[***DISCLAIMER: This post contains some explicit material that may or may not have actually happened. Hell, sometimes you just got to go extreme. For all those who need clarification, we're talking R to NC-17 rating.***]

[***EDIT (1/4/2005): For a sort of Part 2 AKA Another Take on this NYC trip, one of the homies, Shan, who was on the trip gives her rendition, a more DETAILED rendition mind you of some of the scenarios that I promise you are PURELY HYPOTHETICAL!!!!***]

Start spreading the news….

Goodness Gracious and a Happy New Year motha-truckas!!! It’s 2005 bitches. A time for new beginnings. The time to act as if 2004 didn’t even happen and that you can do anything you want without regard to all of your failures and screwups of the prior year. It’s essentially the time to reinvent yourself like the nerd who goes to college and tells people he was the “man” back home. It’s the time where everybody goes out and gets drunk as all hell and wakes up on the first day of the New Year with a hangover.

It’s good times people…good times.

And there is no better place to have good times than New York City. I’m telling you, I love New York. There is something to do everywhere in Manhattan. You want to see robberies??? They got ‘em!!! Prostitutes?????!?!??? They got ‘em! You want to see people riding down the street on a circular bike that looks like if one person gets their foot stuck EVERYBODY will die???? Dude…they got ‘em!!!! Short people, tall people, fat people, slim people. Harlem looks like one big ass video shoot….It’s just great…..

So New Year’s Eve in NYC would have to be great too right??? Hell yeah it was. I learned so many things in the past 3 days that I felt it only right to share my newfound knowledge with the masses. And since its the New Year, and resolutions usually come around this time, I decided to share my newfound knowledge, New Year’s Resolution style!!!

Right before I get into that, you know I have to do this. Anybody who knows me knows that I take all my trips with my friends from college and this one was no different. I love y’all and like Puffy we apparently can’t stop and won’t stop. One mo’ fo’ da books!!!

Without further ado, I present…

Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama Jackson’s List of 10 New Year’s Resolutions You Might Not Have Thought About But Might Need to Know for 2005

[*One mo' 'gain. The events that spawned these resolutions MAY OR MAY NOT have happened. *wink*]

1. Always have a contingency plan…hmmm…or a backup plan for folks who don’t know what contingency means and will try to use that shit in a sentence and fuck it up, like folks who use words like happenstance wrong…more than once!

The Caravan of Love (3 strapping males and 4 buxom*just needed an adjective* females) left Washington, DC at approximately 1030am. At 1030am, all parties involved had a place to stay. Fast forward 6 and a half hours (due to traffic ALL the way up to NYC) and by the time we reached NYC, only the 3 strapping males had a place to stay. Which means that during the car ride…somebody lost their place to stay. ON THE WAY THERE. Not the day before, not with advance notice.

Apparently, somebody said they could stay, and then renigged…ON THE WAY THERE. In the pantheon of fucked up things that could happen…this has to rate up there in the top 10. For all of those assholes who have EVER pulled some shit like that…wait…what exactly happened, you ask??? Well, Person A says Person B can stay because she will not be in NYC for New Year’s. While Person B is in route, to NYC no less, B calls A and gets told that A is in fact NOT leaving. This creates space issues…SERIOUS…space issues. (There is an additional fact in all this that might just place this at the #1 slot for Fucked Up Things You Can Do To Somebody Last Minute, but its still close enough to Christmas where hell points might be doubled, so I’ll lay off of that.)

Either way, there were 2 other places where the 4 buxom females could lay their heads…and one was chosen and stucken (and I know, that word makes no sense) too. Everybody was happy. The end.

Back. Up. Plan.

2. Get closer to your friends because you might end up sleeping with all of them!!!

Now I know you gutter minded bastards think that means that somehow, someway, a big group style orgy broke out. Well…you’d be wrong! However, NYC is home to the small ass apartment. And certain buildings in NYC are home to the HOT ASS apartment. Small and hot together are a bad combo. In DC/MD, putting 7 people in one apartment usually isn’t SO pressing. However, in NYC…having 7 people staying in the same apartment at the same time was something like a bitch. Added to the fact that everybody had luggage for days and it turned into a maze. Like a real one.

Sleeping became more like camping than sleeping. I’m not sure how much sleep anybody actually got because it was hot as shit AND folks were basically sleeping on top of one another (and I mean that in the most PG-13 way possible). Of course in NY, sleep is overrated anyway…but still…there was a whole lot of got damn quality time being spent up in those close quarters! (And once again…I mean that in very PG-13 related terms).

3. Plan better! And if you can’t…just say fuck it and go with the flow cuz it might turn out better!

When attempting to plan for New Year’s Eve…its pretty important to have SOME idea what you would like to be doing or where you would like to be going. But what happens if you have neither???? Well…you end up calling folks at the last minute who send you to a club where the price is not only $50 bucks, but the patrons are also aged 50 plus. I swear…I saw somebody’s grandmother in line. And I don’t mean that in the kids are having kids younger nowadays so grandmothers can be 25! I mean, as in OLD SCHOOL grandmothers. Like 65+. And she knew she was hot, cigarette, sequined dress and all. Also entering said line was a grown ass man who clearly still looks up to pimps and had the nerve to wear a full red suit and was greeted to shouts of “Dude…it’s Kool Moe Dee!!!!!” by the obnoxious group of young folks (me and my friends) who refused to get in line and pay 50 bucks for this Old Age Soiree.

