Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

Panama Posits: The more attractive the woman, the more opportunities she receives to succeed in any given field.

Feel free to file that little tidbit of knowledge under the Duh Theory, as well as Things That Make You Say…Uh, No Shit.

I had a bad dream last night.

*collective awwwwwwwwwww*

It was horrible. I’d tell you about it but I don’t want to rehash those dramatic events that caused me to wake up in a cold sweat and in need a hug. Being as my bad dream really did bring on a kind of sad feeling, I did what any grown ass man would do…I turned on the television to MTV Jams and waited patiently for the current Jam Of The Week: Amerie’s “1 Thing”.

[***Sidenote: I love MTV Jams. Aside from vh1 Soul and ESPN, its about the only station I watch. But gotdamn they can run a video into the ground. They play the damn Jam Of The Week like every 15 minutes. Shit. MTV...can we rap for a second. Bitch you said Jam of the Week, not of the Every Hour. Quit fuckin' killin' the enjoyment of these videos. I would however like to see more of Christina Milian videos. Thank you.***]

Good gracious that girl looks good. And that video. It just warmed my mind right up. Amerie is singing her tail off and those dancers…somebody stop me. Then you got the band playing in the background just crushing those drums. The percussion sections of that song are just bananas. Hands down, the song “1 Thing” is the best song out right now. If you disagree I’d really appreciate it if you’d go outside and wait for the next bus/SUV/18-wheeler and kindly throw yourself in its path when it comes barreling down the street. Do it as a personal favor to me, mmkay??

Did I mention how good she looks??? I did, well one more time (or 4) won’t hurt. Well let me just tell you she looks GOOD in that video. Kind of like she spent the last year and a half actually eating and working on her legs. Really, that’s the thing that I can’t get over about the video. She has some seriously nice legs. Seriously.

Now my point here has nothing to do with her legs, though they really are nice, its about the fact that she actually has another album coming out…despite her attempts at throwing herself into the sea of obscurity. You know what…it wasn’t even her fault that she should have faded into nothing. I blame her people. Yes, those folks around here that help her make her decisions. People, DC’s flyest diva almost became, an ordinary person.

But you know what…she’s pretty as hell. And being pretty means that she’ll get chances in life that the rest of you ugly fuckers won’t get. Evidenced by her resurgence on the music scene and the emergence of an actual personality, but I’ll get to that later. You know, life isn’t fair. It’s not fair that pretty people always get promotions while ugly bastards don’t. It’s not fair that attractive women will almost always receive the most attention from males and spit on the ground that ugly broads walk on. It’s also not fair that attractive women will continue to get chances to record music and sell despite the fact that they made shitty ass debut albums.

And I don’t care what you say, “All I Have” by Amerie was one of the most solidly mediocre albums ever. I always thought it was ironic that the title was “All I Have” considering that I thought it would be the only album she ever had. It kind of sounded like a really bad Mary J. Blige album. I remember listening to it and feeling like…man, I could really use some sandpaper right now! See what I mean…nothing. Aside from the accidental hit summer jam “Why Don’t We Fall In Love” and “Talkin’ To Me”, I can’t remember what shit else sounds like, cuz it sucked, as opposed to that damn “Complex Simplicity” by Teedra Moses. Now THAT’S some good music.

[***Another Sidenote and Shameless Promotion: Have you noticed how much free publicity I'm doing for Teedra Moses. It's all because I falsely called her album shitty. It really is that damn good. See that's how I do. I call you a jackass, then turn around and become your biggest fan. It's a sickness really. Wait, fuck that. Have you picked that joint up yet??? No...go get it bitch. Da hell are you waiting for???? Teedra Moses! Complex Cimplicity! Panama Jackson! 2005!!! Dandelions in the Parking Garage!!! Umm...yeah, go get that joint homie.***]

And to add insult to injury, she had very little personality or energy or anything in her videos. She just looked like, hey I’m here, I’m singing, love me. Which worked at first, I mean she is fine. Thin as all hell, but so was one of my ex’s and I didn’t love her any less, so how could I discriminate? I mean I love all women: thin, tall, short, thick, etc. Women are just great all around. In fact, cheers to all the women of the world!!!!!

Ummm…where was I going with that???

Oh right, her personality. Not only did she sing her songs with no energy, she then ended up on one of the most godawful shows to ever hit television, The Center. I’ll let you guess what station that shit was on!! No, go on guess, I can wait.

*singing softly, “O” by Omarion*

If you guessed BET, give yourself a pat on the back. Never has one person had so LITTLE personality or reason to be on TV. Okay, well maybe Ray J. But this is how bad she was. She’s fine as the fuck, and I couldn’t even watch the shit. A fine, supple (I love that word) young woman was on television and I changed the channel. It wasn’t even worth watching her. This was all circa 2002.

Fast forward to late 2003, and holy shit, Beyonce hits the scene with “Crazy In Love” produced by Rich Harrison, who happens to be Amerie’s producer. There wasn’t a person in America who didn’t love this song, aside from you Beyonce haters out there who really need a gotdamn hug. You know what, damn that…just kill yourself. All I could think to myself was, damn Amerie could have used that song to get back into the limelight somehow. People were loving her first two singles, but she was just un-exciting. In fact, she was downright boring.

But she’s pretty, so I couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen. I mean she was Rich Harrison’s artist, and she was pretty. True she had only a better than average singing voice, but she was pretty. She has a degree from Georgetown so she could probably parlay that into some other career, but she’s pretty, and can sing, and has the hot producer in her corner. So what happens next???

Fast forward to late 2004, and I hear this strange but CRAZY song on the radio. Could it be?? No…it can’t be. Is that AMERIE on this HELLA TIGHT BEAT???? Rich Harrison laced J.Lo with the “Get Right” beat but this “1 Thing” was so sick, so obnoxious, so catchy, so hard, that you couldn’t help but love it. And with Amerie singing her heart out and getting all hyped you just can’t help but feel it. Amerie, with energy and dare I say, personality?? Aw hell, its only the song, I’m sure she’ll suck in the video.

But wait, in the video she’s dancing, and getting crunk, and shaking her tail feathers, and beating on the drums, and letting loose! Is this the same Amerie who bored the hell out of me two years prior???? The same woman who shouldn’t be releasing anymore music?? Why yes…it is?? How did she do it?? Where did all that pizzazz, that uumph come from?? Why am I asking so many damn questions??? Do I even know???

No, I really don’t????? Was that even a question?

Amerie has transformed herself into a person that everybody can love and enjoy. She has energy, she is singing for real, she is ice-grilling the cameras in the video, and showing off her tattoo on the small of her back. She started eating and gained some weight and hit up Gold’s Gym and worked on her legs. She is vibing and smiling and feeling it. She has developed a real personality and I can see it and feel it through the screen. Ladies and gentlemen, what do we have here???

Voila! We have a star.

