Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

First things first…Happy New Year. May everybody have much success, much love, and all the Kool-Aid and happiness your heart desires.

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It’s been a minute since I’ve posted. Well its gonna be a minute more due to employment, vacations, New York City, Huntsville, AL, fucked up airlines and cancellations, snow storms in Ohio, Tsunami’s in Asia (some of the saddest news I’ve heard ever), and head colds and just all around sickness….

…a muhfucka been out of commission. But I’ll be back soon….ready and prepared for 2005. Thanks for the sleepwalking with the kid!!!!

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I currently have an article/editorial up at Allhiphop.com called Gettin’ Grown. It’s a rehash of something I wrote here a long time ago, but hell, it’s up. Enjoy!

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And finally…in 2005…

…look out for….

DANDELIONS IN THE PARKING GARAGE: The Movement (Coming to DC in 2005!)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

First things first, we here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises would like to send our sincerest holiday greetings to you and yours. So from the CEO, Panama D. Jackson, on down to our mailroom clerk, Jocephacus Absalom al-Amin, we’d like to wish everybody a…

Merry Christmahanukwanzaaka!

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Relationships are a funny thing. I’m of the school of thought that the way you get together is a clear indicator of how the relationship will evolve or dissolve. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Like say, you get together because the dude left his girl for you. Well, this bodes badly for the future. To borrow a sense from the Common Sense Handbook for Dummies, if he would leave his girl for you, he might leave you for another girl. Now there is of course the twist in there…like say you don’t know he had a girl. Well, in that case, fuck it…you’re relationship will last forever. You know why??? A relationship built on one faithful believer and one who provides you with what you want to hear is called…

…religion, and that’s lasted eons.

However, that has nothing to do with shit I plan on talking about. In my last post, I mentioned how a young woman, beckoned me to a mall in Atlanta to profess her love for me (that sounded so poetic didn’t it?) and my reaction which was “thanks” and an exit, stage left. For this I was told that I was cold-blooded, by more than a few people. And to that I say….

…y’all muhfuckas are full of shit (in a funny kind of way, cuz I thought it was funny myself).

Let’s break this down so that it can and shall forever be broke. Shall we? Yes, let’s. Under NO circumstance should you EVER call some dude you DON’T know to a place to tell him you love him, and expect him to be okay with this. Well, with a dude it might not be so bad. Normally, men are up for adventures so if she’s fine enough we might just say to hell with it and see what happens. Though, that’s how some people end up duct-taped in rooms with one light and a butch Slovakian chick named Helga asking questions about what makes Ron Artest (he had to make it in here somehow, he just had to!) a TruWarier and when did America decide that Warrior should be spelled differently?? Are we a new breed??? Are we??

(*looking around at confused stares*)

Ahem.

But let’s look at this from a female standpoint. Ladies?!

(*screaming “yeah”*)

If some man you barely knew, and had only talked to MAYBE twice in your life, decided to call you of the blue, a year after the last time you had talked, and asked you to meet him somewhere? What would you do?? Yes, you with the bad Lil Kim costume on in front. Oh shit, my bad, Lil Kim…how’s your breathing by the way??? Anyway, what would you do Lil’ Kim???

“I’d be like ewwwwwwww, I don’t eeen know you like that so hell to the naw.”

Right. Nobody would go. Now snap back to reality, what did I do?? I decided to go. Why?? No idea. I just assume I like adventure. Now I’d be lying if I had NO clue as to what was gonna go down. I’m not naive like that. I figured she had something she needed to get off of her chest and I almost think it would be kind of messed up to not let her have that opportunity. My thinking is that she needed to do one of two things:

1. At least take her shot and see what happens. I’ll admit, I have to admire her for that. I had a chick thru 3 years of undergrad that I had the biggest crush on but never got up the nerve to even speak to her. Ironically, I met her later but thats neither here nor there.
2. Get closure. Folks need closure in their life for some reason. Get it off of her chest, if he says no, then at least she tried, and she doesn’t have to go thru life thinking about what could have been.

Both very admirable chances she’s taking. You could learn a lot from a dummy. She put her ass on the line. The problem with putting your ass on the line with a dude you NEVER speak to is that you have NO idea what to expect. Also, the story didn’t exactly end so abruptly as was stated for length purposes, so let me finish of the story as close to accurately as possible.

Said woman approaches the table I’m sitting at and says, can we take a walk. I oblige. She says, Panama (well actually she said my real name…but you get the point…you’re smart right?? Right?? Why do I ask questions twice? Why do I ask questions twice?? Not sure.), I called you here to tell you that I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you yada yada yada…I needed to get it off my chest yada yada yada.

Stop. Let me tell you what’s going on in my mind at this moment.

Panama Pontificating: Wow, she really did this, she’s got some big cajones. Hmm, dammit, though I knew this I have no idea what to say about all of this. I mean how do you be nice about this when you aren’t interested, at all??? I don’t know if I should go and eat with her or something to be nice, or is that patronizing?? I mean I have no intention of trying to talk to this woman…dammit, did I get those signatures so I can graduate?? Is that one of the chicks from Destiny’s Child that got kicked out walking this way??? Damn, she’s shorter than I thought…cute though…why am I here again?? Oh right, this girl in front of me…shit, looks like she’s wrapping up the speech…

At this point, she’s nearly done. After running through what I should do in my mind, and I was nervous, I told her “Thanks.” See the thing is, even after all of that thinking, I was still unsure what to do, this is something I needed to process because I couldn’t understand how somebody who doesn’t KNOW me is in love with me. I could be the biggest jackass she’s ever met, right??? But, two things were working against me ever trying to understand.

