Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

***ATTENTION ALL RAPPERS: VALUABLE INFORMATION ALERT***

Said to the tune of Jay-Z’s “PSA” from The Black Album:

Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is…Panama Jackson. You might remember me from such Public Service Announcement’s as “Hey, Don’t Run Over Your Own Children” and “Tips to Finding You’re Real Daddy If Your Momma Has Been on a Talk Show and the Test Results were Inconclusive!”

Today, we are gonna talk about being a successful rapper…again, in today’s PSA entitled, “Why You Are a Failure as a Rapper!!!”

You know, I think I’ve misled the troops. I guess I can’t say troops right now, what with the war going on, somebody might come across this shit and see “misled” and “troops” and decide that I’m at fault for Dubya’s war…so let me rephrase…

I was wrong. I put bad information out there. A long time ago, I created a blueprint if you will, of what it takes to be a rapper in today’s day and age. (If you care, it can be seen here.) I’ve discovered what it really takes to be a popular and successful rapper nowadays. And truthfully, it has shit to do with actual abilities.

It’s all in a name. Yes, nigga…a name. Conventional wisdom tells us to choose something that makes sense or is unique to us. I’m here to tell you that this is pure and utter biship. In fact, that is how to write yourself off into relative obscurity.

[**Sidenote: I'm talking about individual rapper names here as well. Group names do not adhere to this paradigm I'm about to share. In fact, the stupider your group name...the worse off you are. Props to Cos, for making me remember Da Bush Babees from back in the day...dumb name, no sales, despite having Mos Def on one of their biggest hits, "The Love Song" remix.***]

Back to the lecture at hand. I’m going to help you all aspiring rappers understand how to choose a name that will undoubtedly launch your career regardless of your talent. Of course there is a non-name related element here that we are going to cover later as well. But for now let’s stick to the names.

SECTION 1: The Dumb Ass Name

The first step to choosing a name is to choose something that is absofuckinlutely stupid. Basically, when you take this name to your boys, you should worry about their reaction. And when you try this name out on women, you should be afraid of being embarrassed. This is vital. Take for instance, Snoop Doggy Dogg. There is no way in hell you can convince me that ANYBODY told him that shit was a good idea from jump. But he persevered through all the laughs, giggles, and pointing. BOOM…Snoop D-O-double G is the fuckin’ man. This nigga can rock curly Q’s, braids, a perm, or anything and people will accept it. And we understand…cuz this niggas name is Snoop Doggy Dogg.

And this shit plays out with lots of other rappers too. You got your 50 Cent. Really, how many people know that he took his name from a notorious Brooklyn drug dealer who died at like age 21? Not many…but what you do know is that if you got 2 quarters, you got 50 Cent! Presto-changeo…almost 900,000 units in his first week. Getting shot did help his cause though. But hell, why not? Make it happen! And think of some of the way stupider names such as Fab-o-lous. Now you KNOW folks were laughing at his ass for that one. Hell people still are. And where can you find BK’s Breevort Homes finest now…on BET, MTV, MTV2 telling folks to “Breathe” right now.

Names to Ponder: Jay-Z (when his name is Shawn Carter), Dr. Dre (surgery, I think not!), Big Boi (nigga aint fat or tall), Andre 3000 (speaks for itself), Bonecrusher, Trick Daddy, Wu-Tang Clan [RZA, GZA, Masta Killa, Method Man, Ghostface Killah, Chef Raekwon, Ol' Dirty Bastard (a personal favorite), U-God (what the hell?!?!?), Inspectah Deck (again, what the hell??!?!), Cappadonna], Mos Def (my vote for tightest name in hip-hop), Xzibit (at a museum, no???), LL Cool J, Eminem, DMX, Jadakiss, Mase…this can really go on all day

I have to do a special section for one of the stupidest names of all time: Ice Cube. I really wish to hell somebody could explain this shit to me? But then you know what…it might be deep and then my whole theory would go out the window…except for the fact that a grown ass man would call himself Ice Cube which is just too stupid to call deep. And you know what…it worked cuz ain’t NOBODY questioning Cube. Hell, we even call the nigga…Cube. And that shit is hard as hell. To Ice Cube (and might as well throw in Ice T), creator of the really stupid ass name. Your success makes me proud!

[***Another Side Note: I think that if dead prez split as a group, they'd be successful individually, regardless of the fact that they are on some extremely militant stuff. Actually, I think that their militancy helps since its so extreme it makes no sense. You just can't take them serious. So individually, M-1 and Stic.man would be huge!***]

Just think about the success of the people I named, all dumb ass names on paper. Now let’s look at the other side of this paradigm. People with names that have some deep meaning. People people people…this is a fatal flaw. You’ll never really get bigger than the undergound and achieve real success…you know selling albums and shit. Take names like Common (changed from Common Sense after a lil lawsuit problem), Planet Asia, Gift of Gab, Talib Kweli (which is a shame cuz its his name), Speech (we can argue his place in hip-hop later), Wordsworth, etc. These are all very gifted MC’s…yet they are held back by their name…which ironically leads them toward the inevitable permanent underground. These names reek of depth and thought. I wouldn’t be embarassed with any of these names because there actually is a depth behind them. And it’s held them back!

