Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

I’ve got so many things swirling around my head right now that when I tried to write an entry, I ended up crying and shaking like a baby. Okay, not really, but you get the point. However, what I did manage to do was go over to my mama’s music and see that my boy Johnny Kwest put up some knowledge for dat azz that is far better than anything I would put up here. Please go check this out, I promise you will not be disappointed…

Johnny’s 10-Jazz Frontin’ 101

That’s some good knowledge right there…hell I even picked up a few pointers. And what with Valentine’s Day right around the corner some of us might need to go and pick up some guy/gal at a bar, strip club, or brothel…er…I mean, poetry spot…which reminds me…

…and for real this time…

Dandelions in the Parking Garage!! Coming Soon!!!

It’s going to be apart of a new venture that I (and my partner in crime, Blackmartha) have coming soon (after having owned the damn domain for something like 7 months) to a URL near you under the umbrella that is Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises (you thought it was just the name of this here blog, didn’t ya bitch??? Didn’t ya???) entitled:

We The Voices

I’ve got a team, a locale, and I’m the HNIC AKA the Editor In Chief. Can thou say bananas??? And I’m going to do this. If you are interested in getting some of your work out there (and no we aren’t paying) and aren’t offended by anything you see on this here site, and find yourself saying, damn…I be thinking the same shit Panama do (and you like to write)…shoot me an email (panamadjackson@yahoo.com), and maybe you can become part of the squad.

[***Sidenote: You see what gets written here. I'm not easily offended nor do I take myself too seriously unless the situation calls for it. I like to have fun basically. Don't come at me with no shit. I like to laugh and learn at the same time. I like edutainment. If you can provide that, hit me up.***]

If you do share your interest with me then please realize that you have All Rights Reseved:

1. You reserve the right to be rejected.
2. I reserve the right to reject you.
3. You reserve the right not to take it personal.
4. I reserve the right to not give a shit if you forgo your previously reserved right.
5. You reserve the right to realize its business, not personal.
6. I reserve the right to reinforce that age old mantra.
7. You reserve the right to have fun with this…
8. I reserve the right to have more fun than you! I’m the HNIC!!!

We have interests in any and everything under the sun, from music, to social commentary, to health, whatever. For real though, holla at me!!!

Remember though, you’re fuckin’ with a family man. We having fun, but we serious too. As in seriously trying to pop this off…like Cristal!!

Anyway, go check out my mama’s music, then go practice your newfound game!!!

Panama Muhfuckin’, HNIC, CEO, HMFIC, JGT Enterprises

First things first, I want to send a shoutout to both my cyber fiancee, Edwige, and to Kajuana, both of whom I had the opportunity to meet at Kajuana’s big 3-0 birthday party on Friday night. Thanks for the invite, it was a good time.

*****
Also, I did an album review of John Legend’s Get Lifted CD over at my mama’s music. What can I say but that it isn’t what its cracked up to be…let the arguments commence!

*****

Welcome to Huntsville, Alabama.

By a show of hands, how many people have ever been to Huntsville, Alabama????

*blank stares*

Okay, let me try again. Has anybody even HEARD of Huntsville, Alabama???

*a few hands go up*

Hmm…well let me break Huntsville down for you. Mmkay?? Southern city, lots of southerners from other parts of the South. Located in Northern Alabama. Lots of military folks due to Redstone Arsenal Military Installation and lots of northerners due to NASA’s Marshall Space Flight Center. Ahh….U.S. Space and Rocket Center. Two HBCU’s (Historically Black Colleges and Universities): Alabama A&M University and Oakwood College. One predominantly white university: University of Alabama-Huntsville. Open-minded yet conservative thinkers due to high level of education necessary jobs. Black section of town, but diverse for the most part.

It has projects though I refer to them as low income housing since I’ve seen projects in cities like DC, Atlanta, and NY. Roughly 300,000 folks and constantly expanding. For the most part, everybody that lives there enjoys an alright existence. Let’s call it a good quality of life. Great place to raise kids and retire, but horrible place to be young and urban (which is the point of this whole diatribe). And of course we have the most important fact: it’s in Alabama.

Let me say that again to get my point across.

It’s in Alabama.

Which to me means, the more things change the more they stay the same. And I don’t want to paint a negative picture of Huntsville. Like I said, its a great place to raise kids or retire, then die. It’s just a shitty place to be between the ages of 18-35, single and black. And this right here is where most of us urban youth run into problems and why I have to say from the top of my lungs…

FUCK CLUB 721.

First a little background. I went to high school in Madison, Alabama. I know, I know. Seems strange doesn’t it. You wouldn’t believe how many people upon finding out this fact find it hard to believe that some of my most developed social years were spent in Alabama. For some reason, folks tend to think folks in Alabama don’t learn to read and speak good or something. I’ll have you know, we learned everything about as gooder as any other school system!! Sheesh.

Anyway, I’ve been to clubs in Huntsville maybe five times. As soon as I graduated from high school I was out. I’ve also never found Huntsville’s entertainment venues to be quite my cup of tea. I moved to the Huntsville area after living in major cities in the US and overseas for my younger years where entertainment was plentiful and actually fuckin’ entertaining. Either way, anytime I go back to visit my family, I really don’t feel to up to going to the club, because frankly, after living in cities like Atlanta and DC, and visiting LA, NY, and other major cities, Huntsville’s clubs really, for lack of a better word, suck. Just give me TGIFriday’s and some liquor and I’m good.

But as always when you have your boys around, they want to go to the club to find the women. Huntsville doesn’t have too many clubs for black folks from what I hear. There is Oasis, a reggae club that is no bigger than my room. In fact, its often more entertaining to be outside the club stuck in your car on the street than it is to be inside the club with the other 4 people who can fit. Then there’s the Green Room. What can one say about the Green Room? Well, let’s just say, never go there.

Then there is Club 721. 721 is a majority white club. I’ve been there one time before, but the black radio station in Huntsville was throwing the party. It still sucked but it was mostly a black crowd. On normal nights its a predominantly white crowd. I’d say about 60/40. And of course that 40 percent of black folks is mostly black men going to holla at the white women in there. (Yeah I said it…) In fact, on the way to the club on the evening that drew my ire, my boy asked me if I discriminate because if I did, I probably wasn’t going to have much fun. Good times…

Now…finally, after all that…WHY FUCK CLUB 721??? Because these bastards denied me entry. And why did they deny me entry??? Because I didn’t have two forms of ID with a picture and my birthdate on it.

STOP!

How many people at all times carry two forms of ID with both a picture and their birthdate on them? I hardly EVER bring my passport with me to the club so I always ONLY have my driver’s license. That’s it. Who in the fuck mandated this stupid ass policy at this club?? And it is club policy, its on the fuckin’ door. It clearly states, “We may require 2 forms of ID for entry.” So why was I pissed???

Hmm…well I have a Maryland driver’s license. I presented my license. The bouncer looked at it and referred me to another bouncer. Only in Huntsville do you get referred. Upon looking at my license, he asked me for another form of ID. I was a bit taken aback by this. I live in a major city and have clubbed in nearly every major city. All the clubs either have “the book” or will just tell you they think you have a fake ID. Well, they don’t have the book. I asked the bastard if he thought my ID was fake and he said….

“No, I don’t think its fake at all.”

STOP!

Riddle me this shit. If you don’t think my ID is fake kicko, why would you need another ID??? Maybe I’m slow and there’s really a simple explanation, but to me…that’s pure and utter bullshit. So the dude proceeds to tell me that I need another form of ID with my birthdate on it. And it HAD to be because I was from out of state, because while I’m being hassled, white AND black people are getting in with just Alabama ID’s. Dude proceeds to tell me that I need to leave. I’m like aight homie, fuck you, if you all want to be dumb enough to turn down money. Clearly, they haven’t learned the golden rule that it takes money to operate a club.

Then I started paying attention. Oh yes bitches, I paid attention. There seem to be other forces at play here. I started noticing who was being turned away for entry. If you guessed black males, give yourself a pat on the back and have a drink on yourself later on tonight. Left and right, black males were being barred entry. Mostly due to their apparel. This is the ODDEST muhfuckin’ reason to deny entry at this particular club. You know why??? I’ll tell you why. They have a dress code. However, NOBODY knows the dress code. It’s the most random gotdamned dress code ever. I’ve seen them deny a black dude in the Kanye special (you know, button-up and sport jacket, stylish jeans, clean as hell shoes) and let a white dude in cut off shorts, some sandals, and a flannel shirt….with a trucker hat on. This mostly applies to men cuz women usually don’t have a problem gaining entry.