It’s all because she’s pretty. She got a second chance solely because she’s prettier than a lot of the other women singers out there who can sing better. However, she did something with her second chance! She now has that star quality that will draw you in. That smile, that style, that ability to make you want to see more of her. She was always pretty, but now she is likable and enjoyable, and not to mention has the absolute hot-now R&B producer on her side. She is now destined for the big time, smile, personality, and all.

And I for one, am glad she is here.

Shoot, she has some nice legs!

I have a simple question for everybody.

Do any of you realize that it’s STILL black history month??

Just thought I’d remind everybody because I keep forgetting. After I left public schools where it was mandated that they mention black folks at least thrice daily, well, after the first week, Black History Month becomes somewhat of an afterthought. I mean shit I guess we do kind of get tired about hearing that George Washington Carver invented the cotton gin, and that Eli Whitney invented the retractable dome, or even that Martin Luther King led the Nation of Islam with the help of W.E.B. DuBois and Booker T. Washington. And who can forget about Madame C.J. Walker creating the first post-it note with Crispus Attucks and Bobby Seale.

And if I have to hear one more time about Huey Newton creating his Fig Newton’s I just might scream.

I mean, I already KNOW all that.

[***Sidenote: Wouldn't you have LOVED to have been the person who got rich off of Post-It Notes??? Good gotdamn, if EVER there was an invention that didn't require much work, that was it. Somebody just took and cut some big ass paper into squares added some glue and said voila!!! Then, just to make them fun was like, hey...if we change the colors...people will love them. Next to the circle, this has to be the singlemost simple invention ever.***]

I like music. I’m sure thats a known fact by this point but fuck you. I just can’t live without my radio…or CD player. So today, I’d like to do a tribute of sorts to great black singers. Now this list that I’m going to create is a list of singers that I love and admire. This list will include singers who have passed on, some who flirted with death, didn’t pass on and are hence on borrowed time, and ordinary folks who are still alive. It will not however include the best singer out today…

Omarion. He’s just too young.

I keed, I keed!!

So without further ado, I present:

Panama Jackson’s Voices From Heaven (And Some In Heaven): Les Negroes Who Have Changed the World Thru Song

1) Donny Hathaway

I swear, this is one of the few grown ass men who’s ever brought a tear to my eyes, with the other being my father after an asswhippin’. Donny had one of the most beautiful voices EVER. So clear, so beautiful. So fresh and so clean clean. Truthfully, he hasn’t made a bad song. Though some albums are better than others, the album “Extension of a Man” best exemplifies Donny’s work. In fact, Donny’s voice was so good, he didn’t feel like he deserved it anymore and jumped out of a window of a hotel in New York City in January of 1979 in order to give his voice back to God. Apparently he took R. Kelly to heart when he said, “I Believe I can Fly”. Welp, he disproved the shit out of that theory.

All jokes aside, I’m still a little bitter at him for taking his own life. I just can’t quite forgive him for robbing the world of his gift.

Bottom line, Donny Hathaway had one of the best voices EVER and was simultaneously one of the most underappreciated and underheralded singers of all time. Ask Stevie where he got his style from.

2) Marvin Gaye

What can be said about Marvin Gaye except that a lot you negroes out there are here because of him. His voice was so sultry and silky that he could create an album that should have been entitled “Fuck You Anna” (real title: Here My Dear) and it still came out sounding like a gift from God. Marvin Gaye was dat nigga. That’s the only thing I can say about him.

And an extra special fuck you out to his daddy for pullin’ a bitch move and killing one of the few voices that God himself sent to change the world. Rat bastard. The fact that Marvin may have set up his own suicide is irrelevant here, his pops still had to pull the trigger.

3) Sam Cooke

“I was booooooooooooooooorn by the river…”

From “Cupid” to “Cha Cha Cha” Sam’s voice was just raw and uncut. He made the most kiddy songs sound like something you’d get you some “action” too. However, the song that still brings a slight tear to my eye is “A Change Gonna Come”. Good gracious that is a serious song. The man sang like he knew he was going to die.

Guess what?? He got shot in a hotel in Los Angeles messing with the wrong woman at the wrong time.

Guess he was somewhat of a psychic, huh???

4) David Ruffin (of The Temptations)

Neither drugs, nor hoes, nor crack cocaine, could keep David Ruffin from sharing with the world his gift of harmonious melody. However, those things did keep him from making tour dates and turned him into an asshole. If you’ve seen the move “The Temptations” he also delivered a hell of a lot of great lines. One of which I created an entire project around…peep:

Eddie Kendricks: I thought Otis and Motown were fed up with us?
David Ruffin: C’mon Corn, you know they can’t do it without us…we the voices…

Umm…he died too.

5) Teddy Pendergrass

From “Love TKO” to “Close The Door” to “Wake Up Everybody”, Teddy has one of the most distint voices in music. The harsh grit mixed with the smooth lova man vibe brought many a woman to her knees. Sad too, because that’s how he ended up in a wheelchair. Word to the wise, if you must get head in your whip fellas…watch the road, mmkay???

6) Amel Larrieux

This woman’s voice gives me the chills. No really, if you listen to the song “Freedom” on the Panther soundtrack, she has like two lines and then scats towards the end; whoooooooooooooooowee I just get the heeby jeeby’s listening to her. Her voice is so beautiful and effortless I’m almost convinced she’s really an angel sent here to touch lives. I’ve seen her live too. Right there in the audience, I developed feelings for her and fell in love. If she wasn’t married with all those kids…well, I still wouldn’t be in her league. She is easily one of the most underrated singers ever. My life is better because she lives and sings. I swear.

7) Lauryn Hill

Allow me to commit blasphemy for a second. I don’t think The Mis-education of Lauryn Hill is that great. Is it a good album…yes. But I’m not just goo goo for it. However, I cannot deny how beautiful her voice is. Lauryn pre-2002 was essentially the epitome of woman. Gorgeous, beautiful, lovely voice, smart, sarcastic, etc. Now she’s still got that great voice and I will never deny her place in the pantheon of great artists, but 18 kids and the same Marley later and she just needs help.

Jill Scott

I’d marry her on the spot….that is if she wasn’t already married. She sings with reckless abandon and can be fun, playful, or downright assholish. And I love her more everyday for it. I think her second album was some shit, but hey that’s just me. On Common’s nuclear bomb of an album, Electric Circus, she sings the song “I am Music” and good gotdamn, I was just wishing I could see her sing this song. I could hear the smile on her face. God, I owe you one. Thank you for Jill Scott.

9) Luther Vandross

Ya know what…he doesn’t even need an explanation. Luther can best be summed up using a title of one of his songs…

“So Amazing”.

10) Roberta Flack

She had the perfect complementary voice to Donny Hathaway as evidenced by the song, “Be Real Black For Me” and “The Closer I Get To You”. In my opinion, her career was never the same after Donny tested gravity, but she still has that voice.

