Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma.

I have a problem of epic proportions. Though that’s not true at all, I still do have a problem. And my problem is forcing me to face a few stereotypes and question a few “givens” about folks in my position.

What’s my position? Well, I’m what some would call…educated and “conscious” (I hate that term like hell)…which basically means I graduated from college, and I read a lot about “the struggle” and love the Black Panthers and Revolutionary figures. I knew right off the bat that when Ja Rule released “Blood In My Eye” (the crappy album that had “Clap Back” on it) he was referencing George Jackson’s book of the same name. I have read Malcolm X’s biography numerous times…as well as Dr. Martin Luther tha King’s biography, etc.

What does that mean in the grand scheme of things you ask? Absolutely nothing, but for some reason people think that because you read and went to college you are supposed to be enlightened and a thinker…therefore into deeper and more thought provoking adventures. And I’ve bought into those stereoypes myself…which is the very source of my problem.

I don’t like Mos Def’s new album, The New Danger.

*gasp*

I know I know…it makes no sense to me either. Being as Mos Def is the thinking man’s rapper, and as I’m prone to thinking from time to time, you’d think I would love it. Hell, I almost think its a requirement to like Mos Def’s music if you are “conscious” and/or you went to college as a black person. But honestly…I think its solidly mediocre. There are two songs I’m really feeling, those being “Boogie Man Song” and “Modern Marvel.” Honestly the rest I can do without. This isn’t an album review…this is about the problem I’m faced with…everyday. I don’t get into the deep music.

I also don’t really care for the whole neo-soul movement. And that’s once again supposed to be music for the “deep” people and “concious” people. Have you ever been to one of them neo-soul shows??? You see all kinds locks, ankhs, khaki, and earth tones. And those are the dead giveaway for the so-called concious crowd…you know the deep ass thinkers who have something to offer society. And I honestly think most of those folks are full of shit. They listen to some horribly bad music because they are “supposed” to. Because they are educated and consider themselves thinkers. And if you are educated and consider yourself to be a thinker than you have to like and actually KNOW about Kindred, Hil St. Soul, Adrianna Evans, Musiq, Jill Scott, India.Arie, Goapele, etc. because that is the music that deep people listen too when they are in their element of other deep people who light incense to focus and shake their locks out while somebody plays an acoustic guitar version of Mannie Fresh’s “Real Big”…making it deeper…

[***Sidenote: I've intentionally left out Donnie, Amel Larrieux, D'Angelo, Erykah Badu for certain reasons. Donnie, Amel, and D'Angelo actually make both GOOD music and are clearly grounded in their music...though D'Angelo took some strange strides with Voodoo...but really, if you have a song called "chickengrease" you ain't trying to be deep. And Erykah Badu...she is the epitome of a down to earth ghetto chick, anybody who can drop it like its hot with a headwrap on is alright with me...***]

You see where I’m going with this? Maybe you don’t. Let me explain further. See, I like good music. All of those neo-soul artists don’t exactly make good music. Hell, some of it is actually shitty, or just mediocre at best, like say…

…Jill Scott’s Beautfully Human album or Kindred’s album.

*ducking tomatoes, sinks, kids, being thrown at me*

But you’d never get anybody to admit to it because as educated people, we are supposed to be able to decipher the depth in it. Take Mos Def’s album for instance. What the shit is he talking about? Nothing…he’s singing and sounds good but the music behind most of his singing isn’t that great. Hell, he doesn’t even have any lyrics on some of the songs. This isn’t to knock the album because I know some people love it, I’m just saying, I like to call a spade a spade.

Educated folks, especially the younger crowd, seem to have this immense capability to be both down to earth and completely pretentious at the exact same time. Neo-soul music, which is grounded in its ability to be both meaningful and emotive, is also some of the most bullshit inducing and elitist music of all time. It’s like the neo-soul crowd doesn’t believe that you can be deep if you don’t like it. And outsiders are just not like them.

For instance, Musiq’s first two albums to me were pure shit. I hate those albums. There are a few singles on them that are good but for the most part they relied on a certain neo-soul sound and utter bullshit to push them through. There were some really biship ass lyrics on those albums. And people ate that shit up. It wasn’t good music and his second album sounded like the remix to the first album…and people ate it up. His third album however was different and actually relied on good music…how many people ate that up?

And I can only chalk it up to what educated people are supposed to like. I remember there was a Coca-Cola commercial a few years back that featured nothing but neo-soul artists. This commercial sealed neo-soul’s fate for me. It had all the standards, Musiq, India.Arie, etc. And they were basically sitting around being “deep” (I have no idea how you get “deep” across on TV) and drinking Coke. After that commercial and seeing the pretentious nature of it all…I couldn’t drink the kool-aid, which I guess was the point since they were selling Coke, but I digress.