I stayed in the parking lot being an activist (read: parking lot pimpin’) for about an hour and took notes. What also happened at one point was that I was walking away from the entrance after arguing with the bouncer again and this group of black girls from Alabama A&M called me to their car. The first thing one of the girls said was…

“Are they not letting black folks in again???”

Apparently, this is the norm and they have some kind of quota where they only let so many of us in then start telling us that our pants are too baggy, too hip hoppish, or that we need two forms of ID as opposed to the white people who only need be white. And honestly, had they denied me entry based on my attire, I wouldn’t even have been mad. What I had on would have denied me entry into any REAL club in any real city in America. For God’s sake, I had Timberland boots on.

But my dress wasn’t the problem. My color was the problem…and potentially my out of state license. But I doubt they would have turned away a white guy from Tennessee. Thing is, I’ve been told about this club. Hell, everybody in Huntsville knows about this club and its “policies”. Everytime I’m back in Huntsville and the thought of going to 721 comes up, my sister or somebody else always says, you better make sure you dress a certain way cuz they ain’t letting you in homie.

So fuck’em is what I say. But I also don’t live there. And that’s the double edged sword. You see, there aren’t so many places for black folks to go, club wise. You have your sports bars and they ARE trying to have more diverse types of events. But the fact remains, either you go straight to the ghetto clubs or you have to risk being denied into a club that picks and choses which black folks they will let in. Almost like they know they are some jackasses but seriously cover their ass against claims of racism. And the way I feel is that if they don’t want black money, don’t give it to them. Fuck them. Fuck’em up against a wall.

The bottom line is this: no matter how you dress, or who you are, or that you’re willing to spend your money with some ungrateful bastards, or hell, even that you’ve met all the requirements to gain entry…policy is policy. And that policy clearly seems to state that you can’t let too many black folks in regardless of how much money they might make you.

Rich nigga, smart nigga, friendly nigga…same thing…still nigga..

Nigga, welcome back to Alabama.

The more things change, the more things stay the same.

So to the management who creates the policies to the bouncers who enforce it…I’d like to send out an extra special…

Fuck You to Club 721.

Okay…so clearly I messed up by posting everyday last week. Now it seems that some people (I’m not saying names…Edwige) assume that I’m gonna keep up the marathon. Funny how those same folks don’t update everyday themselves…

Once again, I’m not saying names here!! That wouldn’t be right…

*cough*Edwige*cough*

Either way, today is just a quickpost for that ass. Mostly because myself and one my bred-ren have started a music review blog. It’s in its infant stages but I like to argue about music…and between me and my boy, I don’t think we’ve had a conversation in the past 4 years that hasn’t been in some form or fashion music related. It can start with life, and end up with why Jay-Z needs to stop putting crappy beats on his albums. Apparently, there isn’t a single thing in life that can’t be tied to music.

Bar exam??? Straight! But did you hear that new Van Hunt song???

My girl fell down a flight of stairs???? Shit…that sucks. But it CAN’T be as bad as that new Ashanti album!!!!

See what I mean???

So without further ado…welcome too…

My Mama’s Music

…featuring (so far) Panama Jackson and Johnny Kwest

My boy reviewed The Game’s new CD, The Documentary, and its a classic. I’ll be doing a reactionary review of John Legend’s Cd, Get Lifted, pretty soon cuz I can’t BELIEVE Vibe Magazine gave that joint a freakin’ 5 (Classic rating). Da hell album did they get??? Then had the nerve to give it a 2 paragraph discussion. If you call it a classic, you owe me an explanation!!! At least more than two paragraphs. Anyway…that’s coming along with some of our lists of things you just need to know AKA News You Can Use!!!

*****

It’s time for another edition of Good Idea/Bad Idea!

Say you are a chick and go out with your boyfriend. Say you and your boyfriend get drunk. Say you’re white, even.

Now let’s say you and your boyfriend accidentally tap the back of a grown ass black man’s car trying to get out of a parking lot. Say the grown ass black man gets out of his car and asks you about it. Say you decide your drunk ass wants to get smart. Say, you want to use that one word that causes black folks to go off. Just say, just say…Let’s look at what can happen to you, k????

Good idea: Saying it in your head!

Bad idea: Saying it out loud!

****

Lastly, I went to see Coach Carter yesterday. It was actually a pretty good movie. In fact, it was a very entertaining movie. I’d recommend it. But what stood out to me is a poem quoted in the movie by one of the thugs on the basketball team that Sam Jackson kept referencing. It was just profound to me…so I thought I’d share it here…something to think about cuz it was that deep to me. And not deep, in the I wear earthtones kind of way…like in the real actual thought, I can take something away from this deep. Either way, enjoy…

Our Greatest Fear by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

(flyer created by Jen of The.Damn.Diva.)

Location: Hyattsville, Maryland
Time: 9AM EST

Esteemed Speaker: Panama Jackson, CEO, JGT Enterprises
Honored Attendees: R. Kelly, Dr. Alan Keyes, Nelly, Ray Benzino, Robert “Bob” Johnson

Guest Speaker: Max, HNIC, Esteemed Gentleman from Bolivion: Home of the Fucked Up Negro

At stake: Black Community

*steps up to podium*

“My mic sounds nice check one, my mic sounds nice check two…ahem…”

Thank you all for coming today to our Press Conference to announce the winner of the Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises First Annual Michael Jackson/Condoleeza Rice Most Ignant Black Person of 2004 Pageant.

My name is Panama Jackson, and I’m the CEO and HNIC here at JGT Enterprises.

We hope that you all enjoyed the pageant. We also hope that you all were able to take something away from it. I know I did. In fact, I think I hate these motherfuckers more now than I did before the pageant kicked off. Never before has one group of men done so much to bring disdain to the black community, and I for one, am glad that somebody was able to do something to commemorate all of the hard work that they put into their dreams. Fuck ‘em.

*applause*

Before we announce the winner of our pageant, I’d like to send shoutouts to everybody on my panel. Thank you for telling it like it is and calling a spade a spade, a hoe a hoe, and a fucked up black man a fucked up black man. Dr. King would be so proud. Thanks to BlackMartha, Calvin, Raven, and Jen AKA The.Damn.Diva. for dropping it like its hot…knowledge that is!!! (Corny…one sentence! Cheesy…one paragraph! Kissing my ass cuz this is my shit muhfucka…PRICELESS!) We here at JGT would like to keep you folks on tap for future products, especially since we didn’t pay you shit. Though I would like to send an extra special “ta hell with ya” to Jen, who stole the show up in my company HQ. You are fierce, little one!

We’d also like to thank everybody who voted. Though the rules were wide open and free, I’d like to send an extra special “Thanks Jackass” to anybody who upon realizing that their candidate wasn’t winning, within 10 minutes voted something like 200 times. We shut down official voting much earlier than anticipated to counter this event from happening. I see you muhfucka…I see you! Either way, its good to see so many people exercise their right to vote. Truth be told, the best man won…unlike in some other elections. I’m not saying any names but some muhfuckas shouldn’t be where they are now…I’m sorry, I seem to have something in my throat…

*cough*FUCKBUSH*cough*

Excuse me, can I get some water?????

*Christina Milian lookalike in scantily clad gear brings me some PimpJuice. She’s just been pimp slapped, handed a P.I.M.P. .Scholarship, and fired.*

And I’m not saying he didn’t win legally, I’m saying some of y’all bastards ain’t come thru in the clutch like we needed too. If the choices really were “Vote or Die!”, the U.S. population might have been cut in half on November 3rd. Either way, thanks for becoming civically engaged and sharing your voice so that true ignance may shine thru!!

“Just let your SOUL GLO…just let it shine thru-uuuu-uuuuuuuuu”

*applause*

This just in. Flavor Flav has phoned in from a villa overseas. Flav, do you have something to say???

