[All names, save my own, have been erased from this entry. No incriminating statements will be made because...well...what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!]
Las Vegas, Nevada AKA Sin City. Good googly moogly. I just spent the last 5 days and 4 nights in America’s Den of Iniquity.
Why did I really wait this long to go???
For starters, let me begin by saying how fortunate I am (and yes this will be a little mushy). I went to college and made a shitload of friends. I don’t mean people I know from college, but literally a shitload of friends for life. Friends I can travel across country with and have the best damn time of my life. And its been time-tested and proven over and over again. It dawned on me on my way back from Las Vegas (one of the most depressing flights I’ve ever been on…or would have been if I wasn’t sleeping) that every single big weekend or big trip that turned out to be RIDICULOUSLY fun has involved nearly the same people. Not to say that every trip has been completely peachy keen…we’re young and black, minor drama’s unfold…but at the end of the day, my life is better because of all of these people, the folks I can’t afford to lose as friends. So with that, to all of them who might read this…I say Thanks for the memories…let’s make more.
Shit. That was the most mushy thing I’ve done in a long time. Glad that’s over with.
So the best way I think I can get across my point that everybody MUST venture to Vegas…is to create a sort of things to know and do if going to Vegas in the same manner in which I went. How did I go you ask???
Thirteen people(4 males, 9 females), rented house with pool/jacuzzi/3 bathrooms/4 bedrooms/huge closet/no bathroom door on master bathroom/pool table, 3 cars, lots of liquor, close in proximity to EVERYTHING…I think that about sums it up.
So without further ado…
Panama Jackson & Co.’s Guide To Living La Vida Loca In Vegas: 18 Things To Know About Vegas Without Telling You a Single Thing That REALLY Happened In Vegas
Follow me…
There are some things you need to know upfront. Like…
1) There aren’t many black people in Vegas. That’s not completely true, I mean there are black people there, but we were hard pressed to find young attractive women there. And yes, that means we were looking. I can literally count on one hand the total number of “fine” women I saw in Vegas…and two of them were on the flight I was on going to Vegas. I’m not saying that this is a total problem, I’m just saying that this needs to be prepared for when planning a trip. You can’t say to yourself, “Self, I’m gonna go to Vegas and meet all these attractive black people and enjoy myself that way…” Luckily we brought the entertainment with us, from the male point of view.
2) When renting a house, two things that showed themselves to be the most important things to know first off are: a) how to work the pool/jacuzzi, and b) how to manage toilet sensitivity. Knowing how to work the temperature settings on a pool is vital because sitting in a 105 degree pool in 105 degree weather is something like a bitch. When a temperature change of 102 to 1o1 is cause for excitement…you know you have no idea what the shit you are doing. Know that! And toilet sensitivity…what can you say about this except…some people talk shit, and some people REALLY back it up! Knowing the subtle technicalities of the toilets you will be using is potentially the most important aspect of renting a house because…shit smells. But two day old shit smells worse. Unless you have been sitting there and gotten desensitized to the shit smells because the toilet don’t work and the person you called to fix it doesn’t seem to understand that you are sitting in a house that smells like, well shit…
[Sidenote: It never really occured to me this weekend how vulnerable you feel when you drop a brick in the toilet and it just won't flush. Is this not the most tender moment of your life? You can't hide it...you will be found out. It's like a contract between you and the toilet that has been unfulfilled. You crap, you flush, transaction should be done. However, when that simple equation is out of balance...it stays on your mind until that shit is gone. Shit is real. (I'm loving throwing around these puns!) As of 655am, Monday, September 6, 2004, by then a 3 day old contract had not been fulfilled...so sad jojo!]
3) Vegas is hot! But its dry heat…so its hot but not uncomfortable…so much. But just know that at 9am on any given day in the summer, potentially you might burn the fuck up…
4) Vegas is actually a nice looking place. I never knew how unnecessary grass was. The desert landscape was actually kind of tight. Forget kind of, I loved it. It was just open land as opposed to the congestion that envelopes a lot of northern cities. Stars and all that stuff. Which begs the question. Camera, no camera??? See this is a potential problem. Old people on vacation, camera. Young 20 somethings on vacation in a house with lots of rooms and a pool, liquor, and time on their hands…not so sure. I really don’t know how I feel about this one…THAT’S HOW MUCH FUN VEGAS CAN BE!!!
5) Time drags slow as hell. Which is great if you are on vacation and have a 3 hour jet lag that makes the days extremely long and enjoyable…but horrible if you are waiting for a mufucka to come fix a hot ass pool and a toilet that has been backed up and is constantly beating down any potential contenders in the “My House Smells Like______” competition!
6) Gambling is addictive. In fact, its so addictive that the whole notion of really knowing when to quit in fact is a myth. Racist Moment of the Day: In Vegas, any body other than Asian women dealers are recommended at any table you sit down at. Why do I say this?? Well, let’s just say, fun white guy with glasses: Panama’s Profit: $100, Asian Lady with scowl: Panama’s Profit: -$100. This situation occured at more than one casino. Take that information and do with it what you will…but Asian women took my money, don’t let them take yours!