All that posturing and stuff just doesn’t work for me. I like NWA. I like Cash Money. I like Jay-Z. I listen to some of the “deep” music…but if the music isn’t actually good…its just another shitty album I own. I can’t look past what its supposed to represent and appreciate it just because. And I hate that about the neo-soul and “concious” crowds. Good music is good music. Period. Point Blank. And everything isn’t good specifically because its neo-soul…or even Mos Def.

It’s actually kind of funny if you think about it. Talib Kweli is living proof of this fact. Talib spits “socially conscious” lyrics over some wack ass beats. And he gets railroaded by critics. Granted, Beautiful Struggle does only have like 4 tracks I like…but nobody has a problem criticizing his album. But there is a problem criticizing neo-soul albums…and thats why we keep getting crappy music. And I recognize that everybody has different tastes…but like I said…good is good. I don’t care for Voodoo, as I’m more of a Brown Sugar man myself, but thats more because I can’t understand his words while he’s singing. The music is undeniably good.

Which leads back to the beginning…even though I’m of the “educated” variety, I can’t get past the fact that bad music is just bad. Just because it gets labeled a certain way doesn’t mean that it is going to be good music. And the Mos Def album has made me come to grips with that. I can’t just accept shit cuz its deep…if that was the case, I’d like Common’s last album, and I hate it. On the other hand, Andre 3000 crafted an album that might be weird on some fronts, but in all honesty, is just some damn good music. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t like “Prototype” or hell even the intro to it “Where Are My Panties?”

This all leads me to believe that I might have my deep, concious card revoked. But I’m okay with that. At least that way I can listen to Fabolous and not feel guilty, or Mannie Fresh, and bump Lil Wayne’s album up and down the street. And at least I won’t be required to listen to pretentious ass albums by people like India.Arie or Maxwell’s second album.

[***DISCLAIMER: I almost made it the whole way without a disclaimer, but alas....here goes. I said SECOND ALBUM. Maxwell's Urban Hang Suite is a classic. Yes...I know. And his last album, Now, was good too. Calm down...and if you can...can you please pick up that girl that fainted over there...***]

And maybe Mos Def’s album achieved its purpose for me. He made me have to examine my whole issue with the “concious” crowd. And he is known as the thinking man’s rapper! Hell, he even got me…

…cuz I thought I was gonna like it.

This is going to sound strange…so prepare yourself. In fact…I’m not sure you can prepare yourself, but I have something I need to get off my chest.

I want the rainbow back.

Whew! I feel so much better now. Wait…what do I mean?? You mean you honestly have no idea what I’m talking about??

You see, the rainbow is under siege and has been for quite some time now. The gay and lesbian community has taken the rainbow and now I can’t put up a rainbow air-freshner in my car without being approached by a 6’2″ black dude that my sister would want to talk to telling me I’m cute and shit. Actually, that isn’t true at all…but you get the point. Nowadays…

…rainbow equals gay.

[***DISCLAIMER: Ahhh...another disclaimer. Okay. I'm not homophobic, nor do I have any problem whatsoever with gay men or lesbian women...or hell even transvestites...shit, be yourself is what I say. I don't think its wrong and I don't judge. Basically, I don't pay it much mind. I just want to get that out the way up front before I get bombarded about being anti-gay forcing GLAAD to send me a cease and desist letter further forcing me to have to do a song with Elton John JUST to get people the hell off my back...sheesh! And for those that still choose to be offended...well, kiss my ass! No really...***]

Just to be safe…please read that disclaimer (up there) one more time.

Really, it’s just not fair. Every organization or group has manufactured their own symbol that is easily recognizable to all members and that the outsiders who aren’t familliar are clearly oblivious too. But you know what…do ya, do ya??? EVERYBODY knows what the shit a rainbow is and looks like. Kids everywhere giggle and turn into little bastard bobbleheads when they see a rainbow. People of all ages get excited at the sight of rainbows. It’s just one of those things that everybody points out.

You know why…cuz they don’t come around so often. Things that don’t come around so often are usually cause for celebration, hence birthdays, anniversarys…or…

…Jesus!

Okay, that was a bad example.

But the gay community has decided that they were going to jack COLORS, and worse, the exact combination of colors that cause so much delight for people across the world to become their symbol. And what did that smart and logical decision do for the country???

Further divide people into the folks who can walk down the street with rainbows versus the folks who can’t walk down the street with rainbows for fear of being labeled gay. And you know who’s paying attention? Those fine chicks who you really don’t want to label you. Cuz you know what…once you get labeled, there’s no turning back. Which is funny to me. If you lie once…somebody’s gonna call you a liar but you can usually overcome that. But let somebody label you gay one time…it’s over.

I think I’m getting off subject here. We’re talking about symbols. Every group has a symbol. Hell, causes have symbols. The Black Power Movement, which was not a registered 501(c)(3) company had the black fist. The Breast Cancer movement has the pink ribbon. The Ku Klux Klan has the burning cross, bed sheets, and rope with black man hanging from a tree. Oh wait, they got rid of the rope…shit, my bad.