Flavor Flav: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, boyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Thanks Flav, and remember to get up a get get get down…

*chuckle*

Now for the moment of the hour, the moment when we reveal the winner of 2004’s Most Ignant Black Person Award. This individual has made great strides in the field of fuckeduptosity, ignantatiousness, and has all around been a full, fledge waste of life. Do I mean that in the nicest way possible?? Why of course I do!!! We here are JGT are happy to place the crown upon the head of a man who needs no more proof of his ignance. Ladies and gentlemen…we present to you the man who has “pissed” off people all over the country…

2004’s Most Ignant Black Person….

*drumroll*

R. Kelly

“It’s the remix to Ignition, hot and fresh out the kitchen…”

*DJ cueing up Dave Chappelle’s “Piss On You” followed by the “Piss On You” remix*

Thank you R. Kelly for all of your hard work in advancing the agenda of Ignant muhfuckas everywhere. You are truly a paragon in your chosen genre of art, General Ignance and Fuckery. The competition was stiff, but true ignance shone through!! You are a model of fuckedupedness, a paradigm of assholishness, and basically a pussy. I hate you.

As R. Kelly couldn’t be here, citing legal issues, and all around fuckboyishiousness, we have a representative here from his community, Bolivion, to give a statement on his behalf. Please join me in welcoming Max from Bolivion!

*applause*

*steps to the podium for statement*

“As the Prime Minister of Bolivion, I would like to accept this award on R. Kelly’s behalf. Truly, this is a monuemental occasion. The voters have spoken, and they agree that there was no more ignant nigga on the planet last year. We know that Alan Keyes came in second, and we are awaiting a congratulatory phone call, but we won’t be holding our breath, knowing he is a sore loser. I would like to also take this time to extend citizenship to Ray Benzino, who had a decent showing aswell.

Speaking of which, I must get ready for the Neverland After-party, hosted by Bolivion’s own Michael Jackson, with special correspondents Lil Kim and Armstrong Williams. I hope to see you all there!”

*Leaves podium storm of questions*

Well there you have it folks. R. Kelly has been crowned 2004’s Most Ignant. Make sure to join Max and the “R” at the afterparty later on. Thanks for attending our press conference and for participating in our pageant. Your civic engagement (AKA voting, graduate!) was most appreciated. Join us here at JGT Enterprises as we hope to make 2005 a banner year.

Basically…come back muhfucka.

For 3 Feet High and Rising, this is Panama Jackson, thanks and good night!

*applause*

*steps away from podium*

…due to technical difficulties, including but not limited too:

• flight delays courtesy of Independence Air who decided that both coming and going, I should neither leave nor return back to Washington, DC, from Huntsville, AL, at the paid for and scheduled time…though I shouldn’t really complain, at least the plane didn’t fall out of the sky or anything;
• cold ass weather courtesy of the Big Guy/Gal upstairs that froze the living shit out of my car as I tried to start it after it had been sitting in a cold parking lot for 3.5 days;
• my father’s 50th birthday party in Madison, AL, which required my sisters and myself to scramble around like crazy for 24 consecutive hours in order to pull of the party of the half century for my pops. We scared the shit out of him when something like 100 people yelled surprise in a strange white neighborhood he’d never been in before. Good times…and…
• liquor and free-spirits provided by my sisters at said 50th birthday party which had folks seriously draped over some couches, ushering in the inauguration of a new drink we dubbed “The Shrek” after is green coloring. It’s like a slushy made of something that I can pinpoint, only my version included about 3 parts Absolut Vodka per 1 part slush…parts of the evening have been commited to, “Hmm…Did that Happen” Stage…good times were had by all!

Needless to say, amidst planning and MCing/DJing/Hosting said party, the kid, PDJakes, was out of commission, which was fine since all of our nominees seemed to be busy this weekend. Even R. Kelly didn’t return my phone calls for an interview. Anyway, after much coaxing and prodding, I have all of the contestants on notice that at about 8pm tonight, they need to be prepared to fly to my remote location in Maryland for the press conference.

Voting has occurred all weekend with Alan Keyes and R. Kelly often times overtaking one another for Most Ignant. One mo’ ‘gain…good times. Apparently they were the runaway favorites as it would take an act of pure ignance to propel one of the other contestants into stardom. Voting will cease at around 8pm this evening. Thanks to all who voted in hopes of shedding some light on 2004’s ignant bastards.

And one last thing…I’d like to send a special FUCK YOU out to Club 721 on South Memorial Parkway, in Huntsville, AL. I’ve heard stories about the treatment of some of us black folks at this club but I just assumed folks were tripping. It seems that behind every fucked up reputation is some truth. I’m going to expound more on this later…and I’m also going national with this one.

[***For the record, I'm not accusing the club of having racist policies. If anything, I'm accusing them of having IGNANT policies that happen to unfavorably fall upon one particular race. Is it intentional, clearly...but I just can't call that racism...though it is in Alabama. I'm just not ready to go there with it. It just seems like it would be TOO much.***]

In life, be careful who you screw, cuz you never know when it might come back to haunt you. It seems Panama Jackson knows the editor-in-chief of a local newspaper, who just might let me voice my “concerns” editorial style in a leading publication. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, is more interesting than seeing the look on both a bouncer and manager’s face like walking away and telling him…

…”I’m going to make you famous.”

So one more time for good measure…

FUCK YOU CLUB 721 IN HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA from the bottom of my heart!

Sincerely,

Panama Muhfuckin’

(flyer created by Jen of The.Damn.Diva.)

*DJ Vanderbilt cueing up Jay-Z’s “Ignorant Shit”*

Hello everybody, this is Branson Calhoun welcoming you all to our fifth and final day of the JGT Enterprises First Annual Michael Jackson/Condoleeza Rice Commemorative Most Ignant Black Person in America 2004 Pageant. We’ve had a great run here over the past few days shining a light on those ignant muhfuckas who made 2004, and life in general worse for black people everywhere. I’d like to send a special thank you to R. Kelly, Alan Keyes, Nelly, and Ray Benzino. Thank you all for being the true dickheads that you are and that we know you could be!!!!

*applause*

(Just In Case You Missed It: Day 1: R. Kelly, Day 2: Alan Keyes, Day 3: Nelly, Day 4: Ray Benzino)

And one last time, I’d like to thank our panel of experts for their hardwork and dedication and outing these bitches as the fuckboys that they are!!! Here’s hoping 2005 doesn’t live up to the standards these muhfuckas have set!!!! Thank you once again!!

*applause*

Make sure you take a few minutes out of your day today to go to our poll (to the left) and cast your vote for the Most Ignant Black Person of 2004. Voting is completely confidential so R. Kelly won’t be pissed (pun intended) at you if vote for him. Come one come all, be you black, white, brown, for ignance knows no color!!! Vote as many times as you’d like and make your voice heard!!! Let’s not make any mistakes like we did in November 2004!!!! VOTE OR DIE BITCH!!!!

VOTE OR DIE!!!

And who is our final nominee for the Most Ignant Black Person in 2004??? Well it’s none other than BET’s (one of our sponsors) own founder and Chairman:

Robert “Bob” Johnson

See also: majority owner of the Charlotte Bobcats. Let’s have a round of applause for the man who is responsible for the creation of this here pageant!!!

*applause*

What brought Bob Johnson into the fold of this pageant???? None other than his response to the Eminem video “Just Lose It”. It was written about here: Man In The Mirror.

Bob Johnson needs no real introduction as the only words that need to be said to explain who he is are: BET: Uncut. Bob Johnson created a monster in Black entertainment and has also presided over its downfall to the point where we, or those that ACTUALLY still watch BET, are subjected to shows such as College Hill, 106&Park, Arabesque Films, BET Nightly News (which is always a day late and a dollar short), and hell any other shows on this network. Sometimes you just have to wonder how many BET employees hate their lives…all thanks to Bob Johnson.

It seems only fitting that the final day of our pageant be dedicated to the one man who has done absolutely nothing for black people lately (since in its early days, it was better) yet has the potential to do the most with his access to homes across the world.

Without further ado…experts????

KillaCal’s take on Mr. BET:

Well in some ways I can’t be mad at him. He’s the most prominant example of a sell-out nowadays, but he’s not the first and he won’t be the last. Let’s face it, BET wasn’t exactly a pillar of excellence when he owned it, he just completed the downward spiral by selling it to Viacom. To me his worst aspects are being explored now with his new NBA franchise. It’s not just that they have the worst possible nickname for a sports team (I mean really….who admires/is
fearful of/even cares about Bobcats….Bobcats are like a step above Garfield and friends….he might as well have named them the Heathcliff’s). It’s not just that they have uniforms that are a step above high school in design. But when he went into business with Nelly? I mean honestly…..*sigh*….in what way can that be spun into something positive?