11) Jeffrey Osborne

He was the lead singer of LTD, and brought such original classis as “Love Ballad” of which K-Ci and JoJo remade, and “You Should Be Mine” (or as most of us know it the “Woo Woo Woo Song”). You might not realize the name, but you know the music and the songs. Trust me on this one. And if you can’t trust me on this one….go die.

12) Beyonce

Fuck you. I don’t give a shit what you say. The girl can just flat out sing. If you disagree, you are a hater and should light yourself on fire…in the desert.

13) Missy Elliott

Okay, feel me on this one. I know a collective “huh” just came over the crowd. But her singing voice is SICK. Listen to her on LSG’s song “All The Time’s”. She floored me.

And yes I’ve seen Road To Stardom. And yes I hate Missy.

14) Chaka Khan

Good googly moogly. Have you heard her sing “Love Me Still”? Hell, her whole catalog is great. If you don’t agree, you are dead to me.

15) Angie Stone

I’ll admit, I hate her albums. But the woman can sing her ass off. Though apparently that hasn’t helped her little weight problem.

Hell Points: 1,000,002

EDIT/APOLOGY/FUCK YOU TO THE DAMN DIVA (145pm):

16) Whitney Houston

I can’t believe I forgot her. I apologize. If ever there was proof of what crack has done to the black community, Whitney is it. Once one of the best voices PERIOD, she has fallen to the side but we will always remember her for her remake of Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.” Whitney was once the woman all women wanted to sing like, now she’s the walking punchline and lead in the new afterschool special, “Crack Is Wack”.

*******

This list is by no means exhaustive and I’m sure many cases could be made. So make them muhfucka…

There are valuable lessons in life that one must learn the hard way. None more important than learning to save your work because if you don’t Blogger will eat your entry and force you to sit in a corner for a few minutes and curse the very existence of Starbucks.

I haven’t mentioned Starbucks in a minute so what the hell, ya know?

So I’ve been blogging for about 8 months now. Yay me. Well, one thing that I’ve noticed most real bloggers have done that I haven’t done is the famed “100 Things About Me” list. So I decided, what the hell, its Black History Month, I’m black, and tomorrow this will be history. Shall we bounce, rock, skate, and then roll??? Yes, let’s.

[***Sidenote: If somebody were to take that little list (bounce, rock, skate, roll) and rearrange the order, would the Earth end?? That little combo has been in existence for well over 20 years now and its maintained its order. What if I wanted to, say, skate, then rock, then maybe...bounce, and then roll??? Would I be violating some kind of cosmic rule?? Yes, this was completely irrelevant. No, this had no point. Yes, I know you're scratching your head. No, I don't give a shit. Thanks for playing!***]

Without further ado, I present…

100 Things About Me: The Panama Jackson Edition

1. My name ain’t Panama.
2. It ain’t Bocephus either.
3. I’m sexxier than you.
4. I’ve got the pictures to prove it.
5. Speaking of pictures, there are maybe 3 baby pictures of me in existence.
6. One of my mother’s ex-boyfriends burned all my baby pictures when he was pissed at my mom.
7. He fucked up my history.
8. I just assume I was a sexxy baby.
9. I can’t spell sexxy with just one “x”.
10. I’m unable to do it at this point in my life.
11. I’m a Gemini.
12. My pornstar name is Gemini Peters.
13. I’ve never been in a porn and have no desire too.
14. I have maybe 30 nicknames.
15. Mr. Pimpnificent.
16. Zachariah Stroller (Hezekiah Walker’s cousin).
17. Da Emperor Shawty Crunktiteness.
18. Da Empereezy fa short.
19. Branson Calhoun.
20. To name a few.
21. NWA is my favorite rap group of all time.
22. De La Soul Is Dead is potentially my favorite rap album of all time.
23. I like Omarion’s song “O”.
24. Fuck you, I like the whole album.
25. Yes, this means I own it.
26. Kiss my ass.
27. I’m a happy person.
28. I’ve only been angry once in my life.
29. I almost killed somebody that day.
30. My father, sister, and best friend had to physically restrain me for 30 minutes while the recipient of my rage was removed from the premises.
31. That was the scariest day of my life.
32. Until…
33. While in college, certain circumstances (saved in my eyes only by divine intervention) could have garnered me federal jail time.
34. That then became the scariest day of my life.
35. My best friends don’t know about that.
36. I’ve seen someone get murdered.
37. My last words to said person were “I love you cuz.”
38. Thirty seconds later, he was gone.
39. That was the worst day in my life and simultaneously the most vivid.
40. Martin Luther King Blvd., SW, Atlanta, GA.
41. That day changed my outlook on life.
42. I have very few problems anymore because I could have died that day.
43. I enjoy my life.
44. I crunch numbers for a living.
45. Dat very boring.
46. I’ve met a lot of great folks online.
47. One of the people who knows me best is somebody I met online.
48. She’s the greatest.
49. I’ve been in love once.
50. I’ve told 4 women I loved them.
51. Three of of them were girlfriends. One wasn’t.
52. I hated myself for a week after telling her that.
53. I believe in love though.
54. I look forward to getting married.
55. Just not tomorrow.
56. I’m just not ready yet.
57. I’ve lived an entire winter with no heat, and a whole summer with no AC, in Atlanta.
58. I lived two doors down from a local crackhouse, in Atlanta.
59. In that same neighborhood, the same man was shot on two different occasions, in Atlanta.
60. My friends affectionately referred to my neighborhood, in Atlanta, as Kosovo and/or Beirut.
61. I love my neighborhood in Atlanta.
62. A man on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted list was found in my apartment complex, in Atlanta.
63. Peyton Place, MLK Blvd, SW, Atlanta, GA.
64. I’ve got 3 sisters.
65. I’m number 3.
66. I was raised by my father and my stepmother.
67. Me and my real mother have a great relationship.
68. I speak French.
69. Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
70. I also speak Ebonics.
71. It’s a talent.
72. In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Succeed and Most Likely to Be a Millionaire by 30.
73. I’m gonna do them folks proud and be a millionaire by the end of 2006.
74. I went to high school in Alabama.
75. Alabama isn’t as bad as folks make it out to be.
76. Now Mississippi on the other hand…
77. I want to make a difference.
78. I don’t know exactly what that means.
80. I never wrote anything except poetry before I started blogging.
81. I’ve done theatre.
82. I plan on doing big things.
83. I hate doing things alone.
84. I’m bringing my friends along for the ride to fortune.
85. I’ll give you the shirt off my back, unless I like it.
86. Then I’ll get you another shirt.
87. I think Amel Larrieux is a beautiful person.
88. I like beautiful people, not ordinary people.
89. They don’t even know which way to go. (*wink*)
90. I hope my life makes somebody else’s life better.
91. I’m still sexxy.
92. I didn’t chose this life, it was given to me.
93. I lived in Frankfurt, Germany for 8 years.
94. Best 8 years of my life. Until college…
95. I trust everybody.
96. If you screw me, I have no use for you in my life.
97. I will succeed whether you want me to or not.
98. I will change the game, or at least make BET watchable.
99. I will be somebody…
100. Cuz I will not lose.

and…

101. When it’s all said and done, I hope that folks will say that I made them smile, because in the end, that’s what life is really all about. Happiness.