[Exception: Q-Tip. Only because this name is so simple did people not think that what he means is that he can get in your ears and your head...like a Q-Tip. Only our own ignance and corporate America saved his ass. Pleezbaleevdatshit!]

Pick any of your favorite underground rappers and examine their names? Go ahead, its okay…look at their names and it will tell you why they are underground. All that thinking shit is annoying. The more you have to think, the worse off you are. Simple…thats what they want! Snoop Doggy Dogg, Juicy J, Juvenile, Eightball, Scarface…simple and easy to pinpoint the origin.

[***Another Nother Sidenote: When its too easy to pinpoint the origin, say your name is WhiteBoy and you're white, well, once again you're doomed to local success if you're entertaining enough. Just think about this ahead of time, White Dawg, White Car, Guerilla Black (like you ain't get that shit from G-Unit nigga...)***]

SECTION 2: The Ambiguously Gay Name

Now, another way to make it is to either have an ambiguously gay name or be associated with a nigga that has an ambiguously gay name. Say…I don’t know, Nelly. Or Cam’ron. Or…and you know it pains me to say this…..KANYE. I don’t know about you…but I knew a chick named Nelly, and I also used to say, “whoa, Nelly” in reference to horses. That’s about it. And it works. Cam’ron is the hardcore male version of Cameron…which can really go either way. Kanye is clearly a black name…and only now because he is popular will only males have this name. See also: Pharrell.

And being associtated with the ambiguosly gay named negro will definitely help. Take Marion “Suge” Knight (guess he got it coming and going), and Sean “Puffy/P.Diddy” Combs. Shit I guess he did too. Not only do these dudes have ambiguously gay REAL names. They have ambiguously gay NICKNAMES too. And they are both ridiculously filthy rich millionaires. Being associated with them will bring you fame and maybe fortune.

So what have we learned…either you have to have a stupid ass name that will get you laughed at or an ambiguously gay name or association with an ambiguosly gay named character. This shit is time tested and proven.

STEP 3: Personality

NOW…and I hate to say this because some of you aspiring rappers just might lose out on this part. There is also that extra shit that they all have…personality. They also got the kinds of personalities that will keep them pushing that stupid ass name over and over again. Which is probably why they are successful entertainers anyway. If you don’t have personality…go back to college and pick up a book because you are not going to make it even if your name is some shit like…Spee-Ker. Actually, that’s stupid as hell, so it just might work.

Do with this knowledge what you will…but I’m telling you. It’s all in a name. Now go forth and be somebody!

This has been a Public Service Announcement provided by Panama D. Jackson sponsored by Jackson G. Tickle Entertainment.

“…and let what others say come true…”-Curtis Mayfield, “We People Who Are Darker Than Blue”, Curtis, 1970

There’s a disconnect in black society…and it’s a big one. It’s very simple actually, but to leave it at that just wouldn’t be my style. And like Nas says, “You know my style.”

So what is the disconnect??

Well, quite plainly and simply…

Old black people don’t get young black people.

Plain and simple. Period.

And I’m not talking about Bill Cosby and his statements, cuz, well, I tend to agree with his POINT for the most part. I’m talking about older black people not understanding some of the fads and causes younger black folks take up nowadays. You know, shit like, hippity-hop music, and “wearing your pants hanging off your ass.” And why do you all wear that stuff on your shirts that makes no sense, and “boy, you don’t even know who Che is??”

Granted some of our fads and trends do go overboard. But sometimes, things we do, make a real statement…even if the person wearing/saying/doing/making the statement doesn’t realize it. And sometimes, we take older things from the past, re-define them, and turn them into pop culture mainstays. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.

The word…nigga, comes to mind.

And older people just don’t get it. Before I go into depth with this…let me explain what brought this on. I was on the subway (in DC its the Metro) platform waiting on the train so I could go to work AKA Starbucks. A train came (that shit ryhmes…), the doors open, and a young girl, looking maybe 19 or 20, steps off the train with a shirt that says “Uppity Negress”. I’ve seen them shirts around DC a lot (unintentional, but necessary promotion by Panama Jackson…here), so I paid it no mind. However, these two older black women who got on the trian with me were appalled that this young girl would wear something like that.

They were heated, and the thing is I kind of understand where they are coming from but also understand where the girl was coming from (if I may assume she really had any clue what the fuck she was wearing). See, myself and my peers are at that weird age…the cusp, if you will (ooooooooh giiirrrrrrrrrrrl, Panama getting all educated…wit’ words like…cusp), that point where we are young enough to understand where young folks get the rebellious spirit and fads from…I mean, hell we are still young too. But I’m also old enough to understand where some of the un-understanding from the older generation comes from.

We just view shit completely differently. The older generation, say my parent’s and grandparent’s generation, view some of our fads and shit as…you ain’t no activist nigga, why the fuck you just drawing attention to yourself. We had to go through a lot just so you could go to the same schools as white folks…but you want to go and offend whitey with some shit like “Uppity Negro” or “Nat Turner University” on your shirt. I myself am prone to wearing headwraps…rather, t-shirts on my head from time to time cuz I think that shit looks tight. I see a headwrap, my father sees a t-shirt. And to him that’s just stupid. I’m using my dad as a proxy for the older generation though he isn’t even really that old…buddy isn’t even 50 yet. But he’s from the backwoods of Alabama…HOME of the old soul.

