“I Don’t Really Got That Bad of a Mouth, Do I?”
“…F**k s**t a** b***h c**t, shooby-do-bee-bop…“-Eminem, “Who Knew”, The Marshall Mathers LP, 2000
That’s what I was reduced to…curse words.
Shit.
Have you ever heard something so bad it just made you curse? Like of all the words you’ve entered into your vocabulary over the years, it reduced you to the few words you were never supposed utter in front of your parents. Like when you hear an album or even just a song so bad that it is beyond awful…shit is downright…f**ks**ta**b***hc**t!!!!!!!
And you dont have Turret’s??
That is what I was reduced to the other day. You see, I have a cousin who dabbles in the “low-priced almost authentic” trade. Basically, this cat sells bootlegs. You want it he has it. Shoot, if you don’t even know you want it…he has it. What I’m saying is…I blame my cousin for my last profane laden tirade. You see, this dude sold me a CD that is beyond belief, one of the worst albums I’ve heard in a long time…to include later No Limit albums by the likes of Master P, Lil Romeo, and Silkk the Shocker. This dude sold me none other than…
Mase, “Welcome Back.”
It made me curse.
FUCK.
For the record, I like Mase. Well I liked his ass until I listened to this piss poor excuse for an album. In the history of bad hip-hop albums this is going to have to crack the top 5. Somewhere, between Lil Kim’s “Notorious K.I.M.” and Goodie Mob’s “World Party” and ironically, Mase’s “Double Up.” And I don’t give a shit if you love Mase, Double Up was without a doubt pure shit. But it didn’t make me curse.
Welcome Back makes me curse.
As to be fair, maybe we should break down the construction of an album and figure out what’s wrong with Mase’s. This should be easy.
1) Decent Beats. They don’t all have to be the quintessential musical masterpiece a la Snoop Doggy Dogg “Doggy Dogg World” or Pete Rock and CL Smooth’s “T.R.O.Y.” They just have to be listenable enough for you not to throw the album out the window a la Lil Kim’s “Notorious K.I.M.”
(Sidenote: I love music. I collect CD’s like some people collect air. To make an album so bad I actually threw it out the window…well, I should be allowed to shoot Lil Kim’s ass for that. Fortunately it looks like somebody shot Lil Kim with a Botox Bazooka and set that joint for Destroy. I mean have you SEEN the most recent pictures. Look like she said, I want to be like Mike…Jackson that is!)
2) Quality Lyrics. You have to be able to rap somewhat. You don’t even have to be good. I mean take Cash Money for instance. Baby isn’t exactly gonna be winning any rewards for verse of the year. Shit, I’m not even convinced he’s ever written a thing down in his life. And they sell millions. Good shit though…I mean, Back that Thang Up is a Classic…fo shizzle…
(Another sidenote: In what other profession can you become rich by rhyming -izzle with every other thing you say. It’s the only profession that rewards you more for personality than actual abilities, and oh yeah, modeling, which pays you for being born. You have to love this country.)
3) Alright Delivery. Lyrics ain’t shit if you have no delivery, with the possible exception of Guru from Gangstarr. At least vary that shit. Please don’t leave me feeling like I’d rather watch paint dry while fucking a puma than listen to your CD. Thanks.
These are the ingredients and they should all add up to one thing: Listenability. If I’m unable to listen to your CD…it is not music…its a son of a mother bitch. And nobody likes those!
Just to get this out of the way early, there are 12 tracks on the album…of which I like two, “Gotta Survive,” and “Money Comes and Goes,” (which sounds like vintage Mase), and there is one track that I find listenable, “Do You Remember?” featuring Cardan. And no, its not important to EVER know who Cardan is…trust me on this one. These songs all have the ingredients necessary to be quality songs.
Now to the other 9 tracks which are just honest to goodness…SHIT. Now I’ll give Mase credit for attempting to make an album that is postively on the up and up throughout. That is no easy task in today’s bang bang shoot ‘em up environment. I applaud his effort…but only his effort. I mean this album is straight up laffable.
