracks and tell you why these songs are songs that you need to know. In fact, if you put this compilation together (or email me so I can send it to you), you will be happy in life, not to say that you aren’t already happy because I don’t really know you so how could I say you aren’t happy because that would imply that I know more than I do when in fact I really don’t which is why I’m saying that you’ll be happier after its all said and done because its true.

*ahem*

Without further ado…

Panama Jackson Presents…my mama’s music, Volume 1: Music To Move You

1. Barry White-I’ve Got So Much To Give

You know, people don’t bring up Barry White enough. This man singlehandedly made love music. I mean that REAL love music. That babymakin’ music that has stood the test of time, and this song is proof of that. Fellas, play this song for your ladies and sing the words like you mean them…she ain’t going NOWHERE. Make sure to emphasize this part:

“I’ve got so much to give, to you my dear…it’s gonna take a lifetime, gonna take years…”

Good. As. Got.

2. Marvin Gaye and Diana Ross-Stop, Look, Listen (To Your Heart)

Now you might recognize this song from the sample used in Smilez and Southstar’s single…umm…dammit…well I can’t remember the name of it. But this song right here is that truth. Marvin and Diana just letting you know that the heart will tell you the truth.

Unless your significant other is an ass in which case, fuck him/her. Cuz you’re heart is a LIAR!!! It’s a LIAR YOU HEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!!

*looking at scared faces of 6-year old R. Kelly fans*

It’s a good song.

3. ConFunkShun-Straight From The Heart

My goodness. This is one of my favorite songs EVER. In fact, this might have to be my wedding song. And I want to sing it. In fact, I’m unable to listen to this song without singing along because I feel it so much. Hell, I’m singing it right now in my office. This is from that era when love songs were just that…love songs.

“It must be love, for there’s nothing that I won’t do, for the love of you…this is straight from the heart no one, could ever doubt, my love will last til the end of time…”

I mean for God’s sake…he says, “I’m gonna love til a day past forever!!!!!!”

You know what?? This is a deal breaker. Any woman who doesn’t like this song cannot be a woman of any significance in my life.

It was written.

4. Creative Source-I’d Find You Anywhere

You know how when you really love somebody, you remember everything and you are just in utter bliss?? If so, well this is that song for you. Of course, it could also be a theme song for stalkers…but that’s neither here nor there. It’s just about always being there no matter what…if you need me, I’ll find my way to you, no matter where you are.

Of course lyrics like, “I’d track you down, like a bloodhound” do seem a tad (see again with the tad!) crazy…but hey, love makes you do crazy things!!

5. Marvin Gaye and Diana Ross-Just Say, Just Say

The music on this song is schizophrenic like love. It sounds both tortured and happy at the exact same time. Trust me, this song manages to gather both the love and pain of love all at the same time…and with Marvin’s life and Diana’s hair, they know torture well.

6. Bobby Womack-Woman’s Gotta Have It

I’ve never met a woman who didn’t love this song. This is a guide for men to do for their woman and realize that just because you think you’re making your woman happy, doesn’t mean she really is happy. It’s saying to pay attention and find out how to make your woman happy because she might be dying on the inside. Give her love…cuz today, she just might kill you or pull your feeding tube early. (OUCH..LOOOOOOOOOOOW BLOW!)

“Do the things that keep a smile on her face
Say the things that make her feel better every day
Man you gotta stay on your p’s & q’s
If you don’t the woman you could easily lose”

“Don’t take for granted the smile on her face
Check a little bit closer you might find a tear trace
Maybe the girl might never say a mumblin’ word
But you’ve got to make sure that her voice is heard”

The man speaks knowledge.

7. Debra Laws-Very Special

This song doesn’t even need a discussion. If you’ve heard it, you love it. If you haven’t, you need this song in your life.

8. Patrice Rushen-When I Found You

How many people, by a show of hands, have said this at one point in their lives?

Baby, I found love when I found you???

*looking at all the raised hands*

That’s what this song is all about…it says exactly what you’re thinking. In essence, it’s just perfect.

Quick Break In The Program: Two things, the things that make these songs so great is not only the words, but the music matches the moods and sentiments of these songs perfectly. There isn’t one questionablye note on any of these songs. Music is life. Secondly, a lot of these songs have been sampled in today’s hiphop or covered by R&B artists. If they sound familiar…it’s because they ARE familiar.

9. The Flamingos-I Only Have Eyes For You

“the moon may be out tonight, it doesnt matter if its sunny or bright…cuz I only have eyes for you”

Nothing can get in the way of his view of this woman!

My boy Johnny Kwest made a list of the 10 Greatest Love Songs of all time. Well I might need to make my own list, because this song to me is the Best Love Song EVER. It’s simple doo-wop but man oh man, there is no other song that conveys love like this. It just makes me want to go find some random chick on the street and fall in love with JUST so I can sing this to her…

…then dump her.

10. Love Unlimited Orchestra-Walking In The Rain (With The One I Love)

The first time I heard this song was in November 2001 on the way to New Orleans for the Bayou Classic while sitting in a rented Oldsmobile driving behind a rented maroon Ford Excusion between Atlanta and LaGrange, GA. That’s how much my life changed that day. Something about this song is so right I can’t even describe it. In fact, the best part of the song to me is the end, where the music is just playing for about a minute. The piano, violins, and bass guitar just takes you…there.

It’s just about thinking about the one you love while you’re walking in the rain. But it ain’t just subtle thoughts. Nope.

It’s…love. Set to music. Barry White was a genius.

11. Force MD’s-Tender Love

With one of the most memorable piano sections in a love song ever, this is just THAT song. Who doesn’t love this?? Really?? If you don’t. Go die.

12. Jermaine Jackson-Castles of Sand

I know right?? Who knew Jermaine could make music that actually touched anybody. And I don’t mean that in the Michael Jackson touches kids way either. This song speaks truth though…why do we keep building castles of sand?? The water will just wash them away. This is a song that everybody can relate too…staying around too long, trying to look at one good time over the 1,000 bad times, etc.

Too bad his other music sucked ass.

13. Earth, Wind, and Fire-Reasons

Possibly one of the most famous songs ever. There isn’t a single person who doesn’t like this song. Hell, T-Mobile even made it a ringtone. It’s that huge for a reason. If you don’t know this song, never speak to me about music…ever. In fact, I’m going to pretend you don’t even exist.

14. The Gap Band-Yearning For Your Love

“my heart is yearning for your love won’t you let me inside your love…”

The words “you can’t keep running in and out of my life…” are some of the truest words every spoken. Why?? Because the shit hurts…a lot. I just feeeeel this song because its so REAL. Damn you women who keep on running in and out of my life!!!!!

Quit breaaaaaaaaaaaaking my heart!!!!

15. Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway-Be Real Black For Me

You know, to this day, the words aren’t what stands out to me. It’s the blend of their voices. I’ve never heard something so perfect in my life. Damn you Donny for trying to fly…without wings…or a plane!! Their voices just inspire that feeling deep in your souls…that feeling of hope and belief in somebody. Belief that there is somebody out there that you won’t have to kill for cheating on you. Somebody that will look you square in the eye and say…I need you and mean it.

Not…I need you to give me more time, space, money, etc. Basically…this song is about that real…and mean they don’t give a shit about you.

Man…its great.

16. Chaka Khan-Love Me Still

I just love this song. I can’t say anything more about it than that. Well, except that I’m a sucker for pianos. If my woman plays the piano (assuming everything else is in tact) I’m a goner. The piano in this song gets me everytime.

And finally…the song that puts it all on the line in its rawest form…for 7 minutes…

17. Lenny Williams-Because I Love You

This song is seven minutes of pleading for his woman to understand that he loves her. I’ve never heard a man beg a woman like this…just to understand. It’s that amazing. He ain’t begging for her love…he’s begging for her understanding of his love. No comparing love to water or trees. Just straight up how he feels. That is what loves all about.

You know you’re in love when you try to capture it in words and can’t. And the only thing that comes out is…girl, I just love you, you HAVE to understand THIS!!!

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There you have it, the first volume in an ever growing volume of CD compilations. These are songs you NEED in your life.

Trust me on this one…

[***This post references an editorial in the Baltimore Sun entitled, "How Hip Hop Brings Down Black Culture" from March 23, 2005. If you can't direct link to it, go to www.baltimoresun.com, then to the Op/Ed section and the article is available if you scroll. Registration is not needed.***]

There are many things that bother me in life.

The programming on BET is one thing, because there really is no excuse for an entire networks programming to be THAT bad. Another thing that bothers me is white people trying to act “black” (and you know exactly what I mean, so I don’t want to hear that ‘what is acting black’? shit) and doing a horrible job at it, making me feel more like I’m being mocked than emulated.

But what really bothers me is black people who claim hip-hop is the root of problems in the black community, yet use claims that clearly indicate that they don’t know jack shit about what hip-hop really is. The same bastards who watch CNN and see a name like 50 Cent or Snoop and see that they were found with an ounce of weed, and assume that all rappers are drug-dealing criminals with nothing to offer society and are at best, bringing down black culture.

And with that, I’d like to send an extra special fuck you out to one Wendell Talley who submitted an editorial to the Baltimore Sun entitled, “How Hip-Hop Drags Down Black Culture.” Wendell, Mr. Talley, my mellow my man, hip-hop isn’t what’s dragging down black culture…

…you are.

Yes you and your followers. The black people who act as if they don’t understand social rebellion. Hell, the same bastards who assume that all rap IS social rebellion and clearly haven’t been listening to the complaints of the hip-hop generation that none of the music even REPRESENTS social rebellion anymore and is too swept up in creating false images of money, misogyny, and prosperity.

Yes you, the same fucker who in his article claims that after the Civil Rights movement, blacks who felt hatred towards anything white, left behind values such as: morality, scholarship, entreprenuership, and personal accountability, yet FAIL to even understand that many rappers not only rap but own businesses, have foundations catered to making lives better for others who have come from where they’ve come from, have scholarship funds set aside for children that they don’t even know in hopes that they will succeed in life, and who will tell you in their own rhymes to not follow in their footseps, but to be better than them.

I just don’t understand it sometimes. I don’t understand how a black person couldn’t understand the need for a voice that comes from where many of us have come from. Truthfully, everybody hasn’t lived a hard knock life. Every black person isn’t from the projects nor is every black person poor and destitute. Then again, every black person isn’t rich or doing great either. A lot of people live check to check. A lot of people have come from circumstances that most of us only read about in the news. So why shouldn’t a group of individuals who never get a chance to be heard in Congress or in the places where people make decisions utilize the one means that EVERYBODY is listening to right now??

People say don’t judge a book by its cover. Yet we all do it. People say don’t judge other people, but we all do it. It’s a human tendency. However, judging an entire culture based on what you hear and see on television from time to time isn’t only ignorant as shit, its dangerous. These same bastards who do this, are the ones with access to large-scale media who would love nothing more than to hear a black man blame the problems of the black community on rap and hip-hop.

Jerome was selling drugs?? Blame 50 Cent…he talks about drugs in his songs. It’s so funny how people can be so easy to blame music, yet fail to even ATTEMPT to understand where the messages in the music come from. For the record, Jerome isn’t selling drugs because of 50 Cent, he’s selling drugs because he’s broke and McDonald’s doesn’t pay enough. And I’m not saying that there is an excuse for selling drugs, or even condoning the practice, but hell, the music doesn’t cause anybody to sell drugs. The demand for drugs causes people to sell drugs.

In fact…QUIT BLAMING THE FUCKING MUSIC. Blame the conditions for which the music was created in. Don’t assume that because you came up in the best of circumstances that other people did too. This isn’t to say that all of the music is positive. Clearly it isn’t. But it’s also not to blame for the ills of the black community. Blaming hip-hop is just creating a scapegoat. A scapegoat intended to stop people from looking in the mirror and realizing that they might not have been paying enough attention to their children or might not have been doing all that they could to make sure their child succeeds in life.

It’s so easy to blame other people for your own shit. And to claim that hip-hop is dragging down black culture is doing exactly that. Mr. Talley claims that hip-hop isn’t a voice. Well he’s wrong. The problem is, its a voice of a people he doesn’t accept. It’s also a voice for a people he doesn’t think needs one. It’s the voice of the immoral, the men and women who bastardize black culture and turn it into a travelling sideshow. Actually, fucker, its a voice for people who have shit to say and nowhere else to say it.

He even goes so far as to claim that hip-hop embarasses black people as a whole. I’m sorry, Mr. Talley, that the stories of your brothers and sisters embarsses you and casts negative images of who you are as a person onto the society at large. Hip-hop doesn’t demean or embarass me. Does hip-hop have its problems?? Hell yes. The thing is, as a part of the culture, I know that all rap doesn’t negatively stereotype women, or talk about drugs or guns. Some of it does, and I’ll make no excuses for it. Instead of being solely pissed at that though, somebody needs to be pissed and figure out why THAT is the music we latch onto the most and make the most popular.

Mr. Talley, and anybody who thinks like he does, reminds me of assholes(similar to Bill O’Reilly) who learn everything about black culture via the television and videos. They see that anytime a rapper is mentioned on a station aside from BET, MTV, or vh1, its for some type of crime or reference to a crime, or because some corporation is willing to pay one of these thugs for his bad behavior. They fail to realize, nor do they even care, that hip-hop exists outside of crime and that the hip-hop community has done many positive things. Nope…all they go on is what they assume they heard or what they assume they saw. Circumstances?? Irrelevant. All they know is that a rapper did something wrong.