BlackMartha’s take on Black History:

I can’t lie, BET is great in theory. It started out small back in 1981 and the man worked wonders on the joint, taking it from a few hours a day to a full fledged network. However, it seems like BET will forever be the Little Network That Couldn’t, because it hasn’t reached its full potential. Why? Because Ingoramous Numero Uno decided to cash his chips in early.

I’m disappointed in Bob. I believe there should be a place where Black media professionals can work and do for themselves, but not like this. BET is like the projects of TV Land. The projects ain’t so bad, but it’s not always where you want, need, or should be.

We all know the arguement that Uncut is disgraceful to women. In some ways I agree, but the whole damn network is pretty disgraceful to women (and Black people). My main beef with Uncut is it’s horrible production. The videos are just half-assed, no-quality, homemade soft.pornos. And the music is bad to boot. Dude, “WHITE GIRLS?” I hated that video. The only track I liked that appeared on Uncut was one of them N.E.R.D. songs. Everything else was trash. It’s just sad. Every time I watched Uncut (I only watched for analysis–I was a Media major after all!), I just kept asking myself “people PAY to put this shit on the air!?” It offends me because I desire to work in the media industry. I’ll have to go to work everyday with El Whitey, who will probably assume I’m down for the ‘Uncut’ Cause. Thanks Uncle Bob.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he pulled Eminem’s video in order to save the victim of the year: Michael Jackson. Bob’s reasoning: “BET pulled the video because we feel it is inappropriate to use our network to air a video disparaging Michael’s character, or that
of any other celebrity.” Ain’t this some shit?? We don’t want Mike to look bad (as if he needed help), but ALL OF BLACK AMERICA can look bad, all day every day (except on Sundays when they got to pay the bills with all them gotdamn infomercials)?? When’s the last time Mike Jackson was actually Black, anyway??? Get your priorities in order.

Jen AKA The.Damn.Diva’s take on The Founder:

Well I for one have nothing bad to say about Robert Johnson. How could anyone have anything bad to say about the man that brought us BET UnCut and Sunday morning church back to back every week? Dammit, that man devoted Saturday night programming to giving us something to repent for on Sundays. And I for one am thankful. Praise God?ƒ?I meant Bob.

Not only that, when our esteemed brother Wacko Jacko was in danger of being outted by Rap?ƒ¥s Angry White Boy, Mr. Johnson made sure to replay Nelly?ƒ¥s ?ƒ?Tip Drill?ƒ? video over and over, leaving no time to air that despicable video condemning an innocent man. Butt cracks ?ƒ¨ appropriate. Satirical videos ?ƒ¨ unacceptable. That?ƒ¥s Black Entertainment for you.

Thanks, Bob.

Raven’s take on Mr. Uncut:

Bob Johnson. I don’t have a whole lotta beef with Bob (much to your chagrin, I’m sure). I do find him rather coonish but I don’t think he’s guilty of much more than exploiting black people for pay. And let’s face it, there are more than enough people doing that for free. I’m just glad he was smart enough to get paid for it. I’m not a BET viewer so again, his ignorance is owed mostly in part to the little people we shouted out up top.

Panama’s take on Mr. 106&Park:

I’d like to say thank you, Bob Johnson. Thank you for letting Donnie Simpson and Sherry Carter go. Thank you for getting rid of El Capitane. Thank you for ending Video Soul. Thank you for ending Teen Summit as we all know that nowadays teens have it all figured it out and don’t need any help or guidance. Thank you for removing most non-video related programming. Thank you for Comicview re-runs OVER AND OVER again. Thank you for BET: Uncut and thank you for not feeling obligated to listen to the cries of women everywhere that they were being exploited, as we all know that women have no say so at the table anyway, so fuck’em. Thank you for realizing that. Thank you for AJ and Free, for where else would we get two people so horribly suited to host a show that only 13-15 year old’s watch the show rendering grown people helpless to the numerous consecutive days of B2K or Bow-Wow as the number one video in all of Blackland.

Thank you for listening to Michael Jackson and his upsettedness over the Eminem “Just Lose It” video, for it was distasteful…even moreso than ANY video that you could possibly run on BET:Uncut. Thank you for Tiffany because without you she would have no job. Thank you for more video countdowns and re-runs of the weeks video countdowns on Saturday and thank you for Jesus and gospel videos and programming on Sunday. Thank you for infomercials on Sunday afternoon as we all know black entertainment stops after church. I guess its cuz we eat and are tired. Thank you for all the News thats fit to air on TV. Thank you for College Hill and an extra special REAL thanks you for never bringing it to a school like Morehouse, Spelman, or Howard; schools I hold near and dear to my heart and for not attempting to tarnish their reputations further reducing enrollment.

Thank you for the L-bow Room, which needs NO discussion. Thank you for Live from LA. Thank you for Rachel who clearly wasn’t even from any island but probably from Cleveland and had to fake an accent. Thank you for being one of the only gotdamn networks to run those fucked up ads for Jamster.com’s ringtones to include, “Where My Baby Daddy at?? Where he be???” Thanks for running those great McDonald’s commercials that proved that speaking ebonically DOES have a purpose on TV.

All in all, Bob, thanks for doing what is needed in the black community, providing another reason for black folks not to use black products!!! Thank you, Bob, for BET!!!

Thank you!

Thank you to the panel of experts and their devotion to this pageant. Thanks for audience and all those who got something from this pageant. Thank you to our sponsors. Thank you most to the nominees who decided to make 2004 a year to remember!!!! Make sure that you show your support and belief in these contestants by casting your vote for the Most Ignant….

We here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises would like to just give an extra special thanks out to everybody who stops by to hear our rants and raves and who have made this year a special one!! Thank you from Panama Jackson, CEO, COO, and all around HNIC AKA HMFIC.
This is Branson Calhoun signing off.

Thank you and Good Night!

VOTE OR DIE, BITCH!

[Check back on Tuesday for the Press Conference and Coup de Grace, as we crown 2004's Most Ignant Black Person! And why not Monday you ask??? In honor of Morehouse College's most famous alumni, my black ass will be taking some time and reflecting on the legacy and dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Basically, I work for the government, and we get the day off. And if you don't, take it off!!! See you Tuesday!]

(flyer created by Jen of The.Damn.Diva)

*DJ Vanderbilt cueing Jay’Z’s “Ignorant Shit”*

Hi, this is Branson Calhoun and I’d like to welcome you all to Day 4 of our pageant to determine the Most Ignant Bastard, er, I mean Person of 2004 in the Black Community. We are almost to the final day of the pageant where YOU, yes YOU, the public, cast your votes to determine our winner. Thanks for keeping up thus far. We really appreciate it!!!

*applause*

I must say, our nominees (R. Kelly, Alan Keyes, Nelly) are doing a stand up job of providing all the necessary firepower to determine who is indeed the most ignant. And I must say, they are all fine contenders!!!!!! Especially that Alan Keyes, he really knows how to be a dickhead. I mean Jesus??? He brought in Jesus??? Good googly moogly. Either way, thank you to the nominees!!!

*applause*

(Just In Case You Missed It: See Day 1: R. Kelly, Day 2: Alan Keyes, Day 3: Nelly)

And once more, let us extend a round of applause to our excellent panelists who have found a way to be here to share their thoughts on our contestants. Thank you all!!! Especially that Raven. Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

*applause*

And while I have your attention…DANDELIONS IN THE PARKING GARAGE! Coming
Soon!!

(Can somebody tell me why there are dandelions in the parking garage????)

Ladies and Gentlemen, today’s nominee takes dickheadedness to a whole new level. This individual has decided that Eminem is raping black culture and making money on the backs of black rappers and society, all the while his business partner running the Source magazine is a white guy. Yes, a real white guy. We here at JGT think that race matters not, for we are an equal opportunity employer, however, if you are going to pull the race card, its better if you don’t go to the office next door to visit with your partner, a white man, who is subsequently benefitting from black culture…just like Eminem.

Our nominee today is none other than:

(IGNORANCE HAS A UNIFORM!!! AND HE WEARS IT PROUDLY!!!)