For instance, the first verse of the song “The Love You Need feat. Rashad,” literally had me laughing. I’ve NEVER heard a verse so horrible in my life. He even has a line that says, “gave you my Hancock/it wasn’t legible”. Now in the context of the song, THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Since this isn’t old Mase talking about applying the “sausage” he is actually talking about his signature…but the girl in the song can’t read it…and what does this mean or have to do with anything???? I’m not even sure Mase knows. The rest of this verse is just horrible…HORRIBLE I SAY!!!!!!!!!! And this is emblematic of the rest of the song and album…completely elementary lyrics.
They should use this song as a shining of example of what NOT to do when trying to put a song together.
Which begs the question…was Mase ever a good rapper, in terms of lyrics?? I don’t ever remember actually LISTENING to what he had to say. This album forces you to do so though. Why??? Because it violates one of the cardinal rules of making an album…HIS BEATS SUCK MAJOR ASS! I’m starting to think that Mase had a ghostwriter when he was with Bad Boy b/c its hard to be as bad as he is on this album unless its just ingrained in you. Which means that Puffy’s ghostwriter had a ghostwriter. Strange, huh??
Truthfully, I don’t even want to talk specifically about the other songs…its just too hard to discuss them because they are that bad to me….and yes that includes “Welcome Back.” I don’t care if Mase is back, that song is just not good. In fact its…un-good. It is the anti-good. I don’t mind postivity in songs at all. In fact I’m all for it…but see, this album suffers from much the same problem that I feel gospel rap suffers from…horrible quality, horrible lyrics, and horrible production. Just because they are praising God doesn’t mean its good music.
(Another Nother Sidenote: I wonder if “Keep It On” is really going to inspire any women to keep their clothes on to have a good time. Like will it usher in a new era in videos where women are fully dressed??? Won’t this put BET out of business??? And where will all these women now go to find jobs??? OH MY GOODNESS…WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO UNCUT????????????????)
It also seems that “I Luv Tyla”, the tribute to his wife hasn’t made the final cut. THANK GOODNESS. Talk about the absolute most ridiculously fruity song of the year…to hear Mase sing about being in love with his wife was unbearable…especially given that the NEXT SONG was about him taking a girl away from a boyfriend who wasn’t any good for her with “The Love You Need” of which I think should be nominated for a Grammy for Best Comedy Recording for 2004.
***EDIT: This song actually IS on the CD. It has been renamed “I Wanna Go” though it hasn’t managed to remake itself into a better song.***
This album has horrible lyrics for the most part, except in the songs that I stated I liked. His flow is the same on all the songs…which is mundane and monotonous at best. And, I can’t understand for the life of me why his production is this bad. This is Mase…WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO GET ON HIS RETURN TO RAP ALBUM??? I would. The man jumped on a Kanye West song (“Jesus Walks” remix…who didn’t see that one coming?), and I think he was garbage on that too, but why couldn’t Kanye slip him a track or 12. I don’t think he asked anybody. What’s stranger…I can’t believe Puffy signed off on this album without chuckling under his breath. As shrewd and effective a business man as Puffy is…he must be hoping this album will sell strictly off of name recognition.
To drive it home…I honestly think Da Band’s album is better than this. (And yes this means that I actually listened to that album. But fret not, the Lord and I had a talk about this and I’m forgiven.)
You may say, in today’s day and age of being taken advantage of by the big music companies…getting three tracks is good. And to that I say…that would be the case if the rest of the songs weren’t SO bad. Filler tracks and Mase tracks are two different things. These Mase tracks honestly have hurt my feelings. Since the album is going to sell millions…you’ll be able to judge for yourself…but when you find yourself in the middle of “My Harlem Lullabye” saying…”what is this shit???”, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Please listen to this album in the comforts of your own home away from impressionable children who may hear your profanity laden tirades.
Because I know what happened to me…this album made me curse.
Damn.