1. I was head over heels in love with somebody else at this point. Was the chick my girlfriend?? No. But she had me OPEN. That ended badly. D’oh well.
2. I was graduating and moving to DC in a few weeks. Why chance getting to know somebody (and this might seem like dumb logic to people, but kiss my ass) that might turn out to be wonderful, ONLY to have to leave right away and try to maintain some long distance communication, etc.

I opted to just leave it alone. She said she wasn’t expecting anything, and maybe she wasn’t, but just needed closure. She went her way, I went mine. The end.

Now…for the analysis and why I wasn’t coldblooded and hence, why folks that think I am are full of shit. This is the ultimate in awkward. NOBODY is going to do the best possible thing in that situation? What’s that mind you??? Jackslap the person, run, and hope they hate you. That way they aren’t in love anymore, and you can leave with a free conscience!! (Made NO sense at all did it?? Did it??)

I really thought this shit out as to what I was gonna do and ended up STILL not being prepared to tell somebody who clearly put their heart, soul, and being, on the line that I was flattered but not interested. To me that would have been even worse. I think for saying…naw, not interested, I would have been coldblooded. For going out with her just to do it, knowing full well that a) I was only doing it to hopefully make her happy and basically be patronizing her, and b) I would have been thinking about somebody else the whole time, would have been cold-blooded.

Basically, I would have been nice to her (which is easy) to hopefully make her smile so she doesn’t feel bad or embarassed for basically putting her heart out there to be kicked around and stepped on. Thing is, a lot of women (GENERALIZATION ALERT! GENERALIZAITON ALERT!) see a man’s niceness and assume that he might actually be interested. And with the Male Market being shitty as its been lately, I can understand the need to jump on a good man if you see one. However, why risk it from my end?? I know that I wasn’t going to give her anything else…in my mind at the time, I was taken.

Quick aside here. Panama fell hard as hell for a woman who basically played him for something like 9 months…only to find out she was talking to somebody else, yet allowing me to feel like I was “that dude.” Only, to finally come around and decide that I was worthy of her time. See what I mean about starting badly??? I didn’t see it at the time, i was just so happy to have her…but that shit went downhill…badly. And it ended in a manner that can be deemed cold-blooded. Karma, is a bitch.

To me, it’s more cold-blooded to not catch somebody when you see them falling for you, to let them just fall in love with you, or to basically make them believe they have a shot when they don’t. And she was already gone in some sense…so for me, the best option I could pull out in 30 seconds was to just say thanks and I appreciate it…and let us both go about our way…

Cold-blooded, naw. I was cold-blooded for telling a chick that was feeling me in 8th Grade that her breath stank and offering her a roll of Certs in front of everybody at a party. THAT was fucked up.

But here…I had a heart…or at least tried too. I mean I still think about that situation sometimes, and its still funny to me for the simple fact that I went along with it and that it really is just ONE of the situations that have happened to me. Hell, I’ve been proposed to twice. In REAL life. Shit like this, upon looking back, is funny as hell. But that one time, I tried to do what I thought was right, and maybe I didn’t do it as well as I could have, but I had a good minute of reaction time to come up with something, and I did my best…

…and tried NOT to be cold-blooded.

****This has been an exclusive and personal look into the mind of Panama Jackson and matters of the heart. Shit won’t happen often.***

***THIS IS SOME LONG SHIT. Y’ALL ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS.***

I, Panama Dontavious Jackson, do swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me The Big Guy/Gal Upstairs.

Without further ado:

Martha asked a black man (and rather facetiously mind you):

1. Is Panama your real name?
No Panama, is not my real name. If folks knew my real name I might get Googled, stalked, and my body could be found laying on the side of the road somewhere in some state that might not really exist, like say…West Virginia. Like for real, how many people actually KNOW somebody from West Virginia. And plus, I work for the government and make inflammatory comments about any and everybody…I’m not trying to get sued here. And since I’m a good sport…fuck Starbucks (this actually presents a problem for me in a later question from somebody else).

2. Do you have a girlfriend?
Nope, single as they come. Though it’s been a good week for marriage proposals.

3. Will you marry me?
See, what I mean??

Sivad asked a black man:

1)How’d you come up with the names? Panama and Jackson G. Tickle? Or do they have some meaning, if so what is it?
The name Panama (Jackson) has a few foundations. For one, I was actually born in Panama. I’m not of Panamanian nationality or ethnicity, I’m a military brat. My dad is a black man from Alabama, and my mother is a white lady from France. However, Panama Jack(son) was donned on me by one my compadres. Quick story: During senior week in 2001, Morehouse and Spelman had the Lake Lanier day, well while trying to gain entrance to the park me and my boys walked past the entrance…rather than walk ALL the way back like everybody else, I just went straight through all the thick bushes and trees and stuff and acting somewhat safari-ish, compelling one of my boys to question, “Who the hell are you, Panama Jack????” I was like, “Naw, brother, I’m black…make that Panama JackSON.” A star was born.

As far as Jackson G. Tickle. There’s this pimp website where you can type in your name and it will give you your “pimp” handle. I typed in Panama Jackson and it gave me back: G. Digital Jackson Tickle. Well since that sounds dumb as hell, I remixed it and got the name of my company, Jackson G. Tickle. This was all way before I even thought about blogging mind you. I’m just sexxy like that.

Damn that was a long answer.