Younger people view things from the perspective of being an individual. Don’t get me wrong…a lot of my friends view that t-shirt on my head as a t-shirt too…but they still think it looks alright. Young people nowadays, especially young black kids, want to stand out and say something. Everybody wants a voice. Whereas the older generation, to me, got lazy at a certain point with thinking things were okay…we got to go to the same schools, got some jobs, and can live in the suburbs now…they wanted to blend in and not rock the boat. They worked so hard just to get us to be able to blend in, that drawing unnecessary attention makes no sense.

Nowadays, every young person wants to rock the boat. Everybody wants to be seen and make a statement of some sort. Everybody has a cause nowadays. And some people are silent activists…whether it be wearing a Fred Hampton t-shirt, or rocking a Che Guevara shirt (though I think this is more fad than anything…I seriously doubt most people have read this cat’s 700 page biography). That girl wearing her “Uppity Negress” shirt was potentially her equivalent of saying,”I’m black and I’m proud.” I doubt my parents would have a problem with that.

Which all boils down to what it actually says. Uppity negroes got hung. Not at the club…from trees. Uppity negro is a term that derives from the days of slavery. An uppity negro was one of them negroes who didn’t just take what the slave master gave him but put his chin up to take his whips. Basically, an uppity negro…

…was a nigga with pride.

Pride got you killed in some places. And in some places, not so long ago. Nowadays, young black people are so proud that being black is the cool shit to do. Even the little white kids emulate black culture left and right, sometimes going way to damn far. Asian kids emulate black culture. Basically…young black culture is everywhere…because we took that black and i’m proud stance…and made it “the” culture. I’m not saying things are okay at all…racial tensions still boil over all the time. Race still is, and will always be what’s wrong with America. But being an uppity negro right now is okay. And I think older black folks are okay with that, until…

…they see it on shirts for the public to see. It’s okay to talk about the shit behind closed doors…but you don’t let the white man know who you are. Which is part of the disconnect. Older black people liked to move in silence. Thats why a lot of black folks had problems with the Martin Luther King, Jr.’s, and Malcolm X’s, and the Black Panthers, and the H. Rap Browns. They felt that these people were going to make things worse by being so vocal and visable. Fuck that, they feared things would get worse. And I think some people still feel that way today. Seeing that “Uppity Negress” shirt might have made that older black woman feel like she might have to pay for that girls pride somehow.

That young girl might have felt that we’ve already paid for not having any pride…its time to take a fuckin’ stand. I’m still young so I still try to walk the walk…and I get comments from older black people, even in my family. They just write it off as Panama being Panama now…they even expect it. And they know I mean it. And hopefully as these young people start to get older…that fear of having to pay for pride goes away and and its expected for us to hold our heads high for everyone to see…and the disconnect disappears…

But for now…to that sister on the train, from one Uppity Negro to another…

I’m black and I’m proud.

We’re connected.

Scene: Washington, DC, on the Steps of the Capitol as The People try to hold Protest Panama back…

The People: No, quit, don’t rock the boat!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?

Protest Panama (I’m really going to start marketing these joints as dolls, er, I mean, action figures): Fuck that, somebody’s got to say it!!!!!!

The People: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

I’m going to go ahead and say it…

I want my 40 acres.

They can keep the damn mule. What with all the “When Animals Attack” stories popping up all over the news nowadays, it wouldn’t surprise me if the mule started tripping.

Then who’s the jackass??

Shit, ask Roy…

But really, I want my land. You see, after the Civil War, General William T. Sherman promised (in the midst of burning down Georgia) 40 acres of land and a mule to all of the freed slaves as part of the whole Reconstruction deal. Actually, it was meant only for the families of coastal South Carolina and Florida, but let’s act like this fact doesn’t exist.

Okay??? Okay.

On my recent trip to Las Vegas, I happened to look out of the airplane window as I made my first cross-country flight. I have never been to the West Coast so this was my first time getting this far. And you know what I saw out of my window? A lot of got damn land that NOBODY was using. Granted a lot of it could have very well been in Wyoming or some other random state that nobody cares about…but shit, if its there…I want it. There really is a lot of land out there that nobody is occupying.

It truly amazed me. I was looking out of this airplane window and observing the great American landscape. America’s heartland is huge. Living over here on the East Coast you really don’t get the chance to appreciate America too often. We don’t have any open space. Damn near every usable piece of land has something on it: church, liquor store, hooker, etc.

So it was on this flight that it dawned on me. America REALLY could give us, black people that is, each 40 acres. Whether or not we put anything on it is a moot point. And I also know that President Andrew Jackson vetoed the plan, but really Big And Dog…y’all could have done it. And Big Bush Dog could still right this wrong. With Big Congress Dog’s help of course.