“…when arrows don’t penetrate/Cupid grabs the pistol…” Happy Valentine’s Day, Andre 3000, The Love Below(2003)

Ironically…that’s how some of you feel isn’t it?????

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Now I know for some, this isn’t the happiest day of the year. I know I know, some of us don’t have any dates. Hell, I myself don’t even have a Valentine…well, kinda sorta don’t. Sad, but true. For me its more personal. When I realized that women took Valentine’s day rather, how shall we say, SERIOUSLY, I decided that you don’t just spend Valentine’ s day with some chick that you know who tells you that she’s always had a crush on you or that she’s going to make sure its the most magical night of your life. I’m not saying it wasn’t a good night, I’m just saying maybe it meant more to her than it did to me, my boys, and that video camera we had stashed between those two pillows. That’s all I’m saying.

I keed, I keed!!!

Either way, not everybody wants a date because they are in love. Some people just want a date because hell, it’s Valentine’s Day and other people are out with dates. Jealous bastards! And to that I say…getchu one!!! If you want a date, go out and get you one…even last minute.

Now Panama, how do I get me a date last minute???

Shut up the fuck up and I’ll tell you. It’s really quite simple actually. And oddly enough, it matters not if you are a man or woman. Hell, I saw a penguin use these tactics I’m going to share with you…and do you know he pulled a Giraffe??? A giraffe!!!! If penguins can pull giraffes, then anybody can pull themselves a date last minute.

Okay, I really didn’t see a penguin pull a giraffe. I’m not completely delusional. He did however…pull a seal.

So, since I’m such a nice guy I figured that I should share my knowledge with everybody. One could say I’m sharing the love, ya know with it being Valentine’s Day and all. Without a date I have nobody to share the love with so I’m just gushing with pent up love!! Yeah I said, gushing!! I’m a gusher. Hmm…that sounds a little, umm, how you say, perverted. But fuck you, I got love on my heart.

Guaranteed to work at any bar, brothel, NAACP meeting, Target, Best Buy, sidewalk, classroom, cafeteria, or flea market…

Panama Jackson Presents How To Pull A Last Minute Valentine’s Date: 10 Steps to Take To Make Sure You Aren’t One of the Lonely Bastards Eating Ice Cream Complaining About Not Having a Date (all assuming you don’t give a shit if you ever see or speak to them again)

1. Don’t be yourself!

Face it, being yourself is why you don’t have a date in the first place. Duh!! The best way to snag a date last minute is to basically recreate yourself into something you aren’t. Let’s say for instance you are a garbageman. Well, clearly that doesn’t sound so sexxy to the woman sitting at the bar. Most folks would tell you to say that you are a sanitation engineer. I’ll do you one better!! Tell her you’re a lawyer. You might not ever see her again anyway, so who gives a shit. In fact, tell her that you work closely with Charles Ogletree on this whole reparations movement but you can’t talk much about the case due to the legality of it all. Not only do you sound like a powerful person, but you sound like you care about the people.

For women, just tell random man that you were born to be a housewife and cater to your man. Hell, tell him that you have the song “Cater 2 U” by Destiny’s Child on repeat in your CD player and that it has been adopted as your theme song. You know, pretend you aren’t the ultra independent, ridiculously successful woman that you are. Essentially, pretend that you don’t make more money than him when clearly you do. Face it, if he did make more money than you (and was somewhat attractive), he’d have a date, or at least a white wife!

***Most of the methods are some extension of the first one.***

2. Pretend to be deeper than you really are!

This one should be really easy. Just walk up to said random individual and strike up a conversation with them about something you know very little about but are able to bullshit about well. Like, jazz, or life in general. For the fellas, start a conversation about how you’d like to make a difference in the world and how you’re life really isn’t about you, its about other people…hell, tell her that we’re just ordinary people and that we don’t know which way to go!!! In fact, use as many song lines and titles in the conversation as possible. She probably won’t even realize it until tomorrow morning anyway.

Ladies, just strike up a conversation about why you think that a) Nas is the best rapper and that Jay-Z can’t hold his own, or b) the Philadelphia Eagles nutted up and cost you $100 bucks because Donovan McNabb played like some pure d shit in the Super Bowl reminding you that you were gonna owe somebody $100 bucks because you thought that they could win. Yes, use $100. Either of these conversations will result in him doing all of the talking and you just having to throw out vague statements even if you couldn’t give a shit about what he’s talking about.

Instant. Date.

[***Sidenote: This all assumes that the man/woman you are trying to lure into your web has no date either. Basically they wil be running the exact same game that you are running. This means that the lies will be flying left and right. I say, try to be the one with the absolute best lie by the end of the night. Remember, you don't give a shit if you ever see them again. It's all a game anyway. Hell, don't even use you're real name. For the fellas, tell them that your name is Richard, but my friends call me Dick, U. Down, and ladies tell him that your name is Angelina Jiggles. Really, would anybody be against this???***]

3. Do the exact opposite of what you’d normally do!

Just like with number 1, essentially go out of your way to be the complete opposite person from who you normally are. Remember, you don’t have a date so it can’t really hurt now can it?? Can it?????????????

If you’re normally quiet, hell be the center of attention somewhere and draw the men into your web of deception. If you’re normally loud, be quiet and see if the women come to you. In fact…

4. If you’re a man, be the brother who looks pitiful because his wife/girlfriend/dog just left him!

Be pitiful. Go to the bar and put on a show. Make sure that the women notice you, but act like you don’t notice them noticing you. Make it seem like you’re world is coming to a complete and total end. Talk to yourself. Have angry conversations with yourself that start with, “I should have KNOWN….” Say how stupid you are at least three times and make sure that the women hear you. You have to really sell this shit though. You can’t just act pathetic, you have to BE pathetic.

In fact, pretend that your best friend just slept with your mother…THAT should fuck you up REAL good!

5. If you’re a woman, just flash a dude at the bar, meeting, church service, what have you. I guarantee you’ll get some attention and a date.

This really needs no explanation. Just remember that you’ll now have a plethora of dates to chose from.

Choose wisely, mmkay???

6. Ask that loser at your job that you KNOW won’t have a date if he or she wants to get some coffee or something. ANYWHERE BUT STARBUCKS!!!

I mean, hell you don’t have a date muhfucka. Let your pride go and make a new friend. For men this might cause more problems in the future than you want because for some reason, she might all of a sudden think that you actually are interested in her when really you were just bored and wanted to go out like regular folks do on Valentine’s Day. She might start emailing you everyday and stopping by your office just to say, “what’s up?” If this happens…well…quit. She’s not going anywhere. She’s good at her job because nobody speaks to her so she isn’t going to get fired for anything. You are going to have to quit.