2)Since you don’t like Beyonce or E. Badu, but apparently you do like Halle Berry, it seems to me that you don’t like smart women who know how to get and keep what they want until it’s time to let it go. I mean, I know Beyonce’s not getting in MENSA anytime soon, but come on, isn’t she smarter than Halle? And certifiably less crazy? You’ve seen all her movies right? And I know you watch the news, and yeah Halle is beautiful, but…
Well, ACTUALLY, I’m very fond of both Beyonce and Erykah Badu. Which is basically why I wrote posts praising them. I was hatin’ (you’re right Diva) on other people complaining about Beyonce cuz I think she’s worthy of praise. And E. Badu, in my post I said I’ve had a crush on her for the past 6 years. She is the quintessential woman. Halle is just fine. Not sure I’d really want her or anything, but invested time into my feelings for Halle and I just think she needs a nice broke man to remind her where she came from…but for real, I WANT a smart woman. Dumb chicks annoy the living shit out of me. Especially ones that don’t realize their own value. A woman that doesn’t know her own worth…well, that just’s grounds for a dismissal. And about MENSA…you’re right…Beyonce probably won’t be there anytime soon…

3)So tell us what kind qualities in women you do appreciate.
The qualities I appreciate in a woman…hmmm. Well, I love smart women with opinions that like to debate. I’m a debater by nature. Fuck a resolution, let’s argue about the problem. I like women who smile a lot. People that smile a lot, to me anyway, tend to be happier about themselves, and since that’s what’s most important in life…fuck it, be happy cuz I am. I’m too positive to be around negative people. Kind of like Positive K, only…not at all. Well rounded, grounded, cool, fun…basically, a woman who has her head on straight but is humble enough to realize that shit can go wrong at any moment. And she HAS to be into music…I’ll die before I date another woman who isn’t into music, its like a my Death Certificate, which is a good album by the way.

The.Damn.Diva. (who cannot read good) asked a black man:

1.If you could be any toe, which one would you be and why?
Big toe. If you gonna do something, do it way Big. House real big, cars real big, belly real big (not true here, I’m more like the slim thugger), everything real big…get it??

2. Mexican pizza or Nacho Bell Grande?
Mexican pizza…what else would you get in Mexico?

3. What’s your favorite word?
Spottieootiedopalicious, my most USED word might be “sweet” or “dude”

4. Did you really think I was going to follow directions and limit myself to 3 questions?
Of course not, you’ve given me no reason to ever believe you follow directions.

5. Alicia or Beyonce?
Evil you are little one…pure evil.

6. Don’t you just love me! (oops “?”)
“Does a bear take a shit in the forest and use a furry bunny rabbit to wipe his ass???”-Tupac Shakur, “What’s Your Phone Number?”, All Eyez On Me

Edwidge asked a black man:

1) When are you organizing the DC urea bloggers Happy Hour?
Hmmm…not sure, but I guess this is something that the good folks at PDJakes Promotions (a subsidiary of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises) might have to look into. Could be fun…

2) Do you believe in polygamy?
I believe the children are our future, and not really.

3) If you answered yes to #2 will you Marry me also even though Martha asked you first?
Well since Martha wasn’t even being serious (at least not til she’s 28), yeah, we can go ahead and tie the knot. UPDATE: Well, we COULD HAVE tied the knot until I went to your site and saw that you are a frequent co-conspirator with Starbucks. You have no idea how much my heart dropped when I read your Crackacino post. I’m in pain…I was all set to get the nuptuals in order, then WHAM!!! All this AFTER telling Kajuana how great you are. It’s a shame really…

The.Damn.Diva (who continuously proves that she cannot read good) asked a black man again:

7. Can I ask another question?
Kinda already did didn’t ya??? Didn’t ya???

8. Damn, nigga do you have the magic stick?
Yes I do. David Blaine aint the only magician who gets rave reviews.

9. Multiple marriage proposals…the fuck?
And this is a slow week (just kidding)…but hey, I’m flattered.

MsTee asked a black man:

1) What was one thing that you realized about yourself recently which suprised you?
Hmm…damn girl, you DO ask good questions. I realized that I don’t care for meaningful R&B music anymore, I prefer the ghetto/gritty stuff. It’s how I came to the conclusion that the Teedra Moses CD which I slammed in a previous post is actually a DAMN GOOD CD. As a champion of good quality music, this surprised the living shit out of me. Of course its a matter of convenience, since none of the R&B that comes out nowadays is meaningful or good anyway, but still, it shocked me nonetheless.

2) Was there ever a time when you felt divided between the races because you are bi-racial? Do you celebrate both races or do you deny one?
Actually, never once in my life have I felt divided about this. I guess its mostly because I was raised by my black father and black step-mother, and because my dad told me early on that, Panama, you’re mother is white, love her, embrace her and who you are, but you’re black, nigga. I don’t really deny any part though I’ve gotten into NUMEROUS arguments behind this. My mixed friends say I don’t celebrate my white side enough, or rather that by saying that I’m black I’m denying my mother. Truth is, I didn’t really ever get a choice in this matter. You can’t tell I’m mixed by looking at me, so you’d just assume I was black, which means I get treated/talked to/embraced by certain folks, like I’m black. My mother and family knows I love them, very much so, but outside of them folks are confused. I’ll tell you I’m mixed in a heartbeat, if you ask. Thing is, the shit never comes up, cuz I look like a regular old lightskinneded black dude. But to answer your question, no I guess I don’t celebrate my white side. Really, I wouldn’t even know how. I’ve been black all my life. I do listen to a lot of alternative music though, does that count???? And I love Friends and Seinfeld!!!!