Now what would I do with my 40 acres since I want it??? Who knows, probably nothing. But if I decide I want to do something I should be able too. If I decide that I want to go sit and pick my toenails on my private property for 40 days and 6 nights…well, by Jiminy Crickett…I should be able too.

Now, just to be a little pessimistic here, I’m one of those people that doesn’t think Reparations are ever coming. Nor do I think that monetary reparations is a good thing (I wrote a paper on this outlining MY considerations for reparations, maybe one day I’ll post it here). UNLESS…we get 40 got damn acres of land to build whatever the shit we want too. Man, negroes would build clubs, record studios. If they gave all black people our 40 acres, and some reparations money, and concentrated it into a certain area where we could all pool our assets and create a truly black run and operated city (I hate to say this…I really do, but I’m also assuming here that this black run city wouldn’t allow backbiting and the “crabs in a barrel” mentality to run itself into the ground). And I’m not talking Detroit people!!!

I’m talking about a city that people would actually want to live in here!!!! Of course, after it is bombed and America’s black population is dwindled to a mere 3 %, and Matrix like conditions exist for black people and Babylon is what we are left with…maybe just maybe I’ll think it wasn’t such a good idea! But until then…

You know what…I think I digressed in there somewhere, big time.

But back to my point. I want my 40 acres. Now I recognize I just can’t run up to Congress and say…”bitch give me my land.” Obviously I’d have to be a little more nuanced and finessed about my methods. So I’ve created a few reasons that Congress should give me my damn 40 acres. Heeeeeeeeeeeere we go:

Panama’s 4 Reasons Uncle Sam Should Give Me My Land, Bitch

1) Because they can. We’re gonna have a little math lesson right quick. The United States has something like 9 billion acres on it. (I actually did the math, and converting acres to meters to kilometers is a bitch…thank you.) I’m assuming that a lot of that is being used up. If every black person was given 40 acres, and I’m assuming something like 35 million black folks, that’s roughly 261 acres per person (9 billion divided by the 35 million). We only want 15% of that (40). That leaves almost 8 billion acres left. Shit…that sounds like a whole lot of damn land left. And I know every major city isn’t using all of that, which means there’s a lot of land available. Give me my land bitch.

2) Cuz so many other promises fell through. Shit, there STILL is racial inequality today. It wasn’t more than 40 years ago that governors were standing in the doorways of universities barring black students from attending. There is still housing discimination, education disparities, and restaurant priveleges. They lucky we should have known better with Cracker Barrell (I mean they told us with the title, how fuckin’ obvious can they be) cuz that could have easily been a target on the “Shit that Needs to be burnt down” list. So, sumumabitch, its time to right them wrongs! You give me my land…It’d be a good start…

3) Shit we don’t own no houses (at least I don’t), I’d feel better about myself with a few acres to call my own. Like I said earlier, whether I use it or not is irrelevant…I just want my own shit. Between student loans and car payments, I’m not gonna own myself until I’m around 35. Give me my land, bitch.

and, finally…

4) Well, its only right, and I’d even say please. God and my kindergarten teacher said “Share.” We obviously don’t have anything…so give it over! Share, bitch.

Give me my land, bitch.

Clearly I’m talking about Uncle Sam AKA Starbucks here…not necessarily white people giving up the land. Cuz while I’m at it…I want all the poor white people to get some got damn land too. Damn that, I want poor everybody to get some land too, regardless of race, creed, or color!!! This is my decree! All I know is that, I’ve seen the vast homeland we call America out of my airplane window…now I want some of it…

Is that so much to ask?????

“…I went to Cheesecake, he was a motherfucking waiter there…”-Kanye West, “School Spirit”, The College Dropout, 2004

[***DISCLAIMER: This post will have lots of "college" words scattered throughout to pay homage to the college graduates or just all around edumacated mufuckas who might read this.***]

***Crowd: KANYE! KANYE!!!!!!! KANYE!!!!!!!

***Kanye: Thank you everybody for coming to my show…fuck college!

I like Kanye West. But the ubiquitous blowjob he is receiving really needs to end. Everywhere I go, I keep hearing people talking about how Kanye is saving hip-hop and how he is so positive and not rapping about guns, hoes (which he does), or violence. I hear about how he is a different breed of rapper, and how great an album The College Dropout is.

Good got damn people. Let’s be real. This is a downright…travashamockery!!!

It’s amazing to me how his whole “college dropout” message seems to get overlooked by everybody when they are on this whole tip about Kanyeezy being so positive. Everytime I hear somebody say, Kanye ain’t talking about that regular shit like everybody else but things that are relevant I think to myself that people are completely and utterly full of biship!!! (Check Wyclef Jean’s The Carnival if you don’t know what “biship” is!)

Duplicitous.

The problem isn’t even really that he makes the point on his album that college is unnecessary. I’ve had this same discussion with myself sometimes. Yeah I’ve got something to fall back on…but dammit, by 25 Tupac was in 6 movies, had like 6 albums, and had the wherewithall to get his self to Vegas to plan, stage, and execute his own murder. Because I went to college, I wasn’t able to do as much since I was in class….sometimes. The problem is that he drives the point home so well! I mean there is no mistaking where he stands on college. His basic stance is…

Fuck college. Reprehensible, I tell you, reprehensible.

