“They Don’t Sell Dope…It Sells Itself…”
“while they kick back and just collect the wealth…”-DJ Quik, “Safe ‘N Sound“, 1994
Have you ever seen a commercial for Krispy Kreme Doughnuts? I haven’t.
You ever see a commercial for a crack dealer? I haven’t seen that either.
But everybody knows where the hell a Krispy Kreme is…and we all know where the crack houses are in our neighborhoods. In my old neighborhood in SW Atlanta, I lived two doors down from a crackhouse. Nice people…
Skinny though…I guess they didn’t eat much, what with all the random shootouts on my back porch. Oh yeah…and I’d like to apologize to anybody who ever visited me and was robbed, witnessed a shooting, was accosted by a crackhead, etc.
Oh wait, that was all me.
But like usual…I digress.
But in my travels, it has occured to me that Krispy Kreme and crack really do have a lot in common. But before we can lay claim to the similarities…we must first understand what you need in order to have a successful crack trade. Pay attention, this is important cuz I know everybody at one point or another has wanted a crack trade…no?…just me?…oh…
1) Crack. Speaks for itself. You got to have access to the crack.
2) Flexible Hours. Crack deals have to be able to go down at any time. You can’t just go around telling crackheads no. They’ll take your bike. Or break your window and take your CD’s out your car at 3pm on a fuckin’ Saturday and try to sell you BACK that damn Jay-Z Vol.2 and Outkast Aquemini CD you had just bought yesterday that you really ain’t got a chance to listen to and strangely leave behind the damn Tribe Called Quest The Love Movement CD…which they could have taken and I wouldn’t have cared…oops…ummm…I had heard that this kind of thing could happen to somebody.
3) Anticipation. Everybody wants shit they can’t have…yet. Ask any random music downloader that hasn’t been subpenoad by the Supreme Court or some random dickhead who claims he can’t feed his children b/c of music downloaders. So, you got to create anticipation. They have to want your shit before you even KNOW if it will be available. Kind of like…an R. Kelly album. No matter how many kids he fondles and ass-slaps affectionately…we are still waiting for his next album to drop. Or wait, is that Michael Jackson?
4) Location, Location, Location. You can’t go selling crack anywhere. You need a spot that people can get too…pretty easily, with little nooks and crannies for people to move in and about to devour your product and basically place themselves into an early grave…if they so chose.
5) Love. Love???? Yes, love mufucka. Crack dealers love their patrons. So much so that they make sure that they have some crack for them every time they stop by out of the kindness of their hearts. Kind of like how most folks grandmothers always have some cake or some dinner ready. Same thing. It’s all love. And you know you love your grandmother.
Notice I didn’t mention customers. Why, you ask?? Cuz its crack…supply creates demand, not the other way around. You got crack…you got customers. Pretty good deal if you think of it. Kind of strange there aren’t more crack dealers.
***NEWSFLASH: This just in…2 out of 4 “urban” youths are in the crack market.***
Oh.
But think about it…all of those requirements to be in the crack game are unique to Krispy Kreme as well. McDonald’s doesn’t make burgers unless you order them…Walmart has shit sitting on shelves that will NEVER get sold.
Krispy Kreme makes donuts and knows people will buy them. Which is the first necessity: doughnuts. I’ll be damned if those glazed doughnuts are not the best things I’ve ever had. There is almost nothing better. Have any conversation about Krispy Kreme and it will illicit some smiles and somebody will undoubtedly say, “Yo…them shits is good!!!!!” It never fails. Try it at home, work, grocery store, brothel…the results always stay the same. Shoot, if I could live the rest of my life sitting in the corner with an endless supply of Krispy Kreme doughnuts…I’d be a monkey’s uncle.
Sex, money, Halle Berry…fuck ‘em…give me a glazed doughnut from Krispy Kreme beeeyotch!
Anticipation. Have you all heard the buzz in places that they are THINKING about opening up a Krispy Kreme. There are like 100 something Krispy Kreme’s in America. Mufuckas will damn near heart-attack themselves waiting for a Krispy Kreme franchise to come to a neighborhood within 100 miles of them. I live in Washington, DC. They are opening up a Krispy Kreme in Dupont Circle, which is basically downtown DC.
People are gonna die. I can’t even imagine the number of accidents and pedestrians hit by sugar crazed doughnut eating mufuckas as they try to find a parking space. I’m willing to wager that people will literally catch the public transportation down there to get some damn doughnuts. People fighting on trains. We’re talking bedlam people. And people are waiting and excited about the prospects.
And once they open. Good lord. Lines circle blocks for months on end. For some of God’s gift to the world. Doughnuts. Low-priced…doughnuts.
Anticipation with no advertising. Do you realize how much money they save in marketing ALONE. Them bitches can open up overnight without telling anybody and then WHAM full house next morning. S0unds like crack to me. Let a dealer say he ran out of vials. Fuckin’ crackheads will just wait around. The more hours that pass…the crazier they get and the more they want it…the more they need it. Soon as a mufucka tries a KK doughnuts for the first time…its over. Done deal…nothing else is a real doughnut. Nothing else is that crack…only difference is instead of Pookie at the spot…you got Jane and Barbara and Zach and Ken and Pedrag and Nicolay…
Location and Flexible Hours kind of go together. Shit, who doesn’t know where a Krispy Kreme is if they live in a city with one. And what’s really funny, Jane and Barbara and ‘nem ain’t afraid to go into the black neighborhoods for some Krispy Kreme. In Atlanta’s West End community (home to Morehouse, Spelman, Clark-Atlanta, ITC, Morris Brown) there is a tight Krispy Kreme store. And I’ve seen white people there. I used to wonder why in the hell white people would be in the blackest of black neighborhoods…then I realized…Krispy Kreme is a helluva drug. They got sugar on their side so they ain’t afraid of no black folks when doughnuts is on they mind.
You put the Krispy Kreme in the right place where people can then go behind the store and basically snort up their doughnuts…you got yourself a winner. And what’s better…all of the Krispy Kreme’s I’ve seen are 24 hours…which means you can get yourself fucked up at night off some Krispy Kreme or whenever you need that “fix.” Crackheads do this all the time and can probably provide some valuable insight on late night lurking for some crack/doughnuts.
And you know what…Krispy Kreme loves its patrons. In America, we are some unhealthy people. And you know what, we don’t give a shit. We want to eat what we want when we want. And they make that possible. Fuck, I want some saccahrin induced carbohydrates at 213am…well summabitch…I can have them. I might have to drive an hour for it, but I can have it! They make themselves available for us to eat and enjoy their tasty treats…because they love us. And I as a proud American, thank them for that…
And that’s how crack works. You need it…they got it so you can go off and feel better about yourself later. To hell with the future…worry about the now.
And Krispy Kreme sits back and gets all that money like drug money. They follow the same premise as crack dealers do…minus the guns and ammo and shit that we tend to associate with drug dealers. But their ammo is more lethal…it kills you while it makes you happy…and that is the American dream.
Krispy Kreme is the new crack…and I for one am proud to say I’m a crack/Kremehead.
And for those people wondering how given all of this information, Krispy Kreme isn’t the man as opposed to Starbucks.
Simple.
I like doughnuts.