3) Which is more important to you, your time or your body?
My time. Being as though I’m so damn sexxy, you’d think I’m one of them pretty boys who’s concerned about his body and appearance and all that. And though I try to look good and what not, the game don’t wait and neither does time. I feel like I have a limited amount of time here to get as much done as possible and reach as many people as possible. And not limited in the sense of I’ll die one day, but limited in the sense of (this is morbid) but I’ve always felt like I might die young. Not sure why. But I feel like I need to make somebody else’s life better before I go…so time is WAY more important. Plus think about it, if I go young…I’ll still be sexxy in Heaven! Plus I HATE being late. HATE HATE HATE IT. When I say, 10pm, I will be there at 945pm just to make sure I’m not late. I hate late folks. People take time for granted…

Boogs asked a black man:

1) Why do you think Oprah and Stedman haven’t gotten married yet (I’m mostly interested in your take on Oprah’s logic regarding this, not Stedman’s)?
I think Oprah’s logic stems cleary from a guest she had on her show. She’s not that into him. She just keeps him around cuz she doesn’t feel like meeting any new men who will only want her for her money. Stedman’s been around since she only had a few million. Now she is worth a billion. But she just doesn’t think he’s marriage material, plus she’s too busy. And the most important, Stedman has publicly bitched himself for the past umpteen years even becoming referred to as Mr. Winfrey. She don’t want no weak man. You fuck those, you don’t marry them.

2) Do you think Kiramo will continue dating women (even though he has supposed his homosexual life to the “Re.al W.orld”)?
I don’t know. You see, the celebrity factor might allow him to do such, but I don’t understand why any chick would want to date him after seeing the show, aside from his looks. He seems so…bitchmade…to me. After seeing his man-on-man action in the club, I can’t see how any woman wouldn’t be turned off. It was the visual confirmation of the fact you didn’t want to believe.

3) What’s your most memorable romantic (by the definition of romatic) experience (need I say with a woman…I don’t think I really need to say that, but people do all types of strange things with animals and blow up dolls nowadays…oh, and the woman can’t be your mama either)?
Since my last experiment with an animal went all wrong, I’ll stick to the woman. And I see you’re trying to pull my punk card here. I’m not sure though. I’m a hopeless romantic by nature, which means I believe and all that, and I also express myself a lot (which I hate about myself). So I’ve done the flowers leading up the door with a litte note just to say “I’m thinking of you” or bringing flowers to a doorstep at 5am just so a chick would wake up to flowers kind of stuff. Nothing stands out though, sad to say. I do a lot of little “romantic” shit, like slip my chick notes under the dinner table while we are out with folks while folks see us laughing and shit and wonder whats going on…damn I’m a punk. I’ll have to think more on this one. And of course, all of this assumes I’m really feeling the woman.

Kashata asked a black man:

Is Star jones husband ever going to come out the closet?
Hell no, why would he. He’s got a rich wife now that can’t even believe she’s actually married. If I was him (which I’m not GLADLY), I’d just tell her cuz she aint leaving him anyway, and go fuck NFL players.

Do you think that it will stop snowing sometime this week?
Not sure where you are, but it hasn’t even STARTED snowing here in DC. So…YES!!!

Can you Panama,drop it like it’s hot?
Hell yeah I can. Little known Panama fact. I used to want to be a backup dancer for Usher. I know, it sounds a little gay, but for real, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t think I could pull it off. I can choreograph and do all that stuff. Yeah Panama, has that rhythm. I think its cuz I’m mixed personally. Why??? Well since I can’t jump for shit and there are MANY people my height and shorter than me who can dunk (I’m 5’11″), I just got a shitload of rhythm. I live inside the beat and will take any chick that wants to test me…DOWN. Y’all ain’t ready.

Nikilovely asked a black man:

1. What is your quirkiest habit?
Hmm…actually trying to understand stupid people. I make valiant efforts and attempts to dissect dumb people arguments.

2. Are you right brained of left brained? Would you prefer to be either? Why?
I think I’m kind of both. See, I’m ambidextrious. I love science and math, and numbers are my friend (except when I’m at work, where I crunch numbers ALL day and it annoys me), but I love music and the arts, and love to write (poetry, lyrics) what have you. So it’s like I have a balance or something. Creative Nerditivity. Though I do think I could use more right-brained appreciation sometimes. Like I have no real appreciation for paintings and shit, like who cares if its impressionist or realist…does the bitch look good????

3. What is the funniest experience you’ve ever had?
Well this is something that makes some folks I know laugh, and usually gets chalked up as a day in the life of Panama Jackson. Apparently, there was this chick that went to high school with me that had this super duper crush on me. I never spoke to her, or hell even knew her. She was two years younger than me. Well, I graduated and went to Morehouse. Apparently (since a friend of hers went to my church and told me this) she came to Spelman in pursuit of me. Well, I saw her one day, and recognized her, went to speak to her, got her number, and we talked on the phone like twice…maybe. That was my junior year. My senior year flows by and like two weeks before I graduate, I get a call from her. She’s like, meet me at Lenox Mall (famous mall in Atlanta). It was a strange call since I hadn’t talked to her in over a year, and also because I didn’t know who it was. So what does Panama do? Goes to the mall anyway. So she walks up to me in the mall (it did finally dawn on me who called) and proceeds to tell me that she’s been in love with me since the first time she ever saw me (like 6 years prior). So what does Panama do…he says “thanks.” Then walks away. Curtains down. Wonder what happened to her?? Though I would like to say that if she came to Spelman b/c of me, then I’m responsible for her success in life!!! (Assuming she is successful!) But my friends got a good laugh at that shit…or of a chick I met online coming to find me in Atlanta (she was from OUT OF STATE…like in Florida). Most of my funny stories involve women…

The Killa Cal asked a black man:

1) What was your single funniest Morehouse story/memory?
Shit, sometime during freshman year, me, Daniel Johnson (G.O.L.D. Machete AKA Dan Johns), Adrian, Cade, and a bunch of chicks from Clark were out on the Strip at like 11pm. We are all sitting outside talking when out of nowhere this dude (corny ass cat from Morehouse as we would soon find out) walks up and sits down with us. Everybody was confused but fuck it…we’re in college right??? Shit happens. Well, we’re having the requisite relationship/men only want one thing convo, when this nigga chimes in, “I only want one thing from a woman…friendship.” We all got up and moved our conversation down two benches and fell the fuck out laughing.