Raymond “Benzino” Scott

Who is Benzino you ask?? He is a rapper/magazine owner from Boston. In late 2003/2004, he waged war against Eminem, claiming that Em has been raping black culture and music for personal gain all the while not giving a shit about the artform or music he was taking advantage of and was only successful because he was white. He claimed that Em was part of the machine that held black rappers back but placed him up high because he was indeed white. This is the same man who used his own magazine, The Source, to promote his own acts even going so far as to give excellent album reviews to shitty albums for groups he was promoting, and overly promoting these albums with humungous 4 page spreads, though apparently it fooled no one because his albums have yet to sell gold…COMBINED. He has consistently compromised the integrity of the magazine by using the magazine for personal gain, while not admitting he was doing so. In essence, he has been a hoe. Now this is not a hoe in the sense of having a pussy, but a pussy having no gotdamn sense…

Benzino also this year took the side of Robert “Bob” Johnson and some others in the black community about not playing Eminem’s video “Just Lose It” because of the distasteful way it portrayed Michael Jackson. He joined forces with Michael Jackson and called for Eminem’s head. Yes, the same Michael Jackson that EVERYBODY has mocked and made fun of in the past (and for whom this award is named after). Yes, that one. He claimed that Em has no respect for the black community and provided America with tapes of a younger (though that is no excuse) Eminem using the word “nigger” and making disparaging comments about black women. Benzino then proceeded to make music that included disparaging comments about black women. Basically, Raymond Benzino is a black man with a vendetta and no gotdamn sense. Fuck him…

Let us find out what our panel of experts has to say about this Benzino character…let’s have a listen!!!

Jen AKA The.Damn.Diva’s take on the bastard:

Ya know, I don?Ĵt think Ray Benzino gets enough credit. While he is indeed a complete ignoramus, you have to look at his power. The man has single-handedly ruined the credibility of a formerly well-respected album review rating system. 5 mics? Pffft. Who really knows what that means in these times of Dooky Journalism. 5 mics could mean you had a genuinely
great album? Or it could mean you gave Benzino great brain. 1 mic could mean your
album was a piece of shit. Or it could mean you pissed off Beninzo?Ĵs cousin?Ĵs sister?Ĵs nephew?Ĵs neighbor?Ĵs baby daddy.

But hey, we shouldn?Ĵt be mad, Benzino?Ĵs trying to save rap from the clutches of the Evil White Rapper. He?Ĵs on our side, we females should be especially grateful for his chivalrous efforts to change the way men refer to black women. He has made it clear to everyone that it is only okay for Black men to call us bitches and hoes. Maybe a Spaniard here and there, but that?Ĵs where we draw the line.

I feel better about myself every day.

Raven’s take on the Black Savior from the Evil White Rapper:

Benzino. Ehhh, he doesn’t really bleep on my radar. He could be deemed ignorant based solely on that fact. He’s not cute though so that definitely puts him in the running.

KillaCal’s take on The Source of fuckedupedness in black music journalism:

The Sauce hasn’t been shit for some years, that’s the God’s honest truth. Made Men has had more print ads in the back pages of the Sauce than total albums sold. Benzino is Young MC with media connections, proof positive that all the advertising and journalistic bribery in the world can’t get you acceptance.

Panama’s take on, hell, I hate him:

Man, I’ve never seen somebody not go away like he won’t. I mean, everybody basically hates him and he STILL believes in his cause. That’s ignorance if I’ve ever seen it. Though his magazine has lost more advertising dollars than Enron, he STILL thinks that finding a way to attack Eminem, and now everything Em is attached too, is a good idea. Further attaching himself to Ja Rule and now, MICHEAL JACKSON, its like his ignance just builds steam. I mean I can understand being salty at the fact that no matter what you do, you can’t sell records, so going at the top man kind of makes sense. It’s just a damn shame that no matter how much work he puts in to becoming somebody, nobody but his momma cares, and I’m only assuming there. He decided that putting out a press release saying that Eminem has constantly disrespected the Black Community with his music, antics, and videos and saying that we should all join sides against Eminem, was a good idea, but in reality was just fuckin’ stupid. Losing the lyrical battle was bad enough…but giving yourself a Hip-Hop Quotable for a verse my 4 year old niece could write was just downright shameful you dick.

I swear, somebody needs to save him from himself before he writes the Source right out of existence. Nobody cares about them anymore ANYWAY but shit, at least they were providing folks with jobs…now his ignance is about to contribute to the black unemployment rate, just as his music career has…cuz his whole staff HAD to be fired for his lackluster ass music. Fuckin’ Benzino, go pick on Britney Spears, at least you could win that battle lyrically. She’d roast your ass musically though…pussy ass muhfucka.

Thank you.

Creep with us for the final day of our pageant!! Tomorrow’s candidate, another personal favorite, the one, the only: Robert “Bob” Johnson of BET!!! You think you know, but you have no idea…how ignant one man can be over time!!! Tune in tomorrow!!!

January 14, 2005! VOTE OR DIE, BITCH!!!!!!

(flyer created by Jen of The.Damn.Diva. )

*DJ Vanderbilt cueing up Jay-Z’s “Ignorant Shit”*

*blaring thru speakers “I got that ignorant shit you like….”*

Branson Calhoun (aside): Muthafucka, don’t you know I’ll beat yo’ mutha….

HELLO, this is Branson Calhoun reporting live and direct from a remote spot in Maryland. WE’d like to welcome you to Day 3 of our exciting foray into determining who outshined even the most bling blingnatious, who provided more reason to opt out of black culture, and who seemed like a perfect contender for a Vibe Award!!!!! In short, welcome back to the:

JGT Enterprises First Annual Michael Jackson/Condoleeza Rice Commemorative Most Ignant Black Person 2004 Pageant.

*applause*

We’d like to thank both R. Kelly and Alan Keyes for their outstanding detriments to themselves and Black America this year and wish them both much luck in their attempts at securing the much coveted Most Ignant Black Person in America 2004 Award!!!!! Apparently Alan Keyes wasn’t a crowd favorite, which is amazing considering how much we here at JGT hate his ass, but either way, good luck you ignant sons of bitches, may you both stop defaming your families and our community at large by disappearing overnight and being forced to watch re-runs of BET’s (one of our sponsors) The Center as hosted by either Young Sir or Ray J!!!

*applause*

(Just In Case You Missed It: Check back for both Day 1: R. Kelly and Day 2: Alan Keyes as a refresher.)

We’d also like to thank our sponsors and our extremely loving panel of experts. As you can see, the panel loves each and every one of these contestants dearly!!! Thank you guys and gals…thank you!!!! Share the love!!! Sh-aaaaaaaaaaaaaare the luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv!!!

*applause*

Today’s nominee is a personal favorite. Today, I’d like to welcome one:

Cornell “Nelly” Haynes

Nelly, Nelly, Nelly. This is a man who needs no introduction…however, it just wouldn’t be fair if we failed to at least mention those things that Nelly has provided as advancement to the black community over the course of 2004. Honestly, he must be trying to win an NAACP Image Award with all of his great strides in the name of black people everywhere!!! And because we love the Nell-ster SO much here at JGT, we must inform the masses of his GREAT accomplishments. In 2004, Nelly did the following:

1. Created the “Tip Drills” video (jurys out on whether or not this is a good or bad thing) and told the chicks at Spelman College they were basically losing focus when they protested his coming to campus for his Bone Marrow Drive (once again, jury’s out)
2. Created PimpJuice, the drink that takes pimps hard work and turns it into a drink you can trust!!!
3. Created the P.I.M.P. Scholarship (does it even need any words)
4. Told rappers to stay out of politics for fear of losing money
5. Created bad music in the form of Sweat and Suit
6. Entered into ownership with Robert “Bob” Johnson as part owner of the Charlotte Bobcats (and yes, Bob, is a nominee too got dammit…oh YES!!!) Ignance thru association!!!!

For further analysis on why Nelly is an ignorant son of a bitch, please see: If You Don’t Know…

Let’s see what our panel of experts thinks about this one Nelly, shall we??? Yes, let’s!!!! Spread the love!!!!

Raven’s take on Mr. Country Grammar:

I like Nelly (the exterior…I have not, I repeat, have not ever purchased any Nelly products; not even apple bottom jeans and they were one Oprah’s Favorite Things List). I think he crute and based on that alone he is disqualified from this competition.

