Jackson G. Tickle Press Conference to Announce Winner of 2004’s Most Ignant Black Person
(flyer created by Jen of The.Damn.Diva.)
Location: Hyattsville, Maryland
Time: 9AM EST
Esteemed Speaker: Panama Jackson, CEO, JGT Enterprises
Honored Attendees: R. Kelly, Dr. Alan Keyes, Nelly, Ray Benzino, Robert “Bob” Johnson
Guest Speaker: Max, HNIC, Esteemed Gentleman from Bolivion: Home of the Fucked Up Negro
At stake: Black Community
*steps up to podium*
“My mic sounds nice check one, my mic sounds nice check two…ahem…”
Thank you all for coming today to our Press Conference to announce the winner of the Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises First Annual Michael Jackson/Condoleeza Rice Most Ignant Black Person of 2004 Pageant.
My name is Panama Jackson, and I’m the CEO and HNIC here at JGT Enterprises.
We hope that you all enjoyed the pageant. We also hope that you all were able to take something away from it. I know I did. In fact, I think I hate these motherfuckers more now than I did before the pageant kicked off. Never before has one group of men done so much to bring disdain to the black community, and I for one, am glad that somebody was able to do something to commemorate all of the hard work that they put into their dreams. Fuck ‘em.
*applause*
Before we announce the winner of our pageant, I’d like to send shoutouts to everybody on my panel. Thank you for telling it like it is and calling a spade a spade, a hoe a hoe, and a fucked up black man a fucked up black man. Dr. King would be so proud. Thanks to BlackMartha, Calvin, Raven, and Jen AKA The.Damn.Diva. for dropping it like its hot…knowledge that is!!! (Corny…one sentence! Cheesy…one paragraph! Kissing my ass cuz this is my shit muhfucka…PRICELESS!) We here at JGT would like to keep you folks on tap for future products, especially since we didn’t pay you shit. Though I would like to send an extra special “ta hell with ya” to Jen, who stole the show up in my company HQ. You are fierce, little one!
We’d also like to thank everybody who voted. Though the rules were wide open and free, I’d like to send an extra special “Thanks Jackass” to anybody who upon realizing that their candidate wasn’t winning, within 10 minutes voted something like 200 times. We shut down official voting much earlier than anticipated to counter this event from happening. I see you muhfucka…I see you! Either way, its good to see so many people exercise their right to vote. Truth be told, the best man won…unlike in some other elections. I’m not saying any names but some muhfuckas shouldn’t be where they are now…I’m sorry, I seem to have something in my throat…
*cough*FUCKBUSH*cough*
Excuse me, can I get some water?????
*Christina Milian lookalike in scantily clad gear brings me some PimpJuice. She’s just been pimp slapped, handed a P.I.M.P. .Scholarship, and fired.*
And I’m not saying he didn’t win legally, I’m saying some of y’all bastards ain’t come thru in the clutch like we needed too. If the choices really were “Vote or Die!”, the U.S. population might have been cut in half on November 3rd. Either way, thanks for becoming civically engaged and sharing your voice so that true ignance may shine thru!!
“Just let your SOUL GLO…just let it shine thru-uuuu-uuuuuuuuu”
*applause*
This just in. Flavor Flav has phoned in from a villa overseas. Flav, do you have something to say???
Flavor Flav: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, boyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Thanks Flav, and remember to get up a get get get down…
*chuckle*
Now for the moment of the hour, the moment when we reveal the winner of 2004’s Most Ignant Black Person Award. This individual has made great strides in the field of fuckeduptosity, ignantatiousness, and has all around been a full, fledge waste of life. Do I mean that in the nicest way possible?? Why of course I do!!! We here are JGT are happy to place the crown upon the head of a man who needs no more proof of his ignance. Ladies and gentlemen…we present to you the man who has “pissed” off people all over the country…
2004’s Most Ignant Black Person….
*drumroll*
R. Kelly
“It’s the remix to Ignition, hot and fresh out the kitchen…”
*DJ cueing up Dave Chappelle’s “Piss On You” followed by the “Piss On You” remix*
Thank you R. Kelly for all of your hard work in advancing the agenda of Ignant muhfuckas everywhere. You are truly a paragon in your chosen genre of art, General Ignance and Fuckery. The competition was stiff, but true ignance shone through!! You are a model of fuckedupedness, a paradigm of assholishness, and basically a pussy. I hate you.
As R. Kelly couldn’t be here, citing legal issues, and all around fuckboyishiousness, we have a representative here from his community, Bolivion, to give a statement on his behalf. Please join me in welcoming Max from Bolivion!
*applause*
*steps to the podium for statement*
“As the Prime Minister of Bolivion, I would like to accept this award on R. Kelly’s behalf. Truly, this is a monuemental occasion. The voters have spoken, and they agree that there was no more ignant nigga on the planet last year. We know that Alan Keyes came in second, and we are awaiting a congratulatory phone call, but we won’t be holding our breath, knowing he is a sore loser. I would like to also take this time to extend citizenship to Ray Benzino, who had a decent showing aswell.
Speaking of which, I must get ready for the Neverland After-party, hosted by Bolivion’s own Michael Jackson, with special correspondents Lil Kim and Armstrong Williams. I hope to see you all there!”
*Leaves podium storm of questions*
Well there you have it folks. R. Kelly has been crowned 2004’s Most Ignant. Make sure to join Max and the “R” at the afterparty later on. Thanks for attending our press conference and for participating in our pageant. Your civic engagement (AKA voting, graduate!) was most appreciated. Join us here at JGT Enterprises as we hope to make 2005 a banner year.
Basically…come back muhfucka.
For 3 Feet High and Rising, this is Panama Jackson, thanks and good night!
*applause*
*steps away from podium*