Celebrity Dollars, Part II…Abracadabra
This is part II of yesterdays groundbreaking revelation that Starbucks has been exposed as the man. Today’s edition explains how it has been so seamlessly possible with the help of one man, and how that one man is responsible for it all. Who’s the man behind the man, you ask???
Ear.vin “Ma.gic” John.son
Magic. Magic. Magic. How low could you go? It’s not like he didn’t already set the black community back 50 years with the Magic Hour or anything? Or with his ridiculous inability to speak while he is a color commentator…though I must admit, Magic has provided hours and hours of comedy with his “attempts” at public speaking.
But now he is the pawn of the oppressor, the public face of Starbucks in the black community. Every Starbucks that you venture to in the formerly decrepit black part of town that is now the up-and-coming chic part of town is owned by none other than everybody’s favorite court magician, Ma.gic.
But let us delve deep into this, shall we? Now most people love M.agic. Terrific ball player, one of the best ever. Period. But I’ll be damned if the government didn’t corner his ass on this one. You see, for the life of me I don’t believe that Magic WANTED to be the downfall of the black community, or rather the black face sent in to create comfort and soften our stance on Starbucks AKA the downfall of the black community…cuz like I said, black folks are really tea-drinkers at heart, I believe this firmly. But Magic had a hell of a predicament on his hands.
I take you back to 1992. That year Magic said to the world, “I have H.I.V.” Fast forward to 2004, where this cat has been known to have HIV at untraceable levels in his body. What the fuck is untraceable anyway? If you can’t trace it, is it there??? Of course its there…ACCORDING to science, because there is no cure…or at least thats what they want us to believe. Think about it (that statement right there ALWAYS lets you know somebody is gonna drop something deep on your ass)…WHY THE FUCK ISN’T ANYBODY ELSE HAVING THIS KIND OF LUCK???? NOBODY else has HIV at untraceable levels. It would be national news, hell international news, shit people on Uranus would hear about this, and whatever that individual used it would become the biggest selling shit since crack, Krispy Kreme, and Kool-Aid, collectively known as cKKK.
Honestly, that last part has nothing to do with anything. I promise.
What’s the link you ask…I’ll give you the link…watch closely.
Magic=HIV. Government=Cure. Starbucks=White Neighborhoods.
Magic=Need Cure. Government=Need Starbucks. Starbucks=Need Black Neighborhood.
Starbucks=Take City Back from poor black and minority folk so white folks can walk to work, thereby boosting the economy cuz people are saving more from gas prices, and then spending all of their money…hopefully.
Here’s my take on how it all went down:
One day, somebody from Starbucks said, “Magic, we need to talk. I got what you want…you got what I need. Let’s do business. You become the black face of Starbucks and we’ll give you the cure for HIV. But we should tell you upfront that we are moving your people out. We are reinventing the inner cities…and well…there just isn’t any room for black people in them anymore. You see, the inner city is close to downtown, we work downtown. Simple enough for you? There’s a catch though, you can’t tell anybody you got the cure or even mention this conversation. You have to claim that HIV has gotten down to untraceable levels in your body…because the rest of the world thinks there is no cure. What we’re doing as a whole Magic…is population control. We just got too many damn people running around…”
“You sign on this here dotted line and your imminent death is not assured in the next few years. You put up some Starbucks for us…and as a bonus, we’ll even let you throw up some movie theaters…you know lay it on real thick. Like you want to change the neighborhoods for the better for the current residents before we ship their asses out! Do we got a deal…homie, home skillet, brother man???”
Now Magic’s a decent man…he’s made some mistakes like the rest of us. But does he deserve to die from making those mistakes? I’m sure most of us would say no. And using that as a given, I am willing to give Magic credit for at least THINKING about not signing on that dotted line, though I’ll bet that thought lasted for all of about 2.5 seconds.
Magic’s Mind: “Well I don’t live in those communities anyway, so if they aren’t there anymore, I wouldn’t even know it…right??? Right…I mean if I can’t see them, then I’m not hurting them…right??? Right! All I have are books and statistics to show me that this is a bad idea…but hey, gentrification is a good thing. The root word is gentrify, which rhymes with gentle, give or take a syllable and some letters…so it must be harmless. Yeah…it will be okay!”
Magic to Bob: LET’S DO IT!
And ladies and gentlemen, that is how Magic became the man responsible for the downfall of the black community at the hands of Starbucks, AKA the man. The man responsible for “the man’s” ability to take what we dont have away from us, and stop us from seeing Venus a la Marvin the Martian.
People, pay attention, Starbucks and Magic are changing our cities right in front of our eyes. Abracadabra mufuckas…
Pass the peas, pass the knowledge…it was written…
“Starbucks is the man.”
*SIDENOTE: In the offchance that Starbucks or Magic or his people run across this site and I get sued for what I’ve written here, it’s been real fun while it lasted people. Keep Truth alive!”