Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

This is part II of yesterdays groundbreaking revelation that Starbucks has been exposed as the man.  Today’s edition explains how it has been so seamlessly possible with the help of one man, and how that one man is responsible for it all.  Who’s the man behind the man, you ask??? 

Ear.vin “Ma.gic” John.son

Magic. Magic. Magic.  How low could you go?  It’s not like he didn’t already set the black community back 50 years with the Magic Hour or anything?  Or with his ridiculous inability to speak while he is a color commentator…though I must admit, Magic has provided hours and hours of comedy with his “attempts” at public speaking. 

But now he is the pawn of the oppressor, the public face of Starbucks in the black community.  Every Starbucks that you venture to in the formerly decrepit black  part of town that is now the up-and-coming chic part of town is owned by none other than everybody’s favorite court magician, Ma.gic.

But let us delve deep into this, shall we?  Now most people love M.agic.  Terrific ball player, one of the best ever.  Period.  But I’ll be damned if the government didn’t corner his ass on this one.  You see, for the life of me I don’t believe that Magic WANTED to be the downfall of the black community, or rather the black face sent in to create comfort and soften our stance on Starbucks AKA the downfall of the black community…cuz like I said, black folks are really tea-drinkers at heart, I believe this firmly.  But Magic had a hell of a predicament on his hands. 

I take you back to 1992.  That year Magic said to the world, “I have H.I.V.”  Fast forward to 2004, where this cat has been known to have HIV at untraceable levels in his body.  What the fuck is untraceable anyway?  If you can’t trace it, is it there???  Of course its there…ACCORDING to science, because there is no cure…or at least thats what they want us to believe.  Think about it (that statement right there ALWAYS lets you know somebody is gonna drop something deep on your ass)…WHY THE FUCK ISN’T ANYBODY ELSE HAVING THIS KIND OF LUCK????  NOBODY else has HIV at untraceable levels.  It would be national news, hell international news, shit people on Uranus would hear about this, and whatever that individual used it would become the biggest selling shit since crack, Krispy Kreme, and Kool-Aid, collectively known as cKKK. 

Honestly, that last part has nothing to do with anything.  I promise. 

What’s the link you ask…I’ll give you the link…watch closely.

Magic=HIV.  Government=Cure.  Starbucks=White Neighborhoods. 
Magic=Need Cure.  Government=Need Starbucks.  Starbucks=Need Black Neighborhood. 

Starbucks=Take City Back from poor black and minority folk so white folks can walk to work, thereby boosting the economy cuz people are saving more from gas prices, and then spending all of their money…hopefully.   

Here’s my take on how it all went down:

One day, somebody from Starbucks said, “Magic, we need to talk.  I got what you want…you got what I need.  Let’s do business.  You become the black face of Starbucks and we’ll give you the cure for HIV.  But we should tell you  upfront that we are moving your people out.  We are reinventing the inner cities…and well…there just isn’t any room for black people in them anymore.  You see, the inner city is close to downtown, we work downtown.  Simple enough for you?  There’s a catch though, you can’t tell anybody you got the cure or even mention this conversation.  You have to claim that HIV has gotten down to untraceable levels in your body…because the rest of the world thinks there is no cure.  What we’re doing as a whole Magic…is population control.  We just got too many damn people running around…”

“You sign on this here dotted line and your imminent death is not assured in the next few years.  You put up some Starbucks for us…and as a bonus, we’ll even let you throw up some movie theaters…you know lay it on real thick.  Like you want to change the neighborhoods for the better for the current residents before we ship their asses out!  Do we got a deal…homie, home skillet, brother man???”

Now Magic’s a decent man…he’s made some mistakes like the rest of us.  But does he deserve to die from making those mistakes?  I’m sure most of us would say no.  And using that as a given, I am willing to give Magic credit for at least THINKING about not signing on that dotted line, though I’ll bet that thought lasted for all of about 2.5 seconds. 