HOWEVER…this led us to leave said club (The Shadow on West 28th Street between 7th and 8th Avenue) and head to East Houston Street. While walking down the street we came upon a club called the White Rabbit. Inside this club were nothing but Asians. Our first inclination was to keep trying to find somewhere new because apparently race mattered until somebody said the magic words:

OPEN BAR UNTIL 2AM.

Price of admission was $50, but open bar means free drinks with just tips. Umm…SIGN ME UP! Going with the flow got us into a club with nothing but Asians, 8 black people (ummm…that would be us) and like 4 white people….and got dammit if we didn’t have a BLAST. [Shout outs to any and everybody up in the White Rabbit!!!!!!!] That DJ was playing some good shit…AND the bar was empty most of the time which means what, kids???? You don’t have to wait for drinks!!!!!!!! Good times were had by all…but lessons were learned…such as…

4. Learn to recognize the signs of moderation!

This is important. When you notice people starting to decline Tequila shots…well, maybe you shoud say to yourself, “Self, maybe its time for a break!” You should not however, order 2 more for yourself at that exact moment. For the record, Tequila goes down quite easy…I wasn’t aware. And why is THAT important???? Glad you asked!

I’m gonna start making these resolutions shorter…k???

5. Grow up a little in 2005! Basically, act your muhfuckin’ age!

You see, open bars, tequila shots, and champagne do not mix well. Dancing hard with that combination makes it worse. So what happens next?? You must give back to the community. Translation: Panama had to hurl…a lot…outside. And why is THIS important???? Because for the first time ever in my life….I was kicked out of a damn club!!!! And the thing is…I told the bouncer I deserve to be asked to leave. That’s how understanding I am when I’m drunk. Dude let me back in the club twice and told me if I fall asleep in the club again…I have to go. So I did him one better…I fell asleep, woke up, then hurled in the club.

Now I hurled in the club for a reason though. See, while I woke up out of my slumber…I saw that one of my boys was about to get into an altercation. Even now I’m not sure why…but that’s my boy so I attempted to jump up. Bad idea. Like I said, I deserved to be asked to leave.

But before that happened….

6. Expand your mind and realize that everybody can lose their mind and just let go at any given moment when alcohol is in play!

*HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION ALERT!!! HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION ALERT*

Let’s just say that you’ve been drinking all night and have dapped up all the Asians in the club cuz they are the coolest mofo’s you’ve possible ever met. Let’s say you were just having a straight up BALL. The New Year came in right…you had your champagne, your Tequila shots…you haven’t thrown up yet at all. And let’s say, just hypothetically, that you are sitting around at the bar and the chicks you are there with decide to start flashing you. Hypothetically remember…then let’s say…they all do it again. And let’s throw in the drunk factor, you know hypothetically, which means that what normally can happen in say, 1 second, takes like 4…turning a flash into a short movie. And let’s also say that it took no prodding, nor was it ever even suggested…say, for the sake of argument, it just happened. Just because…

Let’s also say that the white dude sitting next to you at the bar decides to tell your friends that they are all great!!! I’m not saying that happened…I’m just saying, hypothetically…it could. And since we’re talking in hypotheticals…

7. Learn to play the percentages a little bit better!

Makes no sense?? Well I guess I’ll have to use another hypothetical situation. Say…just say, that one of the girls starts making movements like she’s gonna just pull out your, hmmm, “little soldier!” Now fellas, in life, a lot of women act like they’ll do that kind of thing. Especially when liquor is present, but what are the odds that it would actually happen??? Slim to none. But let’s just say that, hypothetically again, flashing has occurred, and people feel…entitled. Well let’s just say that maybe, just maybe, you’ve come across that 0.111111% person who would actually do it and expose your, ummm, “little soldier” to everybody else at the bar and in the group…

I’m just saying to learn to play the percentages a little better, that’s all.

Apparently I lied about making the resolutions shorter.

8. Resolve to realize that drunk time and thought is not the same as regular time and thought.

Drunk time strikes again. So I get kicked out of the club. (And by the way, we are back to things that actually happened). Well, that means we need to go home, right??? It’s about 230ish, though I really have no clue cuz I’m drunk out of my mind…as was everybody else in our Caravan of Love! Well, any black person, especially black males knows that catching a cab in NY is basically not gonna happen. Well apparently, it doesn’t work for drunk black women either who stand in the same place for maybe like an hour with an arm extended in the middle of E. Houston Street trying to catch a cab. Where does being drunk kick in?? Well, it takes a little longer for logic to step in. Logic that says, hmm…maybe we should catch the train home!!! Even the kicked out drunk dude started to think after about an hour of sitting outside on the street that the train would suffice…shit, it’s cold outside! What could normally be decided in about 5 minutes, took something like an hour!

Drunk thought also comes into play when you’re on the train headed back to 96th and Central Park West and sleep past your stop and end up in Harlem. That becomes drunk pissedoffedness, which isn’t so bad cuz I just fell back asleep. But let’s just say, folks were never so disappointed in missing a train stop in life!

9. Have as few hangovers as possible!

Does this even need an explanation???

And last but not least…

10. Enjoy and have the bestest time ever cuz someday folks are gonna end up getting married and the trips won’t be able to devolve into soft porn shows (not that anything like that happened) and road trips to places like Vegas, ATL, NY, LA…or hell anywhere else.

New York, New York 2005. One hell of a time….

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

And I’d like to give a special shout out to the homie Black Martha who was in NY and who I was fortunate enough to see at the new Manhattan club, Coldstone Creamery on 42nd Street.