Happy Valentine’s Day…Everyday’s The 14th
“…when arrows don’t penetrate/Cupid grabs the pistol…” Happy Valentine’s Day, Andre 3000, The Love Below(2003)
Ironically…that’s how some of you feel isn’t it?????
Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
Now I know for some, this isn’t the happiest day of the year. I know I know, some of us don’t have any dates. Hell, I myself don’t even have a Valentine…well, kinda sorta don’t. Sad, but true. For me its more personal. When I realized that women took Valentine’s day rather, how shall we say, SERIOUSLY, I decided that you don’t just spend Valentine’ s day with some chick that you know who tells you that she’s always had a crush on you or that she’s going to make sure its the most magical night of your life. I’m not saying it wasn’t a good night, I’m just saying maybe it meant more to her than it did to me, my boys, and that video camera we had stashed between those two pillows. That’s all I’m saying.
I keed, I keed!!!
Either way, not everybody wants a date because they are in love. Some people just want a date because hell, it’s Valentine’s Day and other people are out with dates. Jealous bastards! And to that I say…getchu one!!! If you want a date, go out and get you one…even last minute.
Now Panama, how do I get me a date last minute???
Shut up the fuck up and I’ll tell you. It’s really quite simple actually. And oddly enough, it matters not if you are a man or woman. Hell, I saw a penguin use these tactics I’m going to share with you…and do you know he pulled a Giraffe??? A giraffe!!!! If penguins can pull giraffes, then anybody can pull themselves a date last minute.
Okay, I really didn’t see a penguin pull a giraffe. I’m not completely delusional. He did however…pull a seal.
So, since I’m such a nice guy I figured that I should share my knowledge with everybody. One could say I’m sharing the love, ya know with it being Valentine’s Day and all. Without a date I have nobody to share the love with so I’m just gushing with pent up love!! Yeah I said, gushing!! I’m a gusher. Hmm…that sounds a little, umm, how you say, perverted. But fuck you, I got love on my heart.
Guaranteed to work at any bar, brothel, NAACP meeting, Target, Best Buy, sidewalk, classroom, cafeteria, or flea market…
Panama Jackson Presents How To Pull A Last Minute Valentine’s Date: 10 Steps to Take To Make Sure You Aren’t One of the Lonely Bastards Eating Ice Cream Complaining About Not Having a Date (all assuming you don’t give a shit if you ever see or speak to them again)
1. Don’t be yourself!
Face it, being yourself is why you don’t have a date in the first place. Duh!! The best way to snag a date last minute is to basically recreate yourself into something you aren’t. Let’s say for instance you are a garbageman. Well, clearly that doesn’t sound so sexxy to the woman sitting at the bar. Most folks would tell you to say that you are a sanitation engineer. I’ll do you one better!! Tell her you’re a lawyer. You might not ever see her again anyway, so who gives a shit. In fact, tell her that you work closely with Charles Ogletree on this whole reparations movement but you can’t talk much about the case due to the legality of it all. Not only do you sound like a powerful person, but you sound like you care about the people.
For women, just tell random man that you were born to be a housewife and cater to your man. Hell, tell him that you have the song “Cater 2 U” by Destiny’s Child on repeat in your CD player and that it has been adopted as your theme song. You know, pretend you aren’t the ultra independent, ridiculously successful woman that you are. Essentially, pretend that you don’t make more money than him when clearly you do. Face it, if he did make more money than you (and was somewhat attractive), he’d have a date, or at least a white wife!
***Most of the methods are some extension of the first one.***
2. Pretend to be deeper than you really are!
This one should be really easy. Just walk up to said random individual and strike up a conversation with them about something you know very little about but are able to bullshit about well. Like, jazz, or life in general. For the fellas, start a conversation about how you’d like to make a difference in the world and how you’re life really isn’t about you, its about other people…hell, tell her that we’re just ordinary people and that we don’t know which way to go!!! In fact, use as many song lines and titles in the conversation as possible. She probably won’t even realize it until tomorrow morning anyway.
Ladies, just strike up a conversation about why you think that a) Nas is the best rapper and that Jay-Z can’t hold his own, or b) the Philadelphia Eagles nutted up and cost you $100 bucks because Donovan McNabb played like some pure d shit in the Super Bowl reminding you that you were gonna owe somebody $100 bucks because you thought that they could win. Yes, use $100. Either of these conversations will result in him doing all of the talking and you just having to throw out vague statements even if you couldn’t give a shit about what he’s talking about.
Instant. Date.
[***Sidenote: This all assumes that the man/woman you are trying to lure into your web has no date either. Basically they wil be running the exact same game that you are running. This means that the lies will be flying left and right. I say, try to be the one with the absolute best lie by the end of the night. Remember, you don't give a shit if you ever see them again. It's all a game anyway. Hell, don't even use you're real name. For the fellas, tell them that your name is Richard, but my friends call me Dick, U. Down, and ladies tell him that your name is Angelina Jiggles. Really, would anybody be against this???***]
3. Do the exact opposite of what you’d normally do!
Just like with number 1, essentially go out of your way to be the complete opposite person from who you normally are. Remember, you don’t have a date so it can’t really hurt now can it?? Can it?????????????