A close second would be the time I almost saw the dude from Stegalls stab somebody for not having correct change for their wings.

2) How much longer do you see yourself living in D.C.?
Not too much longer, I don’t really like it here. In fact, I’m trying to move to NY next summer (we’ll see if it happens though).

3) What do you think your perfect job/career would be (salary and lifestyle being a non-factor)?
I want to be the dude who finds the appropriate music for black movies. I swear, the only movie I’ve seen where the background music for all of the scenes was perfect was Brown Sugar, and maybe Love Jones. I’d also like to be the dude in charge of firing everybody at BET, rehiring the whole staff and turning BET into a respectable entertainment venue. I’d especially like to fire AJ and Free. And Tiffany. And anybody else who works there. I also think I’d be a great A&R for a label, because I love music and feel like I have a good ear for it.

My boy Big Daddy Gibson asks a black man:

1. Reasonable Doubt or Illmatic? (I won’t even ask the natural follow up, for I know you well enough to know that you gonna drop a disquisition on the topic w/o me asking anything further.)
Reasonable Doubt. For those that don’t keep up with music and know what’s being referred too, its the debut album from Jay-Z versus the debut album from Nas. Reasonable Doubt was just better to me. Lyrically, they are about on par with one another, but RD was longer and it has one of my favorite rap songs of all time on it. Can I Live?? Also, there really isn’t one song on that CD that I don’t like. I don’t care for One Love off of Illmatic. RD trumps Illmatic.

2. Out of all the chics (no disrespect ladies) droppin’ marriage proposals, which one gonna be your date at my wedding so they can peep you lookin’ stunningly debonair as one of my groomsmen?
I have no clue. I did get hit up a few times by women who couldn’t give a shit about me but who do want to go to a wedding.

3. When you gonna get to it on that book so I can quit my job and become Bentley to your P.Diddy?
Soon my brother soon. And you don’t want to be Bentley…you can be Biggie, except you won’t die in LA for no good reason, henceforth robbing the world of somebody that people loved as an artist and person, myself included.

BK lick shots for Big Poppa in heaven!!! We’ll always love Big Poppa.

4. ‘stunningly debonair’? damn, ’cause they don’t know how fine my woman is, they might think i’m on some j.l. king shit huh?
She is fine. No diggety, no doubt there.

5. these folks don’t know that your whole crew the take- home-to-momma-types huh?
They ain’t ready. Shit I got put on reserve status by one chick I know. She told me, okay, I need to bring a dude home to meet my parents so they think I don’t date losers. Could you come??

6. why i be braggin to folks you don’t know about your skills?
LOL…cuz you my boy like that.

Somebody Who Knows Me asked a black man:

1. Have you ever had to choose between your “boy” and your “lady”, what did you choose, and why?
I have never had to make a choice like that. I do remember that one of my girlfriends asked me one time if it was between her and my boy, who would have to go??? I told her it would be her. Women come and go, your boys…that’s forever. Clearly she didn’t like my answer. She proved my point about a year after that conversation. She had to go.

2. Although I love you…. Can you hook me up w/ one of the crew???
Not sure…I need some credentials. I roll with Top Flight dudes who will be running the world in a few years. Can’t have nobody on the squad just because.

Carrie asked a black man:

1. How/why did you get started in blogging?
I got started blogging because I like to talk and I spent so much time reading other folks blogs I’m like fuck it, why don’t I do this. Also, Martha, spent a little bit of time trying to persuade me to do this, as did my boy Killa Cal. Basically I did it cuz I have a lot to say and the rest of these muhfuckas got blogs…I should have one too.

2. What do you think is the most interesting thing about blogging and/or the blogosphere?
It’s so damn fun. Blogging is some fun shit. Especially considering the reactions and comments I’ve received behind it. I love it. And the blogosphere is like the club. I’ve met so many folks behind this shit its astounding. Even got some writing jobs thru this. That is the most interesting. Some shit I started doing 6 months ago on a whim has turned into something that might become my actual career.

3. Name three bloggers you must read everyday.
That’s too hard. That blogroll list of blogs on my site, well, literally, everyday, I go through the whole thing. I damn near have to read ALL of them. Even the ones of muhfuckas who update during every solar eclipse like:

Raven, The.Damn.Diva., Cos, OJ, Shan, G. Cornelius, D. Young, Boogs (from time to time she gets on her shit), and Carmen, and Panama Jackson cuz I’ve been slacking lately

Hate to call folks out…

Thanks for all of the questions in this first edition of Ask a Black Man.

*EDIT*

The.Damn.Diva. who refuses to be outquestioned and STILL can’t read good asked a black man for the umpteenth time:

10. Oh you thought it was a game?
Clearly, it’s not. LOL. Do you think its a game man?? Do you think I’m fuckin’ JOKIN’ man???