Things to keep in mind…
7) The city never sleeps…with that said, going out at 1am to any club is not a good idea. You know why? Because the line will be hella long and you won’t get in and you’ll leave and go gambling in the casino and lose the money you were GOING to spend to get in the club, erego forfeiting not only your club visit, but the possibility of a club visit in the future and the slot machines and dealers will gladly alleviate you from your club money, liquor money, clothes money, etc…ALL because your ass went out too late to the club. Leave at a reasonable time.
Liquor. It is imperative that you know your drinking limit…as in, the point where you won’t piss off anybody by getting drunk either on the way too or on the way from the club and force folks to either have to leave early or stop, let’s say…3 times on the way from the strip because you have to have a family moment with your cousin Hurl. And even worse than that…if you make people stop…make sure your cousin Hurl does in fact show up, cuz if he doesn’t…people won’t like you anymore. Well that’s not true…at all. But they won’t like you at 4am anymore. 3am is fine.
9) Liquor again. Hmmm…young able bodied 20 somethings, a lot of liquor…and more money to buy more liquor. Let me say, this is perfect for Las Vegas and that whole notion, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. In fact, I think I drank more liquor this week(end) than I did water. That’s not good…but dammit, I had a good time. AND I took one day off of drinking and still managed to feel like my blood had thinned all the way out from drinking and taking shots of Goldshlagger, Vodka, Rum, and anything else that was laying around the house.
10) Liquor again again. Know your MENTAL limit. Basically, make sure your dumb ass will remember what happened TOMORROW so you don’t have to be that asshole that THINKS nothing happened but isn’t quite sure. No regrets is one thing…but if you can’t even remember what you aren’t supposed to be regretting…fucker…you might regret it. Remember that and Vegas can be your oyster.
11) Black people actually do bungee jump.
12) Food can be really cheap in Vegas. Unfortunately, I’m speaking from hearsay because well…let’s just say its important to know that the place you are going, say The Venetian on Las Vegas Boulevard, for instance actually has a buffet as opposed to a restaurant that isn’t so cheap forcing you to spend something like, I don’t know, hypothetically speaking, $30 on a chicken parmesan meal with noodles so hard that they could be used to hang yourself after realizing you left a $10 buffet at, I don’t know, Circus Circus, because the people going to eat with you assumed but didn’t know they didn’t have a buffet at, I don’t know, say The Venetian. I’m just saying…I’ve been told food can be cheap in Vegas.
13) Vacationing with people you get along with, and with people who internally get along is a definite plus. With that said, with a lot of people…everybody can’t agree for shit. I suggest not giving a shit what other folks are doing if you have the car keys and do what you feel like doing after everybody gets somewhere and then half the group decides they want to do something else only to eventually have you drive their asses back home so we can have a party there but everybody falls the fuck asleep and its 330am so you don’t feel like driving by yourself back to the strip so you are just sitting around a bunch of mufuckas who are sleeping killing your buzz and party spirit. Basically, if you got the keys, fuck ‘em.
14) Parking is free. Except when you go inside the casino and blow your money.
14a) Drinks are free. Except when you go inside the casino and blow your money.
15) The potential to go to hell for the many things that you might possibly conceive of in Vegas is high. Howerver, going to hell for the shit that comes out of nowhere IS HIGHER. Hypothetically speaking…say you go into an ice cream parlor, of Coldstone Creamery Variety, and while having a conversation about hamsters you notice a guy cleaning the ice cream display case and then you notice that said individual who walked in there normally by all accounts turns out to have one really short leg to go with one tall ass shoe with a whole lot of sole. And you also happen to notice that said shoe is ridiculously clean as if he windexed the shit out of his shoes too. And in mid-sentence you look around to see if you are indeed making this up and nobody else has noticed only to find that somebody else has noticed causing you both to have to excuse yourself so that you don’t laugh at this situation…not the person, but because you don’t like surprises. See…there is a lot of potential for hell because of those kind of surprises…which may or may not have happened. All I know is that my shoes ain’t never been so white…and I’m a soul brother! Get it sole/soul…I’ll see you in hell…thank you.
16) Screaming white men in wheel chairs with icepicks screaming to the masses to leave him the fuck alone in the middle of a crosswalk he refuses to leave should be avoided at all costs.
17) Liquor x4. This is very important. When leaving a casino drunk you will have problems finding your car. Every time. It is important to have somebody either write or strive with everything in them to remember where in the shit you parked because all of the parking decks/lots look the exact fucking same after you’ve had enough “free” drinks that you’ll sit down at a table with an Asian dealer who will get blackjack 2 times in a row relieving you of all that money that was holding you down.
18) And lastly, please please please tip the rental car bus drivers and black curbside courier outside the United Airlines terminal so that you don’t have to worry that the look he had in his eye was one of “Your bags will be in Denver when you get to D.C. for not tipping me bee-yotch.” It can save you the stress.
If you read this and follow these tips, your trip to Vegas can be as fun and productive as mine was. Of course there are a lot of things I’m leaving out, and some of what’s been written was influenced by stuff that did happen…but shit, they don’t make those commercials for nothing. Get thee to Vegas to create your own adventures and memories.
Las Vegas 2004. Ain’t no place like it!