Maybe, I have misguided pissedoffedness. I mean, its only a rainbow right? Everybody should be able to enjoy the rainbow, right? Wrong. Everybody can’t enjoy a rainbow anymore. Those same little kids who love rainbows so much when they are young are gonna have to come to grips with the fact that when they get older…walking around with a rainbow keychain, or having rainbow stickers automatically makes them members of a club they might not want to be in. And don’t bullshit yourself either. Everybody that sees somebody walking around with a rainbow anything automatically thinks gay.

Shit is like the Batman signal. There is no more dead giveaway than a rainbow. I see them everyday in DC. Butch looking girls feel the need to erase all doubts we had in the first place about their sexuality with a rainbow…ya know, just so we know that they aren’t attracted to the men that they look like they can beat up.

[***ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: Fuck...look, that might sound harsh, but for real, in DC the lesbian women, or rather the homo-thug chicks are seriously representin'. I mean these chicks are everywhere. I don't know if lesbianism is just popular right now in the DC black gangsta community (sounds like they might need a symbol of their own) or what...but damn, its really everwhere. And what do they all have in common, amongst the Gats and .45's...they all carry rainbows! For unity!***]

It’s not fair anymore, cuz…well, I can’t appreciate rainbows anymore. When I see a rainbow, I don’t think happy thoughts or think of a little white man wearing a green suit guarding a pot of gold. I think a little white man wearing a tight ass green suit dancing to YMCA around a pot of condoms with his butt cut out of the pants. I know that isn’t right, and Hell may once again be beckoning…but shit, it ain’t my fault. Fuck, I can’t walk around with a rainbow umbrella. People are nowadays, especially in major cities, having to make concious decisions not to get too colorful. This is why I want the rainbow back. It’s taken on a whole new identity. It’s the symbol of the gay and lesbian community as opposed to just something that is great to see in the summertime after the rain while standing gazing into the sky (hell, that sounded a little gay didn’t it?).

Honestly, what the hell kind of symbol is a rainbow anyway? Since I have some time, let’s examine this. What are the core requirements of a group symbol? The symbol should 1) represent something about the group, 2) be easily identifiable to the members, 3) not offend anybody, 4) not take something that has been around for millions of years and is loved and enjoyed by many and turned into some shit that cannot be enjoyed by the masses anymore because the entire meaning behind it has been altered to something that, fair or unfair, is looked down upon in the community at large.

So how does the rainbow measure up on this test:

1) The rainbow is representative of the group. The gay and lesbian community is made up of people of all colors, be they white, black, indigo, purple, yellow, orange, red, or green…and people that come from all walks of life. I guess it does measure up…of course, this could be the case for damn near every organization outside of the Republican Party in America. Or at least it fits the Michael Jackson/Peter Pan Fan Club. And who the fuck wants to align Michael Jackson with rainbows. That’s probably some shit Bob Johnson would come up with. Not only fuck up BET, but fuck up rainbows too. Damn that BET. They take everything we love and work so hard for and turn it into some shitty ass channel that plays nothing but videos all day long because that is ALL black folks need to see on television not current news that actually affects the world NO we need to see how Laz Alonzo feels about pillows or some shit that REALLY affects the black community cuz black folks aint’ sleeping well…fuck it, BET rocks rainbows.

Whew…I SOOOOOOO lost my point there.

2) The rainbow is a dead giveaway to all members of the gay and lesbian group. BUT…all members do not rock rainbows. Karamo aint rocking any rainbows. However, he is also not rocking any balls either. It is easy identifiable but all members of the group cannot embrace the rainbow. But all I said was identifiable. So it works here too.

I’m losing my case so far.

3) Does the rainbow really offend anybody? No, or at least it shouldn’t. Some people are just against colors altogether. What would offend me however would be the return of Cross Colours apparel…which ironically is about as gay as gay gets. In fact, since we probably won’t get the rainbow back anyway, Cross Colors and GLAAD should form a partnership and “GLAAD to Rock Cross Colours”. The little symbol should be two sets of the symbols for man and woman holding sticks across the rainbow. Karamo could be the spokesman! How do I keep losing my point?

4) AHA! The rainbow has been around LONG before homosexuality. Can I prove this?? No…but I also can’t prove that there were any weapons of mass destructin in Iraq, and that didn’t stop anybody! So why stop now? The rainbow was nobody’s symbol. It was just something that little ghetto children and suburban children and grown ass men and women could all enjoy together at the exact same time as one of those reasons to actually stop and remember that that colors, yes colors, could come together and help eachother to become this beautiful working collage of unity! Hell, if anything, the rainbow should have been Dr. King’s symbol for the Civil Rights Movement. At least that is something that would be more inclusive than exclusive. And to hell with Operation Rainbow/PUSH. Or as Cedric the Entertainer AKA Eddie from Barbershop said…ahem…”FUCK Jesse Jackson.”

So you see…the rainbow doesn’t fit the paradigm.

