Every now and then you hear something or see something, be it on TV or radio, magazine or porno…that you ultimately makes you go…WTF???? Like really…what in the hell was that person thinking??? Today is that day ladies and gentlemen where I wax philosophical about stupid shit I’ve seen and/or heard. I want to focus mostly on the seen part and I’d like to relegate that further to an ongoing account of movies that shouldn’t have been made with today’s first installment of: Love and a Bullet. But before I do that I must point out what could potentially be the stupidest line in a rap song of 2004…
Sponsored by those thugs in G-Unit, and more specifically Young Buck. In his newest club banger, “Let Me In”, one Young Buck posits that “the reason why people like Eric Benet don’t like him is that he knows money will make Halle Berry come up out of her panties…” Shit, I guess Buck figured it out. If he tosses Halle Berry a few dollars, cuz she’s lacking in that department, she’d be right up on him and giving up the snappy nappy dugout. Halle Berry needs a man with money to make her happy. And to think all this time I thought it was a man who didn’t beat her or cheat on her…MONEY is the key. Buck, you genius…and I was sleeping on yo’ “spittin’ hot fiyah” ass before…now maybe she can get that extra cheese on that Whopper and give you some brains. Lord knows that $15 million a movie just don’t cut it. I mean you put her and Bucks annual salary together and they would definitly pull in…sheeeeeeeeit maybe…at least…$15.5 mil. Talk about a power couple…and he’d get all her panties.
And back to more pressing matters…Jadakiss currently has a single out featuring Anthony Hamilton (the new Nate Dogg in my opinion), called “Why?” Good song. Except young Jason forgot to ask one important question…”Why did anybody let treach get in a movie??”
Love and a Bullet
Good Got Damn. I’ve seen some bad movies. Nurse Betty and Straight Outta Brooklyn come to mind, which might possibly be the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I mean S.O.B. didn’t even end. The shit just stopped. Like the filmmakers just ran out of money and were like fuck it…we got enough. Send it to editing!!! But this movie is breathing down that S.O.B’s (get it…its like a double entendre or homonymn or one of those DEEP intellectual words…actually I think its a pun) neck. For the record…Treach need NEVER try to step outside of himself ever again. Just be the dude from Jason’s Lyric who was in Juice. You know…street thug with few lines. He was great at that role.
Quick synopsis. Treach is a contract killer/sniper. (STOP: I know for most sane people, those first few words are enough to laugh at…I agree. However they filmed a whole movie on this premise.) He works with other contract killers, including the Black Ranger from Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. I’ve actually been wondering what happened to his burgeoning acting career, he could have been the next Denzel if he didn’t look like himself. There is a white boss (with an all black killing staff…and they are staff, with an office and office lounge) who goes on a 5-minute too long 5 minute speech about black and white people coming together as one, and rips more than half of MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech in the process. Which I guess is supposed to be ironic cuz he’s a killer with a social conscience??? The dialogue is horrible in this movie. It’s like they shot the movie with everybody actually reading their lines…intentionally.
They even try to throw in comedy. Like Treach having to kill somebody on Thanksgiving while he is cooking. He is preparing a meal for his ladyfriend who he plans to propose too that night, but in the meantime he goes out and kills people only to come back and check on his eats. Even tells you not to cook your greens too long b/c they will get slimy (which is true!). Well the chick never shows up…he’s hurt. Then he has to kill the boss’ fiance cuz he thinks she’s cheating.
So the boss assigns three people to his fiancee (Kent Masters-King, who is fine but has been in about no good movies EVER, cuz she sucks as an actress…which is why she was stuck on soap operas so long, you don’t have to be able to act there). Two to watch to see if she’s cheating and one to kill her whether or not he finds out if she is or not. He assigns Treach to watch…Treach wants to shoot her. Why does Treach want to be the shooter??? Fuck if I know, I’m asking you!!!! They never actually tell you why. In fact, there is no plot development. It’s like they shot a bunch of scenes for a bad rap video and put them together and said…summamabitch, we got a movie on our hands!!!! Normally you’d think there’d be some ironic reason that ends up having some significance in a movie. Not in a Treach extravaganza. No siree bob. Treach just asks to be the shooter.
He has to watch until 9pm at which time if he doesn’t get a call from the big boss not to shoot, he is to kill her. Well he watches and ponders life, even has a short convo with her in which she tells him she is a slave. I’d tell you how they ended up speaking but its irrelevant. Not really…but it should have been. Well Treach realizes that he and her could run off together (while he has the scope fixed on her at 858pm)and gets all these feelings which “come out of him like a bad burrito.” It’s like a moment of realization for him…he has found compassion and caring for another person. Oh my goodness…its a touching moment.
So what does Treach do??
Kills her.
Which is probably better, I mean he doesn’t really know her like that anyway, right??. What can only be described as the most horrible action sequence happens next. In what can be described only as The Matrix meets Menace II Society meets The Last Dragon (without the soul searching), Treach, going level by level (video game style) fights villains who keep getting stronger (including the Black Ranger, I guess there is irony, or did I make that up) only to get to the big boss who of course he kills. There are cartwheels and upside down handstand shootouts…”I’m cool so I can shoot you in a bowling stance” scenes. The action sequences by Treach are equivalent to Jackie Chan speaking English…no matter how hard he tries…he sucks and you are left trying to figure out WHAT THE FUCK?????? and have the gas face!!!!!!!!!!!
Words can’t even describe how shittily horrible this movie was. I tried calling everybody just so nobody would think I was making it up!! AND…AND, the dialogue. There’s almost no point, but picture listening to sandpaper for an hour and a half…it was worse, Treach was that bad.
And as a bonus for the ladies…you get to see a fully naked Treach…yep, FULLY in one scene. TALK ABOUT SHIT I WASN’T EXPECTING!!!!!!!! Ironically, had it been the same movie with a lot of full on actually viewable sex scenes, it would have been a great porno.
So my question, as Treach…once I’ve seen the final cut is, what was I really thinking???
TREACH (to self): This will really catapult me to Sean Connery and ‘Pac levels. Wow, I can’t believe how good I look on screen when I apply myself and the way that stunt double makes me look like I really am a martial artist. AND I come off as deep and introspective. A lost man who finds a conscience. Wow…this is great. To bad Kent isn’t as good as I am with her fine ass!
What he should have said was…
TREACH (to self): If somebody see’s this, people will like Vinny more than they like me…AND I’ll never be able to look at myself the same way in the mirror. So THIS, is why Peppa left me!!!!!!!!!! I should have known better than being in a film with this Kent woman…its like being in a Vivica fox movie!
And the moral of this story: Play nice, or your mother may make you watch this movie. That’ll learn you!