Women, if you ask that loser dude, he’ll DEFINITELY become a problem. I’d suggest that you just accuse him of sexual harassment if he starts getting to friendly and get his ass fired. Chances are he’s a loser that nobody else likes anyway so they’ll let him go without much hoopla.

You just have to love Valentine’s Day don’t you???

(I just have to do this. I just saw her on the Grammy Award’s and decided that I have to get famous so that I can meet this woman!!!!)

7. For the ladies, tell some dude that you been practicing how to Dip It Low, and you’d like somebody to be a judge to see if you’ve got it right.

Look, I don’t give a shit what you say, Christina Milian was merely trying to assist the masses of women out there who really have NO clue how to dip it low, then pick it up slow, move it all around, then poke it out like their back’s broke. Then you got to pop, pop, pop that thang. Got damn how hard is it to do that shit. But noooooooooooooo. I see SO many damn women out there who have no FUCKIN’ clue what they are doing. I should have known when that damn Butterfly dance came out and chicks were having difficulty with that. They were going to have to grow up someday weren’t they?? Weren’t they???? Now they got some NEW shit that they can’t do.

Jeez. O. Flip.

Ahem…

Basically, just get the man to believe that you need help trying to make sure you are getting that right. Hell, I’ll come help you figure it out your dilemma!!!!

8. Men…bring a BOOK with you somewhere.

You know, its really a shame I’m able to say this (it’s actually an entire other post in and of itself, and oh yeah, its coming) but, just read like 3 or 4 pages of said book. Go to a bar or something or somewhere that people look like they might read. Guaranteed, if you look friendly enough, some woman will ask you about the book you’re reading. If you are able to say something about it, you are GUARANTEED some convo, and probably enough to seal the deal.

True story. I always bring books with me on the way to work on the train. I like to read and its good reading time. At least once a day, I get asked by somebody, and usually a woman, about the book I’m reading. Always somebody different. To drive the point home even more, I am always listening to some headphones while I’m reading. Yes I’m able to multi-task like that. I’m amphibious. (huh??) Yet it never fails. Somebody will not only interrupt my listening pleasure, but also my reading pleasure and ask me about what I’m reading. Maybe I just look friendly like that, hell I don’t know. But it never fails. Unless of course you have a comic book, of which case nobody will give a shit, except possibly the rather large potentially gay white man taking up two seats on the Green Line between West Hyattsville and Gallery Place-Chinatown fucking up the persons-to-seat ratio and acting like he isn’t doing anything wrong.

But I digress.

Either way, just try that shit.

9. Men, tell a woman you are a Teedra Moses fan.

You won’t believe this shit, but trust me, you tell a woman you like Teedra Moses, and IF she’s heard of her, she will go crazy and think you are the coolest cat on Earth. For some reason, there’s like a secret club out there for Teedra Moses fans and if you drop that CD on a chick, she will love you. Amazingly, it actually does work!!! And more specifically, tell her that you love the song where she’s talking about “getting that bitch told tonight”. She might let you hit…

And I recognize that once before I told the masses that Teedra Moses CD, Complex Simplicity was no good. I was WRONG!!! In the immortal words of Missy…

Cop that shit!!!

And lastly but not least, if all else fails…

10. Use poetry, more specifically this poem, and you’ll be A-O-K:

“My love for you is like a river
Like a summer breeze that makes my soul shiver
One look from you is more precious than gold…

…let’s go get some barbecue and get busy!!!!”

Guaranteed. Game.

Take this knowledge and use it at your leisure and above all else…

…HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!!

Remember…every day is the 14th!

I’ve done something recently that might call my credibility into question. Something so heinous, so reprehensible, and so ridiculously foul that I myself had trouble looking myself in the mirror this morning. I almost don’t know how to proceed from here but somehow I must. Sad, so so sad. My people, my people…

…I watched BET. And worse than that, I watched College Hill. Trust me, you cannot hate me anymore than I already hate myself.

Good Got DAMN!!! Never before has one show gone SO FAR to reinforce every possible stereotype that black folks are attempting to debunk everyday. Look, I’m not violent but I have violent thoughts when I watch this show. But then something strange happens. The violent yearnings start to wear off as I put the baseball bat down. I sit down and then something really eery happens. I start to feel like…

…a white person. (White people. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to get into the club, and its a really temporary thing. Lasts maybe…22 minutes!)

I start to feel like those white people I see on the subway watching the black kids on the subway. Or the white people watching TV and thinking that all black folks are a bunch of damn fools. Or the white people I see who become very sketchy whenever they become outnumbered by a group of black youths…anywhere. I start saying shit like, “holy shit, they REALLY do those things????” I find myself uttering under my breath countless times, “Niggas!”

And quite honestly, I don’t feel bad about it at all. Now, I don’t recommend watching this shit…at all. However, if you happen to come across it, take 10 minutes out of your life and experience what I’ve experienced. I know some of my peoples out there knowhutimtalkinbout!!!! Feel me????? Hi-five!?!?!?!?!!

*crickets and blank stares, crickets…and blank stares*

I see people either don’t know, don’t watch the show, or just don’t care about what goes on at College Hill. I guess I need to explain this.

College Hill is where they pick a black college campus (and fortunately not one with an actual credible reputation) and try to recreate the magic that occurs on MTV’s The Real World. Because people actually WATCH the Real World, we all know that they pick seven strangers to live in a house. Not on BET muhfuckas. On BET they pick eight stereotypes to live in the house and cast them. You have the Freak, the Baby Momma, the Pretty Boy, the Stuck Up Chick, the Athlete, the Player, etc. The worst shit is that I’m not making this up. On the previews for the show in early January, that is how they were advertising the show, based upon the stereotypes. Sad sad times are upon us.

But we can get past that right?? Stereotypes are just words!! Potentially, so let’s discuss what actually goes on during the course of one of these 30 minute exercises in affirmative action. And it matters not that its at an HBCU. Remember, I’m white right now! On last night’s episode, there was literally a 10 minute storyline segment based upon an argument between two of the housemates. No biggie right, arguments occur all the time. Hell, I got into an argument with a squirrel yesterday because the little bastard wouldn’t get off the sidewalk. True story?? Maybe, maybe not.

Anyway, what was this argument about??? Well apparently the two of them used to date and they were arguing about whether or not he tossed her salad. An entire 10 minutes was devoted to this. But wait…there’s more. (The fact that I think dude really did do it is a moot point, but his face told on him.) She was visibly hurt and moved to tears at his denial. TEARS!!!! His denial truly hurt her because apparently she only let’s men who love her toss her salad??? I hate to be a classist here…but can somebody forward me their report cards. STAT!! I need to see what’s really good here because if things like that are whats really important to her, well, I don’t think she’s gonna make it.

And Langston University, I’m also gonna need to see that accreditation report.

STAT!

On one episode, the group wanted to go to a club. One of the young ladies, The Holy Roller, didn’t want to go. In her past she was quite the heathen but she is currently on her walk with God. She doesn’t want to go to the club. I’ll let you guess what happens next!!!