Look, the bottom line here is that…well, I just want the damn rainbow back. I want to be able to look at a rainbow and not think gay. I want to be able to rock my tye dye without being down for the cause…cuz, honestly…I just like tye dye. It ain’t right that I can’t enjoy the rainbow anymore because I wasn’t given the option to express my dissent on the decision…fuck, take butterflies…nobody would care about no damn butterflies.

But no…they took the damn rainbow…and now I can’t appreciate it, it no longer makes me happy…

It just makes me blue.

Double Standard. noun. def. holding a person or group to a standard that you have no intention of holding yourself too, furthering your place in life as a jackass, and ruining any further credibility you might maintain

Today, dammit, today I want to talk about double standards. The type of double standards that have further given me reason to believe that as black people…

…we ain’t gonna make it.

[***DISCLAIMER: To anybody who might become offended by what I'm about to write here about black people and our ability to be full of shit, please, oh please, kiss my ass. I'm about to kick some real shit. Thank you.***]

First things first, a while back I gave Alan Keyes the nod as being the Most Ignant Black Person in America, having stolen the crown fair and square from Nelly AKA the St. Louis Swiper. However, Nelly not known for being okay with second best (remember the song “#1″?) has proven once again why he is worthy of the crown. According to this, Nelly feels that politics have no place in hip-hop. Take a gander:

The rapper, whose real name is Cornell Haynes, Jr. urged fellow entertainers to keep politics out of music if they want to stay successful in a recent interview with Blender magazine.

?ƒ?If you want to do the politics thing, be more involved personally, but you could talk about that and then tomorrow wake up and you?ƒ¥re not selling records. So now you protested the war?ƒ?and your broke!?ƒ?-Nelly AKA the St. Louis Swiper

So I must say, Congratulations goes to Nelly for rightfully reacquiring the title he is so most assuredly deserving of: Most Ignant Black Person In America. Kudos!

Now back to our regularly scheduled program:

By now, everybody has heard the controversy surrounding Eminem and his newest creative endeavor, the video for “Just Lose It,” a video which spoofs Michael Jackson (among others) even going so far as to have Em beckoning the little ones to his lap while dressed like Mike. Poor taste, maybe. Going to hell, definitely (it’s Eminem). Funny, damn straight. Well apparently, some of the more high profile members of the black community are up in arms at this latest dig at Mike. Steve Harvey says that Em needs to have his ghetto pass revoked. Robert Johnson has even had BET pull the video from its rotation because its in poor taste.

Please read that last sentence again. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

(*humming “Somebody Loves You” by The Delfonics*)

Yes, that last sentence says what you think it says. Robert Johnson has pulled the video because its in poor taste. I must be living in an alternate universe. Bob…is it okay if I call you Bob?? No? Fuck you…Bob, why in the shit would you think pulling a video that pokes fun at Michael Jackson (which EVERYBODY has done) is in poor taste, but running a show that caters to the degradation of black women, is okay??? I mean you have an entire show DEDICATED to it! And what would the higher ups at BET say to this???

Children should not be watching TV at 3AM anyway! Don’t blame us, blame parenting. (*scratching head*) Exactly…they don’t have an answer for that.

Thank you Bob Johnson, for having the moral audacity to pull a video that spoofs a man who has been accused of molesting children for something over 10 years…because he called you. Not that it matters much, nobody gives a shit about BET anymore anyway. But really, good googly moogly. And, I like Mike…but Mike has about as much pull in the music industry as say…me…right now, so why would you pull that video when the women at Spelman College are complaining, as well as women everywhere, about the type of videos that are being played on BET…that shit, I don’t know, only degrade women? Regardless if they show up to be in the videos, you still are playing them. Guilty, as charged bitch.

Guess that isn’t so important to you. Is it, Bob?? Is it? Pure and utter bullshit.

And Steve Harvey. Good got damn. This is a negro who has made fun of Michael Jackson in his own routines. And he wants Eminem to have his ghetto pass revoked. So let me get this right Steve. Is it okay if I call you Steve?? No…Fuck you. Steve, why is it okay for everybody and their mama to make fun of Michael Jackson, to include Chris Rock and numerous other celebrities…but Eminem does it in a video, and we are ready to call the National Guard??? Get the fuck out of here Steve. Where’s your call to stop BET from playing “Tip Drill”?

Granted, Eminem should have never used the word nigga. And he had no business calling black women bitches. Wait, let me rephrase that…NOBODY has any business calling black women bitches. But Eminem (he’s white) does it and its fucked up…but since black men have been doing it on record for years, and since we are black we are hereby given the privelege to refer to our black women as bitches (cuz that’s okay…same color!) so that ain’t a problem.

Can we please cut out the stupid double standard hypocritical bullshit????

The really stupid thing is this. When the whole Eminem vs. Black People controversy first hit, more people were upset at him calling black women bitches than they were for his use of the word nigga. I thought I had missed something. I couldn’t figure out why folks were picking THAT fight when black men been doing it on record for years. Double fuckin’ standard. It’s okay for us to do it remember? But a white dude…no ‘effin way dude! I thought that I was going crazy.

