Sometimes You Gotta Go Home, Atlanta 2004
[***The following Self-Help Instructional Manual can be ordered from Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises by calling 1-800-GME-MULA!***]
Hi, my name is Dr. Panama D. Jackson, OPP. You may remember me from such “How To” videos as “How to Jackslap a Hoe That Hasn’t Paid You All Your Money” or “How to Flee A Country When Your President Has Just Re-elected Himself.”
Actually, that one is in the works.
Actually, its already been written here. (spotted via Hiphopmusic.com)
Today I’d like to present the manual on how to enjoy a Morehouse College/Spelman College Homecoming in Atlanta, GA. Now one would think this to be an easy endeavor. I beg to differ. There are many little things one must prepare for ahead of time in order to maximize the potential of a homecoming. Especially of the Morehouse/Spelman variety. There is no small time pimping going on here…
…its all big pimpin’. So pay attention and you too may be able to weave this how to guide into a way to enjoy your own HBCU homecoming to the fullest!
[***Sidenote: Now of course...I have to do this. If you remember I went to Las Vegas in September, then to Los Angeles in October. Well, the EXACT same group was once again present (minus a person or two) PLUS a bunch of people who stay in Atlanta AND then some new folks. EACH AND EVERY person made this weekend one of the greatest homecomings to date. In fact...getting grown is almost annoying now because I have accumulated a great group of friends and can't spend all day everyday with them doing nothing. In fact...I'd put my friends up against any other folks' friends in a "battle of best friends" competition on MTV! In fact, why is there not a reality TV show based upon this premise? And I got something like 18 or so people on my squad who know eachother like Whitney knows Bobby's going BACK to jail. Yeah...its like that. For all those that will read this...I love you all...new and old people! One more for the books...another weekend where I honestly felt whole. Thanks! For life...***]
Before we get to exactly what you must do to enjoy yourself at homecoming, let’s make sure you have all the things you need upfront. It’s not a long list, but very very vital. First, you need money. You can’t have any fun at homecoming without money…you know why??? Because you have spend money on liquor to make drinks. Which leads to the second must have, somebody who can make killer drinks. Why is this important?? Because if you all pool your resources upfront, you can get drunk BEFORE you get to the club which will SAVE you money. You can then buy one sureshot ass drink at the club that will last you for the rest of the evening. The last thing you will definitely need is a camera. Because you will be drunk from spending money on liquor that your compadre hooked up into some serious shit, you’ll need proof to remember that you were even there at all. Having a good time at homecoming is priceless…the inability to remember any of it…fucked up. Bring a camera.
Recap: Need money to buy drinks and a person who can make drinks and a camera to prove it all happened.
Now to the nitty gritty.
Panama Jackson’s Guide to Enjoying a Morehouse/Spelman Homecoming (simultaneoulsy applicable at all HBCU’s)
1. Get to the airport early…unless your really excited about going to homecoming. The more excited you are the greater your chance of having your flight delayed for NO apparent reason leaving from Washington-Dulles International Airport. This will cause you to have to find something to do for, hell I don’t know, 2 hours in a terminal that only has two stores…Starbucks and a Fox News Channel store. I think God was playing with me. To remedy this I suggest having a drink at the airport. Nothing says homecoming like getting tipsy before you even get there.
2. Be prepared to drink for the whole weekend. This includes arriving to the homecoming spot and getting lit up from the second you walk into your homeboy’s house. This is possible by having a young woman in a house full of dudes making drinks that for some reason pack more of a punch than Mike Tyson in his prime walking around Bolivion. Also be prepared to not go anywhere for the rest of the evening…because you will forget that somebody needs to be the designated driver, and everybody in said place is drunk.
Addendum to #2: On the off chance that somebody does show up who isn’t drunk. Have him take you to Waffle House. Just make sure that bitch isn’t being robbed at 2am when you decide to go there. Basically, make sure you know where another Waffle House is just in case the one you stop by…is being robbed.
3. Make sure your gear is tight. To do this, it is important to make a trip to the mall of some sort. This also brings up an ethical question though. If an attractive woman working in the store you choose to buy a shirt from is clearly interested in obtaining your info…are you required to get her phone number??? These and other important ethical issues arise during homecomings.
4. Have a bunch of your friends cook dinner at their house with the only requirement being that you must bring liquor. It is also important that the people throwing the dinner party can actually COOK. Also, make sure they make lots of bread-ish type meals. That is important because of…
5. Drink as much as you can. Make sure that one of the people present is an excellent drink maker. So good that even if you hate the Blue Raspberry martini’s that he makes…after the 5th one it doesn’t matter anymore becuase you can’t even taste them. What this does is open up the air in the room for strange conversations. Especially conversations that entail determining how much ass a woman has by determing her “Bob” level. This can also lead to locating the one true “Robert Johnson” style ass…as in they own it. Some people have “Bob”…some people have “b”…but some folks have complete and total “Robert ‘muhfuckin’ Johnson”. Just so you know…if you ever hear a dude walking behind you and he starts talking about Bob…its me and my boy. Hands down.
If you’ll notice thus far…we’ve still made very little mention of the actual Morehouse/Spelman locales or anything. It would seem that the older you get, the less the actual school matters. It’s all about the people that went there.