Magic’s Mind: “Well I don’t live in those communities anyway, so if they aren’t there anymore, I wouldn’t even know it…right???  Right…I mean if I can’t see them, then I’m not hurting them…right???  Right!  All I have are books and statistics to show me that this is a bad idea…but hey, gentrification is a good thing.  The root word is gentrify, which rhymes with gentle, give or take a syllable and some letters…so it must be harmless.  Yeah…it will be okay!”

Magic to Bob: LET’S DO IT!

And ladies and gentlemen, that is how Magic became the man responsible for the downfall of the black community at the hands of Starbucks, AKA the man.  The man responsible for “the man’s” ability to take what we dont have away from us, and stop us from seeing Venus a la Marvin the Martian. 

People, pay attention, Starbucks and Magic are changing our cities right in front of our eyes.  Abracadabra mufuckas…

Pass the peas, pass the knowledge…it was written…

“Starbucks is the man.”

*SIDENOTE: In the offchance that Starbucks or Magic or his people run across this site and I get sued for what I’ve written here, it’s been real fun while it lasted people.  Keep Truth alive!”

I’m a conspiracy theorist.  And being a conspiracy theorist, I’m prone to over analyzing and espousing sometimes ludacris (I honestly can’t remember how to spell that anymore) non-sense, that sometimes has some foundation…but more times than not…is really me just being…well…me.

And well today is no different.  Because today, I’m going to shed some light on a revelation I made one day.  It is a revelation that has changed my life forever and henceforth and forever more made me look at life differently, which is the same thing as changing my life.  So today, I’m going to expose “the man.”  And who is the man, you ask???

Starbucks.

Starbucks???
 
Yes. Starbucks.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury…I present “The Man” aka Starbucks.

The Man. def. (noun) individual who is colorless, faceless, and nameless whose only goal in life is to stop disadvantaged people from creepin’ on a come up, until now…when we found the culprit and gave the Man a name and a face!

Have you all noticed how Starbucks’ keep popping up all over the place, seemingly harmless?  One here, one there…here a bean, there a bean, everywhere a coffee bean.  At first they were just in Seattle, then moved to major cities but mostly into the downtown areas.  Nobody paid them any real mind.  I mean its coffee…right?  And who doesn’t love coffee?  But then a strange thing happened.  Starbucks’ started popping up in urban areas aka the black parts of town in major cities.  SW Atlanta, Washington DC’s Shaw community, Harlem.  This would still be harmless except that a few things happened when Starbucks showed up. 

1) Property values started to increase, which on the surface is a good thing, but what also happened was,
2) Black people started moving out, and
3) White people started moving in. 

Now these areas aren’t just black areas.  They are ghetto areas as well.  And I mean ghetto in the hip-hop sort of way.  You know, street credibility inspired enclaves that rappers can claim as home and pretty much write their own ticket…to jail or the record company, which ever comes first.  I suggest jail, nothing sells records like a record.  But I digress…

These areas slowly started to experience gentrification, which for the uninitiated is the moving of les negroes out of poorer areas and the moving of les white folks in.  Now, let me be upfront and honest here.  I don’t have any problem with white people.  My mother’s white…(which sounds a lot like saying “my best friend is black”, but its true)  My problem is the system that allows these injustices to go on.  It’s no secret that many black people in lower-income areas are renters.  Which means they don’t own shit.  Which means that when Starbucks comes in and raises property values, they can’t afford to stay there and must leave.  But where are the black people going?  Fuck if I know.  But they aren’t staying there. 

Have you seen Harlem lately?  Old Navy, Bill Clinton, all kinds of factors are there boosting property values.  And oh yeah, I’ve seen more white people in Harlem walking down 125th Street, like they own it (which they now do, thanks in part to Starbucks) than I do in freakin’ Soho (yes that’s an exaggeration).  White people are buying up Harlem (parts anyway) like black dudes buy Air Force One’s.  Wait one day, and its all gone. 