Fuck ‘em.

So you see it’s not hip-hop that is destroying black culture, its ignorant people like Mr. Talley and his ilk, that don’t know anything about hip-hop speaking on it to the people that know nothing about it. It’s the blind leading the blind. The problem is that the blind in this case don’t know that you can’t see.

That’s whats dragging down black culture, intentional ignorance. They say an educated black man is a dangerous thing. Well I say that an educated black man that doesn’t get it is more dangerous.

Because that’s the fool you’ll hear.

THIS JUST IN: WE THE VOICES UPDATED!!! CHECK OUT WHATS GOING ON OVER AT WE THE VOICES!!!!

Something’s been on my mind for quite some time. And it’s bigger than me and you, your mama and your cousin too. It’s a phenomenon that was brought to my attention while reading the book Authenically Black by John McWhorter (who deserves his own entry indeed) about this whole notion of Mother Africa and the ability of us black folks to claim any and everything as a tie to Africa.

And you know what, I agree with him…that’s pure and utter bullshit.

Now I’m not a fan of Mr. McWhorter at all. In fact, I believe that he’s exactly what’s wrong with some black folks in America. And it isn’t that he doesn’t have good ideas because truthfully he does. It’s more in his execution. For instance, as opposed to saying that Amadou Diallo was unjustly murdered for pulling out a wallet, McWhorter takes the side of police officers in pointing out that they are working under stressful conditions and that they feared for their lives. Now I don’t find anything wrong with that statement except for the fact that THEY SHOT THIS DUDE 41 TIMES AND HIS BACK WAS TURNED TO THEM. Forty one mother fuckin’ times???

Look, I know this is old, and most of us are over the Diallo thing, but really, that was a complete miscarriage of justice. So I say fuck’em. Fuck’em up against a wall. Do like NWA and ‘Pac said. Every now and then, its completely understandable to say fuck the police. Not always…but dammit, sometimes it needs to be said.

And like usualy, I’ve not only digressed but completely lost my point.

Aha…Africa. Have you seen Belly?? I’ve seen it a good million times. Even bought the special edition. I love that movie. You’re probably wondering how I could love that movie. See, I don’t view it as a movie, more as an extra long form music video. If you watch it like that, it makes complete sense and flows smoothly. And yes, T-Boz and Taral Hicks both need Oscars for their interpretations of hood chicks that can’t act.

[***Sidenote: Speaking of T-Boz, wasn't her performance the absolute worst you've ever seen on screen? Go ahead, you can admit it. I wonder how many times Hype Williams wanted to shoot her, and I don't mean that in the directorial way either. It's hard to believe that her scenes were the best takes they got on her. If they were, then she is living proof that you cannot do anything you set your mind too. See that kiddes, failure is real. Sometimes there are things you just CAN'T do. Sheesh!***]

At the end of Belly, Nas’ character Sincere and wifey Tionne, decide to move to Africa. Where at in Africa??? You’re guess is as good as mine. They showed some damn trees and the sky and the assumption was that you were somewhere in the motherland, as opposed to say, I don’t know, ANYWHERE ELSE THAT HAS SOME DAMN TREES AND THE SKY!!! The voiceover was very clear as Nas says, “Africa…it was so beautiful.”

Hmmm.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a problem. Now I know that we cannot trace out ancestors back very far. We just know that they came over on some party boats and were promised some bubbly and some new digs, and well, we were lied too. But what we do know is that a majority of our ancestors came over from the Western Coast of Africa. Not exactly South Africa or Madagascar. Not Zimbabwe or the Congo. Not Kenya nor Ethiopia.

So why in the shit is it that everytime we do something we trace it back to Africa??? As a whole?? Now I understand the whole cultural identity thing and the fact that we, as a people, were removed from the original homeland and over time lost our ties to whichever country we originated from and its customs and heritage. Due to this, our history is lacking. We don’t have much of one outside of being Americans, nowadays, and even that’s shady at best.

THIS JUST IN: Visit We The Voices, updated weekly, sometimes daily. Stop by today…heh heh heh.

But that whole notion gets lost on me when we start referring to everything we do as being of African descent. Every dance cannot be traced back to some tribal dance. And I swear, if another dude tells me he got his aim from his ancestors, which is why he’s so accurate with a .45, I just might scream.

Further, I wonder if most people even know any actual Africans. I wonder this because every person I know from Africa refers to their country as their home. They don’t just say Africa when asked where they are from. They say Nigeria or Ghana (or wherever they’re from). When we go everseas and somebody asks where we’re from, we often say America (or some country in the Caribbean if we’re in hostile territory), or the U.S. Kicko, that’s a country…not a continent.

[***Another Sidenote: You ever hear some dude talk about being a "black man of Africa?" You have? Me too. WHERE NIGGA???? Damn, its a whole fuckin' continent. No WONDER we're a lost people. We forego maps and just assume that because no matter what African country you're in, you're still in Africa. So actual location doesn't matter. Cuz we're from Africa, and that's all that matters!***]

So where do we get off appropriating everything to a damn continent?? Dashikis!! Africa. Kwanzaa!!! Africa. Honestly, none of my friends from Africa celebrate Kwanzaa. Nor have I seen any of them in that overly colorful shit you can buy from the African stores in AnyMajorCity, USA. If you ask me, it seems like somebody is pimping Africa. Making money off of the perception of Africa.

Now that I think about it, I also get slightly miffed when folks send out those emails where you list everything about yourself and send it to 30 of your friends or you’ll die a horrible death by papercut, lemon, and telephone cord. One of the questions is always: Have you been to Africa? I can only assume this is the African-American version. I wonder if the white version says, ever been to Russia? People always respond to that question with, no, but I’m planning too. So my question is…WHERE in Africa?? Hell does it matter? Does stepping one foot on the continent equate to soul cleansing because of the journey, trials, and tribulation of our ancestors. And if that’s so, does it matter if our ancestors didn’t actually COME from the part of Africa you step foot on??

You see, people, my people, especially black Americans, are quick to point out that Africa is a continent full of beautiful black people all over. Continents have countries and everybody in Africa isn’t the same. Until we come up with something like Kwanzaa or some other random shit that cannot be factually tied to any particular country, and just say it’s from…AFRICA!!! I have no real beef with Kwanzaa until people start espousing that cultural tie to Africa thing because then my question becomes…WHERE IN AFRICA??? It’s good in theory but dammit, Africa isn’t a big ass country. Everybody in Africa doesn’t speak the same language or follow the same traditions.