He dropped out and is a millionaire. All you bastards who decided that staying in college to earn those degrees was what you were supposed to do won’t make what he does…suckers. And this is the nigga people are praising??? Of course, we are the same generation that would invite R. Kelly to the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation’s Annual Legislative Conference amidst all the positivity. I’m not saying he doesn’t make good music, I’m just saying, that we really know how to screw up a good event by having either a: crackhead, rapist, alleged rapist, murderer, etc. on our national stage with us.

And I guess R. Kelly love the kids…right???

Now before I get labeled as a Kanye hater, let me say this. I recognize that Kanye does have a helluva knack as a producer, and is a better than average MC…or at least is worth listening too. I am even entertained by him on most occasions. His brash self confidence and conceit is amazing to me. Basically, this negro REALLY believes in himself. It’s wonderful to know that some people actually do believe so much in themselves that they will not allow themselves to fail. And for that, I offer praise…even if he is an asshole from time to time.

Nincompoop. (You got to love these college words!!!!)

However, his message to me is more damaging than any guns 50 Cent is talking about. Think about this. A large portion of the people listening to his CD are already in or graduated from college. For some reason Kanye is the new “thinking man’s rapper”. Ask me not for I know not why this is! However, Kanye represents a lot of things…thinking man’s rapper, underground rap’s commercial backpacker, Kanye is for the kids…

And because of this, his message won’t be so effective to those people. However, a lot of younger people listen to his music too. His persona is charming enough that folks from 8 to 80 will want to hear this CD. It’s those young people who already hear and think that their only way out is through basketball or rap who are going to be affected by this music. There are a lot of youngsters who honestly are on the fence about college. They know they are supposed to go, but aren’t completely sure why. When a large portion of your neighborhood is stuck in the same place generation after generation, you just might lose hope. These kids hear time and time again in school that they are supposed to go to college but some just don’t get why…

He even goes so far as to mock those people pursuing future degrees. If its one thing we NEED in the black community its somebody else giving us more ridicule for being smart. And THIS is the nigga we praise. It’s a shame to me honestly…but its what we live for and are okay with in our community too. Smart kids are shamed into hiding it and dumb kids are the kids everybody wants to be like. Funny, how white kids can be coke heads…but will get a 4.0. They might catch hell for the drug habit, but never for the grades. The dumbing down of black America continues and it has help from some of raps biggest names. 50 Cent might tell you to shoot everybody, but at least they pissed him off first.

A lot of our youth don’t see the reason to go to college, and just to make things clear…Kanye tells you why not to go…

Now beat that
And your mothers sayin ?ƒ?go to college?ƒ?
So u finish college and its wonderful
U feel so good
And after all the partying and crazing
And don?Ĵt forget about that drug habit u picked up at school bein around your peers
Hey now you?Ĵll get that 25 thou, job a year and
You?Ĵll spend all your money on crack cocaine, but it?Ĵll be you?Ĵre your money
No more borrowin money from mom for my high
So now you get ur degree tattooed on your back your so excited about it
If u continue to work at the GAP, after several interviews,
Oh my god!
You?Ĵll come in at an entry level position and when u do that
If u kiss enough ass, you?Ĵll move up to the next level
Which is being a secretary?Ĵs secretary!
And boy is that great, you get to take messages for the secretary
Who never went to college
Shes actually the bosses niece, so now your apart of the family
You know what college does for you?
It makes you really smart man
All you kids want to talk in the back of the class not me, I listened, ok
I was a hall monitor,
This was meant to be, You know how many classes I took, extra classes extra classes
No I?Ĵve never had sex but you know what, my degree keeps me satisfied
When a lady walks to me says ?ƒ?hey u know whats sexy??ƒ?
I say ?ƒ?no, I don?ƒ¥t know what it is,
but I bet I can add up all the change in your purse really fast?ƒ?.
-”School Spirit Skit 1″, The College Dropout

Good job Kanye…your mother should be proud!!!

And according to this guy…she is!!!!

***EDIT (9/14/04): As if the hip-hop world jumping on his jock wasn’t bad enough…the gospel community has straight flipped its wig. The College Dropout was nominated for Best Gospel Rap Album at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards.***

Politics.

This is a field I usually try to stay away from. Though it would seem my educational and career choices say otherwise. But every now and then, something brings you back in…in this case, someone. I give you:

Alan Keyes, GOP Senate Candidate from Maryland…er, I mean Illinois.

First, I think I owe an apology to Nelly. Nelly, my bad. I called you potentially the most ignorant mufucka on the planet. I stand corrected. I’m going to give this nod to Alan Keyes…he’s worked harder at it than you have. I apologize.

From the heart.