And you know what…let’s get back to good ole Bob. See, for some reason, he’s been flying under my radar as the most ignant black person. I guess since he’s not as vocal he tends to get lost in the shuffle. Well…time’s up bitch. Please help me understand how its possible to find Eminem’s video tasteless and disrespectful, when you run with and have brought on as a part owner of your NBA franchise, the Charlotte Bobcats, the creator of the “Tip Drill” video. In fact, the unapologetic creator the “Tip Drill” video. Nelly wants to do more of those. So that’s not disrespectful at all. Oh shit, my bad, its only disrespectful to women, not black people. Whereas Eminem is doing all this damage to the black community.

Nelly has only created “Tip Drills”, said fuck you to anybody who has a problem with it, created Pimpjuice, created the P.I.M.P. Scholarship, and currently says politics has no place in hip-hop music. But damn that Eminem for spoofing Mike!!

Big Bob has even gone so far as to say this dumb shit:

“BET pulled the video because we feel it is inappropriate to use our network to air a video disparaging Michael’s character, or that of any other celebrity…”

Women and any other celebrity not named Michael Jackson are okay.

And this is the stupid shit that gets to me. So its okay for black people to degrade our women. A white man does it…boycott his shit and do your best to destroy his reputation. Black women complain about their treatment in videos…and whoopty got damn doo, but Mike calls in cause somebody has put a video spoof out of Mike beckoning the little ones. For real, after that Martin Basheer (sp?) came on television…was there anybody who didn’t make fun of Mike?? It ain’t like everybody came to his defense. Steve, would you leave your kids at Mike’s house for the weekend? How about you Bob? But you’d leave your kids with Nelly, cuz he’s a standup citizen, and all about the upliftment of the people. Why, thanks to his P.I.M.P. scholarship…more of our youth will make it into college, regardless of their grades, as long as they got the activities in their background to warrant it. Now that’s progress!

All these dumb ass double standards and fucked up priorities are why black folks ain’t gonna make it. We care more that Eminem spoofs Michael Jackson in a video than we do that many of our video’s degrade women. Mike calls, Bob pulls the video. His wife complains, and she gets, “Naw honey, UNCUT is a big seller for us. Can’t cut it!” Pure and utter bullshit. And since Eminem’s a white boy (and he really is!) he can’t make fun of Mike…he’s ours. Since he started out black we lay claim to him. Backstreet Boys, ‘Nsync, Britney, or Christina, are all okay for him to make fun of though. I’m calling bullshit.

So, to recap. Steve Harvey, full of shit; Bob Johnson, contender for Most Ignorant Black Person in America, and full of shit; Nelly AKA the St. Louis Swiper, current Most Ignorant Black Man in America, and completely full of shit; anybody who has a problem with “Just Lose It” but buys Nelly products, full of shit and go kill yourself; and anybody who has a problem with what I’ve said here, full of shit and kiss my ass.

Sorry, but I’m gonna have to go with Eminem on this one…

…cuz I’m about to just lose it.

[***Bonus: I'm going to open up the floor for nominations for the Most Ignorant Black Person in America. I'm sure there are numerous individuals worth the nod so please people don't be shy! Just place your nominee in the comments and coming soon, right here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises HQ, we will have the Most Ignorant Black Person in America Pageant. Let the nominations flow...***]

[*EDIT (10/14/04): This just in...we have a new nominee. Ray Benzino. I have NO idea how I have forgotten about him, but he honestly deserves his own post. But please go here, to understand why Ray Benzino has been added to Most Ignorant Black Person in America! Ray makes a very solid case.*]

[DISCLAIMER: This right here is long...but don't be scurred...it's all about that.....]

“WESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYDE”

I just returned from Los Angeles. And let me tell you…that place is something else. And not something else in the Halle Berry fine something else, as in “that damn Halle Berry is something else!!!’ More along the lines of “this Michael Jackson color/shape shifting phenomenon is something else!” You know, strange and hard to understand in most cases and yet it pulls you in for no apparent reason.

That is LA to me. Now, this is the first time I’ve been to LA…well aside from flying through there on my back to DC from Las Vegas. And if I may, I’d like to give a shout out to the homie Misty from the CPT and Ethel from every where else in the LA area for their well-wishing on my venture to their homestead.

As this was my first time in LA, I saw a lot of shit that made me go…hmmmmmmmmmmm. (You remember that song?? Isn’t it amazing how something so damn dumb could become so popular?? Oh wait…Nelly sold how many million albums??? Shit…what was I saying again??)

So as an ode to the city of LA, and as a way to chronicle my trip, I’m going to do a sort of good, bad, and ugly of LA. Here are the rules…there is no particular order. I’m not going to go- good: food, bad: food poisoning, ugly: my friend almost died on the way to the emergency room after choking on a chicken bone from El Pollo Loco because the traffic on one of them gotdamn highways was ridiculously backed up on a Sunday.