Hell, everybody in America doesn’t speak the same language or follow the same traditions. So how can we be so closeminded as to just determine that anything we do black comes from Africa. Like that shit makes sense?? Can we determine a country of origin dammit?? Does it make any difference that people in Egypt and people in Sierra Leone do completely different shit?? Or is that just inconsequential when we are trying to establish that black people were responsible for civilization??

I’m all for determining our origins. But I really hate that black folks just so quickly make some false tie to Africa for any and everything that we do. Newsflash muchacha: Everything ain’t African. Ebonics??? Questionable tie AT BEST. Kwanzaa…umm…right! Kinte clothe??? Named after Kunte?? I don’t know the answer to that but until I see REAL people from Africa wearing it, I’ll pass.

And until somebody can prove to me that Nas was really in Africa, I’m assuming his ass was in South Carolina somewhere looking at some trees.

Unless somebody can prove he was in Kenya or some shit.

But until then…

Welcome to my new house. I know I know…it ain’t the snazziest place in town yet, but its a work in progress. Soon, I plan to have a nice layout, courtesy of my second in command over at We The Voices AKA the site designer, Black Martha.

Why the change??

Apparently, Blogger is owned by both Starbucks AND Bob Johnson…so them fuckers essentially shut me down. Either way…

Welcome!

Make sure to change the links because here is where it’s gonna permanently go down. Unless of course Starbucks gets me here too, in which case, well…I’m just up shit’s creek.

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Don’t forget to check out We The Voices. We’ve gotten some good responses thus far, so I’m really excited. If you’ve been to check it out, Thanks. We really appreciate the support. And if you hate it…well, thanks for going in the first place to decide that you hated it.

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WELCOME TO THE TERRORDOME!!!!! I’ve been busy as of late with a few different projects but I plan to be back on my P’s and Q’s about things. And now that I have a place that ACTUALLY FUNCTIONS, well the sky’s the limit.

Sayonara to the black background polka dot hell (as one person so eloquently put it) cuz Panama’s got a brand new bag…

…well blog, but you get the point!

ATTENTION: ANNOUNCING THE BEGINNING OF THE END…

WE THE VOICES has officially launched. Come check out the newest hot shit!!!

We don’t do big…we do history!!!!!

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Also, go check out the newest issue of The Flow Magazine, which has come back onto the scene. Shoutouts to Tionne and Lisa for their work on that project and the SERIOUS site design.

It’s hot to death…

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***Public Service Announcement: Today, I’d like to say that being secure in one’s own manhood is an important part of growing up. I am secure. However, if due to the content of this final edition of Season 1 (soon to be released on DVD, or hell probably before Martin anyway), if anybody dares question my manhood, I’ll kick you in the shin with a pink button up shirt on after watching The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. Thank you.***

The More You Know.

*ding*

[For reference, go back and re-read episodes 1-6, in respective order: Edwige, Brown Shuga, Brutha Code, Kajuana, Will, and Christen.]

Shameless Advertising: This season of the The Surreal Life: Blogger’s Edition, has been brought to you by all things Skeet-tastic. Skeetguard, Aww Skeet Skeet Skeetagra, and Skeeteraid. (Promo spots upcoming.)

Where the story left off: After a night of fun and debauchery; I’m talking nudity, Playboy style photos as mementos of the times that were shared, some Tequila shots, a little bit of country, and a little bit of rock and roll (to drown out the sorrow of Brutha Code having to wheel himself around for the rest of his life), the Surreal Lifer’s gathered their wits about themselves in sheer determination to find out who in fact shot…J.R.!!!!!!!!

I mean Brutha Code.

The truth of the matter was…it was…(and it pains me to say this…but I’m a man!!!)———Thick Dizzle!!!

*dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn*

We now take you to part 7, the final episode of The Surreal Life-Blogger’s Edition…coming at you live and direct from these e-streets!

*collective gasp overcomes the Surreal Lifers*

Christen: Thick Dizzle (TD) it was YOU!!!! How could you do this????
TD: Fuck you.

Well, Christen not being one to back down from a good fight, especially from a Que, or his ilk, expeditiously beat the shit out of TD.

Christen: Now don’t you ever TALK back or jump bad at me again!!!

A dejected and rather downtrodden TD limped to a seat outside and began to tell his side of the story.

TD: Y’all don’t understand. This fucker sued me. ME!!!! His own flesh and blood. So what I won the gotdamn case. Court costs and lawyer fees drained me of all of my resources. I couldn’t even afford to get good hats anymore. Do you know I was stuck with LIFESTYLES????? LIFESTYLES!!!!!! So I had to do it. I had to pay his ass back. I won the case, but I lost my will to live.

And with that, TD pulled out a chrome-plated .45 and blasted himself in the head.

(Okay really, these “meat” puns are killing me…)

TD was no more. And with Brutha Code somewhere out in the streets in a wheel chair, the crew did the only thing they felt was right. They had a memorial service where Tupac’s “Picture Me Rollin’” was played on repeat for something like 2 hours. But all was not well in the Surreal Life household. Stay tuned for more The Surreal Life-Blogger’s Edition, after this commercial break.

*Commercial Break*

Have you been having problems in the sack lately?? Does your little lady not even feel like talking to you anymore?? Do you need a hug?? Does your woman often times want some good lovin’ and you have to decline so she’s stuck yellin’….”WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!”

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Get your Mojo and your Jangalang back!!!

Back to Episode 7: We find the crew in the house packing up and getting ready to leave the Surreal Life house, but all is not well, for the entire crew is in the middle of a heated argument! Take a gander:

Panama: Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you…ESPECIALLY fuck you, and last but not least, FUCK YOU. All y’all can die for all I care. Westside beeyotch!!!

Kajuana: Oh no he didn’t!!!! Indeed, I’ll have to whip his ass. I’ve been carried out of a club before, but they can’t stop me in my house. Somebody hold my tiara!!! Indeed!!!!!!!!!!

Edwige: Has anybody seen my nude photos??? I can’t leave the house without my nude photos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently in the interim, Panama got into a heated debate with the other members of the cast about…OMARION. The cast members refused to accept Panama’s remark that it was good music.

Brown Shuga AKA Big Shug AKA Shuga Shuga: Oh Panama, that ain’t good music…now this here Troop!!! That’s good music. Sit down and calm down youngsta!!! These little boys ain’t good for nothing but their good backs…I swear.

Will: Now if you were talking some of that Jill Scott, I might hear you. But Omarion, please.

Edwige: No really, those nude pictures, guys. I really do want them back!!! And for that matter…

Christen: Somebody find that girl her damn pictures before I have to choke slam her.

