Pride.
Everybody has it. Nobody wants to admit it.
Nobody wants to admit that their pride has gotten the best of them. We’d all rather give dumb ass excuses than admit that we need help or that we fucked up…pride, you see, is something like Starbucks…pride is evil. There’s a reason Jesus and ‘nem made it a deadly sin. If you are in the wrong neighborhood at the wrong time with the wrong amount of pride…you too can die. Hell, if you AREN’T in the wrong neighborhood, even if you are in a white neighborhood trying to find a parking space and somebody takes the spot you thought you had rightfully reserved by driving around and putting on your blinker, and you decide that this person disrespected you so you had to say something, then he said something, then you said something….pride is what stops you from saying “fuck it”….pride is why you got stabbed eight times with a rusty blade that the dude you THOUGHT was gonna back down had stowed away in his car just for a situation like this for a jackass like you during a time like this for anybody like you who wants to step to him.
Long sentence, huh?
Pride will stop a man from admitting he’s wrong, or even being able to see the wrong he has done. Pride will stop a woman from admitting how she feels about a dude she’s head over heels in love with. Pride (and his boys) will stop that man from committing to his woman of two years. Pride will…hell, you get the point. Pride will make you act like you have no sense and not allow people to see that you are really a rational thinking person. Essentially…pride will get you into trouble. But there is one situation that pride will get you into that nobody is prepared for, and I mean nobody. So today, out of the kindness of my heart…I decided to help everybody get ready for this situation that can arise in today’s politically charged climate…because you see…
…pride will get you into a fight with a midget.
Let that marinate for a second. I’ll wait.
(*humming “Chariots of Fire”* I love that song.)
You might be wondering what in the hell I’m talking about. Well your in luck! I’m going to explain it. You see, over this recent Thanksgiving break, I happened upon MTV’s fake ass reality show Laguna Beach. I know…there really is no reason for a grown ass black man to be watching Laguna Beach…but you’re wrong! Seeing all of these goofy rich white kids with these problems that the rest of us would give a lung to have is really entertaining. It makes you realize that there really are people who aren’t prepared for the real world, but will make it because they have money. As Carmen said on her blog, it’s great to be rich and white. Life just gets no better than that. It can’t.
But I digress.
Anyway, on one episode, these two chicks (I can’t remember thier names) were walking towards their car in the parking lot of some place I’ll never be able to afford to even look at, and a midget said something to the effect of, “Hey you sluts…get your asses over here.” Something like that. Now most people can agree that this is inappropriate, ESPECIALLY for a midget.
[***Sidenote: It is my opionion, that midgets should operate under short people rules. What are short people rules?? Glad you asked. Short people rules state that if you are a man and under 5'5", you must be nice at all times or people won't like you. It's true, I'm sorry. I didn't write the manual. Really, if you are short, there is no reason to be mean, you already have one strike against you, being a dickhead just legitimizes the reason to never even speak to you...ya know, assuming I don't trip over you and have to say either "I'm sorry" or "Excuse me". Mean short people are the rue of the Earth. Don't you just want to kick them in the jaw since you can actually do it??? Would anybody be mad if I kicked a midget in the head if he cursed me out?? Since I've clearly lost my point, if you are mean and short...you are evil. And yes this applies to men, and midget women. Short women are okay. I might have offended somebody. Fuck you.***]
But what followed is what made me realize that pride will get you into a fight with a midget. See, a male friend of the two girls decided that he would stick up for the girls. A noble cause, even if he was basically stepping to a man half his size. So they begin to shout at one another and I realized…he needs to quit before he gets into a fight with that midget. That’s a bad idea, people. For the record, getting into a fight with a midget is a lose-lose situation. Period. But I’ll get to that in a second.
It’s sad to say that if you are ever confronted by a midget, you will talk shit. I mean its a midget right?? You will be compelled to use all the short jokes you have stocked up in your memory. And you won’t stop either. You know why?? Because its a midget. If it was a normal heighted person, you might consider walking away because most rational people pick their fights wisely. You size up the individual and determine how far you are going to take this. Face it, nobody wants to take an asswhipping if they don’t at least think they have a chance of winning. However, in the case of a midget, you will ALWAYS think you have a chance at winning. This is fucked up logic. What’s worse than that is you assume the midget would do the same thing, and should back down because you are bigger. However, he doesn’t. You see, you and he have both entered into the realm of…
…pride.
Your pride won’t let you back down because he’s a midget. His pride won’t let him back down because you aren’t a midget and he’d love the chance to beat the shit out of a bitch like you. Ladies and gentlemen…this is going to end badly. For you. The midget on the other hand has all the advantages in the world. So let’s break down the possible scenarios.
Scenario 1: Napolean vs. Europe
You and midget fight. You win. Do you get kudos? NO. Dude, you beat up a midget. You were supposed to win. It aint like you fought Tyson. Who the hell is gonna give you props for beating up a midget? If it’s your girl, she’s a bad person and should be run over with your Hummer (since you are rich and shit and live on Laguna Beach). She will get your ass in other fucked up situations that you will inevitably lose. She’s the broad that will start talking shit to that big ass cat in the club and come and get you and expect you to fight for her honor. Basically, kicko, you just might die dealing with this chick.
Scenario 2: David vs. Goliath
You and midget fight. He win’s. You’re pride has just caused you to get your ass whipped by a man who will run this story in the Midget Heights (that’s funny) Times with a picture of you with the byline 
avid Whips Goliath’s ASS. Your friends will laugh at you. Your girl will leave you. Your parents will laugh at you. You will become the laughing stock of everybody that knows you forcing you to have to move away to the slums of say…Beverly Hills or some shit because you have been excommunicated…and why, because you, you prideful bitch, allowed yourself to get beat down by a midget. And kiddo, IT CAN HAPPEN.
What with all the advancements in drugs nowadays, midgets are strong as hell. Basically, one should never fight a midget. You know why? If the midget loses, nobody cares, the big bad tall person was picking on him. And he probably rolls with bigger people anyway who might whip your ass. If he wins, he gets the confidence to talk more shit to grown people ultimately ending up in the death of said midget because he talked shit to the wrong tall person who couldn’t care less about his height and would slap his own momma for the right price.
Okay, so maybe that ending isn’t so good for the midget. But you get the point. He wins if you fight, no matter the outcome. You lose if you fight, no matter the outcome. So what is the solution to this problem? I’m glad you asked since I know you’ve always wondered what to do if midget stepped up to you.
Well, quite simply…you’d better hope somebody breaks that shit up. Rather, that somebody pulls you away from the potential fight. See, nobody is going to stop the midget from talking shit and instigating. You know why??? Because we all root for the underdog. The second you two started trading barbs, everybody wanted the midget to whip your ass because they felt you were picking on the little guy. Poor little vertically challenged fucker! What did he ever do to you????
So, you had better hope one of your boys doesn’t believe in violence and pulls you away from the fray. That way you can talk shit about what you would have done without having the shame of being the one cat who actually fought a midget. Your pride is okay at that point because you can tell stories of how you would have whipped a midget’s ass. Your boys will have a story to laugh at and joke with you about how you would have lost. You can all have a hearty laugh. Yes I said hearty.
And do you know why you have to go through all of these motions? Pride. That one emotion that causes us to do dumb shit for people who couldn’t care less about us in the first place. Pride my friend, will get you fucked up. Pride…
…will get you into a fight with a midget.