If you’re normally quiet, hell be the center of attention somewhere and draw the men into your web of deception. If you’re normally loud, be quiet and see if the women come to you. In fact…
4. If you’re a man, be the brother who looks pitiful because his wife/girlfriend/dog just left him!
Be pitiful. Go to the bar and put on a show. Make sure that the women notice you, but act like you don’t notice them noticing you. Make it seem like you’re world is coming to a complete and total end. Talk to yourself. Have angry conversations with yourself that start with, “I should have KNOWN….” Say how stupid you are at least three times and make sure that the women hear you. You have to really sell this shit though. You can’t just act pathetic, you have to BE pathetic.
In fact, pretend that your best friend just slept with your mother…THAT should fuck you up REAL good!
5. If you’re a woman, just flash a dude at the bar, meeting, church service, what have you. I guarantee you’ll get some attention and a date.
This really needs no explanation. Just remember that you’ll now have a plethora of dates to chose from.
Choose wisely, mmkay???
6. Ask that loser at your job that you KNOW won’t have a date if he or she wants to get some coffee or something. ANYWHERE BUT STARBUCKS!!!
I mean, hell you don’t have a date muhfucka. Let your pride go and make a new friend. For men this might cause more problems in the future than you want because for some reason, she might all of a sudden think that you actually are interested in her when really you were just bored and wanted to go out like regular folks do on Valentine’s Day. She might start emailing you everyday and stopping by your office just to say, “what’s up?” If this happens…well…quit. She’s not going anywhere. She’s good at her job because nobody speaks to her so she isn’t going to get fired for anything. You are going to have to quit.
Women, if you ask that loser dude, he’ll DEFINITELY become a problem. I’d suggest that you just accuse him of sexual harassment if he starts getting to friendly and get his ass fired. Chances are he’s a loser that nobody else likes anyway so they’ll let him go without much hoopla.
You just have to love Valentine’s Day don’t you???
(I just have to do this. I just saw her on the Grammy Award’s and decided that I have to get famous so that I can meet this woman!!!!)
7. For the ladies, tell some dude that you been practicing how to Dip It Low, and you’d like somebody to be a judge to see if you’ve got it right.
Look, I don’t give a shit what you say, Christina Milian was merely trying to assist the masses of women out there who really have NO clue how to dip it low, then pick it up slow, move it all around, then poke it out like their back’s broke. Then you got to pop, pop, pop that thang. Got damn how hard is it to do that shit. But noooooooooooooo. I see SO many damn women out there who have no FUCKIN’ clue what they are doing. I should have known when that damn Butterfly dance came out and chicks were having difficulty with that. They were going to have to grow up someday weren’t they?? Weren’t they???? Now they got some NEW shit that they can’t do.
Jeez. O. Flip.
Ahem…
Basically, just get the man to believe that you need help trying to make sure you are getting that right. Hell, I’ll come help you figure it out your dilemma!!!!
8. Men…bring a BOOK with you somewhere.
You know, its really a shame I’m able to say this (it’s actually an entire other post in and of itself, and oh yeah, its coming) but, just read like 3 or 4 pages of said book. Go to a bar or something or somewhere that people look like they might read. Guaranteed, if you look friendly enough, some woman will ask you about the book you’re reading. If you are able to say something about it, you are GUARANTEED some convo, and probably enough to seal the deal.
True story. I always bring books with me on the way to work on the train. I like to read and its good reading time. At least once a day, I get asked by somebody, and usually a woman, about the book I’m reading. Always somebody different. To drive the point home even more, I am always listening to some headphones while I’m reading. Yes I’m able to multi-task like that. I’m amphibious. (huh??) Yet it never fails. Somebody will not only interrupt my listening pleasure, but also my reading pleasure and ask me about what I’m reading. Maybe I just look friendly like that, hell I don’t know. But it never fails. Unless of course you have a comic book, of which case nobody will give a shit, except possibly the rather large potentially gay white man taking up two seats on the Green Line between West Hyattsville and Gallery Place-Chinatown fucking up the persons-to-seat ratio and acting like he isn’t doing anything wrong.
But I digress.
Either way, just try that shit.
9. Men, tell a woman you are a Teedra Moses fan.
You won’t believe this shit, but trust me, you tell a woman you like Teedra Moses, and IF she’s heard of her, she will go crazy and think you are the coolest cat on Earth. For some reason, there’s like a secret club out there for Teedra Moses fans and if you drop that CD on a chick, she will love you. Amazingly, it actually does work!!! And more specifically, tell her that you love the song where she’s talking about “getting that bitch told tonight”. She might let you hit…
And I recognize that once before I told the masses that Teedra Moses CD, Complex Simplicity was no good. I was WRONG!!! In the immortal words of Missy…
Cop that shit!!!
And lastly but not least, if all else fails…
10. Use poetry, more specifically this poem, and you’ll be A-O-K:
“My love for you is like a river
Like a summer breeze that makes my soul shiver
One look from you is more precious than gold…
…let’s go get some barbecue and get busy!!!!”
Guaranteed. Game.
Take this knowledge and use it at your leisure and above all else…
…HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!!
Remember…every day is the 14th!