Panama: See, this is why we can’t get nowhere as a people. I’m trying to enlighten the masses and folks are worried about nude pictures. Where’s the justice officers!! Where’s the fuckin’ Justice!!!!

Panama, being completely heated, stormed outside to drink some Kool-Aid and throw rocks at squirrels. Edwige, his loving fiancee (still sans her nude pictures) came outside to console him. She decided that the best way to make him feel better was to give him a lap dance. However the only music they had in the house was Oleta Adams. Panama didn’t mind though…he was smiling all the live long day.

Inside however, Kajuana was still fuming. Will did his best to calm her down but it was no use.

Kajuana: I give him some of my best ideas. I inspire him in anyway I can…and this is how I get repaid???? I taught him how to enunciate!!!

Christen: You can’t save them all, jackslap his ass. He’ll come around.

Will: Don’t you all know that you can’t live like this. The Urban League teaches us that we must work together as a people. We must live strong!!!

Panama (peeking head inside door): I heard that. I don’t have to live strong…my pimp-hand is way strong!!!! Ooooooooooooooooooooooo….

They all decided that arguing wasn’t worth it and decided to get over their differences with a few gimlets. Edwige is such a fan she figured it would take the edge off…and boy was she right. The debauchery that occurred that evening was unprecedented. With Brown Shuga directing everybody, the crew ended up feeling lovely and all the hard feelings and accusatory guilt of who shot Brutha Code was left to the wayside as they prepared to leave the following morning. Stay tuned after this commercial break for the conclusion of The Surreal Life-Blogger’s Edition.

*Commerical Break*

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Brought to you by Skeet-tastic. From the windows, to the walls…we’re all over the place!

We now return to the final scenes of the The Surreal Life-Blogger’s Edition.

The next morning, all the housemates woke up to a sort of sad but happy feeling. Sad that they were leaving but happy to get away from eachother. Seven weeks can be a long time…especially in the blog world. As they all hugged and stood there, telling eachother how much they’d miss one another and how much they hoped to see one another again…

…Brutha Code rolled up on them with an Uzi and murdered everybody.

The end.

Everybody has skeletons in the closet.

Hmm, that isn’t descriptive enough. Some of us have mouse skeletons in our closet, and others of us have Tyrannasaurus Rex families in their closets. Like third, fourth, and fifth cousins, of T. Rex families in their closet.

Come to think of it, I wonder if dinosaurs practiced family like we do. Like did they claim third cousins?? I know in my family you can’t date anybody who can even claim to be a cousin, but how did dinosaurs function?

Okay, the fact that that last line of thought was potentially the stupidest shit you’ve ever heard is evident, however, it has nothing to do with this post…so let’s just move on, mmkay?

Back to the skeletons in the closet. Well you see I have a lot of CDs. I’m in the neighborhood of 700, which was as of the last time I took an active role in counting. And as much as I love my taste in music, I have some seriously questionable purchases in my collection. When the collection is being perused, I always hear somebody go, “What the…?” Well, I’ve decided to divulge my skeletons AKA questionable purchases (which to me made perfect sense at the time, well not all of them…but about 30% of them).

Panama Jackson Presents Credibility Crushers: Music That Makes You Go Hmmmm

1) Domino-Domino

The Ghetto Jam. Man this song was on everybody’s radio station hard…in 1994. You know honestly, this purchase wouldn’t even so bad if I didn’t buy it like 2 months ago. See that’s the problem with my bad purchases…it isn’t like I bought them when they first dropped, I made this bad ass purchase…recently. God is not happy with me.

2) Tatyana Ali-Kiss The Sky

She can kiss my ass for making such a bad album. However, she was so cute on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And she sampled all the songs you couldn’t go wrong with for singles. Hell, Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz had just made “Deja Vu (Uptown Baby)” and it was a hit, so she made “Daydreamin’”, then came with “Boy You Knock Me Out.” So you’re saying neither of these was a good enough reason to purchase this album?? Wait, you’re saying you haven’t even HEARD these songs??

Dude, she had Will Smith backing her up!!

*re-reading last sentence*

Fuck you, she’s pretty.

3) The Darkness-Permission to Land

Wow…this one was just bad. Like honestly, you’ve probably never heard of this group, but I’m sure you’ve heard the song, “I Believe In A Thing Called Love.” It’s the one where the throw back to the 70′s rock band/group (would they get offended if I called them a group?) sings in really high tones about the “thing called love.” It’s kind of catchy and kiddy. Well, dammit, I bought the whole CD, and I’ve been mad at myself the whole time for having the audacity to purchase this CD, and have yet to actually own a copy of Thriller…in CD form.

My mother would disown me if she knew this.

*not a happy camper right now…at all*

4) Queen Pen-My Melody

Egads. Yes me and her mother, and lesbian lover at the time, are the only people to actually own this CD. What’s funny is, it seems that people didn’t even know she had an album come out. This album got SO little burn, I’m having to look at Amazon RIGHT NOW to figure out why I bought this. Apparently this CD was purchased for the song “A Party Ain’t A Party”. For shame…ladies and gentlemen…

I bought Queen Pen. With my own money.

5) Will Smith-Willenium

Now I know some people might want to laugh. But you all know damn well you were feeling “Just Cruisin’” or “Miami” or “Gettin’ Jiggy With It”. Just the other day I saw a gangster crip-walking to “Gettin’ Jiggy”. For all those assholes who have looked in my collection and were flabbergasted…fuck you, this album was a classic!!!!

Okay, not classic but better than shit!

I really like the song “The Rain” too.

Hmm…after checking with Amazon, it seems none of the songs I mentioned, save “The Rain” are on this album. What IS on this album? “So Fresh” (da hell??), “Will2K”, (I’m really feeling sick right now), and everybody’s favorite…”Wild Wild West.”

I deserve no mercy and shall now kick rocks barefoot after a pedicure.

6) Crazy Town-Gift of Game

Honestly, they had that one Top 40 hit, “Butterfly”. You know, “come my lady/come come my lady/you’re my butterfly/sugar baby”.

No??

Trust me, I’m in complete agreement with you on this one. Some things should never be purchased. Sex, love, and this CD are prime examples.

To be serious here for a moment, there really is no good reason to ever even think about purchasing this CD. Not that you did, but the lead single got me. I pray, for the love of humanity, and your unborn children, never purchase shit from Crazy Town (where the hell is this place anyway?). I’ve hated myself for years because of this.

7) Profyle-Nothing But Drama

You know, I actually really like this CD. Nobody ELSE believes that its a good CD, and is always like, you actually BOUGHT THIS SHIT??? And to them I say…of course. They gave us “Liar” and we all know that was a hot song…then came the best song of whatever year this dropped, “Damn.” I’m telling you, this is actually a good CD. It’s like B2K Grown Up.