11. You thought I was going to be out-questioned?
Never in a million years…

12. You thought wrong huh?
Damn you…

13. What is the most appealing trait to find in a woman?
A woman who likes music as much as I do, and can actually expose me to some shit. I’d be damn near a goner.

14. The most difficult to find?
See the most appealing trait. Or a fine ass woman who is still so down to earth you almost think she’s putting on a show. For some reason, fine women that know they are fine, don’t seem to care about being “real” people. Or a woman who loves a good argument as much as I do…as long as its all in fun. Nothing where we get up hating eachother.

There has been a severe misjustice done. And clearly a lot of misinformation was tossed my way. So today, I’m getting personal. No, not in the personal attack kind of way, moreso in the:

Panama, why the shit haven’t you updated?

It’s strange that people ask me this. This whole blog world is strange if you ask me. I’ve met so many people through this blog. Shit is like the new club. You’ve got to love technology these days don’t you??? Anyway, to answer the above question regarding why I’m not updating so frequently involves the one thing that I swore in life I’d never allow to distract me…

…work.

I know strange right?? Most people’s biggest distraction is work. However, me, myself, and I, are not really big fans of employment or even inclined to do this work thing too long. Have I any clue as to what I’ll do instead?? I haven’t the foggiest. I’d just like to be able to do something that taps into my creative side. (Don’t you hate when folks say that shit but can’t really tell you what their creative side entails??? Like do you paint? Shit, do you read really well?? What muhfucka what???) Me personally, I plan on writing a book then hitting up talk show after talk show until one day I meet Halle Berry then sweep her off of her feet and she’ll let ME move into her new Malibu home instead of that got damn Micheal Ealy. That dude…

Hell, I’ve lost my point.

Back to work and the misinformation and injustice. So for those people not inclined to do “real” work and are more inclined to sit around and not do shit, there is one place that is often recommended. The Government. The Muhfuckin’ Man. Uncle Sam. By working for the government, you are basically supposed to be present when needed to be present and do work that can be neatly and quickly put together in something like, hell I don’t know, 15 minutes. That’s a whole presentation.

Clearly I’m not talking about high levels of government, I’m just talking about regular jobs. What do we call them here??? Oh yeah…Analysts. On Wall Street, analysts analyze for long hours and have high stakes. Essentially these folks can be fired. I think the only way to get fired from the government is to have somebody show up with a proven CIA authenticated picture of you hanging out with Osama Bin Laden at a Kwanzaa party in either Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan. Everybody knows you can’t get fired working for the government. Hell, its why you work for the government for lower wages than Wall Street. Job security, benefits, and low work output. Basically, its a lazy persons dream.

Hmm…I’m a lazy person.

And being as how I’m located in Washington, DC, I myself have taken up a job with the Muhfuckin’ Man (who affectionately goes by Starbucks on some occasions). So it was my assumption that I’d basically just show up…do a little here a little there for my performance reviews and call it a day right?? Right??? I get a “B” just for showing up! Right??? Right???

Wrong. Do you know that I’ve been at work for the last 10 days straight?? Yes mi compadres. That doth include Saturday and Sunday. I’ve pulled two 12 hour days and one 16 hour day. This on top of the 9-10 hour days I have been pulling as of late. This makes no sense to me…do you know why???? Not sure…let me remind you…

I WORK FOR THE GOT DAMN GOVERNMENT!

Lawyers work long ass hours. Wall Street business types work long ass hours. Shit…even prostitutes have long hours. Le Government…8 hours, muhfuckin’ TOPS. I should never have to question when I’m leaving the office. But no…for the past two weeks…Panama D. Jackson…has had no EFFIN clue dude. I ain’t sign up for this shit.

I signed up for a few years of paid vacation if you will. So what I have to show up somewhere everyday. Really, they pay me to IM, email, and blog all day long. Okay okay…it seems like I don’t really do any work. The truth is I do a lot of work here. In fact, I work at one of the offices where working long hours is something you just might have to do. So I guess I shouldn’t complain…

…hmm…

…FUCK THAT.

I walked into my got damn office at 7am yesterday morning and walked out at 11pm yesterday evening. And I was actually WORKING the entire time. I took a one hour break. This isn’t right people. I work for the government. And for all of you people who have to sit at your office for 12 hour days on the regular…that shit is your fault. You probably went to school to be able to do that. Me…I work for the government.

One more time…I work for the government. So for anybody wondering why I have been sporadic in blogging as of late…it’s cuz I work for the government.

And they are making me work. I’ll be back to normal one of these days…

End Rant And Commencement of Getting Over it Syndrome

*****

One last thing…since all bloggers seem to do this at least once in their blog life, I’m going to open the comments up to anybody who’d like to ask me three (3) questions. So it is hereby opened up to the floor, the first session of:

Ask A Black Man: The Panama Jackson Edition
-No question is offlimits
-No topic is irrelevant
-Get the truth, the light, and the way

Ask away!

In the black community, there seems to be an unwritten list of things that black folks just don’t do. In fact, the clearest way to know what’s on this list is to listen closely, because whenever one of these things black folks doesn’t do gets mentioned, it’s followed by…

…”that’s some shit white folks would do.”

It’s really that simple. Wait, you want some examples?? Well, I have some time…let’s see. Aha, black folks don’t usually go parachuting. We pretty much suck at it for starters. Hell, the last time we did that we ended up landing in trees, dangling for sheer life. Shucks, we fucked around and hung ourselves! It seems we were really bad at parachuting in the late 1800′s and early 1900′s.

Wait, wait, wait. You’re saying planes weren’t around then??? Amazing…I guess we just don’t like the idea of freefalling towards ground. Might fuck up somebody’s hairdo or something.