KillaCal’s take on the self-proclaimed #1:

I mean really….he’s from St. Louis. He wears a bandaid as a fashion statement. He made a rap song from a combination of Speedy Gonzales and Old McDonald. He’s the kind of superficial thinker that would plan a bone marrow drive at Spelman (I’m sure with the Pussy Potential in the forefront of his mind), not thinking that these highly educated women might abhor him for his sexfest of a video/song Tip Drill. He’s one of those people who tries, and shouldn’t in just about every aspect of his life.

Panama’s take on the St. Louis Swiper:

This bastard right here…I swear. Never has one individual been more consistently ignant over the span of 12 months than this bastard right here. And the worst shit, and what actually makes it ignant, is that I don’t think he realizes how fucked up his antics are. He’s like, hey, I created a scholarship…so what if it I’m going to call it the P.I.M.P. Scholarship after the very folks we are trying to steer the kids away from!!! So what???

I’m just gonna say that I think I hate this man…as a person. And no it isn’t fair because I don’t know him…but who gives a shit. And maybe I’m blowing this shit out of proportion, but got damn…if ignorance is bliss, this fucker must be living in a cotton ball with 15 Halle Berry lookalikes and a few Beyonce’s, while every one of his CD’s goes diamond (10 million sold) and where reading isn’t fundamental. In short, Nelly to me, is the most ignant bastard based on his inability to do anything remotely close to thinking. Honestly, I think I hate him.

May his daughter “drop down and get her eagle on” for his boys when she is 12 so he can see the terror he has wraught on society!

BlackMartha’s take on the P.I.M.P. Academic:

Nelly is a very high contender for this America’s Most Ignorant Black Person. I didn’t have any problems with Nelly-nell in the beginning. I loved Country Grammar because it was different, and up until then I hadn’t cared about any midwest rappers (West Side till I die!). But Nelly had a different style and well, he was kinda cute. Cute points are automatic cool points in my book.

I even let Nelly slide for saying he was a sucker for “cornrows and manicured toes.” Was it so hard to say “pedicured,” since fingernails are manicured and toenails are pedicured? Yes, I identified his blatant ignorance but I turned and looked the other way.

In 2004, Nelly took it to a new level of ignorance. The P.I.M.P. Scholarship? Was he serious about that? Yes, he was. I know a lot of men enjoyed his video for Tip Drill, but did he really have to go there? And did he really go to Spelman College thinking that a campus full of smart Black women were going to take his shit laying down?

Nelly might just be the most ignorant simply because he believes everyone else is just as ignorant as he is! That’s definitely a new breed of ignorance right there, ladies and gents.

But let’s allow Nelly to speak for himself:

“Part of the reason rap artists come under the fire more than any other
group is because people don’t respect what we do as art….So I accept
my role and my freedom as an artist. I respect women and I’m not a
misogynist. I’m an artist.”

I’m sorry but the Hip Hop Gets No Respect claim is invalid, seeing that commercially speaking, Hip Hop is at its peak right now. If you are going to be ignorant enough to defend your misogyny, at least come harder with a meatier defense.

Jen AKA The.Damn.Diva.’s take on Mr. Get Your Eagle On:

The alphabetical case for Nelly?Ĵs ignorance:

—Exhibit A: ?ƒ?I?ƒ¥m goin down down baby, yo street in a Range Rover/Street sweeper baby/Cocked ready to let it go/Shimmy shimmy cocoa what?/Listen to it pound./Light it up and take a puff, pass it to me now.?ƒ?

—Exhibit B: ?ƒ?Andele andele mami, E.I. E.I./Uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What’s poppin tonight?/Andele andele mami, E.I. E.I./Uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! If the head right, Nelly there ery’night?ƒ?

—Exhibit C: ?ƒ?Shee only want me for my pimp juice/Not my pimp juice, I’m talkin new pimp juice/ think I need to cut her loose/Yes I do, yes I doooooo-hoooo

I?Ĵm done with him ?Ĭ because, unlike the alphabet, Nelly?Ĵs ignorance is infinite. I?Ĵd run out of letters.

Thanks all!!

Please come back tomorrow for Day 4’s headline: Ray Benzino Nominated for Award…the Most Ignant Black Person in America of 2004!!!! He needs your support!!!

And remember, 1/14/2005, VOTE OR DIE, BITCH!!!!! VOTE…OR…DIE!!!

(flyer created by Jen of The.Damn.Diva. )

*DJ Vanderbilt cueing Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools”*

Hello all, this is Branson Calhoun welcoming you back for day 2 of our pageant, the JGT Enterprises First Annual Michael Jackson/Condoleeza Rice Commemorative Most Ignant Black Person in America 2004. And we’d like to thank our panelists for their biting yet accurately true opinions and analysis of one R. Kelly.

(Just In Case You Missed It: See Day One’s Analysis of R. Kelly)

*applause*

And I’d like to thank R. Kelly for being himself and providing black America with something to be so proud of. Dr. King would be so proud. Thank you, R. Kelly. Thank you and die. Good luck!!!

And don’t forget to celebrate the Reverend Dr.’s birthday on Monday, January 17th. The government says you should!

And don’t forget…DANDELIONS IN THE PARKING GARAGE! Coming soon!

Moving along, today’s nominee comes to us from the political arena. If we could all give a warm round of applause for:

Dr. Alan Keyes, R-MD

Who is Alan Keyes you ask??? Who is this man behind Alan Keyes the jackass??? I see he needs a brief introduction.

Our good friends over at Wikipedia.com, have this to say about Dr. Keyes:

“Dr. Alan Lee Keyes (born August 7, 1950) is an American politician and diplomat, considered one of the leading African Americans in the Republican Party. He served in the U.S. Foreign Service, appointed Ambassador to the Economic and Social Council of the United Nations and then became U.S. Assistant Secretary of State for International Organizations under President Ronald Reagan. Keyes is notable for his unsuccessful campaigns for the U.S. Presidency in 1996 and 2000, and for the U.S. Senate in 1988, 1992 and 2004. “

What they DON’T mention is what was reported here (please read this, its a short article, your life will never be the same): Keyes: Jesus Wouldn’t Vote for Obama. This was discussed in depth by our own Panama Jackson here: Lord Help Me…No, Really…Please…

They do however mention that he is a black Republican, which for some is enough to hate and call ignant. I’m not saying its good enough for me, I’m just saying, I’d understand if you hate him just because of that…that’s all I’m saying.

In his brilliance, Keyes attempted to move from Maryland to Illinois at Republican’s behest to run against the Democratic hopeful, Barack Obama, for the open Illinois U.S. Senate seat. Did I mention he’s from Maryland?? Apparently Republican’s forget Keyes is black as much as black folks do and failed to realize that no matter what, there was going to be a black man in the Senate.

With that in mind, let’s see what our panelists have to say about the good Dr. Alan Keyes!!!! Without further ado, these are our heroes…

Panel, what say you???

Raven’s (who’s from Illinois) take on the ignant bastard:

Alan Keyes…this (http://jacksongtickle.blogspot.com/2004/09/lord-help-meno-reallyplease.html) is infalliable proof that he is unequivically the most ignorant black person in America. Besides that he looks like he got a real bad grade of hair. I bet he got taco meat on his chest.

(Hard to disagree with taco meat as a reason!!!)

KillaCal’s take on the political shitkicker:

What’s funniest about this cat is that I go to school with a guy who if I didn’t know any better I’d say was his son/protege/Jedi Knight in training (paduian learner). He’s so delusional that if he weren’t trying to run for office and influence our national policy he’d be laughable. The fact that his levels of self hate are so high that he’d run against a man percieved as “the great black hope” is kind of scary. You’d think he has arranged some kind of Satanic deal when the apocolypse/reinstation of slavery occurs. He’s House Nigga scum of the highest order, but at least he’s smart enough to stay out of the hood.

Panama’s take on the lamest politician on earth, fuck what ya heard:

Good God. If ever there has been one man who has deserved a spot in the Ignant Negro Hall of Fame, its Alan Keyes. What kind of motherfucker up and moves from Maryland to Illinois in like a week’s time JUST to challenge another black man for a spot in the Senate. Like really, what the fuck was going on in his head where he thought this shit was a GOOD idea. Look, I’m not for BAD BAD THINGS happening to him from some dude in a black mask and a say, a .45 and all that but…well I’ll just leave that statement open.