As I often do in the morning, I peruse numerous media news sites to find out, well basically, what’s going on in the world. I look for the news that is funny…or interesting enough to make me read a whole article…and today, I found that article. You know that article you’ve been waiting your whole life to read but didn’t know you were waiting your whole life to read. You know that article that is purely, the most unintentionally funny shit you’ve ever come across in your life. And yet, there it was…all pristine and waiting. I mean really, nothing stops you dead in your tracks like reading an article with the title…

Keyes: Jesus Wouldn’t Vote For Obama

You can’t make this stuff up. Good God. I have heard and seen it all now. To sum up, Alan “God Got My Back” Keyes, believes that “Christ would not vote for Barack Obama because Barack Obama has voted to behave in a way that it is inconceivable for Christ to have behaved,” in reference to Barack Obama’s votes against anti-abortion legislation.

Let me take a quick, sidebar. Do you mind??? Good. Let’s think about this for a second. What IF Jesus came back AND registered to vote in America? Would Jesus be a Republican or a Democrat? And wouldn’t this cause the greatest shift in voter registration ever??? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be caught on the inside of the wrong party, if you know what I mean. Talk about your political “hot”seat. If Jesus was a Democrat, what would really be your incentive to be a Republican??? And vice versa. From where I’m standing…there’d be none. You couldn’t justify your party affiliation because no matter what you said, it would always come back to…”Well Jesus is a Democrat!”

You’d have no argument there whatsoever.

But back to the lecture at hand. I’m not even going to argue about whether abortion is right or wrong, because, well…I haven’t the foggiest. The next person that plans on dying and coming back needs to address that problem for the rest of us down here. Lord knows (no pun intended), that would clear up the debate. Other topics needing to be addressed:

-Gay Marriage
-Omarosa Effect on Reality TV shows (further evidenced by Ananda on The Player)
-Chicken vs. Egg
-Bungee Jumping: Playing With God’s Emotions or What?
-Cloning: Does this violate any commandments?
-Shoot, are there any other commandments we may not know about??

You get the drift. The fact that Keyes has even invoked Jesus name into the elections is ridiculous enough as it is…but wait, there’s more!!! Keyes has also taken Obama’s statments to another level (remember, you CANNOT make this up!):

On Tuesday, Keyes complained about a remark Obama made while campaigning downstate. “I don’t want to just win, I want to give this guy who is running against me a spanking,” Obama said of Keyes.

Keyes asserted that Obama’s use of the word spanking was “the language of the master who, when he is displeased with the slave, gives him a whipping.”

As if on cue, the next line in the article, clearly and explicitly, and completely comedically:

“Both men are black.”

But because Keyes isn’t shy about anything, he also dropped this gem:

Keyes also brought up race last month when he compared Obama’s views on abortion to “the slaveholder’s position.”

Now, I realize he is trying to win an election. So, let’s take a step back and look at this from an electoral view, shall we? Why, yes we shall! To me it seems that he is pandering to black people…I mean who else are you talking to if you decide that you are going to make comments relative to slavery? Obviously you aren’t talking to white people. But see, what I don’t think he realizes, is that he IS TALKING TO WHITE PEOPLE!! In more than one regard.

First regard: Illinois is comprised of (drumroll please) mostly, yep you guessed it, WHITE PEOPLE! A good 73%, compared to 15% black people. So, who is going to get you elected??? If you guessed, WHITE PEOPLE, give yourself a pat on the back! Go ahead, you deserve it! So who, more than likely (and sad to say) is most likely to be reading and hearing these comments…yep, once again, WHITE PEOPLE. Why are you trying to sway the black vote?? I concede that you can’t take any vote for granted…but good gracious Alan, you’re taking this a little far don’t you think?

But…let’s REALLY look at this OTHER regard…and yes, I know that makes no sense whatsoever. In the history of this country, there have been some turbulent times…more specifically, slavery was a big problem. Slavery was a problem because, well, there were people who owned slaves…for the sake of argument, let’s call them, shit I don’t know, slaveholders. They were WHITE PEOPLE.

Slaveholder=White People. (And I don’t want to hear about some blacks owned slaves. I know. We ain’t talking about them!)

As a white person, wouldn’t you think that was a little fishy. Those terms are damn near interchangeable. He even uses “master” in there. Now let’s be really honest…and I mean brutally honest…

White people don’t like to talk about slavery. Ever. So why in the shit would you, when trying to win an election, go national and use slave rhetoric in your speeches and debates? It just doesn’t give the people, the slaveholders aka WHITE PEOPLE that are going to elect you, that warm fuzzy feeling they need. I mean really, they already have to accept the fact that a black man is going to be elected whether they like it or not…let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. If I was white, I’d be a little bit perplexed and pissed that he is basically saying that Obama is taking on slaveholder mentalities and positions. If I’m white and anti-abortion, are you basically saying I think like a slaveholder????

Shaky ground, my brother…and I’m not talking The Temptations either, Alan.

The bottom line here is this…Alan Keyes is something akin to an idiot. He really played the Jesus card, the race card, and the slavery card…against another black man…which only doesn’t equate to getting Omarosa’d because this is an election, and he’s running AGAINST Obama. But damn Alan…

If you think about, if it was up to Keyes…once Jesus quit taking walks with Kanye and finally registered to vote, he’d vote for Alan Keyes…and you should too!

Ladies and gentlemen, you CANNOT make this stuff up.

Amen.

[All names, save my own, have been erased from this entry. No incriminating statements will be made because...well...what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!]