Washington, DC.  Home of Marion Barry, and lots of black people, and Howard University.  The Shaw community, longtime know for its close proximity AS the ghetto is seeing a new face.  In fact, lots of new faces.  Lots of white faces.  White people can now be seen walking dogs through neighborhoods that just a few years ago, BLACK people would be afraid to go through.  And they are also buying up all the houses…AND MOVING IN.  Lower-income areas aren’t so lower-income anymore, Toto!

And they are showing up in other places too.  And what is the common thread?  Starbucks.  As soon as these damn Starbucks’ showed up, the neighborhoods started to change.  There was a story a while back in the Washington Post about a Starbucks showing up in Southeast DC.  For those that don’t know…that is like every other major cities “worst” AKA “blackest” part of the city….basically, MLK Blvd runs through there.  Well there is now a Starbucks there.  And guess what, the neighborhood, though still quite “ethnic” has been seeing some increasing property values and new faces.  New developments have been springing up with plans to remake a major street there into a “lovely, new urban environment to live in!”  In the story they remarked on how the neighborhood has been experiencing major changes and growth, as well as a different kind of people making attempts to move in.  And its happening in communities across the country.  These communities are being remade into mixed income communities that have rich and lower-income people in them as well.  Which sounds good, except that ALL those lower-class people that had to leave aren’t going to be able to come back to live there…nope…fuck you, find somewhere else to live. 

Starbucks fever has swept the nation…and gone under the radar.  Which is how “the man” operates. 

Coincidence…I think not!  You can’t stop a Starbucks from opening up right now.  In fact, nobody wants too.  We have begun to love coffee as much as any other race, which is strange to me because I’ve always figured black folks as tea-drinkers.  Shoot, we are as excited to see a Starbucks nowadays as we are a Krispy Kreme (which is the new crack…that’s another post).

People in Compton stopped Wal-Mart from coming.  People in SW Atlanta stopped a Wal-Mart from coming.  But NOBODY is stopping Starbucks from coming because we dont see the harm…until we can’t afford to live where we live anymore.  Harlem is changing…black people are losing it.  Washington DC’s Shaw community is changing overnight.  Do not underestimate development that wants to happen!  And in every black or minority community that is about to experience that change…there lies a Starbucks.  I  know of 3 in Harlem right on Lenox Avenue right now, with one on 125th and Lenox Ave.  They are putting more in Atlanta’s black neighborhoods…hell, even MLK Blvd in Atlanta (my neighborhood) has all of a sudden seen a swarm of luxury apartments show up.  And all that they are missing is a Starbucks…but I’ll bet its coming…

It’s coming to a ghetto near you!  And there is no stopping it…

We  have to pay attention before we lose our cities…and whats worse is, WE ARE DOING THIS TO OURSELVES!

Tune in tomorrow for Part II, “The Magic Johnson Connection”

In my last post, I wrote about why I didn’t think President Bush should speak to the NAACP, and why I don’t think black people are going to make it.  I’ve had this conversation out in the real world as well and gotten some varied remarks and opinions from people.  And some of the comments I received illustrated those same points.  Well…
 
Let me address those issues.  First and foremost, the NAACP does not equal black people.  As a group, black people need to get over this bullshit notion that we are one…we aren’t.  Period. Point blank.  Granted, some positions that the NAACP has taken tend to be very reflective of the black community as a whole, however, we are not some monolithic group that all think and act one way.  Evidenced by the fact that as soon as we make it, we tend to get the hell out of our “black” neighborhoods and head for the hills of, often times, white suburbia.  We don’t continue to think of where we came from (not all of us, for those that are going to be offended by my generalizations…keep that in mind), or think of going back and fixing the problems we left behind.  We take on that same attitude and thoughts that the rest of the successful American public takes on…do for self.  We can’t be that unified if 70% of us are still broke and struggling and the other 30% is talking about how the rest of us are still broke and struggling…but from a distance.
 