Go ahead…take a stab at it!!!

*humming “Welcome To The Jungle” (remember I’m still white right now, thanks)*

They openly share their disdain with her and her walk with God and how its hampering their party time. Yes, only on College Hill does your relationship with God hinder the people!!! Only one…count’em, one, uno, einz, an, person actually stand up for her and say if she doesn’t want to go, then she doesn’t have to go. Everybody else was like, we’re a group and her religion is holding our group back. My people, my people…sad sad times. One guy even tells her to keep her religion away from him. Now look, I’m not a holy roller. I’m not the most religious cat in the world, like everybody else who doesn’t go to church, I’m “spiritual”. But I’ll be DAMNED (probably literally) before I make somebody feel bad for their relationship with God, or for their religion period. I might be going to Hell, but I REEFUSE to go to more than one Hell!!!

There’s even the one little funny black guy who’s dating a white chick. Now he might be like 5’1″…maybe. Yet he has the nerve to be the most arrogant asshole on the show. Now I have a strict code about this. Short people MUST BE NICE. I will not argue this point. He is not nice, so its hard for the people to like him!!! Coincidence??? I think not. THEN, he has the nerve to walk around naked. His girlfriend has beef with this. Does he care?? No. I’m sure he plans on cheating on his girlfriend, because when they did actually make it to the club, sans the Holy Roller, he was trying to pick up other chicks to bring them back to the house.

Scrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Stereotype Check (through the eyes of a white person): Liars, cheaters, over-sexxed, heathens, smart black guy dates a white woman, amoral, just plain ignorant, loud…I could really go on.

And for the record, Babyface and his wife, Tracey Edmonds, executive produce this show. That needed to be shared at somepoint. Mmkay?

Those are but a mere smattering of the goings on at College Hill. It isn’t lost on me that this show is sponsored by what can only be deemed the most ignant network on TV, BET. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that the film quality is WAY better than it was last season (and yes this means I watched last season…me and God have talked about this already thank you very much). It doesn’t look like your little cousin Bocephus filmed this with his karaoke machine. (Makes NO sense does it?)

However, it is still bad. Bad bad bad. A million times over bad. Honestly, if I meet a white person that ever says something so ridiculously ignorant that I have to say something, the first thing I’m going to do is say, “Have you seen College Hill?” If he or she says yes, I have to excuse their statement. I just have to. We are putting the ignorance out ourselves on our own stations. We gave it the validity by creating an actual program based on pure ignorance. They are in college, but its damn near glossed over altogether. The got one clip that showed one of the students in class, only to prove that he was smart. Ironically, its the dude with the white girlfriend.

There is not one redeeming quality about this show. It’s like a car wreck that you have to watch if you come across it, except this car wreck is a 100 car pileup…and all the cars were driven by children under the age of 2. And the most fucked up part of it is that it is filmed at a college. One of the places where we are supposed to be grown up, or at least growing up, and becoming the leaders that our parents expect us to be. Except…I’m just not sure it’s going to happen. If these are the odds that are stacked up against us…

…well, may God have mercy on our souls…well yours…

…remember, I’m still white right now!

Thank you BET for providing another sad moment in Black History!

***As a bonus here, check over at Dr. Strangejazz’s spot for an interesting segment he’s doing about America’s Most Dangerous Black People, ya know, in honor of Black History Month.***

EDIT: LINKS TO PICTURES ADDED. WE WANT EAZY! WE WANT EAZY! SCROLL DOWN !!!!!!

[LENGTH ALERT!!! LENGTH ALERT!!!]

So apparently…I’m getting old. Now this little known fact might seem like common sense to any young whippersnapper frothy enough (I have no idea if that makes any sense, or even if frothy is a word) to read here. However, to most of my friends, we still act, look, and feel like those same crazy college kids who drank too much and took advantage of everything college had to offer which sometimes even included actual classtime. So how did I come to this conclusion??

Well, this weekend, three things occurred that brought this realization to mind. I went to Atlanta this weekend with a purpose. In fact, I had SO little free time, I forgot to go to sleep on Saturday night/Sunday morning rendering me incapable of even going to a Super Bowl Party. Either way…the three things that occured were: 1) we had a surprise party for my friend’s 26th birthday. EGADS! 26???? That’s REALLY almost 30; 2) we had a housewarming for my boy which means he has made a purchase that won’t depreciate with time unlike the cars, shoes, and hoes…er…video games, we purchase so much; and 3) that same homie that had the housewarming, threw an 80′s party!!!

Yes, an ’80′s party. As in 1980′s. Really, that decade doesn’t seem so far away, but honestly, 1989 was at least 15 years ago at this point.

Scary.

Waitaminute. You know what?? Well…no, you probably don’t. But apparently, there is some kind of mid-twenties affirmative action program. For the first time in my LIFE, I got into a club FREE…because I was 25 or over. Not just any club either, Club Visionz on Peachtree in Atlanta. Now THAT my friends is scary.

You like how that didn’t fit, flow, or even have much real relevance??? I thought you might.

Now though I’m getting old, I must admit, I’m still young enough where finding attire for the party seemed a bit strange to me. What in the hell was 80′s attire??? Well, at the party…I found out. And it’s only right that I share. But I just cannot do this in a normal fashion, somehow, it just wouldn’t feel right. So I figure that the best way to do this is tell you not how to HAVE a successful 80′s party, but what to look for to know that you HAD a successful 80′s party. Mmkay???

First things first, I’d like to give two special shoutouts. First to the homies, yes those same friends who ALWAYS get shouted out whenever I take trips. This trip was no different. Everybody was there to participate in more drunk fun and debauchery. Drunk fun is always best when you got people around who won’t let you get beat down in the club for being a complete ass, they’ll offer to beat you down themself (I know it ain’t grammatically correct and might not even exist as a word, but I like it)…or who will actually LOOK for one of the drunk asses who is celebrating her birthday and taking free drinks from everybody knowing full gotdamn well she can’t drink 3 Long Island’s THEN some other drinks. Friends, take two of those drinks from you and drink them for you…so you won’t hurl. Yes…true friends get drunk with you so you won’t be the only drunk ass!!! In the illustrious words of Patti LaBelle, “that’s what friends are fooooooooooooooor!”

And this second shoutout goes to that cashier in the Value Village on Metropolitan Parkway next to Run ‘n Shoot and the Flea Market who condescendingly gave me the Versace Store treatment, at Value Village. At Value Village, the customers are supposed to remove the hangers THEMSELVES…the cashiers don’t do such things…at Value Village. To my cashier, for you wonderful service and attitude…I simply MUST clear my throat for this one…

*clearing throat*

…Fuck you.

So without further ado…we here at JGT Enterprises are here to help you determine if you’re 80′s party is a success, which assumes you’d actually think to THROW an 80′s party. It is my thought that most folks don’t. Shoutouts to The Great for his foresight in realizing that 70′s parties are for old heads AKA people 30 and over.

