I’m currently building my vacation home in the lovely underworld of Hell…mostly b/c my mind gets me in trouble a lot. Things that most people would just let slide, I feel the need to comment on. And because of this, I get told that I’m on the way to hell…something like twice a day. And well, today is no different.
Today ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you to a place where height doesn’t matter…sight doesn’t matter…the ability to speak…or hear…or even be functionally literate doesn’t matter. Today I’d like to welcome you to…
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
Now I live and work in Washington, DC. A fine city…full of energized people ready to make a difference in the world at a fraction of what a McDonald’s employee makes! (No offense to McDonald’s employees…fuck that…no offense to a high ranking government officials…) After living and working here for some years I’ve come to the conclusion that our U.S. government is the biggest proponent of affirmative action alive. Of which I have no complaints but I’m just saying…DAMN.
Things I witness everyday courtesy of Metro (our subway system) and my close proximity to about 10 federal departments (as in Dept of Agriculture, Transportation, etc.)
-About 3-4 seeing-eye dog/blind partner combos a day. Now I have no problems with this naturally. But I know what kind of work I DO. That shit was in my contract. Ability to read. Check. Ability to count. Check. Ability to see. Check. You’re hired. But what exactly does a blind person do in government??? Shit, there ain’t no front office for them to smile and nod at people. Braille data analysis HAS to take just that much longer. But then again this is the government and we ain’t exactly known for being prompt with shit. I mean folks are still WAITING for school books in public schools that opened in like 1860…so I guess it ain’t much of a problem. And that number might not seem like a lot to you. But really, think about how many seeing-eye dog/blind partner combos you’ve seen PERIOD. I see 3-4 a damn day. Now I’m not saying they aren’t productive…but I’m saying I guess they get a little more leniency for typos??? And this number doesn’t include the number of BLIND people without dogs I see daily which has to number up there in the 20-30′s.
-Midgets…I mean little people. I see lots of little people in the government. Especially on the train. I think they need to have lower seats for them personally. I mean the seats are just so high. Leg’s dangling all over the place.
-Old ass people. Now I KNOW that somewhere there is a damn retirement age. Not ’round here. Are you 80???? Fuck it you can still have a job. 164? As long as you can walk…or use a walker or wheelchair or something to get you to a desk. Not that you have to be able to turn shit on…just be able to be there in front of a computer. (Honestly, I can almost understand the frequent call to shut down half of these departments and just let states handle their own shit…I mean I do a lot of work…I also happen to be in one of them offices that runs like 24/7…but what the hell do all the other departments do for real???? If it wouldn’t cost like 100,000 jobs I think they’d shut shit down Public Enemy style with a quickness!)
-Ghetto ass people. Now I know what you are thinking. But I don’t mean black people. I mean ghetto ass people. Cuz in the government, this straddles all race lines. Folks be getting straight up BUCK ’round here. I see more visible tattooes(sp?) walking to and from my local eatery than I do in my neighborhood back in ATL. And that was locally known as the ghetto. This is the workplace. Loud people, just obnoxious as hell for the sake of being obnoxious all over the damn place here. And these people are outside walking around. I can only imagine what some of these folks do in their office when somebody asks them to do something they don’t want to. Hell hath no fury like a lazy mufucka that works for the government.
And the capper…
-Ugly ass women. Where the hell do the fine women work??? I’ve seen women that would make my daddy cry. And he loves all women. When I was in college, there were fine women everywhere. Hell, they were abounding. Aboundingly abundant. And I’d think that with the government being the largest single employer in DC, there’d be some fine women. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I’m dumbfounded by this shit. I honestly have seen maybe ONE woman I’d call fine. Most of these women are just barely average. Now I’m not [sub in name of fine man], but I ain’t no slouch. But really…I’m interested in understanding this one. Job security, alright pay, hella gud benefitz, spell checkers, frequent raises, and all the free office supplies you could ever want courtesy of your own tax dollars. Where are the fine women???(Take no offense to this if you work in the government have been called fine by a credible source…calling yourself fine does not count).
And as a quick bonus:
-Folks dress like shit around here. Hell its bringing down my esteem. I find myself not caring somedays and walking out the house looking like pure d shit and STILL looking better than a lot of these people. Remember Michael Jackson in Thriller as a zombie and some of his friends dancing with him. Well those were all government employees…in their Sunday’s finest…on the way to a meeting with the President.
This is why I say the governemt supports affirmative action. Hell, you get a 70-year old black blind woman and you are straight. Or even a 95-year old white blind midget male and you are in there. Or a 21-year old ugly female from Any Hood, USA, who just likes to loudcap folks for the sake of it. Everybody is welcome. Come one…come all.
Welcome to the circus…welcome to the Federal Government.