Lord Help Me…No Really…Please…
Politics.
This is a field I usually try to stay away from. Though it would seem my educational and career choices say otherwise. But every now and then, something brings you back in…in this case, someone. I give you:
Alan Keyes, GOP Senate Candidate from Maryland…er, I mean Illinois.
First, I think I owe an apology to Nelly. Nelly, my bad. I called you potentially the most ignorant mufucka on the planet. I stand corrected. I’m going to give this nod to Alan Keyes…he’s worked harder at it than you have. I apologize.
From the heart.
As I often do in the morning, I peruse numerous media news sites to find out, well basically, what’s going on in the world. I look for the news that is funny…or interesting enough to make me read a whole article…and today, I found that article. You know that article you’ve been waiting your whole life to read but didn’t know you were waiting your whole life to read. You know that article that is purely, the most unintentionally funny shit you’ve ever come across in your life. And yet, there it was…all pristine and waiting. I mean really, nothing stops you dead in your tracks like reading an article with the title…
Keyes: Jesus Wouldn’t Vote For Obama
You can’t make this stuff up. Good God. I have heard and seen it all now. To sum up, Alan “God Got My Back” Keyes, believes that “Christ would not vote for Barack Obama because Barack Obama has voted to behave in a way that it is inconceivable for Christ to have behaved,” in reference to Barack Obama’s votes against anti-abortion legislation.
Let me take a quick, sidebar. Do you mind??? Good. Let’s think about this for a second. What IF Jesus came back AND registered to vote in America? Would Jesus be a Republican or a Democrat? And wouldn’t this cause the greatest shift in voter registration ever??? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be caught on the inside of the wrong party, if you know what I mean. Talk about your political “hot”seat. If Jesus was a Democrat, what would really be your incentive to be a Republican??? And vice versa. From where I’m standing…there’d be none. You couldn’t justify your party affiliation because no matter what you said, it would always come back to…”Well Jesus is a Democrat!”
You’d have no argument there whatsoever.
But back to the lecture at hand. I’m not even going to argue about whether abortion is right or wrong, because, well…I haven’t the foggiest. The next person that plans on dying and coming back needs to address that problem for the rest of us down here. Lord knows (no pun intended), that would clear up the debate. Other topics needing to be addressed:
-Gay Marriage
-Omarosa Effect on Reality TV shows (further evidenced by Ananda on The Player)
-Chicken vs. Egg
-Bungee Jumping: Playing With God’s Emotions or What?
-Cloning: Does this violate any commandments?
-Shoot, are there any other commandments we may not know about??
You get the drift. The fact that Keyes has even invoked Jesus name into the elections is ridiculous enough as it is…but wait, there’s more!!! Keyes has also taken Obama’s statments to another level (remember, you CANNOT make this up!):
On Tuesday, Keyes complained about a remark Obama made while campaigning downstate. “I don’t want to just win, I want to give this guy who is running against me a spanking,” Obama said of Keyes.
Keyes asserted that Obama’s use of the word spanking was “the language of the master who, when he is displeased with the slave, gives him a whipping.”
As if on cue, the next line in the article, clearly and explicitly, and completely comedically:
“Both men are black.”
But because Keyes isn’t shy about anything, he also dropped this gem:
Keyes also brought up race last month when he compared Obama’s views on abortion to “the slaveholder’s position.”
Now, I realize he is trying to win an election. So, let’s take a step back and look at this from an electoral view, shall we? Why, yes we shall! To me it seems that he is pandering to black people…I mean who else are you talking to if you decide that you are going to make comments relative to slavery? Obviously you aren’t talking to white people. But see, what I don’t think he realizes, is that he IS TALKING TO WHITE PEOPLE!! In more than one regard.
First regard: Illinois is comprised of (drumroll please) mostly, yep you guessed it, WHITE PEOPLE! A good 73%, compared to 15% black people. So, who is going to get you elected??? If you guessed, WHITE PEOPLE, give yourself a pat on the back! Go ahead, you deserve it! So who, more than likely (and sad to say) is most likely to be reading and hearing these comments…yep, once again, WHITE PEOPLE. Why are you trying to sway the black vote?? I concede that you can’t take any vote for granted…but good gracious Alan, you’re taking this a little far don’t you think?
But…let’s REALLY look at this OTHER regard…and yes, I know that makes no sense whatsoever. In the history of this country, there have been some turbulent times…more specifically, slavery was a big problem. Slavery was a problem because, well, there were people who owned slaves…for the sake of argument, let’s call them, shit I don’t know, slaveholders. They were WHITE PEOPLE.
Slaveholder=White People. (And I don’t want to hear about some blacks owned slaves. I know. We ain’t talking about them!)
As a white person, wouldn’t you think that was a little fishy. Those terms are damn near interchangeable. He even uses “master” in there. Now let’s be really honest…and I mean brutally honest…
White people don’t like to talk about slavery. Ever. So why in the shit would you, when trying to win an election, go national and use slave rhetoric in your speeches and debates? It just doesn’t give the people, the slaveholders aka WHITE PEOPLE that are going to elect you, that warm fuzzy feeling they need. I mean really, they already have to accept the fact that a black man is going to be elected whether they like it or not…let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. If I was white, I’d be a little bit perplexed and pissed that he is basically saying that Obama is taking on slaveholder mentalities and positions. If I’m white and anti-abortion, are you basically saying I think like a slaveholder????
Shaky ground, my brother…and I’m not talking The Temptations either, Alan.
The bottom line here is this…Alan Keyes is something akin to an idiot. He really played the Jesus card, the race card, and the slavery card…against another black man…which only doesn’t equate to getting Omarosa’d because this is an election, and he’s running AGAINST Obama. But damn Alan…
If you think about, if it was up to Keyes…once Jesus quit taking walks with Kanye and finally registered to vote, he’d vote for Alan Keyes…and you should too!
Ladies and gentlemen, you CANNOT make this stuff up.
Amen.