Sometimes I just don’t understand black people. Look, you can be a black Republican, I really don’t give a shit. But you can’t be an ignant summamabitch black Republican who does shit just for the sake of doing it. Unless you are Condi Rice, in which case we hate you too. How you gonna INTENTIONALLY try to bring another black man down??? Just cuz…it ain’t like he thought he was going to win, hell the muhfucka can’t win shit. I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say Keyes was working with Magic Johnson and Starbucks. I just can’t see Magic and Keyes getting along, though. I mean though I can’t stand his ass, at least Keyes can put together a grammatically correct sentence…AND SPEAK IT OUT LOUD!

Either way, ignance and Keyes goes together like a young black man and jail time. It was written.

BlackMartha’s take on Illi…er, Maryland’s finest:

It’s difficult for me to try and lambast Mr. Keyes, mostly because unlike our other candidates, he has a pretty damn good resume: he attended Cornell (but left due to death threats he recieved for speaking out against THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT), graduated from Harvard with a BA and a PhD. He’s held leadership positions for the United Nations, and the US Department of State. His resume is better than mine (for right now). However, we must remember that this pageant is partly in the “spirit” of Dr. Condoleeza Rice-Bush, a Black woman with an excellent resume, but ignorant tendencies. With that being said, Dr. Keyes fits right in.

I’d say one of his biggest acts of ignorance of 2004 occured when Alan just up and ran for the US Senate for a state he didn’t even live in. One could argue that Hillary did it with New York, so what’s the big deal? No biggie, except for you forget that in 2000, Keyes was on his soap box denouncing Hillary saying: “I deeply resent the destruction of federalism represented by Hillary Clinton’s willingness to go into a state she doesn’t even live in and pretend to represent people there, so I certainly wouldn’t imitate it.” Ahh, but it’s okay if you do it,right Alan? Right.

On to his 2004 political platform of ignorance:

:: According to Alan, the high numbers of abortion by Blacks were indicative of GENOCIDE of BLACK AMERICANS and this is the reason behind the decline in the Black Population. Last time I checked, abortion was an option (a fairly recent one), and nobody opts to be victims of genocide. I think perhaps slavery and Jim Crow had a bigger impact on the Black population in America, but that’s just me. Hey, I could be wrong.

::Alan says abortion was the major reason for the September 11th attacks, and doctors who perform abortions are terrorists.

:: Alan says: “Christ would not vote for Barack Obama…” Cut the quote right there cuz we all know that Keyes is the second coming of Martin Loofa Tha Kang, and Jesus and Martin are tight. ‘Nuff said.

:: He’s an ignorant sore loser. He lost to Obama in a landslide…and he didn’t call Obama to congratulate him (which is customary). Instead, he whined on a radio show that Obama stood for “a culture evil enoughto destroy the very soul and heart of my country.” Sore Ignorant Loser101 right there.

My biggest beef with this contestant? He’s using all that stellar first-class education for evil. We can’t afford to have niggas in theIvies with advanced degrees, and then for them to come out fuckin up our cause! This is what Starbucks AKA The Man wants us to do, and by golly Alan Keyes is their man to make it happen. I urge you all to vote for Alan Keyes as the Most Ignant Black Person in America of 2004 because he embodies the true spirit of this pageant: big degrees and big success can still produce AN IGNANT ASS NIGGA.”

Jen AKA The.Damn.Diva.’s take on El Negro:

Black Politicians?ƒ?are usually ignorant. Yeah I said it?ƒ?and what? Knuck if you buck.

Alan Keyes says that ?ƒ?preferential affirmative action patronizes American blacks, women, and others by presuming that they cannot succeed on their own.?ƒ?—Source: Organizational website, RenewAmerica.us, “On The Issues” Aug 3, 2004

Hmm, by ?ƒ?others?ƒ? would you be referring to dim-witted, trigger-happy, big-eared, small-brained, ?ƒ?Howdy?ƒ?-slanging, vacation-golf-playing, Army National Guard evading Texans? Who?ƒÆif not for their powerful poppa?ƒÆwould not be able to get admitted to any thinking man?ƒ¥s college, much less rise to an international position of power. Those ?ƒ?others?ƒ?? Affirmative Action only counteracts unofficial affirmative action you stupid fuck. Why do you think your ass even gets quoted in the media? Because you?ƒ¥re a BLACK man saying stupid shit like this and Starbucks aka The Man finds it entertaining to get a field n**** to do his work for him. Affirmative Action at its worst.

Keyes thinks prayer in schools is ?ƒ?probably the most important of our God-given rights, which is the right to appeal for aid to our Almighty God.?ƒ?
Source: Organizational website, RenewAmerica.us, “On The Issues” Aug 3, 2004

At the risk of sounding like a complete heathen, how about you teach kids to put the Holy Spirit down for a second and actually pick up their fucking math book? Get off the Jesus Train and get your ass in a tutoring program. God don?Ĵt like ugly. And he doesn?Ĵt like the lazy either. It?Ĵs as simple as Hooked on Phonics: Get holy at home. Learn at school. And if you simply can?Ĵt get through a school day without a mid-afternoon holy shot? Get a bathroom pass nigga. But while you?Ĵre busy praying, I?Ĵm about to ace this exam.

Great day in the morning!!

Thank you all for your expert opinions. Join us tomorrow for Day 3 of our illustrious competition to determine the JGT Enterprises Most Ignant Black Person of 2004 aswe bring Nelly into the fold!!!!

And remember, on January 14….VOTE OR DIE, BITCH!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, we here at Jackson G. Tickle(JGT) Enterprises would like to welcome you to the:

*drumroll*

First Annual Michael Jackson/Condoleeza Rice MostIgnant Black Person in America 2004 Pageant.

(flyer created by Jen AKA The.Damn.Diva)

*DJ Vanderbilt cueing Aretha Franklin’s “Chain ofFools”*

“Ch-ch Chaaaaaaaaaaaain/Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain of foooooooooools”

Hi, I’m Branson Calhoun, you may remember from such pageants as: Rap Music’s Most Eloquent Beatdown Pageant of 2004 and the Mr and Mrs. Shame It All, Damn You 2003 Pageant!!! I’ll be your host for this prestigious event. Welcome!!!

*applause*

As many of you know, the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s (‘48) birthday is coming up on January 15,2004. And what better way to commemorate a great man,than by exposing the Negroes who have not only impeded progress, but would have woke him up from that famous dream he had???? And in honor of the ignorance of black people everywhere, we thought it only fitting to name the award after two of the most consistently ignant black folks in existence, the one and only Michael Jackson AKA Peter Pan and the Queen herself, Condoleeza Rice-Bush. Can we please have a round of applause for our award’s namesakes????

*applause*

We’d also like to thank our sponsors Ignant Blackfolks Unlimited, LLC, Bringing Down the RaceIndustries, and BET (Black Entertainment Television) for their continued support and undying quest to provide the good folks at JGT Enterprises with information and firepower for their many endeavors.

*applause*

And last but not least, we here at JGT Enterprises would like to thank our panel of experts here as we do the best we can to determine who was 2004’s reigning, Most Ignant Black Person in America 2004. From left to right we have the illustrious Black Martha, Killa Cal from Water Under the Bridge, Raven from Expect.the.Unexpected, and Jen from The.Damn.Diva., as well as Panama Jackson from JGT Enterprises.

*applause*

In 2004, in America, black people made many strides. Hip-hop music continued to reign supreme as the most purchased and influential music genre, black fashion and culture remained the reason young white kids were being suspended from school on a daily basis. Puffy encouraged the youth and other rappers to “Vote or Die!” though most of them couldn’t because of jail records. Kanye West taught us that Jesus not only walks but is marketable if you just say his name over and over again on a hot beat.

The Detroit Pistons won the NBA Championship, and we all know Detroit is a black ass city. Ron Artest proved that promoting a horrible R&B group is as important as playing basketball for a living, and gave up $5.5 million worth of salary…and oh yeah Ricky Williams showed us that weed REALLY is the most important herb by saying”fuck you” to the NFL and was willing to bay back damn near $9 million dollars to prove a point.