*ducking tomatoes thrown by old fogeys*

COURTESY OF THE GREAT, PANAMA JACKSON PRESENTS…I Love The ’80′s ATL STYLE

1. Damn near everybody dresses up!

You’d think this would be common sense but we’re dealing with black folks here. And you know black folks are leery about looking like an asshole. And let’s face it, the 80′s were some jacked up times for fashion. Well, to counter this problem…my boy invited, yep, you guessed it…WHITE PEOPLE!!!! Yes, white people will dress up for any occasion it seems, and enjoy the hell out of their costumes and the party that required them to dress up. This made me realize that…

…my friends hang out with a lot of white people, because by my estimation, maybe 4 people didn’t dress up in some or fashion. We’re talking like a 99% success rate!!!! If you don’t match that…

…go kill yourself!

2. Stereotypically, the black men will come as rappers. (Or Fame Dancers!)

Strangely…at least 3 of the black dudes that were there, myself included, came as rappers. Two of the dudes were dressed as most rappers looked in the 80′s. Ya know, tight fighting running jackets, brass knuckles, a clock necklace, shades. Me…I was Eazy E. Hell, he’s one of my idols. I had on the all black ensemble with some black pants and a tight black t-shirt, two gold ropes, a Member’s Only jacket, some Air Force One’s actually tied correctly, some ‘locs (sunglasses, graduate), a jheri curl and a skull cap.

What can I say…We Want Eazy!!!

Eazy Duz It!

We Want Eazy!!

I’ve been toying around with putting a picture of myself up dressed up as Eazy E from like ’85 on here. We’ll see if it makes it. Of course, dressing up as Eazy E leaves itself open to ALL kinds of bad jokes…most of them from myself.

You see, I’m a slim fella. So when I removed my Member’s Only jacket revealing my damn near ultra tight black shirt and fat gold ropes, well, I transformed myself into Eazy E…with AIDS. Luckily I had my spray on AZT to keep my jheri curl moist.

Westside

*hanging head in sheer (get it…SHEER??? ya know, hair…sheer, oh wait..is that sheen??? Dammit.) disgust with myself*

HELL: 1,000,000 Panama: 0

And shout outs to my boy P for coming as a Fame Dancer, ripped shirt, tights, headband and all…and becoming a fame dancer and tearing up the dance floor.

I wasn’t prepared.

3. Stereotypically, the white women will all come dressed as variations of Madonna thru the 80′s.

Well…duh.

4. Relics of the 80′s will be found floating around the room.

Apparently, the host, my boy who amongst my immediate group is referred to as The Great for reasons that anybody born before1987 need not know, went to great lengths to make his party as 80′s as possible. There were Fruit Rollups everywhere, powdered candy, I swear I saw a My Little Pony (though I was kind of inebriated…well, a lot of inebriated), cassette tapes, and colored lighting. Hell, somebody even brought a Polaroid camera. One person even created one of those big ass cellphones that Zach Morris used to carry around. If I’m not mistaken, he was Zach Morris, and brought Kelly Kapowski with him…good times!!

5. Stereotypically, the black women will look like some variation of Madonna, Sheila E., Appollonia, and Salt ‘n Pepa.

Good googly moogly. The women were dressed so fly it didn’t even make any sense. Talk about representing!!! There were fishnet tights, ultra small skirts…hell fishnet tights UNDER ultrasmall skirts. There were gloves, there were slouch socks, there were boots, there were ripped jeans, there were every possible color that you forgot you existed, there was strange makeup, there was ripped shirts…basically there were tight ass clothes that made me a very happy camper.

And speaking of gloves…

6. Love and diversity is present!!

There were black chicks dressed as Madonna, a Mexican dude dressed up as a white dude from The Breakfast Club (who’s name escapes me) and a black dude dressed up as…

…Michael Jackson.

7. Your music playlist is authentic and doesn’t discriminate!!

I saw the playlist. Everything from Dexey’s Midnight Runners to Salt ‘n Pepa, to MC Hammer, to well, I was to drunk to remember most of the names. But I do know that when I saw the list, I realized that there were no stones unturned in creating a music list. Though I do have to say that…that NWA nor Eazy E made the list…and we all know that…

We Want Eazy!!!

Which reminds me…there was a lot of call and response type records which were huge during the 80′s which also created Soul Train lines…YES, we had a Soul Train line. And yes…somebody did the Robot.

8. Stereotypically, a white dude will come as Don Johnson.

The funny part of that is, a black dude did too, but had to become Philip Michael Thomas by default cuz we all know that Crockett was…white. And a white dude dressed as Crockett trumps a black dude!! So sad Tubbs…so sad.

As a bonus, one dude even came dressed as Marty McFly, which was cool because the host had Back To The Future playing on the front room TV!!

9. Nintendo!

Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt were the leading contenders for video games of the night. Ironically, me, dressed as Eazy seemed to be a natural shot. I mean I was kind of killer accurate with that gun. I even layed on the ground upside down once and was hitting them ducks with one shot every time. This AFTER drinking a bunch of drinks that I wasn’t familiar with.

Scary…

10. For the perv in you…TWISTER!!!

Well, knowing my friends, it just wouldn’t be right if everything was completely PG. Let’s just say that Twister is a fun game…ESPECIALLY after having had too much to drink. We sucked at it. Though I’m not even sure anybody was actually trying to win. We just wanted to touch each other.

I keed!!! I keed!!!

And 80′s clothes is very fun to play twister in. Ironic isn’t it that Eazy E was playing Twister with 4 different women???

What did he die of again??? I keep forgetting…

We Want Eazy!!!!

11. The host looks like Gumby, Prince, and Boy George all mixed into one!!

Ummm…

And last but not least…

12. Somebody, during the course of the night yells out, I LOVE the 80′s!!!

And why is this a great moment in black history???

Because my boy threw the party (he’s black) and Michael Jackson, Eazy-E, and a Fame Dancer showed up!!! I don’t care what you say…that’s a GREAT moment in Black History!

Good Times!! No wait, that was the ’70′s…

As we all know, February is Black History Month. Welcome! For the record, I’m not one of those people who complains that somehow black history coincides with the shortest month of the year. Frankly, I don’t give a damn. It’s not like we (and by we, I mean those black folks who complain that Black History Month is the shortest month of the year all the damn time) really commemorate black achievements all day everyday anyway. Besides, it used to be Black History WEEK, so I look at it like this…

…we got 21 more days to complain that America doesn’t do enough to celebrate black achievements and accomplishments!