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

Color Me Badd-C.M.B.

Music’s answer to affirmative action. You just had to love these guys didn’t you. No?? Yeah, I own their first CD, and though I can’t name anymore than three songs on it (“I Wanna Sex U Up”, “I Adore”, and “All For Love”), I still am better today for being willing to support Operation PUSH and the Rainbow Coalition in their attempts to bring about a group of non-talented multi-racial singers together to record a few albums for the cause of creating the “melting pot.”

Just to bad they weren’t smoking pot; the shit might have been better.

9) BBD-Hootie Mack

You remember the Fresh Prince episode where Carlton rents out the house for a video shoot?? And BBD shows up singing a song you hadn’t heard?? Well, that is why I bought this album. Aside from being a fan, I thought that song was tight. Man, television not only adds 10 pounds, but it lies too. That song sucked. In fact this album wasn’t any bood, except for the songs “Above The Rim” and “Something In Your Eyes.” Luckily I only paid 5 bucks for it…in 2004.

Original Release Date: June 1993

And what in the shit is a “hootie mack?” Do they even know??

And the coup de grace…

10) Hillary Duff-Metamorphosis

Aside from the fact that she probably can’t even spell “metamorphosis”, this album is just downright horrible. And yet, with my own money, I intentionally purchased this album for the song, “Come Clean.” And do you know it WASN’T the Hillary Duff remix of Jeru tha Damaja’s song??? When people question this purchase I can’t do anything but say, you’re right…I’m wrong. This joint is just horrendous…in fact, that doesn’t even describe how bad this is…

*looking up new word for bad*

…its downright UNGODLY. Actually I like the term “grisly” more, but God can’t be happy with this CD.

There you have it…10 albums that make you go hmm. I’m not ashamed anymore…the truth has set me free!!!!

Besides, at least I didn’t get anything like Kris Kross last CD.

Waitaminute…

…dammit.

Never mind.

Some folks say that gangsters make the world go ’round. Well not really some folks, mostly gangsters say this…and not always real gangsters either, but folks who spell gangster with an “a” at the end, like “gangsta,” who have videos and make albums like ten years past their prime and say stupid shit in their songs that is SO far from their reality.

Hmm…Are We There Yet???

However, I, along with the rest of the world tend to think that people make the world go ’round. I love people. I’m fascinated with people and how we interact with one another and respond to one another.

And it is with this fascination that I’ve determined that, well, people are simply full of shit. Through and through, in every conceivable way, people are just completely and utterly full of shit.

And I’m a people…so I know this from firsthand experience.

But to what am I referring?? Well, its no secret that people operate at damn near all times in their own best/self interest. What I hate is folks who refuse to acknowledge this when clearly their every action speaks to the contrary. Folks who only call you or talk to you when they need something. Folks who refuse to own their bullshit. People who will justify any and everything so that they are right and refuse to ever be wrong for shit. People who never apologize for anything and refuse to ever think that they need to. People who are never there when you need them, yet swear that they will always have your back.

Basically, I’m talking about selfish, lying, and full of shit bastards.

[***Sidenote: This is coming off as an angry rant. To the contrary (that's the second time I've used that word in this post), I have a smile on my face right now. I'm only speaking truth about people in general. This is aimed at nobody in particular nor was it inspired by any person (people) in particular. It's all general. It's based on life, situations, and conversations, that's all. However, if the shoe fits, dammit, it's yours. And if you chose to be offended, its you're choice so fuck you.***]

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have beef with people who are full of shit but refuse to own their shit. The same folks who will be quick to call everybody else on their own shit, yet refuse to look inwards. The same folks who will look you dead in your face and lie to you or try to make you feel bad for something that they caused or contributed too. The same muhfuckas who if given the chance, would Nino Brown your ass in court…AFTER telling you that they’d ride for you until the end.

My name is Panama, and I’m an asshole.

Now this fact might come as a surprise to you, but it was confirmed just a few weeks ago by a group of friends. I love these friends of mine. When asked who is the biggest asshole out of a group of folks that were present, I won unanimously. It was hard for some of them to do, but they came through in the clutch and nailed me. And I know exactly why in each of their cases.

***Coming soon…We The Voices…this week from JGT Enterprises***

So what did I do? I owned my assholishness. Accepted my award hands down. I’m not oblivous to the fact that I’ve done some assholish things in life. Hell, who hasn’t?? The difference lies in the fact that some people refuse to believe that they are indeed assholes, hence are full of shit. That is what draws my ire. You see, I genuinely feel bad when I screw folks over, if it comes to that. This also assumes the person being screwed over hasn’t put theirself into a position to be screwed over. At that point, all bets are off, especially if you create the situation in which you are about to get screwed over.

Stupid is, as stupid does, my momma always said.

This also assumes that you haven’t been forced into a situation where you HAVE to be an asshole because of the circumstances present. Believe you me, sometimes people place you in situations that are going to end bad no matter what you do…in that case, fuck it, you might as well make the best out of it.

I have a friend, and before either one of does something that will call our morality into question, we always consult with one another and ask one simple question:

“Are you okay with being a bad person?”

Usually the answer is “yes” but it usually doesn’t entail anything too bad either. It’s not like we are contemplating taking out the Pope, Michael Jackson, or Halle Berry, or anything. More often than not its along the lines of not calling somebody back or not going somewhere we said we’d be…something that’s harmless in the grand scheme of things but at the moment seems dire, like not being able to find a rest stop on the highway. Aside from the inside joke though, that question causes each of us to have to accept the fact that what we are doing could be interpreted in a less than angelic way. Basically, you have to accept your shit.

That’s the thing, none of us is perfect. We all make mistakes, however, most of the time we recognize when we are doing something less than stellar. Even in my assholishness, I recognize how my actions can be taken from all parties involved. Which is why when I was outed as being the biggest asshole by my friends (though apparently there is some dispute about my unanimous decision…frankly, I’m honored), I recognized it for what it was worth, smiled, and continued on with the proceedings. I’ve BEEN an asshole and refuse to run from it. I can’t blame others for my shit, nor would I want other people to allow me to look outside of myself for my fuckedupedness.

Well all have to look at ourselves first. If you are an asshole, recognize it. Own your assholishness. If it is causing problems, do something about it, and get your shit together. Hell, if it isn’t causing problems, hope that people don’t start to hate you because eventually, people will get tired of the asshole in you and it will cause problems.

And I think that is a big problem within the confines of many friendships, relationships, and families, in general. People make mistakes, but refuse to accept responsibility for their actions. Or they find reasons as to why they aren’t at fault. People have this fear of looking at themselves first because it will cause us to have to realize who we really are and how our actions affect other people, and basically realize that in truth, you aren’t such a great person. That’s probably the scariest thing in life to realize; you really aren’t shit, and it’s your own fault.