And that’s what bothers me about people being offended by this.  We act as if him not speaking to the NAACP, he is refusing to speak to black people as a whole.  That isn’t the case.  He is actually planning on speaking to the Urban League.  What’s the difference you ask???  The NAACP tends to be more politically partisan AKA they’re all Democrats.  The Urban League tends to be less political, making it more about speaking to the actual people and less pandering to partisan politics. 
 
AND…if I ain’t mistaken, didn’t Julian Bond (president of NAACP) liken Bush and his choices for his cabinet level positions to the “Taliban wing of American politics?”  And, said that the Bush Administration views American politics as basically flying the American flag next to the confederate swastika????  I’ve heard of mudslinging…but calling him a terrorist red-neck???  And we are offended he won’t come to speak to the NAACP???  Shit…would you???
 
I agree that Bush should be held accountable.  He has some answering to do.   Hopefully, we will show him this in November.  But not just to black people, who might I remind you are running around acting like he isn’t our president anyway (don’t BS yourself, we have all said it at one point or another),  he owes an explanation to the American people, of which we are a subset.  A step in the positive direction for everybody is a step in the positive direction for black people.  As a group, he doesn’t owe us shit…he owes America.  He was elected (depending on how you look at that) to represent America. 
 
The NAACP has made it clear that they pretty much all have a negative view of Bush, as have many Americans.  He wasn’t invited to answer to any problems that black America has…he was invited to get blamed for everything, no matter what he said (short of offering reparations).  That’s what Democrats do to Republicans and vice versa.  And besides, the NAACP isn’t nearly what it used to be.  It’s lost its focus.  If something goes terribly wrong, they are there, but we are at a point where they just do not represent the views of all black people.  Is it still a relevant and important organization?…more yes than no.  However, there seems to be a lack of visibility in what they provide to the black community at this point.  They are reactionary…they don’t go out and make change anymore.  Some shit goes down…you can call the NAACP.  In good times, we can forget they exist. 
 
I just don’t get it.  The things we get into an  uproar about a lot of times seem to be very surface level.  What does Bush not speaking to the NAACP really mean to black folks???  That he is a racist?  He doesn’t care about the black voice?  And if so, what does it say that he IS speaking to the Urban League?  Nobody is mentioning that. 
 
Like I said before, none of this has made me rethink my position on Bush, I still don’t care for him and would not vote for him to be the next President of America…but damn, I think our pissedoffedness at this situation proves we have some out of whack priorities.  Anybody, of any race, put into this position would do the same thing.  The NAACP blamed Bush for stealing the election, openly.  Regardless of my personal opinion on this (as I’m trying to deal with the situation as it is), shit, how much do you really HAVE to take?  It ain’t like there is a mutual respect…the NAACP hates this cat. 
 
Okay…my bad for the two part rant and argument on this…but sometimes I just get confused and can’t understand why certain things piss us off and others don’t.  Like the fact that black men don’t go to college, damn near period anymore.  We say we are mad…but how many of us do something about that…and let’s be real, that ain’t Bush’s fault.  Where are the mentors and tutors and people who are actually THERE instead of just sending a check.  Money is very important…but hearing you are somebody goes a lot further. 
 
On a more personal sad note, one of my good friends from high school past yesterday at age 26.  We knew it was coming, but that still doesn’t change the fact that its never easy when somebody you know and care about passes on.   
 
R.I.P. J. Jones, 1978-2004…You will be missed… 

Sometimes my people make me do things I don’t want to do. Every now and then, one group does something that forces you to have to go against everything you believe. Today I’m being forced to do two things I hoped I’d never have to do (this AFTER defending BET, but that was clearly misguided). And what are these two things you ask???

1) Admit that black folks ain’t gonna make it.
2) Defend Bush.

This all stems from Bush vs. The NAACP. I’ll start with the latter.