Las Vegas, Nevada AKA Sin City. Good googly moogly. I just spent the last 5 days and 4 nights in America’s Den of Iniquity.

Why did I really wait this long to go???

For starters, let me begin by saying how fortunate I am (and yes this will be a little mushy). I went to college and made a shitload of friends. I don’t mean people I know from college, but literally a shitload of friends for life. Friends I can travel across country with and have the best damn time of my life. And its been time-tested and proven over and over again. It dawned on me on my way back from Las Vegas (one of the most depressing flights I’ve ever been on…or would have been if I wasn’t sleeping) that every single big weekend or big trip that turned out to be RIDICULOUSLY fun has involved nearly the same people. Not to say that every trip has been completely peachy keen…we’re young and black, minor drama’s unfold…but at the end of the day, my life is better because of all of these people, the folks I can’t afford to lose as friends. So with that, to all of them who might read this…I say Thanks for the memories…let’s make more.

Shit. That was the most mushy thing I’ve done in a long time. Glad that’s over with.

So the best way I think I can get across my point that everybody MUST venture to Vegas…is to create a sort of things to know and do if going to Vegas in the same manner in which I went. How did I go you ask???

Thirteen people(4 males, 9 females), rented house with pool/jacuzzi/3 bathrooms/4 bedrooms/huge closet/no bathroom door on master bathroom/pool table, 3 cars, lots of liquor, close in proximity to EVERYTHING…I think that about sums it up.

So without further ado…

Panama Jackson & Co.’s Guide To Living La Vida Loca In Vegas: 18 Things To Know About Vegas Without Telling You a Single Thing That REALLY Happened In Vegas

Follow me…

There are some things you need to know upfront. Like…

1) There aren’t many black people in Vegas. That’s not completely true, I mean there are black people there, but we were hard pressed to find young attractive women there. And yes, that means we were looking. I can literally count on one hand the total number of “fine” women I saw in Vegas…and two of them were on the flight I was on going to Vegas. I’m not saying that this is a total problem, I’m just saying that this needs to be prepared for when planning a trip. You can’t say to yourself, “Self, I’m gonna go to Vegas and meet all these attractive black people and enjoy myself that way…” Luckily we brought the entertainment with us, from the male point of view.

2) When renting a house, two things that showed themselves to be the most important things to know first off are: a) how to work the pool/jacuzzi, and b) how to manage toilet sensitivity. Knowing how to work the temperature settings on a pool is vital because sitting in a 105 degree pool in 105 degree weather is something like a bitch. When a temperature change of 102 to 1o1 is cause for excitement…you know you have no idea what the shit you are doing. Know that! And toilet sensitivity…what can you say about this except…some people talk shit, and some people REALLY back it up! Knowing the subtle technicalities of the toilets you will be using is potentially the most important aspect of renting a house because…shit smells. But two day old shit smells worse. Unless you have been sitting there and gotten desensitized to the shit smells because the toilet don’t work and the person you called to fix it doesn’t seem to understand that you are sitting in a house that smells like, well shit…

[Sidenote: It never really occured to me this weekend how vulnerable you feel when you drop a brick in the toilet and it just won't flush. Is this not the most tender moment of your life? You can't hide it...you will be found out. It's like a contract between you and the toilet that has been unfulfilled. You crap, you flush, transaction should be done. However, when that simple equation is out of balance...it stays on your mind until that shit is gone. Shit is real. (I'm loving throwing around these puns!) As of 655am, Monday, September 6, 2004, by then a 3 day old contract had not been fulfilled...so sad jojo!]

3) Vegas is hot! But its dry heat…so its hot but not uncomfortable…so much. But just know that at 9am on any given day in the summer, potentially you might burn the fuck up…

4) Vegas is actually a nice looking place. I never knew how unnecessary grass was. The desert landscape was actually kind of tight. Forget kind of, I loved it. It was just open land as opposed to the congestion that envelopes a lot of northern cities. Stars and all that stuff. Which begs the question. Camera, no camera??? See this is a potential problem. Old people on vacation, camera. Young 20 somethings on vacation in a house with lots of rooms and a pool, liquor, and time on their hands…not so sure. I really don’t know how I feel about this one…THAT’S HOW MUCH FUN VEGAS CAN BE!!!

5) Time drags slow as hell. Which is great if you are on vacation and have a 3 hour jet lag that makes the days extremely long and enjoyable…but horrible if you are waiting for a mufucka to come fix a hot ass pool and a toilet that has been backed up and is constantly beating down any potential contenders in the “My House Smells Like______” competition!

6) Gambling is addictive. In fact, its so addictive that the whole notion of really knowing when to quit in fact is a myth. Racist Moment of the Day: In Vegas, any body other than Asian women dealers are recommended at any table you sit down at. Why do I say this?? Well, let’s just say, fun white guy with glasses: Panama’s Profit: $100, Asian Lady with scowl: Panama’s Profit: -$100. This situation occured at more than one casino. Take that information and do with it what you will…but Asian women took my money, don’t let them take yours!