Anyway, being as its black people month, and being as that I’m, well, black, I see it only fitting that I dedicate February to black topics, such as today’s topic, my tributes to black women, and a new idea I have called: The True Stories Behind Great Moments in Black History. Oh yeah muhfucka…its gonna be on and poppin’. As well it should be, cuz black folks often get it on and poppin’ with things such as Cristal, thongs, pills, and basketball. One could say we are a poppalicious people, though I prefer the bootylicious nature of black women. And I don’t care how much you hate Beyonce, “Bootylicious” (written and produced/co-produced/conceived by Beyonce) was a great moment in black history. Honestly…with lyrics like, “I don’t think you’re ready/for this jelly”, how could it not progress black society. Kid’s everywhere where running around embarassing the shit out of us folks that can read talking about being bootylicious. Hell, even WHITE girls got into the act, further making me want to kill myself.

Okay, I swear that there was a point in there somewhere. I swear!!

Back to the point…oh yes, black america’s secret shame. You know, there are different kinds of black folks out there. I know, shocker. A lot of people try to paint black people with this one brush and say that we are all one and the burdens of my brother are my burdens. And I used to believe that until a strange thing happened one day. Can you guess what it is??? Go ahead, take a gander.

*singing “I’m to sexxy for my shirt/so sexxy it hurts”*

Done guessing?? Good. What happened to me was that I learned how to read.

*gasp*

This might sound fucked up, but fret not, it gets worse. When I learned how to read its like a whole world opened up to me. Butterfly’s in the sky, hell, I could fly twice as high!!! And the older I’ve gotten and the more I’v read the more things have changed. Over time, I wasn’t afraid of information anymore causing me to actually seek it out and do things that apparently other black men don’t do like: go to college. Hell, I’ll do you one better…I graduated too!!!

[***DISCLAIMER: It's a damn shame I have to do this but I see some of y'all sensitive ass motherfuckers out there who are going to think I'm being elitist or talking shit about folks who didn't go to college or didn't finish. Personally, I don't give a shit. No really, I don't. Your life is yours. I'm not judging you. You know why, cuz I probably don't know you or shit about you. Ego man, I swear, everybody thinks folks are talking about them...good God. And for good measure, if you take ANYTHING I say personal, well, kiss my ass.***]

So it was in this new world with new knowledge I obtained from reading that I started to notice the differences between black people. And just to be purposefully offensive, I’ll state some of the differences I noticed. Some black folks worked, some didn’t. Some lived in suburbs, some lived in projects. Some tried to assimilate into white society, some acted like assholes in public…almost seeming to be on purpose. Some were reserved, some are just loud. These are just a few of the differences but its that last one that stands out to me. And it is that last one (reserved vs. loud/obnoxious) that brought to my attention and epiphanized a strange phenomenon in the black community to me. It would seem that Black America’s Secret Shame is…

…hold on…

…it’s coming…

…wait for it…

…black people.

Yes. black people. Black American’s are secretly ashamed of other black people. I know, its one of the most fucked up things you’ve ever heard. But fuck you its true. Black people that can read and write, and have gardens to tend, and garages with cars actually in them, and have the OPTION to live amongst white people are ashamed of other black people.

[***ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: These are fun, I swear. What black people am I talking about that are ashamed of other black people??? YOU BITCH. Yes you. The black person that is reading this right now instead of in the projects affectionately known as Black Planet. The black person who reads and writes. Fuck that, the black person who ENJOYS reading. Yes, you. Does it sound elitist? Yes it does...but here's the test. If you have at any point in your existence, been somewhere, and an unruly group of black youth have come into your presence and you cringed and/or uttered the word "niggas" under your breath...then this means you!!!!***]

Believe you me, its true. It’s a sad reality yet one that exists. Take for instance young black folks on subway systems across America. Now those youth don’t care about being loud and obnoxious. Hell, it’s what kids do. However, you do. You think to yourself, why the hell won’t they shut up. Then you do strange things like scan the audience the kids have attracted. You scan the white faces for disapproval, then you scan the black faces for disgust. If you live in a major city, then there are probably a lot of hispanic faces too…and I’m just not enough of an asshole to say what I was going to say.

Equal Opportunity Racist, at your service.

Anyway, for some reason, both the black people and white people are upset at the ungodly display of the youths. White folks will just have their notions reinforced, and black folks will be afraid that the white folks are having their notions reinforced. And somewhere shame comes into the picture. Black folks start to think, dammit, why won’t they just act right, they are making us all look bad. Fuckin’ roaches!!! You have witnessed…honest to goodness…

…shame.

Shame for fear that those black folks who aren’t like you are setting us normal black folks back years and years. That same shame that occurs when you take a ghetto member of your family out with you who acts a damn fool on purpose and shows why they are the ghetto member of your family. Because you know what, they are ashamed of you too.

Sometimes they are also trying to prove a point that you aren’t any better than they are. But sometimes they are just ashamed because they feel like you sold out when they were there when you all used to sleep 3 to a bed. They are ashamed, and thus shaming your bougie ass into realizing that you aren’t any better than they are. Hmm, ironic isn’t it. The better off we are, the more reminders we get from folks who aren’t so well off, that we ain’t shit and didn’t come from shit.

Differences.

I’m not juding nor looking down on any body. Hell, my neighborhood has seen its fair share of ghetto occurences…and my neighborhood in Atlanta…jeezoflip…let’s just say I lived on MLK Blvd, SW. So honestly, sometimes I don’t give a shit. As far as I’m concerned we all came from nothing. Essentially, I love all my black peoples. EXCEPT those muhfuckas who feel the need to make me look bad so that they don’t look bad by themselves. Crabs in a barrell is a bitch. And it is those black folks who draw my ire time and time again. The ones who are ashamed but secretly jealous of the black folks who are doing well because those black folks are sellouts and have no place in the hood. Those black folks who will rob from the rich folks because they want them to realize that they aren’t above shit. Those black folks who are ashamed of other black folks success because they don’t have it.

But it goes the other way too. Those black folks who are educated and well to do, who are ashamed of their lower income brothers and sisters who may not have had the same opportunities that they’ve had. The ones who turn their noses up at less priveleged blacks with no provocation. The ones who talk about the ghetto, but have never been to the ghetto or lived there. The ones who laugh when some of us drink Kool-Aid. Hell, the ones who don’t realize that “red” is a FUCKIN’ flavor, and judge black folks who know that it indeed is a flavor. Basically black folks who have the time to castigate other black folks because they’ve made it and refuse to accept that making it where you’ve made it wasn’t solely on your own merit…sometimes, folks believed in you enough to not let you fail. And its those folks that refuse to recognize or accept that, who are ashamed at lower income black folks and their lot in life. Those black folks piss me off too.

Fuckin’ Republicans.

And there you have it. Black America’s secret shame is other black people. From rich to poor black folks, we are all ashamed of one another for reasons that are beyond me that will continue to keep us down. Sometimes we show out for white folks up, by showing them how comfortable they should be around us. We have a term for that…bitching up. And sometimes we show out for white folks to show them that we don’t give a shit about them, except what we’re doing is furthering their own beliefs that black folks have no damn sense anyway and are all thugs. We have a term for this too…being a dickhead. And they all lead to the same end…shame from some other member of the the black race.

And this is why we won’t make it as a people…and you know what…

…it’s a damn shame.