Another examples is sailing. You’d think this would be something black folks would want to do seeing as how the last time we let somebody else steer the boats back in the 1600′s, we ended up working our asses off for the next 300 some odd years. But nope, we’d rather just get on the boat and see where we end up. Either way, those are two things that black folks just don’t do and are hencewise considered to be “white shit.”

Well, recently, something else that was commonly considered to be white shit has happened at the hands of a black man. This one is even more astounding however considering the great magnitude and the potential repercussions. I mean, this was some real shit that stopped me dead in my tracks…and I’m not talking about the Washington area sniper either (no pun intended).

It seems a black man…

Hold on. This is hard for me.

(*pause for the cause*)

It seems that a grown ass black man…is willing to give up $8.6 million…TO SMOKE WEED!!!! Ricky “muhfuckin” Williams of the Miami Dolphins said fuck you to the NFL, I’m not giving up weed.

I think I need a minute.

(*moment of silence for death of common sense*)

Somebody please help me out here. I have never smoked weed before. I know, shocking. Not even in college when I lived next door to Atlanta’s finest crackhouse, where drugs of all kind were in great supply. But I resisted. But seriously, the fact that a black man could logically determine that damn near $9 million isn’t enough to stop him from smoking weed has convinced me that…

…I need to give weed a try. Anything that will make a dude PAY BACK that much money and tell the NFL that he won’t run a ball back and forth up and down a field for MILLIONS a year has to be some good shit. They say everybody has their price. A million dollars isn’t enough to convince him to give weed a rest. So to that I say…

…Ricky, PASS THAT SHIT.

Let’s think about this for a second shall we??? This has implications further than anybody has ever imagined. Most people saw Chappelle’s Show’s Reparations Skit and how a basketball game between Philly and NJ ended up having two white boys going head to head. This is a potential reality behind this shit. Whatever Ricky is smoking, which just HAS to be that REAL STICKY ICKY ICKY was enough to convince him to say fuck it to the NFL. Imagine if the NBA players got ahold of this weed!! Could they stop themselves??? This might be that real deal. The one thing that could singlehandedly bring down the NBA, NFL, MLB…scratch that, baseball has been running black folks away for years.

Imagine if more NFL players got ahold of this good Ricky. They’d be held powerless. All of the skill positions like running backs and wide receivers would quit. Essentially, all of sports leagues would turn back white, which means…

Starbucks is in on this shit!

(See the Starbucks files Here: Part I, Part II, Part III)

Think about that. They have effectively found a way to take the one thing that makes black folks a ridiculous amount of money. Sports. And you know once sports starts get on it, next is the rappers. Then the thugged out R & B singers…then finally our veterans in the entertainment game.

We might lose it all because Ricky Williams found that shit that was so good he’d be willing to give up his livelihood to smoke. His livelihood!!!!! He blatantly said that he is not going to stop smoking to the NFL. If he smokes, he doesn’t play. And what with all of the testing they are about to start imposing on players of all sports, this could be the end of the world as we know it.

And its all because Starbucks concocted that real deal and found a way to exploit a man’s weakness. They have us GIVING up our millions.

Apparently, I digressed.

But I’m scared. What weed is so good that it could convince a man to give up $9 million dollars that is already in his bank account, and any future earnings? What would happen if us mere mortals were to happen upon this batch of Chronic??

And further more, what in the hell was he thinking to say that smoking weed was so important that forfeiting $9 million makes sense??? That’s a slap in the face to broke black folks who smoke weed everyday. You know why??? Cuz their shit isn’t that good where they’d give up their job. Ricky…oh Ricky…you’re keeping the good shit to yourself. And that’s not fair. But further than everything…

…Ricky, according to the New and Improved Black Codes…

…that’s some shit white folks would do.

Pride.

Everybody has it. Nobody wants to admit it.

Nobody wants to admit that their pride has gotten the best of them. We’d all rather give dumb ass excuses than admit that we need help or that we fucked up…pride, you see, is something like Starbucks…pride is evil. There’s a reason Jesus and ‘nem made it a deadly sin. If you are in the wrong neighborhood at the wrong time with the wrong amount of pride…you too can die. Hell, if you AREN’T in the wrong neighborhood, even if you are in a white neighborhood trying to find a parking space and somebody takes the spot you thought you had rightfully reserved by driving around and putting on your blinker, and you decide that this person disrespected you so you had to say something, then he said something, then you said something….pride is what stops you from saying “fuck it”….pride is why you got stabbed eight times with a rusty blade that the dude you THOUGHT was gonna back down had stowed away in his car just for a situation like this for a jackass like you during a time like this for anybody like you who wants to step to him.

Long sentence, huh?

Pride will stop a man from admitting he’s wrong, or even being able to see the wrong he has done. Pride will stop a woman from admitting how she feels about a dude she’s head over heels in love with. Pride (and his boys) will stop that man from committing to his woman of two years. Pride will…hell, you get the point. Pride will make you act like you have no sense and not allow people to see that you are really a rational thinking person. Essentially…pride will get you into trouble. But there is one situation that pride will get you into that nobody is prepared for, and I mean nobody. So today, out of the kindness of my heart…I decided to help everybody get ready for this situation that can arise in today’s politically charged climate…because you see…

…pride will get you into a fight with a midget.

Let that marinate for a second. I’ll wait.

(*humming “Chariots of Fire”* I love that song.)