Things to keep in mind…

7) The city never sleeps…with that said, going out at 1am to any club is not a good idea. You know why? Because the line will be hella long and you won’t get in and you’ll leave and go gambling in the casino and lose the money you were GOING to spend to get in the club, erego forfeiting not only your club visit, but the possibility of a club visit in the future and the slot machines and dealers will gladly alleviate you from your club money, liquor money, clothes money, etc…ALL because your ass went out too late to the club. Leave at a reasonable time.
Liquor. It is imperative that you know your drinking limit…as in, the point where you won’t piss off anybody by getting drunk either on the way too or on the way from the club and force folks to either have to leave early or stop, let’s say…3 times on the way from the strip because you have to have a family moment with your cousin Hurl. And even worse than that…if you make people stop…make sure your cousin Hurl does in fact show up, cuz if he doesn’t…people won’t like you anymore. Well that’s not true…at all. But they won’t like you at 4am anymore. 3am is fine.

9) Liquor again. Hmmm…young able bodied 20 somethings, a lot of liquor…and more money to buy more liquor. Let me say, this is perfect for Las Vegas and that whole notion, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. In fact, I think I drank more liquor this week(end) than I did water. That’s not good…but dammit, I had a good time. AND I took one day off of drinking and still managed to feel like my blood had thinned all the way out from drinking and taking shots of Goldshlagger, Vodka, Rum, and anything else that was laying around the house.

10) Liquor again again. Know your MENTAL limit. Basically, make sure your dumb ass will remember what happened TOMORROW so you don’t have to be that asshole that THINKS nothing happened but isn’t quite sure. No regrets is one thing…but if you can’t even remember what you aren’t supposed to be regretting…fucker…you might regret it. Remember that and Vegas can be your oyster.

11) Black people actually do bungee jump.

12) Food can be really cheap in Vegas. Unfortunately, I’m speaking from hearsay because well…let’s just say its important to know that the place you are going, say The Venetian on Las Vegas Boulevard, for instance actually has a buffet as opposed to a restaurant that isn’t so cheap forcing you to spend something like, I don’t know, hypothetically speaking, $30 on a chicken parmesan meal with noodles so hard that they could be used to hang yourself after realizing you left a $10 buffet at, I don’t know, Circus Circus, because the people going to eat with you assumed but didn’t know they didn’t have a buffet at, I don’t know, say The Venetian. I’m just saying…I’ve been told food can be cheap in Vegas.

13) Vacationing with people you get along with, and with people who internally get along is a definite plus. With that said, with a lot of people…everybody can’t agree for shit. I suggest not giving a shit what other folks are doing if you have the car keys and do what you feel like doing after everybody gets somewhere and then half the group decides they want to do something else only to eventually have you drive their asses back home so we can have a party there but everybody falls the fuck asleep and its 330am so you don’t feel like driving by yourself back to the strip so you are just sitting around a bunch of mufuckas who are sleeping killing your buzz and party spirit. Basically, if you got the keys, fuck ‘em.

14) Parking is free. Except when you go inside the casino and blow your money.

14a) Drinks are free. Except when you go inside the casino and blow your money.

15) The potential to go to hell for the many things that you might possibly conceive of in Vegas is high. Howerver, going to hell for the shit that comes out of nowhere IS HIGHER. Hypothetically speaking…say you go into an ice cream parlor, of Coldstone Creamery Variety, and while having a conversation about hamsters you notice a guy cleaning the ice cream display case and then you notice that said individual who walked in there normally by all accounts turns out to have one really short leg to go with one tall ass shoe with a whole lot of sole. And you also happen to notice that said shoe is ridiculously clean as if he windexed the shit out of his shoes too. And in mid-sentence you look around to see if you are indeed making this up and nobody else has noticed only to find that somebody else has noticed causing you both to have to excuse yourself so that you don’t laugh at this situation…not the person, but because you don’t like surprises. See…there is a lot of potential for hell because of those kind of surprises…which may or may not have happened. All I know is that my shoes ain’t never been so white…and I’m a soul brother! Get it sole/soul…I’ll see you in hell…thank you.

16) Screaming white men in wheel chairs with icepicks screaming to the masses to leave him the fuck alone in the middle of a crosswalk he refuses to leave should be avoided at all costs.

17) Liquor x4. This is very important. When leaving a casino drunk you will have problems finding your car. Every time. It is important to have somebody either write or strive with everything in them to remember where in the shit you parked because all of the parking decks/lots look the exact fucking same after you’ve had enough “free” drinks that you’ll sit down at a table with an Asian dealer who will get blackjack 2 times in a row relieving you of all that money that was holding you down.

18) And lastly, please please please tip the rental car bus drivers and black curbside courier outside the United Airlines terminal so that you don’t have to worry that the look he had in his eye was one of “Your bags will be in Denver when you get to D.C. for not tipping me bee-yotch.” It can save you the stress.

If you read this and follow these tips, your trip to Vegas can be as fun and productive as mine was. Of course there are a lot of things I’m leaving out, and some of what’s been written was influenced by stuff that did happen…but shit, they don’t make those commercials for nothing. Get thee to Vegas to create your own adventures and memories.

Las Vegas 2004. Ain’t no place like it!