My name is Panama D. Jackson, and I’m an asshole. But I’ll never be confused for being a bad person, or a person that can’t be trusted because I’ll give my life for you if you need it. And everybody knows I will…but most importantly, I know I will.

Perception and reality are one and the same as far as I’m concerned…I don’t have to lie and I’m not afraid to look at myself in the mirror (mostly because I’m so damn sexxy). I can look in the mirror with ease.

Can you?

Panama Jackson University-Westside

Half Semester Course/Spring Semester 2005

Street Science 101: An Introduction to Hoodology

Course Syllabus

Professor: Dr. Panama D. Jackson, Ph.D., O.P.P.
Teaching Assistant: Kajuana DeLaHood, The Undisputed Champ of Great Ghetto Ideas, Creative Consultant to e-Celebrities, Co-Defendant

Class Schedule: MTWTh 1-215pm, also available by appointment on anyday except Wednesdays from 9-10pm while Kevin Hill is on, and Sundays if they bring back The Wire

Course Description: A survey course geared towards those individuals with limited to NO knowledge of inner city-type information (read: hood life) who however seem to believe that they might know a lil’ something something based on their ownership of such CD’s as 50 Cent, Nelly, or Chingy, thereby making a damn fool of themselves and inadvertently putting themselves in harm’s way. This course is not limited to white people for there are many black people who really don’t know, don’t show, or just don’t care about what goes on in the hood (read: Les Negroes from the burbs, or Nebraska)…AND NEED TO KNOW. *Course will use popular artists and movies to further the discussion and understanding.*

Course Credit: 3 Hours or Your Life

Required Readings (before class): Young Boys Incorporated: The Story of Butch Jones, B-More Careful, Iceberg Slim, any Donald Goines Novel, Crime Statistics for any major city, and anything gang-related in your local newspaper, and Our Kind of People (to see who we’re NOT talking about)

Required Viewings (On-going): First and Third Seasons of HBO’s The Wire and The Corner

Weekly Course Descriptions

Week 1: Welcome To The Hood
Topics to be Discussed: This week will focus on where the hood is in most major cities and who lives there. What also will be discussed is why you won’t go there and why you shouldn’t go there until after the class is completed, and even then why it’s a risky proposition. To quote eloquently (courtesy of Treach on “Ghetto Bastard”) “if you ain’t from the ghetto, then you wouldn’t understand the ghetto, so stay the f*ck out of the ghetto”.

Required Listening: Tupac “My Block”, Nas Illmatic, Scarface “My Block”, NWA Straight Outta Compton

(pay attention to the message, not the slang, we’ll get there)

Required Viewing: Boyz ‘N Tha Hood

Homework Assignment: Write an essay about your perception of the hood. You will be wrong.

Week 2: Conversational Slanguistics
Topics to be Discussed: Decipherization of the Gods’ terminology, dunny. The breakdown and clarification of street lingo. From guns, to drugs, to everyday conversation; learn what they’re REALLY saying and why you SHOULD know.

Required Listening: Big L “Ebonics”, any Wu-Tang album, any E-40 album, Mobb Deep The Infamous, All Diplomats Recordings (specifically Cam’ron and Juelz Santana)

Homework Assignment: Translate an entire E-40 song into Standard English, and, turn any Frank Sinatra song into a slang melage that any body from Queensbridge/Compton/Atlanta would love

Week 3: Gun Talk
Topics to be Discussed: Furthering the slang discussion, this week’s focus will be on the different types of guns that most gun-carrying individuals chose and their street nomenclature and value. From .45′s to Uzi’s, discover what your favorite gangsters favorite piece of steel is. Also to be discussed: concealability, Cop Killers, 17-round clips, banana clips, bullet proof vests (special guest lecture by 50 Cent, tentatively), and Street Sweepers

Required Listening: Pretty much any G-Unit release with special attention to 50 Cent recordings, any Mobb Deep recording

Homework Assignment: Procure a firearm and lock, load, and disarm in front of class (any casualty results in one letter grade reduction on assignment)

Week 4: Dope Game
Topics to be Discussed: A discussion on drug running, distribution, and consumption in the hood. Learn about “the dope spot.” Discuss the differences in crack and cocaine as well as how to cook the coke properly. Learn about “bricks” and “flipping birds” and “smack”. Further slang discussion as the street terms for drugs are elucidated. Quote to keep in mind: “boy is the slang for dope/girl is cocaine…”-AZ, “Boy/Girl”

Required Listening: Jay-Z Reasonable Doubt, any G-Unit release with specific attention to Tony Yayo, any T.I. release, and ESPECIALLY any and all Diplomat’s recordings (if you miss the Slang discussions, this will fall on deaf ears)

Required Viewing: The Wire, Menace II Society, King of New York, Paid in Full

Homework Assignment: Procure a kilo of cocaine, and properly cut the coke for distribution (DO NOT DISTRIBUTE! I REPEAT, DO NOT DISTRIBUTE!)

Week 5: Gangsters Make The World Go Round
Topics to be Discussed: This week’s focus will be on understanding gang life and recognizing gang symbols and terminology. Also, real vs. studio gangsters, discussion of the differences between gangs in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, and in the South as a whole. Additional topic: understanding beef between rival sets, hoods, and gangs. Understanding when entering rival territory, and the Duck and Cover Principle.

Required Listening: Snoop Dogg recordings, The Game, most early Death Row recordings, Mack 10, W.C., Jay-O Felony, Eazy-E

Required Viewing: Colors, Boyz ‘N Tha Hood (if you watched it already, use it as a referene), Bangin’ In Little Rock, South Central, HBO special on Latin Kings

Homework: Join a Gang

Week 6: Code of the Streets
Topics to be Discussed: Understanding the mentality of the streets and why snitching is forbidden and what happens to snitches both in the streets and in prison. Credibility risks in the hood. Never talking to police. Copping pleas from the DA. Loyalty to your crew/hood/gang, and why this is more important than your mother. Possible guest debate: The Game vs. 50 Cent

Required Listening: Scarface “G-Code”, NWA “F*ck Tha Police”, pretty much any street oriented album, 50 Cent “Many Men”

Required Viewing: Last two episodes of Season Three of The Wire, Paid in Full, Belly, Clockers

Homework Assignment: Write a report for presentation to the class on a famous snitch, making sure to outline what HAPPENED to said snitch

Week 7: Reputation
Topics to be Discussed: How to both establish and maintain a reputation and why this is important. How your street rep can be tarnished in a matter of minutes (see Ja Rule). Living on rep alone (see Omar from The Wire).