You might be wondering what in the hell I’m talking about. Well your in luck! I’m going to explain it. You see, over this recent Thanksgiving break, I happened upon MTV’s fake ass reality show Laguna Beach. I know…there really is no reason for a grown ass black man to be watching Laguna Beach…but you’re wrong! Seeing all of these goofy rich white kids with these problems that the rest of us would give a lung to have is really entertaining. It makes you realize that there really are people who aren’t prepared for the real world, but will make it because they have money. As Carmen said on her blog, it’s great to be rich and white. Life just gets no better than that. It can’t.

But I digress.

Anyway, on one episode, these two chicks (I can’t remember thier names) were walking towards their car in the parking lot of some place I’ll never be able to afford to even look at, and a midget said something to the effect of, “Hey you sluts…get your asses over here.” Something like that. Now most people can agree that this is inappropriate, ESPECIALLY for a midget.

[***Sidenote: It is my opionion, that midgets should operate under short people rules. What are short people rules?? Glad you asked. Short people rules state that if you are a man and under 5'5", you must be nice at all times or people won't like you. It's true, I'm sorry. I didn't write the manual. Really, if you are short, there is no reason to be mean, you already have one strike against you, being a dickhead just legitimizes the reason to never even speak to you...ya know, assuming I don't trip over you and have to say either "I'm sorry" or "Excuse me". Mean short people are the rue of the Earth. Don't you just want to kick them in the jaw since you can actually do it??? Would anybody be mad if I kicked a midget in the head if he cursed me out?? Since I've clearly lost my point, if you are mean and short...you are evil. And yes this applies to men, and midget women. Short women are okay. I might have offended somebody. Fuck you.***]

But what followed is what made me realize that pride will get you into a fight with a midget. See, a male friend of the two girls decided that he would stick up for the girls. A noble cause, even if he was basically stepping to a man half his size. So they begin to shout at one another and I realized…he needs to quit before he gets into a fight with that midget. That’s a bad idea, people. For the record, getting into a fight with a midget is a lose-lose situation. Period. But I’ll get to that in a second.

It’s sad to say that if you are ever confronted by a midget, you will talk shit. I mean its a midget right?? You will be compelled to use all the short jokes you have stocked up in your memory. And you won’t stop either. You know why?? Because its a midget. If it was a normal heighted person, you might consider walking away because most rational people pick their fights wisely. You size up the individual and determine how far you are going to take this. Face it, nobody wants to take an asswhipping if they don’t at least think they have a chance of winning. However, in the case of a midget, you will ALWAYS think you have a chance at winning. This is fucked up logic. What’s worse than that is you assume the midget would do the same thing, and should back down because you are bigger. However, he doesn’t. You see, you and he have both entered into the realm of…

…pride.

Your pride won’t let you back down because he’s a midget. His pride won’t let him back down because you aren’t a midget and he’d love the chance to beat the shit out of a bitch like you. Ladies and gentlemen…this is going to end badly. For you. The midget on the other hand has all the advantages in the world. So let’s break down the possible scenarios.

Scenario 1: Napolean vs. Europe

You and midget fight. You win. Do you get kudos? NO. Dude, you beat up a midget. You were supposed to win. It aint like you fought Tyson. Who the hell is gonna give you props for beating up a midget? If it’s your girl, she’s a bad person and should be run over with your Hummer (since you are rich and shit and live on Laguna Beach). She will get your ass in other fucked up situations that you will inevitably lose. She’s the broad that will start talking shit to that big ass cat in the club and come and get you and expect you to fight for her honor. Basically, kicko, you just might die dealing with this chick.

Scenario 2: David vs. Goliath

You and midget fight. He win’s. You’re pride has just caused you to get your ass whipped by a man who will run this story in the Midget Heights (that’s funny) Times with a picture of you with the byline avid Whips Goliath’s ASS. Your friends will laugh at you. Your girl will leave you. Your parents will laugh at you. You will become the laughing stock of everybody that knows you forcing you to have to move away to the slums of say…Beverly Hills or some shit because you have been excommunicated…and why, because you, you prideful bitch, allowed yourself to get beat down by a midget. And kiddo, IT CAN HAPPEN.

What with all the advancements in drugs nowadays, midgets are strong as hell. Basically, one should never fight a midget. You know why? If the midget loses, nobody cares, the big bad tall person was picking on him. And he probably rolls with bigger people anyway who might whip your ass. If he wins, he gets the confidence to talk more shit to grown people ultimately ending up in the death of said midget because he talked shit to the wrong tall person who couldn’t care less about his height and would slap his own momma for the right price.

Okay, so maybe that ending isn’t so good for the midget. But you get the point. He wins if you fight, no matter the outcome. You lose if you fight, no matter the outcome. So what is the solution to this problem? I’m glad you asked since I know you’ve always wondered what to do if midget stepped up to you.

Well, quite simply…you’d better hope somebody breaks that shit up. Rather, that somebody pulls you away from the potential fight. See, nobody is going to stop the midget from talking shit and instigating. You know why??? Because we all root for the underdog. The second you two started trading barbs, everybody wanted the midget to whip your ass because they felt you were picking on the little guy. Poor little vertically challenged fucker! What did he ever do to you????

So, you had better hope one of your boys doesn’t believe in violence and pulls you away from the fray. That way you can talk shit about what you would have done without having the shame of being the one cat who actually fought a midget. Your pride is okay at that point because you can tell stories of how you would have whipped a midget’s ass. Your boys will have a story to laugh at and joke with you about how you would have lost. You can all have a hearty laugh. Yes I said hearty.

And do you know why you have to go through all of these motions? Pride. That one emotion that causes us to do dumb shit for people who couldn’t care less about us in the first place. Pride my friend, will get you fucked up. Pride…

…will get you into a fight with a midget.