6. Get thee to a club. After downing the martinis, taking pictures you don’t remember taking, and having conversations that would obviously never occur unless you are inebriated, go to a club that has a huge dancefloor and lots of people. Drunk dancing is the most fun dancing you can have. But drunk crossing the street…GOT DAMN that is hands down the most challenging shit. Crossing Peachtree Street in Atlanta, GA, is like playing fuckin’ Frogger if you have been drinking a lot of martini’s. I suggest this at least once.
By the way…total drink count at this point, from Thursday evening to Friday evening is in the 15-20 range. Including rum & Cokes, and martinis. If you are behind to this point…well, I’m just disappointed.
7. Now this step is very important. Wake up the next morning.
8. Plan appropriately for the tailgate. Now this is very very important. It involves proper time management. There is this drink that has been dubbed Uncle Ricky’s Punch (hereafter known as the Punch). It is hands down a delicassy. One my boys cooks this crack in his kitchen. It is important to have White Grape Peach juice for this. If you aren’t careful, finding some damn White Grape Peach juice can take you over 2 hours and 1 Wal-mart, 2 Krogers. I’m just saying…fuckin’ plan ahead for that shit or you’ll be pissed because you are trying to get to the tailgate and you end driving around Southwest Atlanta and into neighborhoods you didn’t even know existed and fear for your life ultimately ending up leaving like 2 hours later than you planned when you already woke up late…over some damn White Grape Peach Juice.
8. More tailgatery. Be prepared for random ass requests from folks who know you are out looking for White Grape Peach Juice.
9. More tailgatery. After the Punch has been made…TASTE THAT SHIT. If you don’t feel a single thing after drinking it. It’s perfect. You now know you will be drunk by the time you leave from the tailgate…of course you have to get there. Which reminds me…if possible, do not try to pack 6 GROWN ass people into a Honda Civic. Or better yet…ask to drive. NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING was more uncomfortable and joke inducing than grown ass people literally sitting on eachother. I mean, we all got jobs and shit. It just didn’t seem right.
10. Get to the tailgate and walk around and enjoy being a graduate of Morehouse and love seeing all the black folks you haven’t seen in a year and just enjoy life all around. Also…be prepared. Saturday is somewhat a blur for me. I got more phone numbers and business cards than I can even remember. Thanks to the Punch. Also, don’t get greedy with the punch…share the punch and you’ll have strange women coming up to you later talking about how good that damn punch is and giving you wonderful hugs.
11. Gatorade. Hmmm…what does this mean? Well, last year, I decided that I was going to bring a bag full of liquor with me to the tailgate. That was such a huge success I just couldn’t not do it again. So once again, I had a 32 Oz. bottle of Punch and a 32. Oz bottle of Rum and Coke in my bag, along with lots of cups to share the wealth, and some 151.
Because I can’t remember shit after this point during the actual day, just enjoy yourself. You will be drunk.
[***Another Sidenote: I notice that I sound like a lush. Well, maybe I am. But only during social events. And, I never waste the liquor...I always drink it all!!! And for you rookies...151 is no joke. Amongst my folks...we took a complimentary shot for Morehouse of 151. It WILL burn going down. That is a promise. Only for live men...not for freshmen. Remember that! And please chase that shit witih more liqour. Your day will be that much better!***]
Drink total from Thursday evening to Saturday afternoon: About 15-20 cup drinks, a shot of 151 (we actually drank the whole bottle off of offering everybody a shot in fuckin’ view…I should have bought another bottle), a 32 oz. bottle of Punch, a 32 oz. bottle of run and Coke, and also drinking somebody else’s Punch. Good times.
13. Please oh please find out where the hot spot is. Going to the right club during homecoming is vital. EVERYBODY is throwing a party. That means that one of them bitches is going to be empty. To avoid ending up there, stay in constant contact with lots of different people. Upon finding the right spot…don’t drink anything else liquor related. You will not feel good. And, have a good damn time. Get your boogie on.
14. You will be tired at this point. So let me remix that last sentence, get your boogie on as much as your body will let you. But always always always…make time to hit up the dance floor when any southern crunk song or “It’s time for the perculator…” comes on. This is vital.
By this point…your homecoming experience is almost over and sad thoughts of having to say good-bye will creep in when you leave the club. You will no longer be drunk…just happy that you were there…which leads to the final step.
15. Don’t take your friends for granted. If you actually have friends you are really lucky. If you have about 20 folks you can honestly call GOOD friends…well, consider yourself to one of the luckiest bastards on earth.
I’m a lucky bastard.
Just for kicks, there were some highlights of the weekend: taking a picture with both Coral and Arissa from Real World, seeing Stringer Bell lame himself out in club Visionz doing his regular DJ thing, hanging out with the one and only Pinchback, seeing the homies Barry, Cade, hangin’ tough with the homie KillaCal, hanging with my homies from Cali, Atlanta, Hephzibah, NY, DC, seeing those special folks you don’t get to see nearly enough (regardless of who’s league they belong too), meeting some new great new folks, seeing the great old folks…just basically all around…
…being back at Morehouse/Spelman.
One last thing…if you get too drunk you will offer to give somebody’s non-profit $1 million when you get rich.
Morehouse/Spelman Homecoming 2004. You got to love it.