Nothing like that…and by the way, in case you are wondering, that actually didn’t happen.

First a little background. When I went to Vegas, I went with like 13 people. Well to LA, one of my boys, who is currently educating Brooklyn’s Finest in Bedford-Stuyvesant (somewhere in that statement lies an oxymoron and similarly social commentary on where not to live when you are grown if you can help it), came with me and we stayed with two of our homegirls from college who live in LA. One native, one not. Big-ups to my peoples from college, I love y’all…one more trip for the record books.

LA Confidential: Panama Peeps the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Let’s start with something good. Basically, LA is beautiful. We ventured (I love words like venture, they make you sound like you’ve read books and shit) to Bel Air, Beverly Hills, Baldwin Hills, Venice Beach, and a few other areas I can’t think of right now that were just downright pretty to look at where everybody was rich and wasn’t the hood…

…too bad my friends didn’t live in any one of them areas. So my first REAL impression of LA was one of…why does this shit look like my neighborhood in Atlanta??? And for the record, in Atlanta, I didn’t live in Buckhead…I was closer to Bankhead. And for those folks who’ve never been to Atlanta. Nobody will ever recommend you go to Bankhead, and if they do, they aren’t your friend and you should take note if they start overly admiring your personal property and saying shit like, “I could really use a car like yours.” I was so hyped to be in LA that it completely never dawned on me that the LA you see in the movies is not necessarily the LA that exists in real life…at least not all over the place. BUT…I didn’t ever hear any gunshots! (That’s good!)

Hmm…Bad…so it seems that everything in LA takes fuckin’ forever to get too. We spent more time in the car than we did at the clubs we went too!! And I don’t mean in general to include sight seeing (though we did spend forever in the car sightseeing, but that was expected)…I mean, we spent more time in the car on the way to the club than we did inside the club. That’s bad. But wait…this shit gets ugly.

I’d like to send a special fuck you out to LA for having the audacity to have every club shut down at promptly 2AM. And that includes lights coming on at 145AM mufuckas! Without fail. What does this mean in the grand scheme of things you might ask??? Well, it means that if you are from a city like NYC, DC, ATL, or hell any other major city that people frequent OFTEN and can leave the house/hotel/brothel after 11PM…you’re ass better find a house party if you think showing up late is gonna work. You can’t show up at midnight, pay $20 bucks to party til 145AM and feel like you got your money’s worth.

But wait…this gets even uglier. I just so happen to live in DC. Also affectionately known as Chocolate City…though Detroit and Atlanta can REALLY give DC a run for its money. Either way, seeing black people is kind of the norm for me. I don’t get surprised or even excited about it. Apparently, seeing black people standing in line to get into a club in LA is akin to a spiritual experience. As in…it doesn’t happen often and is cause for celebration. As in, there are no black clubs or some shit. Cuz while we were driving looking for some club to to go to, we happened to come across this spot called Joseph’s that had a line of black people and our hosts damn near lost it. It was already slightly past 1AM and do you know we stopped, parked, got out of the car and were about to go up in this joint…merely because there were black people there!!!!!!!!!! This KNOWING that shit shuts down at 2AM!!!!

Must be how white people feel in Atlanta…

And this aint like it was the professional looking crowd. There were cats with tennis shoes on and jeans…while me and my peoples were dressed up and looking so so sexxy. Ladies and gentlemen…that’s ugly!

[***Sidenote: Since I mentioned a song just now (So Sexy by Twista and R. "Hey Kids, I got a Big Wheelie" Kelly)...let me share with you all my disdain for one "Goodies" by Ciara. I do not like this song. Period. And the fact that LA stations tended to literally play the same 3 songs OVER and OVER again, to include "Goodies" didn't help this cause. In fact, when it came on in the club...I refused to dance. I stood in place with women dancing around me trying to make me move to the smooth gyratious sounds of "Goodies" and I refused. However, Snoop's "Drop It Like It's Hot" just can't ever get old...thank you!***]

Good…Now despite what it sounds like…I really liked LA, a lot. We went to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffle (I think once again in Hollywood) which was good. I mean this place is famous. Everybody’s heard of Roscoe’s. AND we get inside and then Fredro Starr shows up. Who’s Fredro you ask??? Ya know from Onyx…no, not Inxs, Onyx…the group from back in the day with the song “Slam!” No, he’s black!!!!!

Fuck it. I know who he is.

Then Kenny Lattimore and Chante Moore show up. So Roscoe’s was cool and everybody seemed to like their food…except me. I had a damn chicken omelette. Listen every carefully…NEVER NEVER EVER think that frying some chicken and then cutting it up and putting it into some damn egg and cheese omelette is a good idea. In fact…it is a fucked up (bad) idea for which its creator should see some hell time for! It tasted like shit.