Hmm…So maybe it wasn’t such a good year for black sports.

This just in…DANDELIONS IN THE PARKING GARAGE. Coming soon.

Either way, to go along with the wonderful accomplishments black folks were able to achieve in 2004, certain individuals did their part to make sure that black people didn’t make it too far. From the Omarosa’s to the Nas’s (yes I said it, “These Are Our Heroes (Coon Picnic)” was some fucked up non-sense), certain black people have made sure to leave their mark on history. We here at JGT Enterprises, along with our panel of Annoyed Ass Black Experts have decided that if you work hard at being a dickhead…you should be commemorated. And after careful consideration, it became apparent that there were a few people who have made EXTRA special attempts to be recognized!!!

Over the next five days, each individual who has been determined to be worthy of disdain and ill repute will get his chance to shine.The panel of experts will give their opinions and observations culminating with the day 5 (five) selection of the Most Ignant Black Person by you…yes YOU.

We need you, America and abroad, black, brown or white, to help us determine, who is indeed 2004’s Most Ignant Black Person in America!!!!

So without further ado…we present our first nominee…none other than….

Robert “R. Kelly” Kelly

KillaCal’s take on the PeePee King:

It’s amazing that such a talented song-writer with a gift for making catchy yet ridiculously simple songs/hooks is such a deplorable human being. I mean there are so many aspects of “wrong” with this guy. He couldn’t make it through a tour with Jay Z because ofwhat appears to be some type of delusional disorder, persecutory subtype (look at me using my new found psych training!!). He pisses on his sexual partners who for the most part are underaged or barely legal. He has exhibited Oedipal tendencies in interviews claiming to only like to drink from the part of his hot cocoa mug that his mother had placed her lips around to cool it off. In short, if Kells had the misfortune of having to deal with a psychiatrist at some point the odds are strong that he would be the Pied Piper of the Psyche Ward rather than R&B. But as luck would have it, his gifts won out.

Black Martha’s take on The Pissed Piper:

There was once a point in time where I was loving RKelly. After all, he has the best makeout songs, hands down. My earliest makeout sessions were to the tune of R Kelly. He even brought to light one of my favorite teen artists: Aaliyah. Then one day it all stopped and went down hill.

I guess it all started with Aaliyah. There were rumors that she had married him, but those rumors were quickly stifled (after a collective “Ew that’s gross” from the general public), and we all forgot about it. Aaliyah went on to work with other producers, and everything was chill. Then the sex tapes popped up and shit got hectic. This is where he truly began his run for Most IgnorantBlack Person in America, folks. He couldn’t just DENY the accusations. He couldn’t just be still, be quiet. No no no! He’s got to wear Zorro masks! He’s got to feel on Lil’ Kim’s booty! He’s got to become the Stepmusician of the world! He’s got to name himself THE PIED PIPER (the man known for manipulating children with his musical talent!)!! He even took a ride on the patriotism bandwagon right around 9/11. Remember? I know you remember.

The country was getting Patriotically Posessed and R Kelly thought it would be smart to throw himself into the mix. He began sporting American flags everywhere. In “The World’s Greatest”video he was sporting American flag shorts andgloves…whenever he performed the song he’d have larger than life American flags on stage with him. You remember the music video for “Snake” with Tigger and nem?? Rememebr the breakdown at the end, set in the middle of the desert where ALL OF A SUDDEN OUT OF NOWHERE A FLAG rolls out of the SKY? What did America have anything to do with ANYthing in the song OR video? Not a damn thing. Soon after, you may have peeped the video for “Soldier’s Heart,” a single he did in which the video was a humongous FLAG and he was wearing a motorcylce jacket with armed forces patches all over it. Yes, there was a time when he tried to milk that patriotism thing for what it was worth.

Now he’s trying to distract us with the smooke and mirrors of GOSPEL and STEP music. I didn’t really need to get my Gosel AND Step on in the same LP, Kelly. Really. And now that he’s going to concerts blaming phatom gunmen on his wack performances….it’s all suspect. The Greatest Rapper Alive was willing to put his name on the line for his punk ass and what did he do? He just shit on him. That ain’t right! R Kelly just may be the most ignorant black person in America because his attempts at creatiing smoke and mirrors have proven to be unsuccessful, and yet he believes these gimmicks will work.

We still know you touch the kids, Robert. You ain’t got ta lie!

Raven’s take on His Royal Strangeness:

So R. Smells…where do we begin. At first glance Kels really has no competition. You ask me who’s the most ignorantest of them all, I’m going with Kels everytime. You would think he wins by default because who else can get away with telling his woman she looks like a Jeep, fondle young girl children, vehemently deny said fondling although there is video-recorded evidence of said fondling on every highway exit ramp in all the ghettos (and some suburbs) across America and the West Indies, make a gospel album celebrating his redemption and yet somehow find time to pander sex to impressionable youth. You would think that was all the proof you needed to promote him to most ignorant black person in the universe. Not so. Since the rest of Black America has done such a good job of it, I’ll pretend like none of that ever happened.

R. Kelly wins for this and this alone: From the stage HE SAW SOMEONE FLASHING A GUN AT HIM FROM THE BLEACHERS OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN WHILE HE WAS PERFORMING.

The end.

Jen AKA The.Damn.Diva’s take on this ignant son of a bitch:

Arruh Kelly. The Peed Pi?ƒ?.excuse me, I meant The Pied Piper. Here?ƒ¥s my beef with the Arruh. I?ƒ¥m not mad that he likes to deliver golden chocolate factory showers. Or that he secretly wants to be the next Ron Jeremy.I?ƒ¥m not even mad that he?ƒ¥s managed to convince a large portion of the African American community to continue to support him and even give him Image Awards. Innocent until proven guilty and all that. What upsets me about the Arruh is that he still thinks it?ƒ¥s okay to refer to himself as The Pied Piper.

But the piper returns on a Sunday morning, when all the grown-ups are at church. Again he starts to play a tune on his flute. This time, all the children follow him, as he walks out of the gate to the mountains. Suddenly, a cave opens in the mountain. The piper walks into the mountain, still followed by the children, and the cave closes again. The children were never seen again in Hamelin.

I?ƒ¥m sure Robert Browning was NOT referring to ?ƒ?ThoiaThong?ƒ? when he spoke of flute playing. Negro, the Pied Piper is a fabled character that lures little children away. The children are never seen again. Your children(victims) are seen again live and in color to be distributed around the Internet. You are accused of child molestation. Connect the fucking dots and change your name.

Notice that the Piper steals the children away while all the grownups are at church. Perhaps Arruh could benefit from some church. Perhaps Arruh could benefit from some toilet paper. Perhaps Arruh could benefit from some common decency and a ?ƒ?Law & Order: Special Victims Unit?ƒ? marathon.

Pervert.

Panama’s take on the “R”:

R. Kelly, how do I hate thee??? Let me count the ways. Can somebody please help me understand how this ignant muthafucka WON’T go away. Maybe it says more about us than it does about him but I mean…really. This nigga pisses all over a 14 year old girl, then manages to go on TV with a pastor and basically convict himself (I know this happened last year, ask me if I give a fuck…PLEASE ASK ME!!!!) I mean nobody has convicted him/herself that bad since Whitney asked Diane Sawyer to come up with the receipt for her drugs, which subsequently showed up on the internet a few days later. But THIS nigga, AFTER getting busted STILL manages to have a bunch of child porn found at his home. R, can I ask you a question??? Thanks.

Are you fuckin’ stupid or something??

Why wouldn’t you REMOVE all the shit from your possession after being busted in 2003??? Then why in the hell would you attempt to make gospel music to save your soul JUST so we’d accept you. THEN, you fuck up one of the few good relationships you have left by pissing off Jay-Z (no pun intended)???? Jigga??? Got damn, how do you sabotage a whole fuckin’ tour??? It’s bad enough you produced a shitty album, you fucked up a tour too?? You happy big guy?? Are ya??? Are ya???

Heaven, you need a hug?????? Is that so??? You need to be burned with similac and a picture of Ashanti. Die bitch, die. Ignant yes…most ignant, not even possible.

Thank you.

Tune in tomorrow for the next nominee for the JGT Most Ignant Black Person in America 2004 Pageant!!! Alan Keyes. They need your support!!!

Friday (1/14/05) VOTE OR DIE, BITCH!!!!