[DISCLAIMER: The views expressed here are solely the views of Dr. Panama Dontavious Jackson, OPP, and are not the views of everybody...if you don't give a damn, we don't give a fuck. If this doesn't apply to you, good, but if the shoe fits, well...Thank you.]

Can somebody please the fuck explain to me why Bush SHOULD speak to the NAACP??? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this a group that is adamant on shipping his ass out of office come November??? Now, its no secret that I’m black. And being black, I think I’ve been forced to hate Bush. Not that I care for him anyway, but this latest episode with the NAACP pointing out that he refuses to come speak to them really trips me out, even as a black person.

If I was running for President, and before I was shot and killed at the podium in Iowa trying to make my case, and some group that obviously wanted me gone asked me to come speak, I’d thankfully decline the invitation. What’s the point? I’m not going to be winning any votes…they want my head on a platter. If anything, they want to press me on issues that they already feel I’m not the best person to deal with AND want to expose me as a bumbling idiot that hates them. Let’s get this straight…the NAACP does not speak for all black people. However, most black folks aren’t exactly going to be chomping at the bit to vote for Herr Bush anyway…so why in the HELL does he owe the NAACP a visit???

And the worst part of this is…folks are really trying to be offended by this. My people, my people, my people…we really need to get the fuck over ourselves. He is trying to win an election. We (as in black people) have already shown we ain’t really Bush backers. People who already aren’t voting for him are making it seem like he doesn’t like black people…well fuck it, maybe he doesn’t, that’s his prerogative. But he sure as hell isn’t going to change anybody’s mind by going to the NAACP and speaking to a room of people that couldn’t care less what he says. Why volunteer to be the chicken at a public roast???

Bush going to speak at the NAACP will essentially do nothing for his campaign, in my opinion, or for his image in the black community. So to the NAACP I say…get the fuck over it. And to black people in an uproar over his non-willingness to visit and be roasted by the NAACP, I say…get the fuck over yourself…sometimes a mufucka has to do whats best for him, and in this case…Bush made the right call.

This is like the president of a mink manufacturer being invited to speak at a PETA rally. He ain’t the keynote speaker…he is the pinata that will have the living shit beat out of him in public forum. Or me being asked to speak at a National Alliance rally…what sense does that make, and further, whats the point???

Now, as for my second controversial opinion: why black folks ain’t gonna make it. Because sometimes, and I do mean sometimes, we really can be full of shit with our opinions and agenda. And for a marginalized group, being full of shit just doesn’t help out. This episode and the whole Bill Cosby debacle are clear evidence of this. We accept mediocrity. That is why what Bill Cosby said offended so many people. He told the damn truth. Forget that some of it may be very true and relevant…we feel he shouldn’t have said it proving to me that its better to live with mediocrity than to speak on it and hopefully affect change. How is this old fogey, out of touch bastard, gonna make these statements about black folks and our community? Clearly some of what he said is true…and the rest, chalk it up as exaggeration. It’s how you get your point across.

That still doesn’t change the fact that we do have some issues that need to be addressed in the community, such as why we have people that run around and act like Ebonics is something to fuckin’ embrace. I have had so many arguments about this it boggles the mind. And nobody has convinced me as to so much flinch on my stance. I’m open to reason and if somebody can come at me with something that is reasonable, logical, and that I can’t shoot down…then I’m all for it. But until then…

And this Bush thing furthers that opinion. We are acting like he shunned us by not accepting this call to speak at the NAACP. Shit, wouldn’t you???? Fuck ‘em, they don’t like me…why ACT like we like them. That’s this country’s problem now…this whole bullshit public face non-sense. Act like we are all moral and whatnot when in all honesty…our shit smells…a lot. Honestly, I respect any politician who can push that BS aside for even a minute and not just gladhand mufuckas for the sake of it. This hasn’t changed my opinion of Bush even in the slightest, but Jean Claude Van Damme…on this one, i have to cut him a break. Cuz I can understand.