See careers of: 50 Cent, Marion “Suge” Knight, any dude in your local projects nicknamed “Black”

Homework Assignment: Write a report on how it is possible that getting shot (AKA being a “victim” under normal circumstances) equates creating and sending your reputation to astronomical levels

Week 8: Getting Out of the Streets: Possible???
Topics to be Discussed: Is it possible to leave the streets?? Discuss why anybody would want to leave the streets and whether or not its a feasible option…for health and safety reasons.

Required Listening: 2Pac “Death Around The Corner”, “If I Die Tonight”, Mobb Deep “Cradle 2 Da Grave”, 50 Cent catalog, Kool G. Rap, Notorious B.I.G. “Suicidal Thoughts”, “Juicy”

Required Viewing: see ending of Boyz N Tha Hood, Menace II Society, South Central, The Wire, Paid in Full, Belly (umm…not really, but the point is made)

Homework Assignment: Help a Young Urban (read: black) youth get out of the game/streets and remain alive for at least 2 weeks (after that he’s on his own)

Week 9: Finals Week
Final Exam: Move to the projects/hood for a week and remain alive and manage to return on Friday at 5pm to tell about it

*Final grade is dependent upon returning the exact same way you left, to be determined by pre-hood physical examination*

We look forward to a great semester!!!

EDIT (3/3/05): Are you a Spike Lee fan?? Have you seen all of his movies?? Have you heard of the movie She Hate Me??? If so (or if not) go check out the review I did of Spike Lee’s She Hate Me over at Bolivion, and check out the other movie reviews.

That title has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

I swear.

Every now and then you just get a whole bunch of random thoughts floating through your head. Everybody’s done it. You know, you see a tree and wonder how in the world Magic Johnson managed to stay employed in a SPEAKING position for so long. Or you hear Bobby Brown’s song “My Prerogative” and think, damn, if Keebler Elves grew any taller, would they be Keebler Midgets?? Would that change the marketing schemes??? And do midgets, dwarves, and elves, discriminate against one another??

And do we call that All-Of-It-Short Violence???

Well today, I’m going to just share my random thoughts about anything that comes to mind. At this point, I have no idea what’s going to come so bear with me.

-I may have to rethink this crush I have on Christina Milian. She has a new song with Ja Rule called “Get Away” that just sucks. I mean its bad in every conceivable way to be bad. Lyrics, music, vocally…shit sounds like ass gumbo mixed with sulfur. It’s just not good. In fact, its the un-good.

-Doesn’t Nick Cannon look a little bit TOO excited to be in the “Disco Inferno” video with 50 Cent. Actually, I’d be that excited too!!!

-Speaking of 50 Cent, apparently Game has been kicked out of G-Unit. Does that mean The Game’s over???? I know…that sucked. But does anybody really even care?? And honestly, who DIDN’T see that shit coming.

-Oooooooooo that’s a good look baby!

-If you claim to know good music and don’t know who Eric Roberson is, or know who he is and don’t have any of his albums, load up the .45 and shoot yourself. Or better yet, just go get The Vault 1.5. Seriously, this album is good and a few of the songs epitomize my life, especially, “Couldn’t Hear Me.”

-I live in a Maryland suburb of Washington, DC. DC, suburban Maryland, and suburban Virginia, all shut public schools down from Thursday thru yesterday (Monday) due to snow. Total snow accumulation: maybe 6 inches. Ladies and gentlemen…THIS is why our kids are getting dumber, not television, not video games…they are getting dumber for following our lead.

-Hello.

-To everybody who’s been asking why my (lazy) homeboy hasn’t updated that 10 Greatest Love Songs Ever on my mama’s music…well, it’s coming. We The Voices will be launching soon. Like very soon…

-Dandelions in the Parking Garage…coming soon!!!

-Aren’t you tired about hearing about my dandelions??

-Hmm…but why are there dandelions in the parking garage??

-I joined the Gold’s Gym in my area…I’m gonna get my Don’t Hurt ‘Em Sexxy on.

-You ain’t ready.

-If they came before Columbus…how’d they get here?

-Does everybody have a blog crush??? It would seem that everybody does. I wonder how much overlap there is on blog crushes.

-Have you seen my childhood??

-Mike is one scary lookin’ dude. They keep showing pictures of him in Court or what not and all I can keep thinking is that I won’t be able to show my kids what Michael Jackson looked like post-1982. Such a shame…

-Martin Lawrence really doesn’t get enough credit for giving Will Smith his style after the first Bad Boys movie. Maybe I’m the only one who noticed, but I swear, after Bad Boys, Will started doing a whole lot of Martin-esque shit on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

-Speaking of Fresh Prince, do you realize that Will Smith had EVERY fine chick from back in the day on his show with the exception of Halle Berry (I think): Nia Long, Tisha Campbell, Ajai Sanders, Jasmine Guy, Vivica Fox, Kim Fields, Naomi Campbell, Tyra Banks…dude…that’s one hell of a resume. And I KNOW I’m forgetting a lot.

-Between Fresh Prince, Martin, and A Different World, black shows were seriously that hotness in the early 90′s.

-Never name your child Shaundrineetaloma. It’s not a good look.

-Lindsay Lohan’s father threatened to kill his family and said that “OJ didn’t have anything on him…” That has to go down in history as one of the funniest things to say that just might land you in jail. Hmm…do you think OJ feels his title has been threatened?? Like wouldn’t you want to place a bet on this one to see if he really COULD top OJ??

-We The Voices! Coming soon…

-Congrats goes to Jamie Foxx and Morgan Freeman for winning at the Oscars!!!

-I don’t know about you, but I was REALLY happy that Jamie Foxx won. Not because he’s black, but so that black people wouldn’t riot. Funny thing is, no black person I know has even seen the other movies…we just all assumed that nobody could have been better than Jamie. You think the Oscars took the potential riots into consideration??

-Kudos to Chris Rock for the Magic Johnson Theatre’s skit. That shit was funny. However, his monologue made me want to stab you.

-Damn shame I missed this, but Max at Bolivion, for the entire month of February did a black movie review a day for Black History Month. It aint up yet (he’s black so he’s a few days behind) but I reviewed Spike Lee’s She Hate Me. Talk about a riddle trapped inside a mystery trapped inside of an enigma. Spike needs a hug.

-I’m reading Quincy Jone’s autobiography right now. I swear, there isn’t a single famous artist of the past 50 years that Quincy Jones hasn’t worked with, drank with, or slept with (the women anyway). He knows EVERYBODY. This dude was friends with Sinatra, Miles, Count Basie, banged Dinah Washington. Good got damn…if there is one man worthy of knowing in life, it’s Quincy Jones.

-Yes nigga, I read…A LOT.

-Won’t you be…won’t you be…won’t you be my neighbor!!!

That’ll do donkey, that’ll do!