[***Another sidenote: Since we are talking about food. Let's talk about drinks right quick. Gin and juice usually consists of orange juice and gin. Well, we didn't have no orange juice...but we did have pineapple-orange-strawberry juice. Man...that's some good shit right there. That combo and overdoing it on the gin...got me fucked up in the game! I suggest that to anybody!***]

Let’s see…good. We cruised through the black sections of town, complete with the necessary viewing of Martin Luther King Blvd and Crenshaw. Since I’m kind of ghetto…that’s good. And you know what…this is how a muhfucka from out of town can die easily in LA. That’s bad. See…in LA, all the neighborhoods that aren’t rich look the same to me. They all look like its Boyz N Tha Hood all over again. With that being said, these neighborhoods don’t LOOK like bad neighborhoods. In fact, they all look like the suburbs to me or rather neighborhoods out here that people would be moving TOO.

On the east coast…there’s usually no denying when you done stepped into a “less than stellar (read bad)” neighborhood. Shit just looks that much different. So, I’m out here like…man, I could live here!!! Until you get stares from others around you like you done lost your damn mind. Basically…always travel with a tour guide who knows where the hell they are or you could easily find yourself in the harm’s way. On the flip side…your last view of life could be of a nice-enough (read good) looking neighborhood.

Just for kicks…we also saw Arnold “The Governator” Schwarzenegger riding a bike with his kid on Venice Beach (good). I don’t care who you are…seeing Arnold is big shit to me. But this also reminds me of the fact that since he is larger than life, I’ll know who he is. I had a few moments of saying…”DAMN…that’s what’s her face…you know the white chick from that show…” and then realizing, I don’t know too many white entertainers names if they aren’t on NBC or in movies with black people (who cares?).

Bad…traffic. Living in Atlanta, you get used to traffic. Living in DC…its a way of life as well. I have a newfound respect for road rage after seeing some of the traffic and road congestion in LA. Who in the shit mandated a traffic jam at 6pm on a Saturday??? Why I ask?? That just isn’t right! (It’s ugly as a matter of fact!)

Good…the people out in LA are literally on some other stuff. I mean, liberalism and free will seem to have found their haven. With that said, we also saw 4 black people being hemmed up by the LAPD in handcuffs facing a wall on Sunset Blvd. (If they did something, good, if not bad…either way, the shit was ugly!)

Basically…it’s just like the movies except everybody drives BMW 745′s or Bentleys or Benzes.

Well since this is getting long…really long…I’ll end this with a good note. And one that I think merits mentioning and might be more important than anything else I learned this whole weekend. The women in Cali are absofuckinlutely ridiculous. I have never seen such a collection of fine women. Well, that’s not true. There is a special place in Atlanta that comes to mind…Spelman…quite a lot of beautiful women there. But for real…there is a whole new level of fine out there. Shit is henceforth known as: Cali Fine.

There were good lookin’ women workin’ in the restaurants, good lookin’ women in the club, good lookin’ women in the streets, in cars (really nice cars too…in fact, that will be another good). We went to a comedy club, The Laugh Factory (where we saw Jim Brown), on Sunday nights for Chocolate Sundays. And while that Chocolate part might be somewhat of a misnomer (there were lots of other folks there, including the comedians), the women in there were off the hook. Me and my Bed-Stuy Bredren were amazed…literally. Short tall, slim, thick, all shades…the black women were gorgeous.

One more time cuz I don’t think you heard me…gorgeous. Now I see why dudes from Cali never want to leave…it all makes sense now.

(BONUS: This shit was ugly right here…I saw a blind woman dressed like a hoochie walking down Venice Blvd. Walking cane, daisy dukes…strutting like she was crack! My comments might have increased my Hell points…but you can’t miss the opportunity to talk about a blind hoochie!)

All in all…I had a damn good time and had an especially good time because I got to hang out with my homegirls from college who live all the way on the Left Coast…which basically means…we never see them. LA is what its cracked up to be…outside of the hood. Big ups to all my folks in LA…

…especially the women…

…please please please come this way. The East Coast needs you…

…beautiful women, nice weather, rich people everywhere, Crenshaw, and blind hoochies…

…only in LA.

[EDIT: This post is currently also on AllHipHop.com's website as an editorial. Shout-outs to Cos for putting me down!]

[EDIT: Also check out The Flow Magazine. I have an article on there in the Express Section entitled "Arrested Development". Props to Tionne and Lisa for the hardwork!]

I?Ĵm a liberal.

Which to me only means that I?Ĵm for affirmative action, not against gay marriages, am pro-choice and women?Ĵs right to choose, and believe in fixing the public school systems while legalizing marijuana and not acting like kids don?Ĵt have sex.

Because you know what? They do.

I also love hip-hop. There seems to be a natural marriage there. Liberal, to me, means being open-minded enough to not judge everybody?ƒ¥s circumstance against some superficial moral barometer that most people claim to live by, but fail to measure up to everyday. And to me, that is the essence of hip-hop. Everybody has a story, some good?ƒ?some bad. At the end of the day though, everybody?ƒ¥s story is his or her own, and it isn?ƒ¥t my place to judge their choices, as long as there is a good beat behind it.