Once we get over being pissed about stupid shit like this, and what gets said in movies like Barbershop, then talk to me about progressing our people. But we seem to be mired in trivial bullshit that does nothing but divide black folks with an agenda from black folks who live life everyday with enough integrity to do what’s right even when nobody’s looking.

And that is far worse than Bush not speaking to the NAACP…cuz bullshit is bullshit…at least Bush backed off of his for a day. When are we going to back off of ours???

PLEASE DIVERT ALL PISSED OFF ENERGY CREATED BY THIS POST TO PROVING ME WRONG AND MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN THE COMMUNITY.

I have a role model.

He’s not your regular role model though. He happens to be, in my opinion, the most tormented black man in world history.

And no I’m not talking about Mike Tyson.

I’m talking about…

Marvin the Martian.

Yes.

Marvin the Martian…from Mars by way of Warner Brothers.

I’m so sincerrrrrrr.

Now why is he my role model? Marvin the Martian came into the game in 1948. Do you realize this cat is STILL trying to get a good look at Venus????? He spends his days creating the perfect means to get a good look at Venus, but then some freakin’ bunny with white gloves on comes along and blows his whole plan to smithereens, and gets him beat down in the process (Rodney King, anybody???). Every time he has perfected his Immodium 236 Space Modulator and is ready to finally conquer the world…he is stopped dead in his tracks (Kwame Jackson, Michael Jackson, Mike Tyson). He is the model of perseverance. Cuz for the last 56 years…he has been trying…and he keeps trying…cuz he believes…believes that he is meant to see Venus…cuz Venus is what its all about people…

“…in a ferrari or jaguar switching four lanes/with the top down singing out money ain’t a thang”-Jermaine Dupri feat. Jay-Z, “Money Ain’t a Thang”

Marvin doesn’t care about money. He just wants to see Venus. And his attempts are always thwarted (LAPD, NYPD, Starbucks, Wal-Mart, Oprah). By that damn wascawy wabbit…Bugs (Bush). It really bothers me that this damn hare-brained bunny (get it…thats one of them puns) BY HIMSELF can stop this one black man who has been in the game for years from making it to his goal in life. Still he keeps his eye on the prize.

This makes Bugs “the man.”

Who is the man, you ask??

The Man. def. (noun) individual who is colorless, faceless, and nameless whose only goal in life is to stop disadvantaged people from creepin’ on a come up

[sidenote: I happen to think that actual "man" is Starbucks. That's a whole other post though...its coming.]

And Marvin is black. Believe you me. For starters, he’s actually black. Then there’s the whole voyage to the promised land that all black people, especially older ones seem to be on. Then, and its the big one, the world won’t let him make it to his goal in life. The Earthlings would have him accept Earth as it is…Marvin wants to see Venus. Just like black folks, he’ll never be able to conquer the world. He just has to accept it as it is. You want to see what its like to live on the other side AKA Venus…not today bitch. Or not any other day.

You see, I’m not sure that Warner Brothers intended to create a satire for the black struggle with Marvin the Martian, but they did. He is every black man’s struggle. No matter how hard you work…a got damn bunny will come along and fuck up your plans to finally conquer the world. A lot of folks tell you to not take no for an answer…so Marvin hasn’t taken no. He keeps trying…b/c one day, he will get to see Venus. That’s all he wants…to see Venus…the world is in his way, and yet, he can’t stop won’t stop Roc-a-fella…er…sorry. And that’s how I try to live my life…no matter what, keep trying to make it…cuz take it from me, someday we’ll all be free and be able to see Venus.

And if not…one of these got damn days…we gonna be roasting us some rabbit…WATTS style. Though burning down our own neighborhoods still doesn’t quite sit well with me…but that’s another post as well (duly noted).

And that’s why Marvin the Martian is my hero. He’s the realest black man alive.

‘Pac would be proud.