From DJing, to graffiti art, to b-boying, it all seems rooted in a rebellious spirit that a close-minded person wouldn?ƒ¥t be able to understand. The ability to appreciate the art of sampling, or distorting a record to create a new sound through scratching, or taking a plain wall and bombing it to create a work of art seems to require the ability to throw caution to the wind and respect the different points of views and trains of thought. Which to me seems so?ƒ?liberal.

In the past decade and a half, politics and hip-hop have begun to intersect from all angles. From Tupac and dead prez making political statements on wax to Russell Simmons and Puffy getting involved in political activism. And in this vein, it seems like hip-hop takes on that liberal political ideology.

So I have to wonder, where does the conservative fit in hip-hop? And further more, what does the young conservative get out of listening to hip-hop?

As a matter of opinion, the conservative mindset seems to be so judgmental. The liberals are dooming the world to ?ƒ?hell in a hand basket?ƒ? with their stance on gay marriage, and stealing America from hard-working individuals with affirmative action while killing innocent children through abortions, and not being tough enough on crime. Maybe if I grew up under different circumstances I?ƒ¥d think the same way too.

So what does the conservative get out of hip-hop, specifically the music? It?ƒ¥s the music of the streets, the common man, and the struggle. Granted, hip-hop is inescapable nowadays. You can?ƒ¥t turn on the television, the radio, or go to church without hearing some elements of rap music somewhere along the way. But most of the messages in hip-hop are that of somebody?ƒ¥s ability to make it against the obstacles placed in front of them, be it race, class, etc. Hell, even Eminem has a compelling story. He?ƒ¥s made the almost poor white struggle popular (which is just like being black and completely poor). The conservative stance would tell you that race isn?ƒ¥t the obstacle it used to be and that lack of personal responsibility is as much to blame if not more than the ?ƒ?man?ƒ? when it comes to keeping people down.

Most young conservatives seem to have a firm rooting in their faith. Not to say that liberals are all heathens. A lofty percent of liberal individuals are probably firmly entrenched in the church. But younger people tend to be on journeys of exploration. And many of those journeys happen in the religious realm. The number of young people out there who experiment with religion is astounding, if they have any religion at all. I myself have explored all kinds of religions?ƒ?just because. It is this open-mindedness that draws people to hip-hop and its accepting folds. So it?ƒ¥s easy to see how so many young people are into hip-hop and conversely consider themselves liberals. And it would almost make sense that a firm rooting in the church would exclude one from listening to Tupac, 50 Cent, and the like, for obvious reasons such as the overt violence, sexual nature, and all around pride. The latter of which is a deadly sin.

Yet, church is the very place you can find all those same people who listen to the 50 Cents, and Snoops, and hell, anybody popular. So I guess it isn?ƒ¥t far fetched to assume that young conservatives listen to the rap for the same reason as anybody else?ƒ?entertainment. Everybody needs entertainment, and if you are young and black, liberal or conservative, rap is probably your vehicle. I?ƒ¥m also assuming that anybody who would go out of their way to consider themselves a liberal or a conservative has probably spent some amount of time educating themselves. So maybe the ability to separate the fantasy from the reality is a little bit easier. Educated people listen to 50 Cent because the music is just undeniably good (well at least Get Rich or Die Trying, anyway), not to learn about the code of the streets or hear about murder.

At the same token, those same young conservatives who listen to it for entertainment condemn the messengers behind the music. The same rappers that they buy are the same ones who are complaining about their circumstances, and when they say they had to do what they had to do to make it, conservatives claim that they made the wrong choices, because if everybody wants a job, or wants to eat, there are enough jobs and food for everybody. If you don?Ĵt get it, you don?Ĵt want it. Once again, being judgmental. And therein lies the disconnect.

There is no room in hip-hop for passing judgment on people, aside from the standard album review, because let?Ĵs face it, bad music is bad music. Creating a work of art for public consumption leaves itself open to criticism. It?Ĵs how the world works. But judging the art from the vantage point of morality or against some long set aside standard is problematic. And being a conservative with an already judgmental opinion of the circumstances surrounding the art, seems to make it impossible to openly embrace and accept a work of art, no matter how entertaining. Which is why I?Ĵm so confused whenever I come across young conservatives who claim to be into hip-hop. It seems like an oxymoron to me.

As rap music is the voice for so many young people to vent their frustrations or share their view, I have to wonder how young conservatives can appreciate music that very rarely presents their side. Aside from the homophobic nature of hip-hop, which I attribute more to the need to be ?ƒ?the man?ƒ? than anything else, majority of the messages in hip-hop are of the liberal nature. Making it against the odds or beating the system run rampant in the music. The conservative would question those odds and be mad at the system for letting another criminal run free.

So where does the young conservative fit? Too Short taught us to get in where you fit in. But what if you are a square peg trying to fit into a round hole?

Maybe you just don?Ĵt fit.